Fair and Impartial...That's Me!
Well, it turns out that the Los Angeles Superior Court wants me after all. I feel so special! I report to jury duty tomorrow at 8:45 AM. Fortunately, I snagged a gig at the local courthouse, which is all of five minutes away from Casa de Moochia. I've been called there twice. It's quite pleasant. And, lordy, do they take their jury duty seriously. They actually have docents! I kid you not. Nice old retirees decked out in polyester burgundy blazers, ready and willing to help all the buffoons who show up without the requested blue or black pen (they actually say, on the recording you hear to find out if you're reporting in the next day, "Bring your blue or black pen...and your smile...to the jury assembly room at 8:45." Gotta love that positive attitude!).
I toyed with bringing my 'puter in with me...I didn't have Buster the Laptop the last time I served...and you can snag free WiFi from the nearby library. However, I think I'll just remain all old school and bring a book and a cross-stitch project (no scissors, though...I learned my lesson last time when they temporarily confiscated my lovely embroidery scissors. Apparently, you can't bring crochet hooks, either...yanno, in case you go all nutty and feel the need to perform a single shell stitch on a bailiff).
Of course, I could always bring in Buster and live-blog my experience in the jury waiting room. I can see it now...9:03: Five people are napping. Two old coots are over in the corner playing gin rummy. One of the docents lost his pen. 9:24: Nap count up to eleven. Gin rummy game still in full swing. Docent still missing his pen, but continues to sport his snappy blazer. 9:49: Woman with contraband crochet hook threatens docent who remains unarmed by virtue of his still-missing pen, etc.
I will, however, bring in my ever-present supply of Tab. I never go anywhere without it.
Plus, I shall spend a good portion of the evening loading up the iPod shuffle with various and sundry podcasts. I have enough Jean Shepherd, "Lux Radio Theater" and "The Burns and Allen Show" material to get me through many a tedious hour. I do so loves my shuffle.
I really don't mind jury duty at all, but I hope that, if I am called to serve, I get a criminal and not a civil case. Civil cases can be so friggin' tedious. I want some AC-shuuuuun! Or at least some spicy and salacious details. Is that too much to ask? I think not.
Of course, that all assumes that I'll even make it on a panel. Odds are I will. I've been called into jury duty four times in the past and made it through three selection processes. I figure that's mostly because (a) I'm a teacher, so, for whatever reason, that tells both the prosecution and defense teams that I am reasonably intelligent and (b) during the questioning phase of jury selection, I resist the urge to answer the "Can you be fair and impartial?" question with something like, "Well, I dunno. I figure he's already guilty! I mean, he's here in court, right? He was arrested, right? So he musta dunnit! What? Am I wrong?"
Truly, my favorite part of the selection process is watching the tactics used by all those who clearly don't want to serve...to witness them trying to squirm out of service. It's amazing how many potential jurors can suddenly "speekee no inglés" when confronted with the possibility of spending a week or so in a courtroom jury box. My favorite, however, happened when I last served. There was an Earnest Young Man (EYM) up for consideration, and it was clear that the defense really wanted him. However, the EYM said that he sincerely felt he was not qualified for jury service because, and I do quote 'cause I remember it so well, he "could not judge another." He continued, "The Lord did not put me here to judge my fellow man. I cannot, in all good honesty, place myself in such a position. It would be untenable and against all I believe."
EYM got to go home, presumably to practice his earnest ways in other avenues of his earnest life. I mean that, earnestly.
I toyed with bringing my 'puter in with me...I didn't have Buster the Laptop the last time I served...and you can snag free WiFi from the nearby library. However, I think I'll just remain all old school and bring a book and a cross-stitch project (no scissors, though...I learned my lesson last time when they temporarily confiscated my lovely embroidery scissors. Apparently, you can't bring crochet hooks, either...yanno, in case you go all nutty and feel the need to perform a single shell stitch on a bailiff).
Of course, I could always bring in Buster and live-blog my experience in the jury waiting room. I can see it now...9:03: Five people are napping. Two old coots are over in the corner playing gin rummy. One of the docents lost his pen. 9:24: Nap count up to eleven. Gin rummy game still in full swing. Docent still missing his pen, but continues to sport his snappy blazer. 9:49: Woman with contraband crochet hook threatens docent who remains unarmed by virtue of his still-missing pen, etc.
I will, however, bring in my ever-present supply of Tab. I never go anywhere without it.
Plus, I shall spend a good portion of the evening loading up the iPod shuffle with various and sundry podcasts. I have enough Jean Shepherd, "Lux Radio Theater" and "The Burns and Allen Show" material to get me through many a tedious hour. I do so loves my shuffle.
I really don't mind jury duty at all, but I hope that, if I am called to serve, I get a criminal and not a civil case. Civil cases can be so friggin' tedious. I want some AC-shuuuuun! Or at least some spicy and salacious details. Is that too much to ask? I think not.
Of course, that all assumes that I'll even make it on a panel. Odds are I will. I've been called into jury duty four times in the past and made it through three selection processes. I figure that's mostly because (a) I'm a teacher, so, for whatever reason, that tells both the prosecution and defense teams that I am reasonably intelligent and (b) during the questioning phase of jury selection, I resist the urge to answer the "Can you be fair and impartial?" question with something like, "Well, I dunno. I figure he's already guilty! I mean, he's here in court, right? He was arrested, right? So he musta dunnit! What? Am I wrong?"
Truly, my favorite part of the selection process is watching the tactics used by all those who clearly don't want to serve...to witness them trying to squirm out of service. It's amazing how many potential jurors can suddenly "speekee no inglés" when confronted with the possibility of spending a week or so in a courtroom jury box. My favorite, however, happened when I last served. There was an Earnest Young Man (EYM) up for consideration, and it was clear that the defense really wanted him. However, the EYM said that he sincerely felt he was not qualified for jury service because, and I do quote 'cause I remember it so well, he "could not judge another." He continued, "The Lord did not put me here to judge my fellow man. I cannot, in all good honesty, place myself in such a position. It would be untenable and against all I believe."
EYM got to go home, presumably to practice his earnest ways in other avenues of his earnest life. I mean that, earnestly.