FIC: I Know What I'm After (5/7)
Title: I KNOW WHAT I’M AFTER (5/7)
Author: Montmorency
Pairing: Adam Lambert/Tommy Joe Ratliff
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: About 4,400 (this part only)
Disclaimer: This is fiction. Never happened. Written for entertainment only. The real people who form the basis of these characters have their own lives.
Summary: Adam and his friends are in a band, and their guitarist just ditched them to play for Madonna. Tommy shows up at the audition, but disappears shortly afterwards.
Notes: If you notice that certain names appear similar to those of real people, but not quite the same, that was done on purpose. The age difference between Adam and Tommy has been changed to suit the story. They’re about four years apart in this.
This, by the way, is not a work-in-progress. It’s done, about 27k words. I’m posting it in seven parts, from now till the New Year. I really struggled not to start posting right away. I’m impatient like that. The story is SO much better for not having been posted as a work-in-progress. I have my wonderful pre-reader and prompt-provider fairfax_verde to thank for that. The prompt was hers, from the kinkmeme, and wasn’t filled. It was too good to go unfilled, and I’m grateful that I got to be the one to do it. As I’ve been writing over the past few months, she has provided feedback and ideas and cheerleading. Without her, the story would be floundering hopelessly in never-never land still. Also: any typos or errors are 100% my bad.
The first chapter starts here
Chapter 5
Adam comes up with the perfect early Christmas gift for Tommy. Not that either of them celebrates Christmas, but it can be a secular holiday, after all. To be funny, he calls it a Winter Solstice gift.
Basically, it’s a day of running from one amusement park to another in the greater Los Angeles-Orange County area. To make it feasible, it has to be on a weekday so they won’t get stuck in traffic and the parks won’t be packed to the gills, the lines for rides long enough to induce a coma-like state. Adam selects ten days before Christmas, and Tommy stays over Wednesday night in Adam’s apartment so they can get up at the buttcrack of dawn. He brings Ronette to the apartment so they can sleep in Adam’s bed together. Because they can do that now: they’re friends, they can share a large bed without it becoming a thing. It’s torture of the most exquisite kind for Adam. He wouldn’t trade it for anything.
At 7:20 a.m. they leave Ronette behind with a full dish of water, plenty of food, clean litter, and two of her favorite toys - although of course Tommy is her truly favorite toy.
They arrive at Universal Studios at 8:00 a.m. Having to get up so fucking early is almost worth it based on the close-in parking space alone.
Tommy doesn’t want to go on anything that goes too fast or too high in the air but he doesn’t mind a good scare, so Adam guides them to the House of Horror and Jurassic Park. Tommy gravely informs him that his parents’ church doesn’t believe in dinosaurs and certainly not that they existed millions of years ago, given how they think the Earth is about 6,000 years old. Good thing Tommy learned about evolution before he was yanked out of public school.
On the way to Disneyland, which is being left for the evening for the decorative lights at night, they stop by Knott’s Berry Farm because it’s the cheesiest thing Adam can think of. They go on a whitewater ride first, and then Adam takes them to the saloon show. He’s seen the small tattoo of John Wayne on Tommy’s right arm. Tommy has only a few, just on his arms - Dracula and Mike Myers and something from a Depeche Mode cover.
He figured right on the entertainment. Tommy loves the saloon and also the Wagon Camp.
Disneyland is the main attraction. It’s delightfully not crowded. There are enough people to give the place a veneer of festiveness, but lines are only ten minutes long at the most. They head straight to the Haunted Mansion. Tommy’s never been here before, either. “My parents told me Disneyland was evil,” he says to Adam as they walk into the elevator. Thunder rolls, lightning cracks, and the ceiling turns into a tower to disaster. Tommy clutches Adam’s wrist.
“Scared?” Adam leans to whisper in Tommy’s ear. The other five people in the elevator look like bored teenaged hipsters. They’ve been here before.
“It’s cool,” Tommy says.
“I knew you’d love it,” Adam crows.
“I’ve never seen so much molded plastic in my life.”
Adam snorts and pretend-punches Tommy’s arm.
“I’m serious,” Tommy insists.
Walking down the corridor, Tommy is fascinated, peering around at everything, not wanting to be rushed. He stops for a moment to stare down the endless hallway, where a lighted candlestick drifts in the air by itself, as though held by a ghostly arm.
Adam shuffles him into one of the cars and then gets in beside him. He resists the urge to sling an arm around Tommy’s shoulders. He’s kind of sorry that this ride isn’t all that scary.
Tommy doesn’t seem to mind the lack of frightening events. Clearly he’s entranced with the whole thing. “I like scary movies,” he says. “I had to sneak off to them with Oracio. We weren’t supposed to watch movies in our family.”
“When did you get the tats?” Adam asks, gently touching Tommy’s left arm.
“After I left. I want a whole sleeve someday.”
“Me, too. What do you want?”
“Lots of ghost and horror things. Dracula or Nosferatu.”
Adam feels silly for wanting a New Age sleeve comprised of an amalgamation of symbols from the Zodiac, Druid beliefs, and alchemy, but he describes it quietly to Tommy anyway, and Tommy doesn’t even crack a smirk.
Tommy’s tat thoughts are more appropriate here, though, and the ghosts dancing in the ballroom are particularly mesmerizing. Tommy leans closer to Adam, craning his neck even as they are nearly past. Adam gives in to his earlier impulse and puts his arms around Tommy and squeezes gently.
“You like?” he asks.
Tommy nods. He doesn’t push Adam away, so Adam takes one arm back but leaves the other resting on Tommy’s shoulders. The warmth of the small body is delicious. Tommy fits right under his arm, he can’t help thinking. Like it was meant to be.
For dinner they eat in the Blue Bayou restaurant - it was always Leila’s favorite place in Disneyland, what with the faux fireflies and everything - and afterwards they go on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, followed by Star Tours and then, at Adam’s insistence that it’s not all that fast - Space Mountain. Tommy comes off the ride a bit wobbly-legged but exhilarated. He actually initiates a hug. He actually giggles.
What Adam hadn’t expected was that Tommy would want to try out Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, and even stranger, that it immediately becomes his favorite ride. “Mom used to read the book to me,” is his only explanation, as they go through the moist and overheated miasma of Hell. “Wow, this part wasn’t in the book.”
“If this is Hell, I’m not afraid of it anymore,” Adam says with a laugh.
Back in Adam’s apartment, as they share a small cartoon of frozen yogurt while sitting cross-legged on the rug, watching Ronette bat a plastic spoon around, Tommy confides that it’s the best day he’s ever had in his life.
It’s Adam’s turn to glow with happiness. “I love you, Tommy. Love you.”
Tommy drops his head and concentrates on the last dollop of yogurt that’s still in his bowl. He’s smiling, though.
Adam finishes his yogurt with a long lick up the spoon. He hums happily. “I don’t think we should let Ronnie eat this, should we? It has chocolate.” He gets up and takes both bowls to the kitchen, leaving them in the sink till later. He returns and sits down with Tommy again, his back against the sofa.
“Come here,” he says softly.
Tommy eagerly edges over, plastering himself against Adam, settling in with a pleased sigh.
Adam pulls Tommy tight. Sleigh Ride is playing on the stereo. A cinnamon candle in a tea light holder is making the whole apartment smell delicious. Adam wishes - well, he wishes a lot of things. He wishes this strange little person could have been gay. Not just for doing the horizontal tango, although Adam definitely craves that, but for moments like these. It’s lovely to be friends, but it would be more special, Adam feels certain, if he had a lover to share these moments. Being in love isn’t just about romantic stuff; it’s about the everyday stuff.
It takes a moment to realize that Tommy’s hand has found its way under Adam’s tee-shirt and is warm on the lower part of Adam’s belly. Adam grasps Tommy’s hand with one of his own to pull it back out.
“Didn’t we go over this already, honey?”
Tommy draws his hand away and tucks it under his own thigh. “You said you love me.”
“You’re my friend, of course I love you. As a friend. We’re not going to do this.”
“I thought you wanted me.”
“Tommy, you’re a very sexy little thing. You know that, right? But that’s not a reason and we’re not going to do it, we’re just not. It’s not right.”
“I don’t get it,” Tommy says softly.
Adam hates that he put the sad tone in that voice. He hugs Tommy, tucks the blond head under his chin. “Tommy, you have to tell me something.” Talk about awkward. Adam clears his throat. “Have you ever had sex?”
Tommy grunts duh. At least the sad tone seems to have been replaced by an offended one.
“But not with another boy?”
“There was this girl. Karen.”
“Just one?”
Tommy nods against his side.
“Did you love her?”
“I was lonely. At first. Before I got used to being by myself. I think she was, too. You know, lonely.”
“What happened?”
Tommy shrugs. “She wanted to go to New York and be an artist or something, so she left.”
“Do you miss her?”
Tommy shrugs again.
“Is she okay?”
“I don’t know. She didn’t have a phone or a computer, either.” Tommy sounds sad again.
“I’m sorry, baby. Sorry you and a lot of kids like you have had a bad time. Bad families, bad whatever.” For the umpteenth time, he thanks the stars for his parents. Even though they got divorced, they raised him and his brother well, and he still sees them when he can and talks almost daily with his mother. He’s pretty sure he would never have lasted as long on the streets as Tommy did. He’s starting to realize that Tommy’s strong and tough, far more so than a cursory glance would suggest. He pets Tommy’s hair and kisses the top of his head, letting his lips linger. “Why are you so amazing, Tommy?” he asks, muffled.
All he gets in response is a soft little whatever.
* * *
There are back-to-back gigs at small bars in the week before Christmas. The holiday spirit is infectious and they wind up with more stacks of ten-dollar bills to divide. Ashley takes Tommy shopping at Thrift Village again and he returns with a black hoodie, a plain leather belt and a pair of fleece gloves since it’s getting colder.
On Christmas day, Adam fulfills his promise by going to the mission on the Strip with Tommy and helping out for hours. The volunteers sit down together an hour before the event is open to the public, and they eat exactly what will be served to everyone else. There are people of all ages and types helping out, with a sizable contingent of what Adam thinks of as church ladies. One of them - matronly, on the chubby side with frizzled grey hair, no makeup, and clothes that define frumpy - remembers Tommy and sits with them, not before giving Tommy a huge hug first. She asks him lots of questions about how he’s doing and what he’s up to. Tommy seems very happy to have good things to report, and she smiles at everything he says. It’s obvious the people here are happy to see someone they helped making it on his own.
The church’s cavernous activity room is decorated with cheesy but festive Christmas décor. The P.A. pumps out carols and the Nutcracker Suite. In spite of efforts to make this a cheerful event, Adam can’t help noticing that many of the people who come in for the meal stick to themselves, rarely look up, and eat quickly. But they say “thank you,” however quietly, when Adam puts a large slice of turkey on each plastic plate. Tommy is on the other end of the long serving table, pouring out cups of coffee and juice and nonalcoholic eggnog.
Afterwards, while they’re strapped into aprons, washing pots in a huge metal sink, a white-haired man in a clerical collar comes over. “Thomas, I hear from Margaret that you’re doing great things.”
Tommy ducks his head. “I have friends now,” he offers.
The priest (Adam assumes that’s what he is) lays a hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “That’s wonderful news. We’re still here if you need us, but all of us believe you’re going to do just fine. God bless you, son,” he tells Adam over Tommy’s head.
God had nothing to do with it, Adam thinks, but he nods. The priest is only doing what he knows how to do, and as long as he helped Tommy, he’s a good guy in Adam’s books.
“Don’t be a stranger,” the priest tells Tommy seriously.
Tommy nods. “I won’t.”
* * *
Just after Christmas they hear that SXSW has accepted them. Along with two thousand other indie bands, but still, it’s a chance to get heard.
“Our turn to shine,” Brian announces at practice. “This is all gonna pay off. Didn’t I tell you?”
“You told us,” agrees Isaac.
“And told us,” adds Ashley.
“Don’t everybody thank me at once,” Brian says.
Isaac laughs. “I can’t imagine a scenario where I’d ever thank you at all.”
Brian pulls a sad face.
“Okay, okay, thanks!” Isaac yells. “You’re the best band leader ever, bro.”
“About time you noticed,” Brian grouses good-naturedly.
By now they have two new songs. Somehow, amidst the other awesomeness of Tommy, it turns out that he has a knack for arranging music to suit the lyrics and melodic lines that Adam creates. By February, in time for SXSW, they hope to have at least two more.
They settle on Mandatory Cookie Meeting for a name, after going through various iterations like Rabid Frogs and Trojan Purse and The Obvious and The Thin Mints. “It sucks, but we need something,” Brian argues.
“I like it,” says Ashley, flipping her hair.
* * *
Tommy wants to spend New Year’s Eve with Adam. Maybe Ronette and Tommy can come over to Adam’s apartment and watch old movies and drink hot toddies and tease Ronette with her favorite toys?
“Ohmigod, Tommy, I’m sorry but I agreed to go to a party for New Year’s,” Adam says on the day before.
Tommy looks flummoxed. “You did?”
“It’s just some friends - I can cancel.”
“No, don’t. It’s okay.”
“Tommy, if you’re going to be alone - “
“Don’t worry,” Tommy says, going off to find Isaac and ask for a ride to Panorama City.
It takes a lot of talking on the phone (and Adam is so very glad Tommy has that phone so they can talk) to convince Tommy to come with him to the New Year’s Eve party. One more person won’t kill anything. In fact, Camilla and Leigh had already told him to bring a date. Not that Tommy’s a date, but they’ll love him. Adam doesn’t tell Tommy the date part, but assures him that he will be welcomed with open arms.
New Year’s Eve arrives and even though Adam lives in Hollywood and the party is in West Hollywood, he drives all the way to Panorama City to pick up Tommy, who is wearing a lacey purple shirt that might be see-through in better lighting. Adam does an honest-to-fuck double-take.
“What is that shirt, Tommy?”
“You don’t like it?”
What’s not to like? “I love it. It’s just so not what I expected you to wear.”
“I can change.” Tommy reaches for the seat belt to undo it.
“No way.” Adam puts an arm across Tommy’s chest. “Don’t go anywhere. You look gorgeous.” He pulls away from the curb. “We’re going to have fun. Don’t look so gloomy.”
Camilla and Leigh fall for Tommy, as Adam knew would happen. The two women are a couple, and lots of their guests are gay men and women. It doesn’t escape Adam’s notice that several of the men in the room are taking an interest in the unexpectedly elfin creature in their midst.
Adam keeps Tommy close by for a while. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s monitoring Tommy’s alcohol intake. He’s learned that Tommy doesn’t hold liquor all that well. Probably something to do with the lack of body mass.
They go out on the balcony and look over the Wilshire corridor. Colorful Christmas lights twinkle everywhere. The balcony itself is festooned. Tommy is adorable in the soft lighting. Adam experiences a moment of intense jealousy of the woman who’s going to snare him in the end and make him happy, happier than he is as Adam’s friend. Adam’s good enough to get beyond that and hope that Tommy finds someone and is happy.
A very large man steps onto the balcony, large as in tall and muscular. Adam recognizes him as one of Leigh’s friends, a guy who spent his college years as a linebacker for the UCLA Bruins. Adam doesn’t have to think twice about why Mr. Tall and Muscular came out on the balcony.
“Nice night, yeah?” the guy says, leaning against the balcony. He’s ridiculously handsome. Adam hates him on principle. “Name’s Rob Sanchez.”
“Adam Lambert,” he says, shaking hands. Adam may hate Rob for being so good-looking and manly, but he can’t deny that Rob seems friendly and chill.
“Leigh said you sing?” Rob asks. His eyes shift to Tommy; obviously that’s why he came out here. “And you play guitar?”
“Yes,” Adam says. “This is Tommy Ratliff. We’re in a band.”
Tommy practically glows at the description.
“Hey, Tommy,” Rob says casually.
“Hey,” Tommy says quietly.
“Have I heard of your band?”
“Not yet,” says Adam. “But you will.”
“Wish I had some artsy talent. I’m just a CPA.” Rob laughs. “The world’s most boring job.”
Adam decides Rob is nice and that he’s being ridiculous about Tommy. Tommy can take care of himself, and furthermore, he doesn’t need babysitting. A certified public accountant is not going to haul Tommy off to a lair and rape him. “Hey, I’m going back for some more of this punch; no, stay here, Tommy, I’ll be back.”
He’s a cad, but he leaves Tommy out there with the guy. He has no intention of returning to the balcony. Tommy is allowed to make friends with people Adam doesn’t know. That’s part of leaving the nest, right? So long as Tommy is safe, all is well. More or less. Later on, Adam’s going to corner Camilla and ask her to point out any available straight women at the party.
Someone’s taken an interest in Adam, too, a slender man with dark hair and a beautiful smile. Nick. Normally Adam would be all over that. Even not in the mood for hooking up, he finds himself having a great time talking with Nick, who works for the city planner’s office. They wind up sharing a sofa, wine glasses in hand, laughing a lot because frankly Nick is riotously witty.
The truth is, Adam hasn’t had sex with anyone other than himself for months now. He wants someone else’s hands on him. He can’t have the hands he wants, so he figures that it’s time for him to get back to dating. Nick would be a great start. He leans over to whisper something in Nick’s ear - something a bit too risqué for others to overhear - and out of the corner of his eye he sees Tommy coming in from the balcony. Tommy’s eyes go right to Adam, and the look of stunned hurt on Tommy’s little face punches Adam right in the gut.
He’s Tommy’s, and he can’t even deny it. It’s pretty fucked up that he’s in an intimate relationship with a guy he can’t even have sex with. He understands that Tommy is still vulnerable, still needs him, but what’s with the cockblocking? Tommy seems to want everything he’s got to give, and Adam’s not able to do that. When did his life get this complicated?
He forces himself not to run off to Tommy. It’s not healthy any longer. Adam has his own needs. He’s in his twenties and therefore regular sex shouldn’t be off the table. He’s not a monk, for fuck’s sake. He’s not even Catholic. Nick is right here, cute and funny and friendly. Adam should be able to consider getting together with Nick. Across the room, Rob is trailing Tommy around, and Camilla joins them, and Tommy’s just fine, Adam tells himself over and over.
Counting down to the New Year gets awkward. Nick is clearly interested in trying out a kiss, but Tommy is still there, across the room, sitting between Camilla and Rob on a sofa, looking at Adam while trying not to. Thrumming with energy that Adam can feel all the way over here. Tommy’s like a puppy waiting for an invitation.
On the television, the party at the Icon Lounge is starting its countdown and Leigh shows up with a freshly poured glass of champagne and calls out, “Ten!”
The room joins her with “Nine!”
Tommy’s obviously (to Adam anyway) unhappy and that makes Adam unhappy. On five Adam can’t bear it any longer; he tilts his chin in invitation and Tommy jumps up and darts over to Adam, tucking into his side away from Nick, who gives Adam a surprised look. When the clock hits one second before midnight, Adam doesn’t even know what he’s going to do, scrunched inelegantly between Nick and Tommy, both of them pretty much up in his business. Nick settles it for him a second later by grabbing his face and kissing him soundly on the lips. It’s nice because it’s been so long, but Adam can practically feel the sullen misery radiating from Tommy.
Adam smiles at Nick, gives him a quick kiss back, holds up one finger, and turns to Tommy. He whispers against Tommy’s ear, “Last year did you ever imagine you’d be here?” Without waiting for (or to be honest, wanting) an answer, he presses his lips against the short hair on the side of Tommy’s head. The only other thing he can do is to introduce the two to each other.
“You’re the guitarist Adam’s been telling me all about?” Nick asks with a friendly smile.
It’s true; Adam was blabbing on and on about Tommy. He feels stupid, but Nick’s comment makes Tommy less miserable. It doesn’t even take that long before Nick has Tommy deep in conversation about music venues around Los Angeles. Working in the city planner’s office clearly has advantages. Nick knows everything. Nick is a great guy if he can draw even Tommy out and get him going in conversation, no matter how hesitant on Tommy’s part.
* * *
The drive back to Panorama City is awkward, to say the least. After twenty minutes of sullen silence, Adam works up the nerve to ask if Tommy met any nice girls at the party.
“No,” Tommy says shortly.
Oh. Okay. So much for that attempt.
“Are you going out with Nick now?”
Adam is about to tell Tommy that’s not his business when he realizes he just asked Tommy something similar. “He asked me out.”
Tommy says nothing.
In another ten minutes Adam pulls up in front of Tommy’s apartment building. He turns off the engine. “I thought you liked Nick.”
“He’s nice.”
“So what’s the -“
“You kissed him. You didn’t even know him before tonight.”
“He kissed me.” Adam wanted the kiss - a kiss, any kiss - so he feels like a turd for saying this, but he can’t help reacting poorly. For a moment, unfair as it is, he’s a bit exasperated with Tommy.
Tommy folds his arms over his chest and stares out the front windshield. He’s still in the seat belt and shoulder harness. He looks like a kitten in a snit. “You pushed me away.”
Adam sighs inside. He’s careful to keep it there and not let it out. He suspects it wouldn’t go over well. He turns to face Tommy’s profile. “You don’t owe me anything. We need to be friends so we can work well in the band.”
Tommy huffs out a breath and releases the seatbelt. It retracts and the buckle clatters against the passenger door. “Okay.” He opens the door.
“Tommy -“ Adam reaches over but doesn’t touch.
“Thanks for the ride,” Tommy says, slipping out and slamming the door closed and trotting up the sidewalk to the apartment courtyard.
Adam wants badly to go after him and make it right. Except he has no idea how to do that.
He drives home very carefully. He knows that he’s distracted and there’s still some champagne sloshing around in his insides. He doesn’t want to cause an accident.
He sleeps for twelve hours. Wakes up, brushes his teeth, turns on the coffeemaker, and calls his mother.
He whines. There’s no other word for it. He tells her the full story - how Tommy offered to be Adam’s sex toy - twice. “For a minute, that first time, I thought maybe he actually did that to make money on the streets.”
“Are you sure he didn’t?”
“Now I am. But so what? It doesn’t make a difference to me either way. He can’t be my boyfriend and it’s torture and -“
“Adam, stop right there. Something isn’t adding up. It seems to me, from the events you’ve described, that Tommy is interested in going out with you.”
How can his mother be so ignorant? “Mom, no. Wasn’t I being clear? He feels it’s some kind of obligation, some way of paying me back. He can tell I have the world’s most grotesque crush on him, so he thinks that’s what I want.”
“How do you know that’s what he’s thinking? You don’t.”
“Oh my gawd, Mom, I can’t take advantage of him. I can’t be like his parents. Plus he’s straight. His only experience was with a girl.” Adam flounces to his sofa and falls back on it. The sun is too bright. He wants everything to be dark and depressing just at this moment. To match his mood.
“You’re being melodramatic,” Leila says. “You may be misreading Tommy.”
“Moooooooom,” Adam whines, dragging out the word as far as he dares.
“Here’s what you need to do. Write a sad poem. Get over it. Move on with life.”
“Why are you so reasonable, Mom?”
“Because I call ‘em like I see ‘em,” she answers. “By the way, Happy New Year, silly goose.”
On to Chapter 6
Author: Montmorency
Pairing: Adam Lambert/Tommy Joe Ratliff
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: About 4,400 (this part only)
Disclaimer: This is fiction. Never happened. Written for entertainment only. The real people who form the basis of these characters have their own lives.
Summary: Adam and his friends are in a band, and their guitarist just ditched them to play for Madonna. Tommy shows up at the audition, but disappears shortly afterwards.
Notes: If you notice that certain names appear similar to those of real people, but not quite the same, that was done on purpose. The age difference between Adam and Tommy has been changed to suit the story. They’re about four years apart in this.
This, by the way, is not a work-in-progress. It’s done, about 27k words. I’m posting it in seven parts, from now till the New Year. I really struggled not to start posting right away. I’m impatient like that. The story is SO much better for not having been posted as a work-in-progress. I have my wonderful pre-reader and prompt-provider fairfax_verde to thank for that. The prompt was hers, from the kinkmeme, and wasn’t filled. It was too good to go unfilled, and I’m grateful that I got to be the one to do it. As I’ve been writing over the past few months, she has provided feedback and ideas and cheerleading. Without her, the story would be floundering hopelessly in never-never land still. Also: any typos or errors are 100% my bad.
The first chapter starts here
Chapter 5
Adam comes up with the perfect early Christmas gift for Tommy. Not that either of them celebrates Christmas, but it can be a secular holiday, after all. To be funny, he calls it a Winter Solstice gift.
Basically, it’s a day of running from one amusement park to another in the greater Los Angeles-Orange County area. To make it feasible, it has to be on a weekday so they won’t get stuck in traffic and the parks won’t be packed to the gills, the lines for rides long enough to induce a coma-like state. Adam selects ten days before Christmas, and Tommy stays over Wednesday night in Adam’s apartment so they can get up at the buttcrack of dawn. He brings Ronette to the apartment so they can sleep in Adam’s bed together. Because they can do that now: they’re friends, they can share a large bed without it becoming a thing. It’s torture of the most exquisite kind for Adam. He wouldn’t trade it for anything.
At 7:20 a.m. they leave Ronette behind with a full dish of water, plenty of food, clean litter, and two of her favorite toys - although of course Tommy is her truly favorite toy.
They arrive at Universal Studios at 8:00 a.m. Having to get up so fucking early is almost worth it based on the close-in parking space alone.
Tommy doesn’t want to go on anything that goes too fast or too high in the air but he doesn’t mind a good scare, so Adam guides them to the House of Horror and Jurassic Park. Tommy gravely informs him that his parents’ church doesn’t believe in dinosaurs and certainly not that they existed millions of years ago, given how they think the Earth is about 6,000 years old. Good thing Tommy learned about evolution before he was yanked out of public school.
On the way to Disneyland, which is being left for the evening for the decorative lights at night, they stop by Knott’s Berry Farm because it’s the cheesiest thing Adam can think of. They go on a whitewater ride first, and then Adam takes them to the saloon show. He’s seen the small tattoo of John Wayne on Tommy’s right arm. Tommy has only a few, just on his arms - Dracula and Mike Myers and something from a Depeche Mode cover.
He figured right on the entertainment. Tommy loves the saloon and also the Wagon Camp.
Disneyland is the main attraction. It’s delightfully not crowded. There are enough people to give the place a veneer of festiveness, but lines are only ten minutes long at the most. They head straight to the Haunted Mansion. Tommy’s never been here before, either. “My parents told me Disneyland was evil,” he says to Adam as they walk into the elevator. Thunder rolls, lightning cracks, and the ceiling turns into a tower to disaster. Tommy clutches Adam’s wrist.
“Scared?” Adam leans to whisper in Tommy’s ear. The other five people in the elevator look like bored teenaged hipsters. They’ve been here before.
“It’s cool,” Tommy says.
“I knew you’d love it,” Adam crows.
“I’ve never seen so much molded plastic in my life.”
Adam snorts and pretend-punches Tommy’s arm.
“I’m serious,” Tommy insists.
Walking down the corridor, Tommy is fascinated, peering around at everything, not wanting to be rushed. He stops for a moment to stare down the endless hallway, where a lighted candlestick drifts in the air by itself, as though held by a ghostly arm.
Adam shuffles him into one of the cars and then gets in beside him. He resists the urge to sling an arm around Tommy’s shoulders. He’s kind of sorry that this ride isn’t all that scary.
Tommy doesn’t seem to mind the lack of frightening events. Clearly he’s entranced with the whole thing. “I like scary movies,” he says. “I had to sneak off to them with Oracio. We weren’t supposed to watch movies in our family.”
“When did you get the tats?” Adam asks, gently touching Tommy’s left arm.
“After I left. I want a whole sleeve someday.”
“Me, too. What do you want?”
“Lots of ghost and horror things. Dracula or Nosferatu.”
Adam feels silly for wanting a New Age sleeve comprised of an amalgamation of symbols from the Zodiac, Druid beliefs, and alchemy, but he describes it quietly to Tommy anyway, and Tommy doesn’t even crack a smirk.
Tommy’s tat thoughts are more appropriate here, though, and the ghosts dancing in the ballroom are particularly mesmerizing. Tommy leans closer to Adam, craning his neck even as they are nearly past. Adam gives in to his earlier impulse and puts his arms around Tommy and squeezes gently.
“You like?” he asks.
Tommy nods. He doesn’t push Adam away, so Adam takes one arm back but leaves the other resting on Tommy’s shoulders. The warmth of the small body is delicious. Tommy fits right under his arm, he can’t help thinking. Like it was meant to be.
For dinner they eat in the Blue Bayou restaurant - it was always Leila’s favorite place in Disneyland, what with the faux fireflies and everything - and afterwards they go on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, followed by Star Tours and then, at Adam’s insistence that it’s not all that fast - Space Mountain. Tommy comes off the ride a bit wobbly-legged but exhilarated. He actually initiates a hug. He actually giggles.
What Adam hadn’t expected was that Tommy would want to try out Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, and even stranger, that it immediately becomes his favorite ride. “Mom used to read the book to me,” is his only explanation, as they go through the moist and overheated miasma of Hell. “Wow, this part wasn’t in the book.”
“If this is Hell, I’m not afraid of it anymore,” Adam says with a laugh.
Back in Adam’s apartment, as they share a small cartoon of frozen yogurt while sitting cross-legged on the rug, watching Ronette bat a plastic spoon around, Tommy confides that it’s the best day he’s ever had in his life.
It’s Adam’s turn to glow with happiness. “I love you, Tommy. Love you.”
Tommy drops his head and concentrates on the last dollop of yogurt that’s still in his bowl. He’s smiling, though.
Adam finishes his yogurt with a long lick up the spoon. He hums happily. “I don’t think we should let Ronnie eat this, should we? It has chocolate.” He gets up and takes both bowls to the kitchen, leaving them in the sink till later. He returns and sits down with Tommy again, his back against the sofa.
“Come here,” he says softly.
Tommy eagerly edges over, plastering himself against Adam, settling in with a pleased sigh.
Adam pulls Tommy tight. Sleigh Ride is playing on the stereo. A cinnamon candle in a tea light holder is making the whole apartment smell delicious. Adam wishes - well, he wishes a lot of things. He wishes this strange little person could have been gay. Not just for doing the horizontal tango, although Adam definitely craves that, but for moments like these. It’s lovely to be friends, but it would be more special, Adam feels certain, if he had a lover to share these moments. Being in love isn’t just about romantic stuff; it’s about the everyday stuff.
It takes a moment to realize that Tommy’s hand has found its way under Adam’s tee-shirt and is warm on the lower part of Adam’s belly. Adam grasps Tommy’s hand with one of his own to pull it back out.
“Didn’t we go over this already, honey?”
Tommy draws his hand away and tucks it under his own thigh. “You said you love me.”
“You’re my friend, of course I love you. As a friend. We’re not going to do this.”
“I thought you wanted me.”
“Tommy, you’re a very sexy little thing. You know that, right? But that’s not a reason and we’re not going to do it, we’re just not. It’s not right.”
“I don’t get it,” Tommy says softly.
Adam hates that he put the sad tone in that voice. He hugs Tommy, tucks the blond head under his chin. “Tommy, you have to tell me something.” Talk about awkward. Adam clears his throat. “Have you ever had sex?”
Tommy grunts duh. At least the sad tone seems to have been replaced by an offended one.
“But not with another boy?”
“There was this girl. Karen.”
“Just one?”
Tommy nods against his side.
“Did you love her?”
“I was lonely. At first. Before I got used to being by myself. I think she was, too. You know, lonely.”
“What happened?”
Tommy shrugs. “She wanted to go to New York and be an artist or something, so she left.”
“Do you miss her?”
Tommy shrugs again.
“Is she okay?”
“I don’t know. She didn’t have a phone or a computer, either.” Tommy sounds sad again.
“I’m sorry, baby. Sorry you and a lot of kids like you have had a bad time. Bad families, bad whatever.” For the umpteenth time, he thanks the stars for his parents. Even though they got divorced, they raised him and his brother well, and he still sees them when he can and talks almost daily with his mother. He’s pretty sure he would never have lasted as long on the streets as Tommy did. He’s starting to realize that Tommy’s strong and tough, far more so than a cursory glance would suggest. He pets Tommy’s hair and kisses the top of his head, letting his lips linger. “Why are you so amazing, Tommy?” he asks, muffled.
All he gets in response is a soft little whatever.
* * *
There are back-to-back gigs at small bars in the week before Christmas. The holiday spirit is infectious and they wind up with more stacks of ten-dollar bills to divide. Ashley takes Tommy shopping at Thrift Village again and he returns with a black hoodie, a plain leather belt and a pair of fleece gloves since it’s getting colder.
On Christmas day, Adam fulfills his promise by going to the mission on the Strip with Tommy and helping out for hours. The volunteers sit down together an hour before the event is open to the public, and they eat exactly what will be served to everyone else. There are people of all ages and types helping out, with a sizable contingent of what Adam thinks of as church ladies. One of them - matronly, on the chubby side with frizzled grey hair, no makeup, and clothes that define frumpy - remembers Tommy and sits with them, not before giving Tommy a huge hug first. She asks him lots of questions about how he’s doing and what he’s up to. Tommy seems very happy to have good things to report, and she smiles at everything he says. It’s obvious the people here are happy to see someone they helped making it on his own.
The church’s cavernous activity room is decorated with cheesy but festive Christmas décor. The P.A. pumps out carols and the Nutcracker Suite. In spite of efforts to make this a cheerful event, Adam can’t help noticing that many of the people who come in for the meal stick to themselves, rarely look up, and eat quickly. But they say “thank you,” however quietly, when Adam puts a large slice of turkey on each plastic plate. Tommy is on the other end of the long serving table, pouring out cups of coffee and juice and nonalcoholic eggnog.
Afterwards, while they’re strapped into aprons, washing pots in a huge metal sink, a white-haired man in a clerical collar comes over. “Thomas, I hear from Margaret that you’re doing great things.”
Tommy ducks his head. “I have friends now,” he offers.
The priest (Adam assumes that’s what he is) lays a hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “That’s wonderful news. We’re still here if you need us, but all of us believe you’re going to do just fine. God bless you, son,” he tells Adam over Tommy’s head.
God had nothing to do with it, Adam thinks, but he nods. The priest is only doing what he knows how to do, and as long as he helped Tommy, he’s a good guy in Adam’s books.
“Don’t be a stranger,” the priest tells Tommy seriously.
Tommy nods. “I won’t.”
* * *
Just after Christmas they hear that SXSW has accepted them. Along with two thousand other indie bands, but still, it’s a chance to get heard.
“Our turn to shine,” Brian announces at practice. “This is all gonna pay off. Didn’t I tell you?”
“You told us,” agrees Isaac.
“And told us,” adds Ashley.
“Don’t everybody thank me at once,” Brian says.
Isaac laughs. “I can’t imagine a scenario where I’d ever thank you at all.”
Brian pulls a sad face.
“Okay, okay, thanks!” Isaac yells. “You’re the best band leader ever, bro.”
“About time you noticed,” Brian grouses good-naturedly.
By now they have two new songs. Somehow, amidst the other awesomeness of Tommy, it turns out that he has a knack for arranging music to suit the lyrics and melodic lines that Adam creates. By February, in time for SXSW, they hope to have at least two more.
They settle on Mandatory Cookie Meeting for a name, after going through various iterations like Rabid Frogs and Trojan Purse and The Obvious and The Thin Mints. “It sucks, but we need something,” Brian argues.
“I like it,” says Ashley, flipping her hair.
* * *
Tommy wants to spend New Year’s Eve with Adam. Maybe Ronette and Tommy can come over to Adam’s apartment and watch old movies and drink hot toddies and tease Ronette with her favorite toys?
“Ohmigod, Tommy, I’m sorry but I agreed to go to a party for New Year’s,” Adam says on the day before.
Tommy looks flummoxed. “You did?”
“It’s just some friends - I can cancel.”
“No, don’t. It’s okay.”
“Tommy, if you’re going to be alone - “
“Don’t worry,” Tommy says, going off to find Isaac and ask for a ride to Panorama City.
It takes a lot of talking on the phone (and Adam is so very glad Tommy has that phone so they can talk) to convince Tommy to come with him to the New Year’s Eve party. One more person won’t kill anything. In fact, Camilla and Leigh had already told him to bring a date. Not that Tommy’s a date, but they’ll love him. Adam doesn’t tell Tommy the date part, but assures him that he will be welcomed with open arms.
New Year’s Eve arrives and even though Adam lives in Hollywood and the party is in West Hollywood, he drives all the way to Panorama City to pick up Tommy, who is wearing a lacey purple shirt that might be see-through in better lighting. Adam does an honest-to-fuck double-take.
“What is that shirt, Tommy?”
“You don’t like it?”
What’s not to like? “I love it. It’s just so not what I expected you to wear.”
“I can change.” Tommy reaches for the seat belt to undo it.
“No way.” Adam puts an arm across Tommy’s chest. “Don’t go anywhere. You look gorgeous.” He pulls away from the curb. “We’re going to have fun. Don’t look so gloomy.”
Camilla and Leigh fall for Tommy, as Adam knew would happen. The two women are a couple, and lots of their guests are gay men and women. It doesn’t escape Adam’s notice that several of the men in the room are taking an interest in the unexpectedly elfin creature in their midst.
Adam keeps Tommy close by for a while. He doesn’t want to admit it, but he’s monitoring Tommy’s alcohol intake. He’s learned that Tommy doesn’t hold liquor all that well. Probably something to do with the lack of body mass.
They go out on the balcony and look over the Wilshire corridor. Colorful Christmas lights twinkle everywhere. The balcony itself is festooned. Tommy is adorable in the soft lighting. Adam experiences a moment of intense jealousy of the woman who’s going to snare him in the end and make him happy, happier than he is as Adam’s friend. Adam’s good enough to get beyond that and hope that Tommy finds someone and is happy.
A very large man steps onto the balcony, large as in tall and muscular. Adam recognizes him as one of Leigh’s friends, a guy who spent his college years as a linebacker for the UCLA Bruins. Adam doesn’t have to think twice about why Mr. Tall and Muscular came out on the balcony.
“Nice night, yeah?” the guy says, leaning against the balcony. He’s ridiculously handsome. Adam hates him on principle. “Name’s Rob Sanchez.”
“Adam Lambert,” he says, shaking hands. Adam may hate Rob for being so good-looking and manly, but he can’t deny that Rob seems friendly and chill.
“Leigh said you sing?” Rob asks. His eyes shift to Tommy; obviously that’s why he came out here. “And you play guitar?”
“Yes,” Adam says. “This is Tommy Ratliff. We’re in a band.”
Tommy practically glows at the description.
“Hey, Tommy,” Rob says casually.
“Hey,” Tommy says quietly.
“Have I heard of your band?”
“Not yet,” says Adam. “But you will.”
“Wish I had some artsy talent. I’m just a CPA.” Rob laughs. “The world’s most boring job.”
Adam decides Rob is nice and that he’s being ridiculous about Tommy. Tommy can take care of himself, and furthermore, he doesn’t need babysitting. A certified public accountant is not going to haul Tommy off to a lair and rape him. “Hey, I’m going back for some more of this punch; no, stay here, Tommy, I’ll be back.”
He’s a cad, but he leaves Tommy out there with the guy. He has no intention of returning to the balcony. Tommy is allowed to make friends with people Adam doesn’t know. That’s part of leaving the nest, right? So long as Tommy is safe, all is well. More or less. Later on, Adam’s going to corner Camilla and ask her to point out any available straight women at the party.
Someone’s taken an interest in Adam, too, a slender man with dark hair and a beautiful smile. Nick. Normally Adam would be all over that. Even not in the mood for hooking up, he finds himself having a great time talking with Nick, who works for the city planner’s office. They wind up sharing a sofa, wine glasses in hand, laughing a lot because frankly Nick is riotously witty.
The truth is, Adam hasn’t had sex with anyone other than himself for months now. He wants someone else’s hands on him. He can’t have the hands he wants, so he figures that it’s time for him to get back to dating. Nick would be a great start. He leans over to whisper something in Nick’s ear - something a bit too risqué for others to overhear - and out of the corner of his eye he sees Tommy coming in from the balcony. Tommy’s eyes go right to Adam, and the look of stunned hurt on Tommy’s little face punches Adam right in the gut.
He’s Tommy’s, and he can’t even deny it. It’s pretty fucked up that he’s in an intimate relationship with a guy he can’t even have sex with. He understands that Tommy is still vulnerable, still needs him, but what’s with the cockblocking? Tommy seems to want everything he’s got to give, and Adam’s not able to do that. When did his life get this complicated?
He forces himself not to run off to Tommy. It’s not healthy any longer. Adam has his own needs. He’s in his twenties and therefore regular sex shouldn’t be off the table. He’s not a monk, for fuck’s sake. He’s not even Catholic. Nick is right here, cute and funny and friendly. Adam should be able to consider getting together with Nick. Across the room, Rob is trailing Tommy around, and Camilla joins them, and Tommy’s just fine, Adam tells himself over and over.
Counting down to the New Year gets awkward. Nick is clearly interested in trying out a kiss, but Tommy is still there, across the room, sitting between Camilla and Rob on a sofa, looking at Adam while trying not to. Thrumming with energy that Adam can feel all the way over here. Tommy’s like a puppy waiting for an invitation.
On the television, the party at the Icon Lounge is starting its countdown and Leigh shows up with a freshly poured glass of champagne and calls out, “Ten!”
The room joins her with “Nine!”
Tommy’s obviously (to Adam anyway) unhappy and that makes Adam unhappy. On five Adam can’t bear it any longer; he tilts his chin in invitation and Tommy jumps up and darts over to Adam, tucking into his side away from Nick, who gives Adam a surprised look. When the clock hits one second before midnight, Adam doesn’t even know what he’s going to do, scrunched inelegantly between Nick and Tommy, both of them pretty much up in his business. Nick settles it for him a second later by grabbing his face and kissing him soundly on the lips. It’s nice because it’s been so long, but Adam can practically feel the sullen misery radiating from Tommy.
Adam smiles at Nick, gives him a quick kiss back, holds up one finger, and turns to Tommy. He whispers against Tommy’s ear, “Last year did you ever imagine you’d be here?” Without waiting for (or to be honest, wanting) an answer, he presses his lips against the short hair on the side of Tommy’s head. The only other thing he can do is to introduce the two to each other.
“You’re the guitarist Adam’s been telling me all about?” Nick asks with a friendly smile.
It’s true; Adam was blabbing on and on about Tommy. He feels stupid, but Nick’s comment makes Tommy less miserable. It doesn’t even take that long before Nick has Tommy deep in conversation about music venues around Los Angeles. Working in the city planner’s office clearly has advantages. Nick knows everything. Nick is a great guy if he can draw even Tommy out and get him going in conversation, no matter how hesitant on Tommy’s part.
* * *
The drive back to Panorama City is awkward, to say the least. After twenty minutes of sullen silence, Adam works up the nerve to ask if Tommy met any nice girls at the party.
“No,” Tommy says shortly.
Oh. Okay. So much for that attempt.
“Are you going out with Nick now?”
Adam is about to tell Tommy that’s not his business when he realizes he just asked Tommy something similar. “He asked me out.”
Tommy says nothing.
In another ten minutes Adam pulls up in front of Tommy’s apartment building. He turns off the engine. “I thought you liked Nick.”
“He’s nice.”
“So what’s the -“
“You kissed him. You didn’t even know him before tonight.”
“He kissed me.” Adam wanted the kiss - a kiss, any kiss - so he feels like a turd for saying this, but he can’t help reacting poorly. For a moment, unfair as it is, he’s a bit exasperated with Tommy.
Tommy folds his arms over his chest and stares out the front windshield. He’s still in the seat belt and shoulder harness. He looks like a kitten in a snit. “You pushed me away.”
Adam sighs inside. He’s careful to keep it there and not let it out. He suspects it wouldn’t go over well. He turns to face Tommy’s profile. “You don’t owe me anything. We need to be friends so we can work well in the band.”
Tommy huffs out a breath and releases the seatbelt. It retracts and the buckle clatters against the passenger door. “Okay.” He opens the door.
“Tommy -“ Adam reaches over but doesn’t touch.
“Thanks for the ride,” Tommy says, slipping out and slamming the door closed and trotting up the sidewalk to the apartment courtyard.
Adam wants badly to go after him and make it right. Except he has no idea how to do that.
He drives home very carefully. He knows that he’s distracted and there’s still some champagne sloshing around in his insides. He doesn’t want to cause an accident.
He sleeps for twelve hours. Wakes up, brushes his teeth, turns on the coffeemaker, and calls his mother.
He whines. There’s no other word for it. He tells her the full story - how Tommy offered to be Adam’s sex toy - twice. “For a minute, that first time, I thought maybe he actually did that to make money on the streets.”
“Are you sure he didn’t?”
“Now I am. But so what? It doesn’t make a difference to me either way. He can’t be my boyfriend and it’s torture and -“
“Adam, stop right there. Something isn’t adding up. It seems to me, from the events you’ve described, that Tommy is interested in going out with you.”
How can his mother be so ignorant? “Mom, no. Wasn’t I being clear? He feels it’s some kind of obligation, some way of paying me back. He can tell I have the world’s most grotesque crush on him, so he thinks that’s what I want.”
“How do you know that’s what he’s thinking? You don’t.”
“Oh my gawd, Mom, I can’t take advantage of him. I can’t be like his parents. Plus he’s straight. His only experience was with a girl.” Adam flounces to his sofa and falls back on it. The sun is too bright. He wants everything to be dark and depressing just at this moment. To match his mood.
“You’re being melodramatic,” Leila says. “You may be misreading Tommy.”
“Moooooooom,” Adam whines, dragging out the word as far as he dares.
“Here’s what you need to do. Write a sad poem. Get over it. Move on with life.”
“Why are you so reasonable, Mom?”
“Because I call ‘em like I see ‘em,” she answers. “By the way, Happy New Year, silly goose.”
On to Chapter 6