I should read back more often...
It's Easter break, so I didn't have to go to work this morning. A very nice thing, and I stayed out until almost 11 last night because I could. Usually my bedtime is around 9 or at the latest 10 (and if it's at 10:00 I regret it the next day), since I have to be at work at 6:30 in the morning. But for the whole weekend, I'm off.
So I slept in. At least, I didn't even wake up until 6:30, and didn't get out of bed until about 8:00. And I've been on the computer looking at old lj posts ever since.
It's interesting to go back and look at my life as told publicly. There's a lot that I'd completely forgotten about, forgotten how doing something made me feel. Like how much fun I had the first time I spent a day washing the fire trucks. The times that I just did something random, and enjoyed it like a little kid. Because after a while it got so routine, I doubt most of the stuff I wrote about as a newbie fire fighter will ever be that fresh and exciting again.
Then I also had forgotten just how big so much of what was going on during the years I was almost entirely alone and unemployed (not completely on either count, but enough to seriously affect my outlook on life). And going back to read the comments from my friends - proving that I'm not really alone no matter how much I feel like it. But it's very nice to know that in some ways I'm growing up. It doesn't ever bother me anymore not to get a comment on a blog entry. It used to make me feel so alone and insecure and wonder what was wrong with me, that none of my friends would go out of their way to prove to me that my fears were wrong when they would constantly support other friends on their blogs. Now I think I understand better. And I think I'm more secure, in who I am and in not being alone, even if the internet doesn't provide piles of affirmation.
On the other hand, it was really good to go back and just remember things I'd forgotten completely about. I remember now spending hours barefoot in my garden, with my jeans rolled up over my knees and a big straw hat shading my face. I actually am not a gardener and don't really enjoy it. But I liked feeling like a kid on holiday. I'm beginning to remember at various times the things I did or enjoyed the times that I felt free to just be me. And I had so much fun with certain things. And with a new start, a new home, it's time to recreate that delight. I'm finding myself looking forward to just doing certain things - stuff that no one's going to criticize you for, but that's not the point at all.
Even though I was really kind of an awkward, miserable kid most of the time - somehow the times I remember just really enjoying myself the most are the times in and after college that I felt free to just play. Only I got to pretend it was legitimate - like on the fire department when I first joined, I just loved playing "show and tell" (where's the Halligan on the truck?), dress-up (and be dressed in less than two minutes and breathing air), and "make-believe" (let's make-believe that Maclellan Hall is burning down...). Or when I didn't have my drivers license yet and had to go look for a job. I biked all over the top of the mountain for a month one summer (before I got a job playing in the dirt for the grounds department at the college), never really caring that no one was actually hiring. Then I filled my bike tires with a basketball pump accidentally, to the pressure recommended on the pump. What was worse, I did it at a home on my route (they said I was welcome to) when they weren't home so I had to figure out how to get about two miles with a tireless bike. And my ears were ringing. But I still look back on that summer as one in which I was truly happy most of the time.
I'm trying to look back and learn from the things I enjoyed, so I can do them again, instead of just trying to be happy by force of will while I'm doing stuff I don't hate but don't particularly care about either. Or else I used to love but I've burned out on, or it's just become routine because I still have to do it.
I'm helping a friend remodel a deck. It's awesome, and he really knows what he's doing so I'm learning. He doesn't mind that he has to explain everything, sometimes more than once, and that my efforts are not unlike those of a second-grader just learning cursive. Going back and re-doing pretty much everything... I thought I was decent with a hammer and a saw. It's a bit humbling but really really fun too.
I'm hoping to get into the carpenter's union apprenticeship program come August. That's when the next aptitude test is. I've always liked construction, and I want to actually learn what I'm doing. Working with Mike on his deck is a God-send. And I think - no, I'm pretty sure - I know what I'm going to do until I can.
I need to get out of Chartwells. I'm doing fine but I'm not really well suited for food-service. Or it's not suited for me. I'm stagnating, bored out of my skull most of the time, and it's a dead-end job. Plus there's too many days off with no compensation. And come May Term, that's a full three weeks.
But I don't really think that I'd have any trouble getting one of the maintenance shops to hire me over the summer. So I could actually be working over May term, not have to feed Student Life two meals every day (and the inconsistent schedule of working the conference department), I could come in to work at 8:00 instead of 6:30 - and I really miss seeing those guys all the time. Most of the men in maintenance have been my dad's best friends most of my life, and I know I'm their "baby girl." I've worked for them before, I just never thought I'd try to work for them again. But I will.
I never have worked carpentry, that's the best I think for what I want to do. But if not... James would be thrilled to have me in painting, I'm quite skilled there after about three summers, and Phil would like me in Electrical though I do not have my brother's almost magic gift with it. I'm sure Bill Mac would willingly take me in plumbing... and if worse comes to worse, I could work grounds again.
So I think I have a potential to spend time being happy again, and not just by force of will, but by the stuff I'm doing and the people I'm doing it with. Only it'll be a much richer happiness, because now I know that I know how. I just have to practice. And I don't "have to be perfect." And pressure hurts happiness. I can't wait.
So I slept in. At least, I didn't even wake up until 6:30, and didn't get out of bed until about 8:00. And I've been on the computer looking at old lj posts ever since.
It's interesting to go back and look at my life as told publicly. There's a lot that I'd completely forgotten about, forgotten how doing something made me feel. Like how much fun I had the first time I spent a day washing the fire trucks. The times that I just did something random, and enjoyed it like a little kid. Because after a while it got so routine, I doubt most of the stuff I wrote about as a newbie fire fighter will ever be that fresh and exciting again.
Then I also had forgotten just how big so much of what was going on during the years I was almost entirely alone and unemployed (not completely on either count, but enough to seriously affect my outlook on life). And going back to read the comments from my friends - proving that I'm not really alone no matter how much I feel like it. But it's very nice to know that in some ways I'm growing up. It doesn't ever bother me anymore not to get a comment on a blog entry. It used to make me feel so alone and insecure and wonder what was wrong with me, that none of my friends would go out of their way to prove to me that my fears were wrong when they would constantly support other friends on their blogs. Now I think I understand better. And I think I'm more secure, in who I am and in not being alone, even if the internet doesn't provide piles of affirmation.
On the other hand, it was really good to go back and just remember things I'd forgotten completely about. I remember now spending hours barefoot in my garden, with my jeans rolled up over my knees and a big straw hat shading my face. I actually am not a gardener and don't really enjoy it. But I liked feeling like a kid on holiday. I'm beginning to remember at various times the things I did or enjoyed the times that I felt free to just be me. And I had so much fun with certain things. And with a new start, a new home, it's time to recreate that delight. I'm finding myself looking forward to just doing certain things - stuff that no one's going to criticize you for, but that's not the point at all.
Even though I was really kind of an awkward, miserable kid most of the time - somehow the times I remember just really enjoying myself the most are the times in and after college that I felt free to just play. Only I got to pretend it was legitimate - like on the fire department when I first joined, I just loved playing "show and tell" (where's the Halligan on the truck?), dress-up (and be dressed in less than two minutes and breathing air), and "make-believe" (let's make-believe that Maclellan Hall is burning down...). Or when I didn't have my drivers license yet and had to go look for a job. I biked all over the top of the mountain for a month one summer (before I got a job playing in the dirt for the grounds department at the college), never really caring that no one was actually hiring. Then I filled my bike tires with a basketball pump accidentally, to the pressure recommended on the pump. What was worse, I did it at a home on my route (they said I was welcome to) when they weren't home so I had to figure out how to get about two miles with a tireless bike. And my ears were ringing. But I still look back on that summer as one in which I was truly happy most of the time.
I'm trying to look back and learn from the things I enjoyed, so I can do them again, instead of just trying to be happy by force of will while I'm doing stuff I don't hate but don't particularly care about either. Or else I used to love but I've burned out on, or it's just become routine because I still have to do it.
I'm helping a friend remodel a deck. It's awesome, and he really knows what he's doing so I'm learning. He doesn't mind that he has to explain everything, sometimes more than once, and that my efforts are not unlike those of a second-grader just learning cursive. Going back and re-doing pretty much everything... I thought I was decent with a hammer and a saw. It's a bit humbling but really really fun too.
I'm hoping to get into the carpenter's union apprenticeship program come August. That's when the next aptitude test is. I've always liked construction, and I want to actually learn what I'm doing. Working with Mike on his deck is a God-send. And I think - no, I'm pretty sure - I know what I'm going to do until I can.
I need to get out of Chartwells. I'm doing fine but I'm not really well suited for food-service. Or it's not suited for me. I'm stagnating, bored out of my skull most of the time, and it's a dead-end job. Plus there's too many days off with no compensation. And come May Term, that's a full three weeks.
But I don't really think that I'd have any trouble getting one of the maintenance shops to hire me over the summer. So I could actually be working over May term, not have to feed Student Life two meals every day (and the inconsistent schedule of working the conference department), I could come in to work at 8:00 instead of 6:30 - and I really miss seeing those guys all the time. Most of the men in maintenance have been my dad's best friends most of my life, and I know I'm their "baby girl." I've worked for them before, I just never thought I'd try to work for them again. But I will.
I never have worked carpentry, that's the best I think for what I want to do. But if not... James would be thrilled to have me in painting, I'm quite skilled there after about three summers, and Phil would like me in Electrical though I do not have my brother's almost magic gift with it. I'm sure Bill Mac would willingly take me in plumbing... and if worse comes to worse, I could work grounds again.
So I think I have a potential to spend time being happy again, and not just by force of will, but by the stuff I'm doing and the people I'm doing it with. Only it'll be a much richer happiness, because now I know that I know how. I just have to practice. And I don't "have to be perfect." And pressure hurts happiness. I can't wait.