heartbreak
I piss myself off everytime I try to make life fair. All the little things add up and I can deal with that... then throw a couple big things in there and I crash. I don't know if I will post this for people to read yet because I don't know what all it's going to say.
Maybe if I had gotten more sleep, I would be able to handle all this and not be nearly so frustrated. I just want everything to slow down. I don't want to cry myself to sleep again tonight. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be who I am right now. I don't care too much... and I definitely don't love TOO MUCH!!!! I'm not going to tell myself that. That's just fucking lies and I don't want to hear them. I want peaceful sleep... but crying doesn't get you there. Oh well...
Steve... I love you. It breaks my heart to hear you hurt. I don't know how you do it. I don't know if I would be able to. You have been there for me for so many things and I want to return the favor. I don't want anything happening to you. I just wish you could have a painfree, drugfree moment. That would probably do you some real good. There's so much more to say but I don't think this is the right time for it. I guess I'll move on til another day...
I wish Alyx would have called me or picked up his phone. Why can't he understand? And why did I let myself become so involved. I never wanted to. I never wanted to care so much. Back to the caring thing... great! I want to see him. It's important to me for some unknown reason. Maybe because I love him? I just feel like he's avoiding me... I really wanted to talk to him. God damn... why is it so hard to get ahold of you!! I want you to understand that its not fair to Andrea and I when you just disappear. I know you care... but it's so hard... so frustrating sometimes. And you were there today... and never called me... that hurt... Andrea told me and I didn't even want to hear it. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad if my day had been better. That's not fair to you but fairness is what's messing me up so badly tonight. I just want to talk...
Life how stupid you can be. I want to run and hide. I want to go somewhere to think. I have a feeling that writing will be a big part of my day tomorrow. Don't make me laugh... I most likely won't want to. Don't make me talk because I might not want to do that either. And please don't get frustrated or angry with me because I'm trying to cope with myself right now... life sucks... just let me handle it this time...
Maybe if I had gotten more sleep, I would be able to handle all this and not be nearly so frustrated. I just want everything to slow down. I don't want to cry myself to sleep again tonight. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be who I am right now. I don't care too much... and I definitely don't love TOO MUCH!!!! I'm not going to tell myself that. That's just fucking lies and I don't want to hear them. I want peaceful sleep... but crying doesn't get you there. Oh well...
Steve... I love you. It breaks my heart to hear you hurt. I don't know how you do it. I don't know if I would be able to. You have been there for me for so many things and I want to return the favor. I don't want anything happening to you. I just wish you could have a painfree, drugfree moment. That would probably do you some real good. There's so much more to say but I don't think this is the right time for it. I guess I'll move on til another day...
I wish Alyx would have called me or picked up his phone. Why can't he understand? And why did I let myself become so involved. I never wanted to. I never wanted to care so much. Back to the caring thing... great! I want to see him. It's important to me for some unknown reason. Maybe because I love him? I just feel like he's avoiding me... I really wanted to talk to him. God damn... why is it so hard to get ahold of you!! I want you to understand that its not fair to Andrea and I when you just disappear. I know you care... but it's so hard... so frustrating sometimes. And you were there today... and never called me... that hurt... Andrea told me and I didn't even want to hear it. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad if my day had been better. That's not fair to you but fairness is what's messing me up so badly tonight. I just want to talk...
Life how stupid you can be. I want to run and hide. I want to go somewhere to think. I have a feeling that writing will be a big part of my day tomorrow. Don't make me laugh... I most likely won't want to. Don't make me talk because I might not want to do that either. And please don't get frustrated or angry with me because I'm trying to cope with myself right now... life sucks... just let me handle it this time...