First Journal Entry: Out By The Lake

[gotcanewillpoke]

Fall came on much faster in Montana than New Jersey. Late September saw a chill in the air that reminded him of late October, early November. His leg ached, but his lungs appreciated the fresh air. He sat by the lake, fingering the journal James had given him. He'd been carrying it around, occassionally opening the cover to finger the pages. More

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[dontkeepkosher]

James left the lodge to go walking across the grounds, rugged up in a thick jacket, the collar upturned to keep the cold out while his hands were buried deep in his jeans pockets. The air was sharp and crisp, each breath in feeling like ice sliding down his throat and spreading through his lungs, but it felt good. It made his mugs feel clearer, made him more aware of his breathing, made him want to take in deeper lungfuls of air

[gotcanewillpoke]

Greg looked up, a startled look flashing in his eyes. He recovered quickly, though, and eased the journal off his lap, as if to hide it from James. "Colors are brighter out here. Richer," he added, and nodded for emphasis. He'd lived in Arizona, Colorado, and Washington State for a few months each as a kid, but even if he remembered the explosion of fall color, he knew it didn't compare to Fall in Montana.

He shifted a little, and tried not to wince. HIs leg didn't really hurt, but the chill in the air made it ache a dull ache. Made it stiff if he sat still for too long.

[dontkeepkosher]

"Yeah, they are," James replied, leaning forward to prop his elbows on his knees. He saw, out of the corner of his eyes, Greg sliding the journal out of sight. James pretending to not have seen it. Instead, he clasped his hands together and turned his attention to another bird that was swooping down over the water, obviously in search for fish.

He wasn't sure why, but he randomly found himself asking, "Do you ever miss New Jersey?"

[gotcanewillpoke]

"No," Greg answered without hesitation. New Jersey had not been particularly kind to him. The infarction, Stacy leaving, Stacy coming back and leaving again. Those were the things he associated with New Jersey.

But there were good memories too. Eating Chinese on Christmas Eve with James when he should ahve been home with his wife. Almost all his good memories involved James, somehow. But James was right next to him, and therefore couldn't be connected to missing New Jersey.

"Do you?"

[dontkeepkosher]

James was still staring out at the lake; he hadn't looked at Greg yet. He pressed his lips together and though hard about Greg's question for a moment, trying to work out whether to answer it honestly or not.

He did miss it. For various reasons. He didn't for other reasons, and those reasons were purely selfish ones; the mistakes he'd made, the messes he got himself into. But otherwise, he missed New Jersey. Probably the routine he had going there. And he couldn't help wondering what life in New Jersey would've been like had he and Greg been together there. Maybe he never would've got into all the messes he had.

"No," he finally replied, dishonestly, still not looking at Greg. He was watching a water fowl by the bank of the lake instead.

[gotcanewillpoke]

"You miss the routine. You knew what to expect in Jersey. Knew what was expected of you." Greg followed the line of James' gaze to the duck at the water's edge. The fact James had yet to look at him revealed more than the dull, flat tone of his voice. He knew James as well as he knew himself. Better than he knew himself in some ways, and yet sometimes he could still feel like he didn't know James at all.

[dontkeepkosher]

James didn't answer him. He didn't need to. Greg had him nailed, pretty much. Escaping to New York had felt liberating while it was good, but then everything went bad. Escaping to Montana was supposed to feel equally as liberating, and James tried to think himself into thinking it was. But it wasn't, because deep down the whole darkness between himself and Greg still lingered. James didn't know how to deal with it.

He watched the duck take off and soar across the lake before he turned his eyes up towards the sky, squinting at the sunshine.

"You did, too," he finally said in response to Greg's remark about knowing what was expected of him, trying to pin some of it back onto Greg so Greg didn't probe any deeper. Not that that would necessarily work.

[gotcanewillpoke]

"Difference is I wasn't running, when I left. She was already gone. There was nothing left to leave behind except you." Greg fingered the edge of his journal. He wasn't inclined to share it with James, maybe he never would. He pulled up a little to slide the book under his leg.

"And like a faithful puppy, you followed." There was a tone in his words that might have implied, Like I knew you would.

[dontkeepkosher]

James pursed his lips at Greg's last words. He felt a flare of indignance, wanting to slap Greg down instantly. He didn't like that Greg had insinuated that sentence just after making the remark about him running away.

"And what if I hadn't?" he replied, finding himself saying that more snippishly than he wanted it to come out.

He still wasn't looking at Greg. He felt that if he met Greg's eyes, Greg might recognise something in James' eyes that James didn't want to even talk about. Fear. Uncertainty. Doubt. Guilt. They were all nasty emotions.

[gotcanewillpoke]

"If you hadn't, we wouldn't be here right now." Greg might have stayed on at the clinic in New York, but maybe not. He'd been restless there. even after James came. He'd never felt quite right.

James didn't have to look at him for Greg to pick up on the fear and uncertainty. He could read it in the jerky body language, in the way James wouldn't make eye contact. He hadn't really even looked Greg's way at all.

"You'd be planning your fourth trip down the aisle of doom, and I'd refuse to attend on principle."

[dontkeepkosher]

Yeah, that's exactly what would've happened. Marriage number four. Divorce number four. He could've ended up like a male version of Elizabeth Taylor, marrying an endless string of needy women until he was in his seventies and realised he hadn't had an ounce of real happiness in his life; just momentary glimpses of pseudo happiness.

"That would've been a pity," James said, a little dryly. He fell silent for a moment, lowering his eyes from the sky to look across the lake at the trees.

"You could've been the voice of reason and maybe I would've listened to you, for once."

Whoa. That was more revealing that he intended to be. He pressed his lips together in a tight line, almost bracing himself for the impact of Greg's remark to that.

[gotcanewillpoke]

"No, you wouldn't have," Greg scrubbed his hands over his face. Talking to James, lately, felt like beating a dead horse, to the point that Greg had to push him to a verbal fight just to get him to feel something, until that last statement. Whether he meant it as a farce or not, he revealed a lot more than he intended, and the truth of it reached Greg on a deep, primitive level. He very nearly gave Jame his journal right then and there to let him read what he'd written. He wasn't even sure what he'd written, once he got past his resistance.

"You would have pretended to listen, maybe so far as to pretend to take it to heart, and then you'd have ignored everything I ever said to you."

[dontkeepkosher]

James set his jaw. Maybe that's what would've happened. Greg was probably right. But maybe that wouldn't have happened, either. But where would that have left James? It would've left him nowhere. Which was why he would've ignored Greg's comment and gone ahead with a fourth marriage, hypothetically speaking. Unless something else was offered to him that he could cling onto. Like Greg.

"Until it was too late," James found himself quietly saying.

It was almost like he was trying to talk to Greg, but didn't know how to. Because he really didn't know how to, in spite of how close they were and how much they'd shared.

[gotcanewillpoke]

"Exactly," Greg confirmed. He had no doubt as to how things would have played out if he'd never left New Jersey. Because if he'd never left, james would never have left, and they never would have shared a bed, and Greg never would have kissed James like he did. They'd still be House and Wilson, and Greg would be spouting off random nicknames at James to get a rise out of him. To avoid and bury any thoughts of intimacy between them

[dontkeepkosher]

James stared ahead of him at the lake, and perhaps if Greg was to look at him he'd notice just by looking at James profile that James looked... lost. This whole thing with the journal, James couldn't work out why but it was making him feel unhinged. Probably because the entire idea of it meant that James had to think about the choices he'd made in life, the outcomes of the choices and how badly he dealt with them all. How much he'd lied. How much he'd manipulated to get his way. How much it made him realised he didn't like himself as a person. James didn't want to write about that stuff. And Montana, this lodge, there was nowhere for him to really run away from it.

He didn't respond to Greg. Instead, he lowered his head to stare down between his knees at the grass, almost looking as though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

[gotcanewillpoke]

"But that's not how things played out, because you did find me in New York." His voice was soft and quiet. He had looked at James, and was still looking at James, watching him, studying his body language. He didn't care for what he was seeing.

Greg had always known James wasn't truly happy. He'd said as many times as he could fin a reason, that James was more screwed up then himself. He used his leg as a crutch, and in much the same way, James used his kindness as a buffer against the reality of the world around him. Even so, there was only one other time James had seemed to Greg to be as lost as he was at the moment, and that was in the moments after Greg had raped him over the kitchen table in New York.

"Do you want to go back to New Jersey, James?"