I cannot begin to even...
I know it's been many moons since I've last written, and it's not because I haven't wanted to. There's has just been so much going on in my life that I can't even take the time to write it down...to detox from the poisons of life. Writing is a way that I escape, but it's something that I don't do nearly often enough because it just takes so much time. Maybe if I could type faster or more accurately or if my brain went slower than my fingers, or at the very least the same speed.
Tonight, though, I cannot sleep. I am too mad. I am too frustrated, irritated, pissed off--I cannot even find a really good word. I'm sure there exists a German word to describe exactly what I'm feeling. There are many things that have been taunting me as of late and maybe this is just the straw that broke the camel's back, but I don't know. What's been in the forefront of my mind tonight and the source of my preoccupation is the fact that for the life of me, I cannot get any (quality) guys to take an interest in me. This is not to say that I've expended every medium to meet men who like men, but of the media that I have selected, I have had very little luck.
When I send a message on OkCupid or Grindr or A4A or anything, what do I get back most of the time? Nothing. Not a single word. On OkCupid and A4A, I can see if they've visited my profile or read my message, and I can tell when I'm being written off. Like seriously, what the FUCK? I think there are a few compounding factors here which make this the way it is:
I think the big part of it is that I'm not "pretty enough" to be allowed to converse with the online population of gay men. It should be (a probably unhealthy) motive for me to exercise, but it just makes me irritated more than anything.
It's especially irritating because I know that I am a nice and good person who is fun and enjoyable to be around. I am! I am also smart and not socially inept and can carry a conversation with someone. Despite this, I am overlooked because of my 5' 8" 250 lb rather overweight figure. I will bring him up later, but there is this high school boy Cody who I met on Grindr (he actually messaged me first), who cannot hold a conversation via text to save his life. He is also not of exceptional intelligence. My bar may be set high by my peers, but I've talked to other guys near his age and they are not as dumb as this kid. And yet, somehow, he managed to find himself a guy who is out of college. You want to know why? Because he is decently good looking. I cannot think of any other reason why. He doesn't contribute to the conversation when you talk. He just answers in short phrases, if you're lucky. It might even just be one word or two, with one abbreviated.
I guess this is as good of a time as any to bring up another aspect of why I'm thoroughly irritated. The boys I have had interactions with have all been flops for one reason or another and it's getting to be extremely disheartening. Last December, I ventured in the debauchery-filled world of Tumblr, opening a porn blog and seeing how it went. I met some cool people. I met some weird people. I'm still there, but I don't know if I will continue the blog much longer. Some of the following boys will be from there.
Tonight, though, I cannot sleep. I am too mad. I am too frustrated, irritated, pissed off--I cannot even find a really good word. I'm sure there exists a German word to describe exactly what I'm feeling. There are many things that have been taunting me as of late and maybe this is just the straw that broke the camel's back, but I don't know. What's been in the forefront of my mind tonight and the source of my preoccupation is the fact that for the life of me, I cannot get any (quality) guys to take an interest in me. This is not to say that I've expended every medium to meet men who like men, but of the media that I have selected, I have had very little luck.
When I send a message on OkCupid or Grindr or A4A or anything, what do I get back most of the time? Nothing. Not a single word. On OkCupid and A4A, I can see if they've visited my profile or read my message, and I can tell when I'm being written off. Like seriously, what the FUCK? I think there are a few compounding factors here which make this the way it is:
- Gay men are superficial to a fault. If you ain't unbelievably cute, you ain't worth my time. If you're kinda cute, I might give you a shot if this is a real-life situation. If you look like you have a 38 waist, psh, fuck no. The exception is that if you are a (lonely) old dude or, seemingly, a black dude. I don't know what it is, but the few times I've been "hit up," it's been by black guys. Now, there's nothing wrong with black guys, but most of the time they don't have a picture, so I can't even see them. And most of the time, they're trolling for ass that I won't give.
- Gay guys my age generally are still going through their "slut phase." Or something like that. I have to read the blog I found a little more closely, but I am under the impression that guys my age are still trying to hang on to their youth and get as much ass as they can, or at least not be committed. I would prefer to date someone +/- 5 years of my age, but it seems that guys seeking relationships are hard to come by.
I think the big part of it is that I'm not "pretty enough" to be allowed to converse with the online population of gay men. It should be (a probably unhealthy) motive for me to exercise, but it just makes me irritated more than anything.
It's especially irritating because I know that I am a nice and good person who is fun and enjoyable to be around. I am! I am also smart and not socially inept and can carry a conversation with someone. Despite this, I am overlooked because of my 5' 8" 250 lb rather overweight figure. I will bring him up later, but there is this high school boy Cody who I met on Grindr (he actually messaged me first), who cannot hold a conversation via text to save his life. He is also not of exceptional intelligence. My bar may be set high by my peers, but I've talked to other guys near his age and they are not as dumb as this kid. And yet, somehow, he managed to find himself a guy who is out of college. You want to know why? Because he is decently good looking. I cannot think of any other reason why. He doesn't contribute to the conversation when you talk. He just answers in short phrases, if you're lucky. It might even just be one word or two, with one abbreviated.
I guess this is as good of a time as any to bring up another aspect of why I'm thoroughly irritated. The boys I have had interactions with have all been flops for one reason or another and it's getting to be extremely disheartening. Last December, I ventured in the debauchery-filled world of Tumblr, opening a porn blog and seeing how it went. I met some cool people. I met some weird people. I'm still there, but I don't know if I will continue the blog much longer. Some of the following boys will be from there.
- Josh, 25: He was the first guy I ever had a date with. We met on OkCupid and his pictures showed him to be ok looking (see, I'm subject to the superficiality as well...) and he was able to hold a conversation and, as far as I can remember, I was pretty excited to meet him. We talked for maybe three weeks before we met for coffee--or so I thought it would be. I ended up with coffee and he didn't and we just talked. He also had to take a call with his mother, which was a fatal mistake on his part, because I got to see how he talked to his mother and I wasn't impressed. I can understand that his mother is extremely burdensome on him, but still, it didn't help him. We also walked around and shot the shit for the rest of the date. Talking to him, I just was very unimpressed with his conversation topics and also the awkward attempts he made at telling me I was good looking. It was flattering that Josh thought that I was not just good looking but hot, but I did not handle it well, and I honestly couldn't pay the compliments back genuinely. His pictures were misleading and definitely his "best side." We met up maybe a couple more times but ultimately I told him that there was no "spark." He agreed and now we just talk when he randomly messages me. We also went to the local amusement park together on his day off because he wanted to have some fun (and he worked there...weird? A little). I had fun, but he and I are just different people and I don't see us being much more than acquaintances.
- Aaron, 22: Aaron isn't the first guy I met from Tumblr, but he is definitely the first one I talked to that I was attracted to. Fondly referred to among my friends as my "Chicago boy," Aaron is a very attractive guy with whom I hit it off online. He and I spent hours chatting and eventually we started calling each other. He has even trusted me with some really personal details of his life. I helped him through the breakup with his long distance boyfriend. I guess before I say that I should mention that maybe a few weeks into our friendship, I spent a good four hours one day sexting with him. It was so hot. This, however, really caused me to latch on to him and, since he was with his bf at the time, I told myself that I couldn't talk like that with him any more. To make a long story short, this whole thing blew up, I ended up really mad, then sad. I thought he wasn't going to talk to me again and then three days later he and I started talking again. I feel partly responsible for the termination of his relationship, but it was on very thin ice as it was. I just tapped gently with an ice pick. In any case, I have expressed feeling for Aaron. I can't complain about the fact that he was so honest with me, but he told me that I was "boyfriend material" and that he was not. Even now, I hold out hope that he will be able to accept his "feels" for me or for someone else who will make him happy. He is troubled and has a lot of baggage, but I still feel drawn to him, even if I can't have him.
- Kyle, 20?: Kyle was a short-lived obsession on Tumblr. He was super sweet and was a lot of talk, I think. I got attached and then, well, he became distant and that was that.
- Scott, 25: This is a local boy I met on Grindr. He was selling Amway on Grindr, so I had to ask what his story was. He was cute and we chatted and I admired his positive attitude and his spirit. We met for Chipotle and we fought over who would pay. I won the argument by saying my card was cuter (it has a panda on it). I spilled my water and was a klutz. We then walked around downtown, watched the furries (Anthrocon 2013) and walked by the river to the fountain at the Point. It was all very romantic and wonderful. He walked me back to the bus stop. We debated going back to my place to watch a movie, but decided against it. I got a hug and a text later saying he had a really great time. I was ecstatic. But, it wasn't to be. It came to pass later on that he met up with this guy he'd been talking to for 6 months and finally met and they really hit it off and "there might be a relationship there." I kind of bitched him out and asked if he had bothered to think that maybe I was interested. He said that it hadn't really crossed his mind. I was mad and we didn't talk much after that. I still get occasional texts from him when he's lonely. He apparently has connected with long lost siblings in Illinois and may be moving there by next summer.
- Bob, 24: Another Grindr meet, I was really, really hoping to make this work. Bob was really cute, tall, personable, charismatic, and perhaps most importantly, smart. He was full of trivia and a knowledge of history. He is planning to go to graduate school. We talked a lot and had some really good conversation on Grindr and texting. We set up a dinner date at this place right around the corner from my apartment. I wasn't feeling too hot, so I could have been more peppy, but the date was overall very good and we agreed to meet again. We met a couple times after that, once for lunch and once for dinner. Both times were very enjoyable and we had lots of good conversation. The only complaint I have about our dates were that they were so...quick. The last time we had dinner, he picked me up just after 5 and had me back at work by 6:30, where we had dinner and ice cream in that. Admittedly, the food was cafeteria-style Middle Eastern food, so it was fast inherently, but everything always felt so rushed. That aside though, I was ecstatic to get to know this guy. A couple weeks after our last dinner date, I see on his Facebook, "Just got a job in California, I'm leaving in a week!" Oh, really? So, yes, he left and in a hurry. I'm glad he got a great job though, but it was unexpected and saddening. I have a promise of drinks when he comes back to town though. I'll have to see if he's here for Turkey Day.
- Mike, 36: Mike is such a tough thing. I could go on forever about him, and not just about how I really like him. To put it simply, Mike works for my graduate advisor, but is not himself a graduate student. This introduces a level of complexity into our friendship, as "inter-office relationships" always end badly, right? Mike is absolutely adorable and does not look his age by any means. He looks like he's in his late 20s, when he's approaching his mid 30s. He is also extremely friendly and just the right amount of awkward. He and I get along quite well. He even is ok with the innuendo; he shoots it right back at me, so we could both file sexual harassment cases if we felt the need to stab each other in the back. He is a great guy. Unfortunately, this great guy comes with great amounts of baggage, the extent of which I've only begun to unveil. The most important of these bags is his hangup with his most recent ex. They broke up early in the year, I think. I can't remember exactly when. The breakup was hard on Mike. His ex was...23? He was in graduate school and I think that was part of the reason for the breakup. I don't know how the breakup went, but certainly it did not sit well with Mike. To make matters worse, though, his ex committed suicide at the beginning of this school year. This was compounded by the death of his father weeks earlier, among other things. Mike will occasionally say things like, "I haven't used Snapchat because I installed it and used it for the first time with my ex and it reminds me of him," or "Is it bad that I want to buy this jacket because it looks like one he used to wear?" In addition, I think this breakup has made Mike believe that he is not worthy of a relationship. He has told me, in so many words, that he is better off alone. Mike is not dumb and hopefully not too dense to notice that I like him. It's pretty freaking obvious. When he tells me these things, I don't know what to make of it, though. In addition, he also seems to be showering me with random gifts. He bought me a shoe rack as a Christmas present! That's the perfect enabler gift. It just makes me wonder if he's normally this friendly or if he's actually taken an interest in me, but is still weighed down by this baggage. Mike is by far the most frustrating case for me, because he's so close and yet I cannot even bark up the tree.
- Will, 22: Will is another guy I met on Tumblr. He is very smart, very attractive, and very taken. -_____- He and I have talked most every day for the past few weeks. He has confided in me at least one secret that he hasn't really divulged to anyone else. I can tell that Will also has a lot of baggage. He is an alcoholic and there is something deep and dark underneath that beautiful external smile that is bothering him. He's let me see his frustration before, but he has never talked about what really is bothering him. I think maybe even he doesn't really know how to say it. The more I get close to Will, though, the more I get attached to him. I see myself being a homewrecker in my fantasies. Will seems dedicated to his boyfriend, even though he does post naked selfies and flashes his dick at people on webcam (he always let me know when he's camming :P). Will lives in central PA and I've told Will I'd like to meet him sometime before he runs (potentially) far away to school and he's been very receptive and actually said it would be fun to get a drink together. Will is very good at keeping his real life separate from his internet life, but I've asked and there's been a few people he's let bridge the gap. I hope to be one of those people one day. If we do meet, though, I can only imagine there will be some sexual tension as we both share a lot of the same fetishes and we would like to indulge each other.
- Tommy, 25: Tommy...*sigh* This is for another time. My mind hurts from writing...