(no subject)
I posted a while ago about how a few months ago I went a little bit crazy. After I had realized that, I realized that I had shut down and stopped dealing with anything. I think I may have said something to that effect. Now, I am making myself feel again. And it lets the bad crazy out a little bit here and there, which I try to only let happen around people that know me well enough to deal with it without running away screaming. This has worked out reasonably well, for the most part... though I have accidentally let a little of the bad crazy out on someone who doesn't know me very well, and I feel really bad about that.
Feeling is... difficult. Most days, I'm great, and fine, and laughing and generally in a great mood. Some days... i can't even describe why, just everything hits me and I break down. I had a minor mental breakdown at a friend's house a while ago, and he was great... though the cat side of me hated letting him see me be weak. Haha. I had days where I'm sitting and chatting and being fine at home alone, then the walls start closing in and I start cleaning so that I am *doing* something and not just sitting in a corner crying, though sometimes that happens, too.
I don't... understand this. I mean, I know there was a lot that happened all at once. It's not fair, but it's also not the first time I have experienced loss. I don't understand why it is so very difficult, except maybe that I was closer to the people and things involved. Maybe that's all... too much, too connected, too close. Though there are other people who went through the same or worse than I, and they seem to be fine by now. Of course, to most people I probably seem fine, too. Lol. I don't know how to get better. Honestly, I don't, though I think I am doing it. If someone were to ask me how I was dealing with everything, I wouldn't be able to answer them. It's all internal, and I cannot analyze it close enough to put it into words.
As I said before, most days I'm great. It's just random days that everything closes in and I question my sanity again. Lol. Though I do question my intelligence on other matters, sometimes.
One day at a time. And don't run from things that might be good, just because you're afraid that since similar things didn't work out before the same thing will happen this time.
Feeling is... difficult. Most days, I'm great, and fine, and laughing and generally in a great mood. Some days... i can't even describe why, just everything hits me and I break down. I had a minor mental breakdown at a friend's house a while ago, and he was great... though the cat side of me hated letting him see me be weak. Haha. I had days where I'm sitting and chatting and being fine at home alone, then the walls start closing in and I start cleaning so that I am *doing* something and not just sitting in a corner crying, though sometimes that happens, too.
I don't... understand this. I mean, I know there was a lot that happened all at once. It's not fair, but it's also not the first time I have experienced loss. I don't understand why it is so very difficult, except maybe that I was closer to the people and things involved. Maybe that's all... too much, too connected, too close. Though there are other people who went through the same or worse than I, and they seem to be fine by now. Of course, to most people I probably seem fine, too. Lol. I don't know how to get better. Honestly, I don't, though I think I am doing it. If someone were to ask me how I was dealing with everything, I wouldn't be able to answer them. It's all internal, and I cannot analyze it close enough to put it into words.
As I said before, most days I'm great. It's just random days that everything closes in and I question my sanity again. Lol. Though I do question my intelligence on other matters, sometimes.
One day at a time. And don't run from things that might be good, just because you're afraid that since similar things didn't work out before the same thing will happen this time.