Surviving the Hellatus: The J2 Canon - Devour
Spring Hellatus is here, and rather than watch “Unforgiven” for the third time (because, really, Robo!Sam’s taste in women was just…yuck), I joined those crazy bitches from the Home Planet for another watch-and-chat. Just so you can totally understand, this involves me sitting in my office, which is in the basement of the building, tucked inside three other rooms, with no windows or air vents, watching on one computer and chatting on the other while the rest of the building is empty (duh, it’s Saturday night - what kind of loser is voluntarily in her office on a Saturday night?) and dark. Very, very dark.
You can imagine how much fun watching this was, especially when the very first scene starts out with some crazy ass bloody creepy shit. The awesomeness pretty much keeps rolling from there. (This is my sarcastic font.)
Here’s the important stuff you need to know if you’re new to the SPN fandom and haven’t seen the movie:
1. It sucks.
2. But Our Boy is absolutely glorious. Freckles abound. Pretty eyelashes. Twink voice. He’s not quite Alec - I don’t think anything can ever compare to Alec - but he’s totally worth 90 minutes of your time. Put it on mute and wipe the drool off your keyboard when you're done.
Incidentally, I converted four lesbians to Deangirls this week. I decided we’re starting a fan club, Lesbians for Jensen. Others have suggested we call ourselves Lesbians for Freckles. We shall declare ourselves rivals of my new LJ bud’s Gays for Jared community and have some kind of epic showdown. The winner will go on to play against the Minions.
But I digress…
3. It was filmed in Vancouver, and with all the Dark Angel, SPN, and BSG (which I’m currently watching), I pretty much recognize every extra and location in Vancouver. If you’re like me, you’ll be lulzing. In addition to Not!Kirk, about whom I write passionately in my Dark Angel recaps, we have the same lake with a dock that is in every single TV show I watched this year. And I’m pretty I’ve seen some of those highways and that forest, too.
4. Surprise!Incest. You sick pervs, you know this is why you like SPN. Just admit it. And why is it that every movie Our Boys end up in has some kind of incest overtone? Are they just naturally drawn to the subject for some reason?
5. Our Boy gets all flustered by a would-be blowjob and then makes UNF sounds during chair sex. So if you go for that sort of thing, have your cell phone ready to make it your ringtone.
6. The Crazy Conspiracy that started with Stonehenge Apocalypse is fully vindicated! That’s right. We have Satan! We have mommy issues! We have daddy issues! We have mysterious births leading to destiny! We have Not!Kirk facing off against Our Boy! And in this movie Mommy died in 1983, the same year Baby was born.
I’m not making this shit up.
Okay, all that being said, we do have to remind ourselves of point #1 - This movie sucks, so let’s just go with what we all actually care about anyway, i.e. Beautiful Jensen. Here’s a pic for your time:
Scorecard
Jared’s Hair (10 being Season 3, 1 being the L’Oreal commercial): 8. We have Dean Winchester spikage, but since this takes place in the pre-Batman years, I’d really go for a little blond in the front. Is that too much to ask?
Jensen’s Voice (10 being Damian the LARPer, 1 being the pilot): 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jared’s Body (10 being lanky season 1, 1 being ‘roided up mid-season 5): 5. Sadly Our Boy remains fully clothed the entire movie. Even during the sex scenes, LMAO. But there is some bonus bowlegged goodness in the first five seconds.
Brotherly Love (10 being the early years, 1 being “Sex and Violence”): 1. At first he’s all, “I have to protect you, creepy ginger [I’m a redhead, so I can use that term]. I’ve got your back. I wuv you even though you’re creepy and ugly and stoned off your ass,” and then all of sudden it’s “my daddy hates me, and I have a fixation with my mother who’s out of the picture, and my uncle is more like a father to me” - sound familiar? Then all of a sudden Our Boy’s the freaking dark prince. Too bad he doesn’t have a Beloved Consort. Well, I suppose Mommy!Satan counts, but, you know, hetero mommy incest just isn’t the same.
Use of women’s bodies (10 being tit for tat, 1 being naked Ruby and Meg torture while Sam and Dean torture is merely shoeless): 9. A little back of nekked lady-back. That’s pretty much it. For a movie that’s so weird and graphic and awful, it sure has a hang-up on nudity.
This shit makes me miss Dark Angel. A lot.
You can imagine how much fun watching this was, especially when the very first scene starts out with some crazy ass bloody creepy shit. The awesomeness pretty much keeps rolling from there. (This is my sarcastic font.)
Here’s the important stuff you need to know if you’re new to the SPN fandom and haven’t seen the movie:
1. It sucks.
2. But Our Boy is absolutely glorious. Freckles abound. Pretty eyelashes. Twink voice. He’s not quite Alec - I don’t think anything can ever compare to Alec - but he’s totally worth 90 minutes of your time. Put it on mute and wipe the drool off your keyboard when you're done.
Incidentally, I converted four lesbians to Deangirls this week. I decided we’re starting a fan club, Lesbians for Jensen. Others have suggested we call ourselves Lesbians for Freckles. We shall declare ourselves rivals of my new LJ bud’s Gays for Jared community and have some kind of epic showdown. The winner will go on to play against the Minions.
But I digress…
3. It was filmed in Vancouver, and with all the Dark Angel, SPN, and BSG (which I’m currently watching), I pretty much recognize every extra and location in Vancouver. If you’re like me, you’ll be lulzing. In addition to Not!Kirk, about whom I write passionately in my Dark Angel recaps, we have the same lake with a dock that is in every single TV show I watched this year. And I’m pretty I’ve seen some of those highways and that forest, too.
4. Surprise!Incest. You sick pervs, you know this is why you like SPN. Just admit it. And why is it that every movie Our Boys end up in has some kind of incest overtone? Are they just naturally drawn to the subject for some reason?
5. Our Boy gets all flustered by a would-be blowjob and then makes UNF sounds during chair sex. So if you go for that sort of thing, have your cell phone ready to make it your ringtone.
6. The Crazy Conspiracy that started with Stonehenge Apocalypse is fully vindicated! That’s right. We have Satan! We have mommy issues! We have daddy issues! We have mysterious births leading to destiny! We have Not!Kirk facing off against Our Boy! And in this movie Mommy died in 1983, the same year Baby was born.
I’m not making this shit up.
Okay, all that being said, we do have to remind ourselves of point #1 - This movie sucks, so let’s just go with what we all actually care about anyway, i.e. Beautiful Jensen. Here’s a pic for your time:
Scorecard
Jared’s Hair (10 being Season 3, 1 being the L’Oreal commercial): 8. We have Dean Winchester spikage, but since this takes place in the pre-Batman years, I’d really go for a little blond in the front. Is that too much to ask?
Jensen’s Voice (10 being Damian the LARPer, 1 being the pilot): 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jared’s Body (10 being lanky season 1, 1 being ‘roided up mid-season 5): 5. Sadly Our Boy remains fully clothed the entire movie. Even during the sex scenes, LMAO. But there is some bonus bowlegged goodness in the first five seconds.
Brotherly Love (10 being the early years, 1 being “Sex and Violence”): 1. At first he’s all, “I have to protect you, creepy ginger [I’m a redhead, so I can use that term]. I’ve got your back. I wuv you even though you’re creepy and ugly and stoned off your ass,” and then all of sudden it’s “my daddy hates me, and I have a fixation with my mother who’s out of the picture, and my uncle is more like a father to me” - sound familiar? Then all of a sudden Our Boy’s the freaking dark prince. Too bad he doesn’t have a Beloved Consort. Well, I suppose Mommy!Satan counts, but, you know, hetero mommy incest just isn’t the same.
Use of women’s bodies (10 being tit for tat, 1 being naked Ruby and Meg torture while Sam and Dean torture is merely shoeless): 9. A little back of nekked lady-back. That’s pretty much it. For a movie that’s so weird and graphic and awful, it sure has a hang-up on nudity.
This shit makes me miss Dark Angel. A lot.