(no subject)
i made the big decision today that i am going to apply for osap (instead of trying to save money) and go to school in '08.
then, sitting here right now.. it hit me, what if i dont get accepted to school? what if they are like "no" the top school that i want to attend is Parsons in NY, but i don't even plan to apply there because even if i was accepted, i could never in a million years afford it.
my second choice (my actual TOP choice) is OCAD. i for some outlandish ridiculous reason figured that when i applied.. i would just get in? what if i dont? i havent thought of backup schools.. there are no other schools i am interested in? what if i am not good enough to get in?
maybe this is why i have been putting this off for so long... this is why i have been putting it off for so long. maybe i am not destined. if you are a artist, you are supposed to live and breathe for you art. i have been putting it on the backburner. i have no drive.
i am going to spend the rest of my stupid life working at a stupid message service or at stupid zellers. i can't believe i never thought that i might not get in, i cant believe that i am so big headed that i just assumed that i am good enough.
even if i was good enough, i wouldnt accept me to school because i obviously dont want it enough. if i had wanted it i would of done it when i was 17. not 22.
i have regressed, i am in a constant state of regression. i feel like a idiot all of the time. i feel like i should be doing so much more, and i have wasted the time in my life that i was supposed to spend preparing. i never work hard enough. why is it that i decided that life should be handed to me?
my sister has always worked so much harder than me, and it has shown. i think since we were children, she was told "denise, you are going to have to work a little harder" so she did, and i was told "monica, you'll be fine" because i displayed wit and talent at a young age.. so i decided then and there that i would float through life.
no one is going to approach me on the street and say "you are fantastic, here is a scholarship" it is not going to happen.
man, when am i going to hit rock bottom? maybe i have been at rock bottom for so long.. too long, that this is just kind of it now. man. i am a fucking idiot.
then, sitting here right now.. it hit me, what if i dont get accepted to school? what if they are like "no" the top school that i want to attend is Parsons in NY, but i don't even plan to apply there because even if i was accepted, i could never in a million years afford it.
my second choice (my actual TOP choice) is OCAD. i for some outlandish ridiculous reason figured that when i applied.. i would just get in? what if i dont? i havent thought of backup schools.. there are no other schools i am interested in? what if i am not good enough to get in?
maybe this is why i have been putting this off for so long... this is why i have been putting it off for so long. maybe i am not destined. if you are a artist, you are supposed to live and breathe for you art. i have been putting it on the backburner. i have no drive.
i am going to spend the rest of my stupid life working at a stupid message service or at stupid zellers. i can't believe i never thought that i might not get in, i cant believe that i am so big headed that i just assumed that i am good enough.
even if i was good enough, i wouldnt accept me to school because i obviously dont want it enough. if i had wanted it i would of done it when i was 17. not 22.
i have regressed, i am in a constant state of regression. i feel like a idiot all of the time. i feel like i should be doing so much more, and i have wasted the time in my life that i was supposed to spend preparing. i never work hard enough. why is it that i decided that life should be handed to me?
my sister has always worked so much harder than me, and it has shown. i think since we were children, she was told "denise, you are going to have to work a little harder" so she did, and i was told "monica, you'll be fine" because i displayed wit and talent at a young age.. so i decided then and there that i would float through life.
no one is going to approach me on the street and say "you are fantastic, here is a scholarship" it is not going to happen.
man, when am i going to hit rock bottom? maybe i have been at rock bottom for so long.. too long, that this is just kind of it now. man. i am a fucking idiot.