none worth mentioning.
I have not posted anything in 7 years - that is a long time.
Of late, I have caught myself reminiscing past friendships, relationships, and missteps I have taken with a very "if I'd only known" attitude. I find myself saying things like, "I should have," and "I could have," or "if only I..."... It is a self defeating cycle. The irony of it is, I am not sure what has brought this on, or even what I would change. There are a few things, if I could, I would change. However, those are not what I find myself thinking of. Perhaps this is a midlife crisis..maybe?
In many of the circumstances that are looping in my brain I still think and feel I did the best or right thing given the situation and my understanding of it at the time. So what is it I am regretting? The outcome? But that's no more in my control than Hurricane Katrina or the LA Riots. Once the ball is out of my hands, the outcome of the game is as it will be. The chips fall where they may. There are a few outcomes that I truly do regret, but I knew I was going to when I made my decisions with those situations. I knew it then, and I know it it now. Leaving Virginia is one of them. But that's not the shit that's weighing on my head. That's not what's keeping me up at night.
What is, you ask? Not being able to help my friends with the situations they have been in. That and other stuff that's out of my hands. Not taking a couple of job offers that I had while still in VA. Which the reasons I didn't take them then are the same reasons that I wouldn't take them now. Two of them were just truly morally and ethically wrong, and the other required me to put up with way too much bullshit for peanuts. To clarify the two jobs that are morally and ethically wrong: one would have required me to put aside ALL of my personal beliefs, and the other would have required me to lie about a product that I was supposed to sell, which no matter how much you pay me, I am not willing to do.
I know how and why I regret the way my friendships, and some of my relationships, turned out. I know why I look back on those with some regrets. I get that. There's a couple of them that I wished I had handled differently, but in truth, on those, even if I could go back, I wouldn't truly change anything...maybe been a little more understanding, maybe been a little nicer about things. But those turned out the way they did for a reason...
This simply goes beyond wondering "what would __ have been like if __." I think there is a root to this. I have no contact with people - outside of the internet, which I hate because it's not physical, it's not real. I cannot hug Michael. I can only tell him I would give him a hug. I cannot hear Shasta giggle. (Which is actually one of my favorite sounds of all time.) I can only read that she says she is giggling. I feel very disconnected. Perhaps somewhere in my psyche (teeheehee), I am trying to recall and cling to what feels like an ever-fading physical sensation of friendship. The hugs, the touches, the smells, the tastes, the sounds, the sights - the very things through which we determine what is reality and what is dream.
The cups of 4 a.m. coffee, the taste of the French toast that DJ Faye made me when I crashed at her place, the clothes she was wearing, I can remember what her house looked like. I can't remember how to get there or why I was there. I can practically watch Shasta vibrate just before she exploded in excitement and/or giggles. The pitch and timber in Dirk's voice while reciting Shakespeare or some other work of art versus his speeches at toasts and parties. The difference between how he gave a hug and Paul gives a hug. The way Dyranny's nose would wrinkle when she'd smile versus how Autumn would always look like "the cat that ate the canary" the handful of times I got her to smile. Just to name a few examples.
Is this perhaps what I am trying to reminisce about: what I could have done to maintain these connections? The things that I could have done which would have allowed me to stay closer? Would I even recognize any of you anymore if I met you on the street? If I did, and ran up to hug you, would it be awkward, or untoward? Would my excitement to see you cause problems in a relationship I don't even know about? Things are looking fairly good from where I am sitting. With a little persistence, and the grace of God, we'll be heading back up to Virginia in a year or so. And in truth, I don't even know if half of you would still welcome my friendship. Because for many of you, I haven't spoken to you in nearly 10 years, and that's as much my fault as anyone elses. I know there's more than a couple of people out there who would like to see me dead, I also know that my excitement to see them would bubble forward so that I would hug them anyway. If they hate me that much, the connection we had was real - love or hate.
I had a nightmare not too long ago where I won the lottery and went to see all of my old friends. I even went to England to visit Psyche, and nobody knew who I was. The only people who knew who I was were my children and Sam. Aned, at the behest of Shasta, Psyche, and Pretty Gay Mike, had me committed because of my continuous claims to have known them. Paul pulled a Restraining Order out against me. Dar K Ness married Sam, while I was away, and I was left with, albeit millions of dollars, with no reason and no sanity. I went insane after I got out of the institution because I was left wondering if I had ever known any of these people or if I dreamed up my youth, and the dream ended with me sitting in an IHOP staring into a cup of coffee wondering, "I have no friends. I have no family. Now what?" Also, the only people in the dream who knew me where the ones who hated me, whether their hate was/is justified or no, they remembered me, and they definitely didn't help the situation any. Dirk even came back from the dead to testify in the sanity hearing to explain that he didn't know who I was either, that I was lying, I didn't know these people, and that I was obviously nuts. I have since stopped eating ravioli before going to bed.
I do wish I knew how everybody was doing. I was trying to reconnect while still living in Fredericksburg and mostly failed. I had seen Dirk all of twice before he tragically left this world. I do wish we could all get in touch more often. I would very much like to hear your voices again. I don't even have contact information for most of the people I am wondering about, Facebook, or otherwise. For those of you who I have offended over the years and hate or dislike me, I apologize. Maybe you can forgive enough so that when I see you again and hug you, you don't punch me in the face. For those who I have not offended and still like me, maybe you can forgive me now, for when I do see you again, I'm going to hug you and cry all over whatever pretty outfit you are wearing.
Sincerely, with love to all.