Skills AKA How Not to Fuck Up Your Clients Even Further
I regret it. I regret that I cut last night. It's too late now, of course, but ... the thing is, it didn't help. Not like it used to. Maybe, at the very least, I felt a few seconds of relief, but pretty much I was like "okay, gotta bandage this up now". Maybe, and I say this will all due hesitancy, maybe Sam sort of cured me in the way of cutting. And... last night, I was just so desperate. (Desperate for...) What was I desperate for? Love, I think. I was so distraught that the only people besides JAC and Crys that I talked to yesterday were ex-boyfriends. Some twisted, psycho- part of me wants CLS back. But I'm just a slut that way, I guess. Can't be single for too long, otherwise I start to panic. (Ten points to anyone that kills Tigger. She won't shut up!!) Panic, because to me that means that I'm not wanted. I desire, beyond all else, for acceptance. I don't know, maybe I'm too thin for that--for, and, yes, I say this, but trust me, I really don't want to debate sex right now, lol--and too thin for a guy to look at me sexually. I don't know. I just ... I wish that I could go to Renfrew, or any other treatment center where I could stay for as long as I needed to. I mean, lol, I don't WANT to go. I just am very aware that I need help. Still... love, please, in heavy doses.
My apologies to everyone for spamming their phonelines.
(Seriously! Ten points if we kill the cat.)
Due for one lonely class today. Skills. Kill me now, because I swear Everard's gone off the deep end of insanity. Clown school? I mean, seriously!! Anyway, I hope Emily will be there :).
EDIT: I reminded Emily about turning in her wellness assessment, and I like to think she was grateful, lol. Turns out (Emily has a problem where her eyes are sensitive to light) that Everard is going to give us cheat-sheets/study guides for the tests and stuff. I feel really bad about it. I mean... I'm not... I'm not stupid. I just can't hear, lol. Anyway, I left early--I think E'd wanted to talk to Everard, so I left--so I didn't get a chance to see if Emily wanted to hang out. Stupid, stupid, stupid. CLS is having a movie marathon this weekend, and I'm itching to join him, except I have a very firm feeling that he's seeing someone. Also: BOBBY. For the love of God, let's renew my Bobby fascination, okay? Geez. Anyway, so CLS likes NCIS, and it's a killer because of course it's one of my favorites (Probie, please). Anyway, umm, I feel all right, I guess. Man. I just feel like I'm spamming my friends. I mean, I feel like I'm trying to get attention. Not HEY YOU FREAKS, NOTICE ME, but more of a "I just want you to give a damn about me" kind of thing, and I'm afraid that by sending them massive amounts of emails they'll finally tell me... Stop it!!... and then I'll be alone and friendless in this cruel, sicko world. BTW: Thinking about getting laxatives at wal-mart later when i go to the library. my weight sucks. 95.2 might seem tiny-ass to you, but my thighs are not pretty. (zero bitching, please, it's a freaking eating disorder!) but idk, too. i mean, i might get them, i might not. i had some green-tea fuze at school, and green tea is a laxative, so who knows, maybe my weight'll be down tmrw. of course, 48 hour fast tmrw and saturday, so...yay? [said this earlier, but ... nobody's commenting on my xanga, and i figure i'm due for similar responses here, but w/e]
EDIT: Wow. Some people just surprise you, you know? CLS is so nice, it's almost killing me. Why can't someone just... be like Beta, or something? Tear me down, wait for me to recover, then do it again because GodOnlyKnows I've deserved it? Instead of going to the library, I ate at Target. I swear to the fuzzy lord, if I am fatter tomorrow, I am so totally fasting. It's driving me mad. Might get on the treadie tomorrow, who knows. Won't know a damned thing til I step on the scale. Anyway, I have semi-checks. I know for sure I'm seeing CDM tomorrow, so there's that. I don't feel suicidal. I just feel like I'm on the border, and that's a very dangerous place to be.... especially considering I'm not even sure WHAT border. Anyway, going to go play FarmVille now. Yes, I'm weird. We know this~.
My apologies to everyone for spamming their phonelines.
(Seriously! Ten points if we kill the cat.)
Due for one lonely class today. Skills. Kill me now, because I swear Everard's gone off the deep end of insanity. Clown school? I mean, seriously!! Anyway, I hope Emily will be there :).
EDIT: I reminded Emily about turning in her wellness assessment, and I like to think she was grateful, lol. Turns out (Emily has a problem where her eyes are sensitive to light) that Everard is going to give us cheat-sheets/study guides for the tests and stuff. I feel really bad about it. I mean... I'm not... I'm not stupid. I just can't hear, lol. Anyway, I left early--I think E'd wanted to talk to Everard, so I left--so I didn't get a chance to see if Emily wanted to hang out. Stupid, stupid, stupid. CLS is having a movie marathon this weekend, and I'm itching to join him, except I have a very firm feeling that he's seeing someone. Also: BOBBY. For the love of God, let's renew my Bobby fascination, okay? Geez. Anyway, so CLS likes NCIS, and it's a killer because of course it's one of my favorites (Probie, please). Anyway, umm, I feel all right, I guess. Man. I just feel like I'm spamming my friends. I mean, I feel like I'm trying to get attention. Not HEY YOU FREAKS, NOTICE ME, but more of a "I just want you to give a damn about me" kind of thing, and I'm afraid that by sending them massive amounts of emails they'll finally tell me... Stop it!!... and then I'll be alone and friendless in this cruel, sicko world. BTW: Thinking about getting laxatives at wal-mart later when i go to the library. my weight sucks. 95.2 might seem tiny-ass to you, but my thighs are not pretty. (zero bitching, please, it's a freaking eating disorder!) but idk, too. i mean, i might get them, i might not. i had some green-tea fuze at school, and green tea is a laxative, so who knows, maybe my weight'll be down tmrw. of course, 48 hour fast tmrw and saturday, so...yay? [said this earlier, but ... nobody's commenting on my xanga, and i figure i'm due for similar responses here, but w/e]
EDIT: Wow. Some people just surprise you, you know? CLS is so nice, it's almost killing me. Why can't someone just... be like Beta, or something? Tear me down, wait for me to recover, then do it again because GodOnlyKnows I've deserved it? Instead of going to the library, I ate at Target. I swear to the fuzzy lord, if I am fatter tomorrow, I am so totally fasting. It's driving me mad. Might get on the treadie tomorrow, who knows. Won't know a damned thing til I step on the scale. Anyway, I have semi-checks. I know for sure I'm seeing CDM tomorrow, so there's that. I don't feel suicidal. I just feel like I'm on the border, and that's a very dangerous place to be.... especially considering I'm not even sure WHAT border. Anyway, going to go play FarmVille now. Yes, I'm weird. We know this~.