i dont expect anyone to read all of this...

[monotonewings]

.....i woke up at 8 44. for the first 5 seconds of waking i didnt kno who i was where i was what dept i had to sosiaty... what a blissful feeling... to be completly ignorant or your surroundings, just on the edge of existing... then i reluctantly comprehended the significance of 844. ive slept my afternoon away with homework still to do, a shower to take and no will power to do anything. thinking hurts me at the moment. im tired, cold, worn, at a dead end hoping for a shining light to fall on my fucking lap anad we all kno that lights just going to blow in my face. i'm sitting at the kitchen laptop to write this yet again, my parents are sitting in the room next to me, theyre lives ingulfed in what just happend in Survivior.... i hope i never get like that... they still wont tell me y im grounded, i just kno to them im "too hard to handle, and impossible to get along with at the moment." hold on... let me think a second... i dont do drugs, ive never gotten drunk and the majority of the time i drink im with them, i get a's and b's, im going to collage, im a vergin and i like to dance, exercise and volenteer at a horse barn in my free time... I SOUND LIKE THE FUCKING POSTER CHILD OF AMERICA. i wear black a lot, i like all musick including the non mainstream non conformative and i'm a wiccan, those are the only 3 "weird" things about me. just b/c im an open minded person means i'm "hard to handle" now??? gee thanx mom and dad but u were the ones who rased me to never judge anyone and to be an independant person... look where that got me... now im being disiplind for going to a site that advertises "fuck the mainstream" clothing. im coughing my brains out, i seriouslu cant take a breath with out hacking up a lung, it feels like im swallowing glass... my brains not functioning the speediest and it sounds like im in a gient bubble... wow... im staring at the wall wondering what the fucking im doing... am i really living? is this life...? is this how my days are gonna be for the rest of my waking years? wake up go to school/work come home, work on the problems of my life, call a couple ppl go to sleep? we have a lot to look forward to guys... god i cant wait till im on my own and i get to pay all those bills and keep that shity job and have a fucking baby come out of my vagina screaming and crying... im excited, can i tell you... in langwage arts i was writing a poem and realized something... 80% of the time i'm thinking of the same fucking thing, and 75% of that 80% the thing im thinking of isnt even reality... its just what i hope to happen, i live in this pathetic obbsessive bubble of fantisy... i guess its just ezer to ezist like that... i guess its a symptom of that disorder i had a therapyst tattoo on my forehead "obsessuve personality disorder"... i feel bad for my victoms, i stalk then suck the life out of them, its better when its a celebrity i guess, its a problem when its a real person. my first one was Zac Carpenter...i really pic the winners dont i? y do i think like i do??? y dont i get over shit like normal ppl, i dont understand it... there has to be some fucking pill i could shove down my throwt to take the effects of opd away... it would make my life and my victom's lifes a lot ezer... god i'm fucked up... i a too hard to handle arnt i mommy?? i'm sorry.... i never ment to hurt you i promis... i'm sorry i'm fucked up really... i am, i wish i could be perfect and never complain and take home guys who dont smoke and do drugs, who dress nicely... but i dont and i never will... so you have to live with it... or hide from it like daddy does... he just goes into his office or golfs, get a hobbie like bad mitten or sumthing insted of being stuck here to take care of my sorry ass... ooo fuck... i feel like shit... my nose is doing that thing where i cant breath out of my right nostril... i hate that... more then i hate vinigar... and thats a lot... o look im rambling again... o well i dont think anyones reading this anyway... that or fathers blocked my emails from my livejournal which could be very tru as well... hmm. well im going to go i have nothing interesting to say. more sleep sounds good, sleep is the best thing man can ever do, you cant hurt anyone in sleep, no one can really hurt you, you forget who you are, what you look like... yes sleep sounds like the perfect thing right now... infact a permanent sleep sounds great... the one everyone fears but slightly wishes to kno... but now my faith's fucked me over on that one... wiccans beleve in reincarnation... hopfully i'll pop out as a turtle or sumthing.

~violet fuck yous...

needles...