Meltdown
Sometimes I wish I could just crawl into a hole and never come out again. Ironically enough I feel like I'm in a dark tunnel and I can't see the light at the end. Almost as if it goes on forever. I still feel like it is all my fault that they are gone. Well maybe not all but I can't help but feel like if I hadn't been here they would still be. They were happy when they were here. Someone took the light away. It is just dark now. I dream a million different ways in which they could come back. Hate to steal from Buffy but it is close enough. I feel like Spike. "But I want you to know I did save you. Not when it counted, of course, but after that. Every night after that. I'd see it all again, and do something different. Faster, or more clever, you know? Dozens of times, lots of different ways. Every night, I save you."
I broke my promise because I didn't make them come back. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you hurt so much. I'm sorry they hurt now because they are not with you. Life isn't fair. It takes and takes and takes. It sucks you dry until there is nothing left. I don't even feel like I have a purpose. If you don't do something in your life good. If you can't change something that is wrong or at least stand up for it and try to make a difference than what is the point? I don't try hard enough. If I were stronger than bad people wouldn't have used me to take them away from you. I was everyone's pawn in this horribly twisted game. My mother should have bashed my head in with a rock when I was born. Instead she twisted my insides until I became what I am.
I killed the one thing I wanted most in my life. I think I am being punished for it still. I don't think I get a second chance. I was selfish. I am selfish. That is why I don't think I get a second chance. All I can do is think of that dream where my mother asks how many?
Someone please switch my off button now.
Only posting here because I can't blog right now.