"Damn that Jacob Marley...and that bottle of Champaign!"
I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, etc. My sister is coming up from Des Moines to celebrate. Dad and I are going to the hospital to have Christmas Eve dinner with my mum. After that...I don’t know. We’re then going to a shortened morning service because my church rocks at the amount of liberalism.
So now, I leave you with HILARIOUS quotes from “The Reduced Shakespeare Company: Shakespeare Abridged.”
[Reed is explaining why they can't perform Othello, which was written for a black actor]
Reed Martin: We're racially challenged.
Gertrude: Oh no! I am poisoned!
[Gertrude proceeds to vomit over various audience members]
Hamlet: It is I, Omelette the Cheese Danish!
Austin Tichenor: And now, I'd like to help set the scene a little bit for what is quite possibly the greatest play ever written in the history of the English language...HAMLET! Prince of Denmark! The place... Denmark! The time... A very long time ago! Two guards on the battlements of the Castle Elsinore meet...
[Exits... Waits for the guards to go onstage]
Guard: [whining backstage] I don't wanna do this stupid play!
Adam Long: Alright, we're going to go through Hamlet again very quickly. But before we do, I just want to say a quick warning. Okay, we're going to be moving very quickly this time, and there are falls that we take, there are props that we send flying back and forth across the stage, and I know we make it look easy, but it's very difficult. Remember, we are trained professionals.
Omnes: Do not try this at home!
Adam Long: Yeah, go over to a friend's house. It's much safer...
Juliet: What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name could still smell.
Father Laurence: Take of this vial and drink, and soon shalt thou feel a cold and drowsy humor running through thy veins.
[Juliet drinks from the vial]
Juliet: Oh, I feel a cold and drowsy humor running through my veins, Obi-Wan.
Father Laurence: Told you so.
Juliet: Gak! Cough! Gasp!
[Juliet proceeds to vomit over various audience members]
Cleopatra: Is this an asp I see before me? Oh no!
[Cleopatra proceeds to vomit over various audience members]
Ophelia: Oh... Feeling a little nauseous...
[Ophelia proceeds to vomit over various audience members]
Laertes: Hamlet comes back; What shall I...
Ophelia: Wait, Reed, before you go on, what's the next scene with Ophelia?
Laertes: There are no more scenes with Ophelia.
Ophelia: No, man, I'm up for it.
Laertes: There aren't any. That's all Shakespeare wrote.
Ophelia: Well what happens to her?
Laertes: She drowns.
Ophelia: ...Okay, cool!
[Ophelia runs offstage]
Laertes: I'll anoint my sword with such an...
[Ophelia runs back onstage with a cup of water]
Ophelia: Here I go!
Laertes: No...
[Ophelia splashes the water in her face]
Ophelia: AAAAAAAH!
[Ophelia collapses, dies, gets up, takes a bow, and runs offstage]
[during the audience-participation sequence]
Reed Martin: Alright, very good, excellent... Hey, you, third one in... What's your deal? Everybody's doing great; "MAYBE, MAYBE NOT! MAYBE, MAYBE NOT!" Here's him.
[Reed slumps like a propped up corpse]
Adam Long: "Does not play well with other children."
Reed Martin: You know what that means, don't you Bob? That means you have to do it...
The Reduced Shakespeare Company: All by yourself!
Austin Tichenor: They're laughing at me!
Adam Long: No, no. They're laughing WITH you.
Austin Tichenor: [pointing to an audience member] No, that guy, right there, was laughing AT me!
[Adam, as Cleopatra, has begun "vomiting" on people]
Reed Martin: You've got this really bizarre notion that all of Shakespeare's tragic heroines wear these really ugly wigs, and vomit on people before they die!
Adam Long: It's an interpretation!
[Adam doesn't want to take part in "Hamlet"]
Reed Martin: The play is called "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare".
Adam Long: Then we'll change the name. We'll call it "The Complete Works of Shakespeare Except Hamlet".
[Adam is fighting doing Hamlet, and has stolen an audience member's purse]
Reed, Austin: Adam! Give that back!
[Both rip the bag out of his hand]
Adam Long: What? Is it wrong to take somebody's bag now?
Reed Martin: YES!
Adam Long: I can't do anything right with you two! Why don't you just take away my birthday!
Reed, Austin: What?
Adam Long: I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill your whole family.
Adam Long: I'll do it. I swear to god I'll kill the cameraman.
Austin Tichenor: I don't care! We have five other cameramen; I don't care!
The Reduced Shakespeare Company: Cut the crap, Hamlet! My biological clock is ticking, and I want babies NOW!
Adam Long: It's a metaphor... wrapped in an allegory.
Adam Long: Shakespeare didn't write Hamlet, did he?
[about "Hamlet"]
Adam Long: It's a Mel Gibson movie!
Austin Tichenor: Yeah, but it's based on the play.
So now, I leave you with HILARIOUS quotes from “The Reduced Shakespeare Company: Shakespeare Abridged.”
[Reed is explaining why they can't perform Othello, which was written for a black actor]
Reed Martin: We're racially challenged.
Gertrude: Oh no! I am poisoned!
[Gertrude proceeds to vomit over various audience members]
Hamlet: It is I, Omelette the Cheese Danish!
Austin Tichenor: And now, I'd like to help set the scene a little bit for what is quite possibly the greatest play ever written in the history of the English language...HAMLET! Prince of Denmark! The place... Denmark! The time... A very long time ago! Two guards on the battlements of the Castle Elsinore meet...
[Exits... Waits for the guards to go onstage]
Guard: [whining backstage] I don't wanna do this stupid play!
Adam Long: Alright, we're going to go through Hamlet again very quickly. But before we do, I just want to say a quick warning. Okay, we're going to be moving very quickly this time, and there are falls that we take, there are props that we send flying back and forth across the stage, and I know we make it look easy, but it's very difficult. Remember, we are trained professionals.
Omnes: Do not try this at home!
Adam Long: Yeah, go over to a friend's house. It's much safer...
Juliet: What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name could still smell.
Father Laurence: Take of this vial and drink, and soon shalt thou feel a cold and drowsy humor running through thy veins.
[Juliet drinks from the vial]
Juliet: Oh, I feel a cold and drowsy humor running through my veins, Obi-Wan.
Father Laurence: Told you so.
Juliet: Gak! Cough! Gasp!
[Juliet proceeds to vomit over various audience members]
Cleopatra: Is this an asp I see before me? Oh no!
[Cleopatra proceeds to vomit over various audience members]
Ophelia: Oh... Feeling a little nauseous...
[Ophelia proceeds to vomit over various audience members]
Laertes: Hamlet comes back; What shall I...
Ophelia: Wait, Reed, before you go on, what's the next scene with Ophelia?
Laertes: There are no more scenes with Ophelia.
Ophelia: No, man, I'm up for it.
Laertes: There aren't any. That's all Shakespeare wrote.
Ophelia: Well what happens to her?
Laertes: She drowns.
Ophelia: ...Okay, cool!
[Ophelia runs offstage]
Laertes: I'll anoint my sword with such an...
[Ophelia runs back onstage with a cup of water]
Ophelia: Here I go!
Laertes: No...
[Ophelia splashes the water in her face]
Ophelia: AAAAAAAH!
[Ophelia collapses, dies, gets up, takes a bow, and runs offstage]
[during the audience-participation sequence]
Reed Martin: Alright, very good, excellent... Hey, you, third one in... What's your deal? Everybody's doing great; "MAYBE, MAYBE NOT! MAYBE, MAYBE NOT!" Here's him.
[Reed slumps like a propped up corpse]
Adam Long: "Does not play well with other children."
Reed Martin: You know what that means, don't you Bob? That means you have to do it...
The Reduced Shakespeare Company: All by yourself!
Austin Tichenor: They're laughing at me!
Adam Long: No, no. They're laughing WITH you.
Austin Tichenor: [pointing to an audience member] No, that guy, right there, was laughing AT me!
[Adam, as Cleopatra, has begun "vomiting" on people]
Reed Martin: You've got this really bizarre notion that all of Shakespeare's tragic heroines wear these really ugly wigs, and vomit on people before they die!
Adam Long: It's an interpretation!
[Adam doesn't want to take part in "Hamlet"]
Reed Martin: The play is called "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare".
Adam Long: Then we'll change the name. We'll call it "The Complete Works of Shakespeare Except Hamlet".
[Adam is fighting doing Hamlet, and has stolen an audience member's purse]
Reed, Austin: Adam! Give that back!
[Both rip the bag out of his hand]
Adam Long: What? Is it wrong to take somebody's bag now?
Reed Martin: YES!
Adam Long: I can't do anything right with you two! Why don't you just take away my birthday!
Reed, Austin: What?
Adam Long: I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill your whole family.
Adam Long: I'll do it. I swear to god I'll kill the cameraman.
Austin Tichenor: I don't care! We have five other cameramen; I don't care!
The Reduced Shakespeare Company: Cut the crap, Hamlet! My biological clock is ticking, and I want babies NOW!
Adam Long: It's a metaphor... wrapped in an allegory.
Adam Long: Shakespeare didn't write Hamlet, did he?
[about "Hamlet"]
Adam Long: It's a Mel Gibson movie!
Austin Tichenor: Yeah, but it's based on the play.