The Princess and the Loner
The last entry I wrote was in 2009.
Then:
At 23 years old, living from place to place, mostly single. Obsessed with and dating on and off my online bipolar, narcissist boyfriend. I was becoming a woman but very much a girl. I was living with my Auntie Rose in a small 2 bedroom apartment in SF Tenderloin district (sharing a room with 3 strangers), and lived out of a suitcase. I then moved to rooms in Pacifica and Daly City. I went out with my friend LinZ a lot to hipster restaurants around the city. Karla and me had drifted apart because she was only focused on her nursing career... I needed someone because I was so alone. So I replaced that "best friend" with another girl at Sears. That relationship tanked. I was going through so much and had little to no emotional support. I was not on speaking terms with my mother or father because he stole my identity. I dated douchebags. I was so desperately in need of attention.
I definitely had my cocky moments. I wish I could get a little bit of that back. I worked 2 jobs and yet still had a social life. I lived in 4 different places between 21-23 years old. I felt so lost.
If someone told me then that it would be less than a year before I met the man I was going to lose my virginity to, marry and have children with... I would believe it. I was a hopeless romantic with my head in the clouds. That was part of who I was. Now I feel like that part of me is lost and I am mourning her. I am trying to get her back but its so hard. I feel so bitter and morose. When I was young I could never admit it to myself but I was a princess, waiting for her prince charming. It was part of what defined my character... Sailormoon and Disney Princesses with all their sweetness and loving. Then there was the fact that I loved anime and I was just such a dork. Add of course Daria, the outcast that I felt like i was... my personality was all screwed up with the duality of the Princess and the Loner.
At and around 23 I had so much shit happen and yet it was not the worst period in my life. Though i was depressed and had contemplated suicide so many times, I always acknowledged I was always too much of a pussy to do it. I always feared I would fuck it up somehow and get paralyzed or live life as a vegetable and be a burden on my family.