Life may be kicking me in the ass but the real bitch is love
My head hurts....great day though. *sighs* I do not even know why I feel like blogging. I guess it is because I have nothing better to do. I mean life has been very much eventful and dramatic lately. Everything from thinking that I was going to loose my job because I didnt kiss this one jerks ass at work to the identity theft I am currently undergoing... to the the realization I have now that the more I procrastinate and the more I let things happen to me without doing something about it the more unhappy I will be.
I have so many regrets I could name. My love life being the most impactful because although I have more serious problems to go on about the problems that hurt me the most are the ones that inflict my heart. I need to realize that most of the men that I cared/care about were pretty much men of fantasy and they really were just out to get some.
There was Dan then Tyrel...online bfs that just wanted my 18 year old dumbass to give them what they wanted.
And then there was the guys that were more upfront (Miguel and Stephen) but due to the fact that I was closer to innocent then then I am now I tried to convince myself that I was woman enough to be able to have the kind of relationship that involved no commitment (not that we ever had sex but there was definitely some PG13 with one and R for the other)....I found out after years of trial and error that I am not that kind of woman. Im far too emotional. I even tried it out so recently as 2007 with a guy named Edwin who I honestly do not know if he liked me or not.
Edwin had a girlfriend he was trying to break up with. He had a bad relationship with his father and ended up having to move out before he was financially equipped to deal with life and all that it threw at you. His gf paid his way and gave him a lot of shit for it. He admitted it was a relationship that made him very unhappy though he continued to go through with it.. He felt indebted. I dont know just how much of what we had was bs and how much was real but he slowly started to pull away from his gf and start to woo me. I guess though that that is how it is when u meet your "other woman." Later he went back to her and I meant nothing to him... I say that because he practically disappeared off the face of the planet and although since then has tried to call me a few times I just ignore him...its not worth it. I know in the end he just wanted attention that he wasnt getting from her and all i would ever be seen as was a potential booty call...(we never got that far).
Like Edwin who was in a miserable relationship that he will probably end up in for the rest of his life there is my ex, Boone, who I believe now to be my first real love...seeing as that I have not yet stopped loving him. I cannot say I like him though...its complicated. But for about 4-5 years we were in an on and off relationship mostly via internet.It was convenient for the both of us for a time. It kept him chaste when he was going through his mormon phase, i wasnt too clingy (i mean how could you be when you live hundreds of miles away), he was always the type to screw up his priorities so I always became last on the list but because he was so far and I was so naive I constantly let it go thinking to myself maybe he really is THAT busy. But I am going off on a tangent....
Boone met an older women about a year back ago. She seemed to be everything and more to him from the start. Actually the start which he neglects to bring up is the fact that he all but called her a slut...or maybe he did when he first started going on about her. But I guess since then his feelings have changed. I went out to Yuma last November thinking just maybe every question I had about "us" would be solved. He cheated on his gf with me and admitted he didnt feel bad. I felt bad for what I did but I figured there relationship was in its final stages. Now I realize that the confusion act he put up was just a front to make him feel better...he always did enjoy lying to himself in order to live with himself. Ultimately his facade confused me too and in the end he always chose convenience because he was too lazy to ever try to make anything work. I still question= Lazy or heartless? And like Ediwn he "he just wanted attention that he wasnt getting from her and all i would ever be seen as was a potential booty call," nothing more.
Like always Boone's line about not wanting to be an relationship was BS...he always jumped right into one. I guess you could say I always saw right through him but like every other woman to my detriment I always thought that maybe I could help/save him and that maybe one day he would actually fall in love with me and be good to me...and be my best friend. Sadly his mother kept urging me on and kept me hoping that he would change back to the happy-go-lucky man I had first met and that he was a good guy. I could say it was her fault for the reasons I fell back in love with him bc I always saw her as a person that was endlessly forgiving now I just see that although that may be true she will always be rooting for him no matter how horrible or tainted by humanity he has become. I just have to remember not to fall into his trap or his mothers which although she does not set on purpose i tend to fall into because she is her sons mother. I see where the 2 are similar. You want to believe them because they are so convincing and the reason they are so is because they have convinced themselves that what they say is fact. When they talk of certain things I will roll my eyes. If he talks about knowing love I will roll my eyes... If she talks about how her son is going to break up with his future wife or how she thinks he is finally coming around I will roll my eyes again.
The only man that has made me feel consistantly good is David. He means so much to me. He is my best friend (well there is Karla too but that is a sisterly love that I wont get into)...But sometimes I wonder if it is realistic to wait... not that I am going to look either so I am just bitching about how nothing works out I guess. I guess what I am saying also is that fairytales end and although our relationship isn't perfect I wonder how much of this faerytale is fantasy and how much is reality. I want to wait. He really loves me and I really have grown to love him so much more than I had ever thought. I dont know what I would do without him. I just wish I were always convinced that things will work out for the best. Life works itself out on its own but love is definitely an entity that decided not to bestow its good graces on me... I end up with unrequited ...Loves bitter twin sister.
I think to myself "what if I get hit by a car or a meteor or something?" What a wasted life I would have ended up leading. I havent given my contribution to humanity or made my mark in this world....Idk I just feel like relationship-wise I may never end up with anyone and the one guy that would treat me right is on the other side of the country and we may never meet.