Religion Rationailation and Me
I should stop being so scared of everything. On that note I have something to say that might sound strange. Last night after to talking to Boone about religion for an hour and asking him questions about his faith I came to realize that I never really had a conversation with God. When I asked him for help and admittedly I do not ask enough I talk TO him not WITH him.
When i realized this I cried. I don't know why but it hurt a little to feel so much like all this time I had been treating God like more of a wall. And as Boone said "not a father but your ruler." I admit though that I don't treat my own father with much respect either. *sighs* But yeah back to the point...
I also realized I was scared to even try to talk to him. I was scared that if I tried and he did not respond I would feel like I really was alone. I mean I cannot compare my lack of ESP to my lack of spirituality and make it seem all that credible but I suppose it was sort of that thought that made me feel like God would not hear me. I know that sounds ridiculous but I cannot explain why I feel that way. Like I wasnt strong enough or talented enough or good enough for God to talk to me.
"God does things in mysterious ways." Yes we hear that all the time. Maybe Boone was there to help me in this case; to find the light again. If we were all destined to meet the ones we have met than they are serving a purpose. A purpose we may not be able to see fully but a purpose nonetheless.
I talked to God last night. And this time I felt him there at my shoulder. I felt light hearted and relaxed.
Boone once told me not to better myself for him. Another friend told me to stop being so indecisive because having someone make your decisions for you usually in the end will turn out with you regretting. And Mel told me today to explore my options religion-wise and not just go with something because someone wants me to. I figure I rubbed her the wrong way because she thinks I am going into this for all the wrong reasons. I havent. I am just thinking about it. And I know that in order to be in any religion you have to honestly want it for the right reasons because if you dont than you are not being true to your heart.
They all have their points, that is not to say that they are all right about my feelings and yet to defend myself here. I have not changed my being for anyone up until this point, why would I start now? I'm interested in Mormonism and yes I will admit it is because of Boone but that does not mean that I am traveling down the wrong path. It doesn't mean that if I feel one day that it isn't for me that I am going to ignore that feeling. I'm going to look it up and right now I have my doubts about converting and even confusion all together about what is right for me but I wont let it hault me from my future and my decisions to explore.
In Yuma I went to one of the sacrament meetings and the new members class and then this special group meeting adjoining all of the members. I enjoyed it for the most part. You come to realize that you should look at a group as a whole and then individually to see the full spectrum of sorts. I spent 3 hours with a group of people that were not of the same religion but I came to realize that some of my values they share as well. Mormonism...at least what I have learned so far about their values...isnt all that different from my beliefs and that of the Caholic churches...not only do they have similar positive aspects but they do have the negative as well just like any other religion. A lot of the Catholic and Christian beliefs are similar enough for us to understand each others standpoints.
I admire about the LDS is how everyone is involved and knows one another. I admire that because I have come to realize that I do want to be a people person, i do want to get back into my faith...or rather in this case closer to God. It would be a positive change in my life and for me lately I need that because family life right now has caused me to drift farther and farther from happiness. Maybe I will talk about that in another entry but this more than enough for now. Until next time...
When i realized this I cried. I don't know why but it hurt a little to feel so much like all this time I had been treating God like more of a wall. And as Boone said "not a father but your ruler." I admit though that I don't treat my own father with much respect either. *sighs* But yeah back to the point...
I also realized I was scared to even try to talk to him. I was scared that if I tried and he did not respond I would feel like I really was alone. I mean I cannot compare my lack of ESP to my lack of spirituality and make it seem all that credible but I suppose it was sort of that thought that made me feel like God would not hear me. I know that sounds ridiculous but I cannot explain why I feel that way. Like I wasnt strong enough or talented enough or good enough for God to talk to me.
"God does things in mysterious ways." Yes we hear that all the time. Maybe Boone was there to help me in this case; to find the light again. If we were all destined to meet the ones we have met than they are serving a purpose. A purpose we may not be able to see fully but a purpose nonetheless.
I talked to God last night. And this time I felt him there at my shoulder. I felt light hearted and relaxed.
Boone once told me not to better myself for him. Another friend told me to stop being so indecisive because having someone make your decisions for you usually in the end will turn out with you regretting. And Mel told me today to explore my options religion-wise and not just go with something because someone wants me to. I figure I rubbed her the wrong way because she thinks I am going into this for all the wrong reasons. I havent. I am just thinking about it. And I know that in order to be in any religion you have to honestly want it for the right reasons because if you dont than you are not being true to your heart.
They all have their points, that is not to say that they are all right about my feelings and yet to defend myself here. I have not changed my being for anyone up until this point, why would I start now? I'm interested in Mormonism and yes I will admit it is because of Boone but that does not mean that I am traveling down the wrong path. It doesn't mean that if I feel one day that it isn't for me that I am going to ignore that feeling. I'm going to look it up and right now I have my doubts about converting and even confusion all together about what is right for me but I wont let it hault me from my future and my decisions to explore.
In Yuma I went to one of the sacrament meetings and the new members class and then this special group meeting adjoining all of the members. I enjoyed it for the most part. You come to realize that you should look at a group as a whole and then individually to see the full spectrum of sorts. I spent 3 hours with a group of people that were not of the same religion but I came to realize that some of my values they share as well. Mormonism...at least what I have learned so far about their values...isnt all that different from my beliefs and that of the Caholic churches...not only do they have similar positive aspects but they do have the negative as well just like any other religion. A lot of the Catholic and Christian beliefs are similar enough for us to understand each others standpoints.
I admire about the LDS is how everyone is involved and knows one another. I admire that because I have come to realize that I do want to be a people person, i do want to get back into my faith...or rather in this case closer to God. It would be a positive change in my life and for me lately I need that because family life right now has caused me to drift farther and farther from happiness. Maybe I will talk about that in another entry but this more than enough for now. Until next time...