Live life until I'm dead.
Sitting in coffee shops at 1am, drinking coffee, smiling because you know you can. At this moment, your priorities are none. To live. Is that truly a "priority", though?
I'm so happy. And I'm happy to be happy. It's amazing how the cliche "the truth will set you free" has defined my life completely. I'm adopting it as my own personal motto. It's good to fly again, to have clean wings in clean air with a clean heart and mind. I'm still bothered the very few times that I think about the things that I shouldn't be thinking about.
How could I have done those things? It's not like me! It's never been like me. Generally, I blame the alcohol and its effect on my medication and my mind, but it was still me. I still did the things that I did, and as much as I'd like to show the one person who I love more than anything; the one person I hurt more than anyone, that I'm so sorry and would love to make it up to him, I still hold tight onto the fact that I must live now and let the consequences take their toll. How else might I learn anyway? From guilt? Perhaps, but that's an extremely negative approach on it, and I'd rather I ACCEPTED the responsibilities of my actions rather than dwelling on them. I don't think I've ever been so happy; been so.... me. I feel more comfortable being me than I ever have. And I feel more comfortable knowing that I am completely unavailable emotionally and have nothing more to give than friendship and my mere presence. So far, people seem completely satisfied, and understanding, with just that. Then, when I'm ready, it'll be a second chance to prove my worth as a caring and loving partner and lover. I will love myself enough to allow others to love me and share my compassion by loving them.
God, that sounds so stupid and cheesy, but that's honestly how I feel. It could be a while until I fully LOVE myself, but that's a wait that I'm looking forward to.
Tonight I hung out with some old friends, old drinking buddies, and even a new member of the Portland group, Erin. I had a fucking blast, and Erin seemed more than happy to see me hanging out and being social. I missed them and now that I'm past the "must-be-willful-not-to-drink" stage, I can comfortably hang out with my friends and be pleasant while enjoying their pleasant company as well. It's exciting.
I've even been so happy that my demeanor at work is even ecstatic. People see it, and I can be my goofy, hyper, talking-too-much self again.
I can breathe again.
I can hope for the best and put forth all of my effort to achieve anything I please.
And now I'm going to smoke....
Anyway, I'm comfortable in the silence and in crowds (well, sometimes) and just hanging out with a few friends. It's delightful.
I'm disappointed that all that's gone on had to go on for me to get to this point and that I've had to lose someone I love very much, but it's something that happens, I guess, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, except focus on what I can do to improve myself and be true to myself and future aquaintances, friends and even lovers.
I've been attracting great people lately, and the amount of good energy surrounding me is overwhelming, but well invited. I hope it keeps rolling in and stays for a while.
I'm so happy. And I'm happy to be happy. It's amazing how the cliche "the truth will set you free" has defined my life completely. I'm adopting it as my own personal motto. It's good to fly again, to have clean wings in clean air with a clean heart and mind. I'm still bothered the very few times that I think about the things that I shouldn't be thinking about.
How could I have done those things? It's not like me! It's never been like me. Generally, I blame the alcohol and its effect on my medication and my mind, but it was still me. I still did the things that I did, and as much as I'd like to show the one person who I love more than anything; the one person I hurt more than anyone, that I'm so sorry and would love to make it up to him, I still hold tight onto the fact that I must live now and let the consequences take their toll. How else might I learn anyway? From guilt? Perhaps, but that's an extremely negative approach on it, and I'd rather I ACCEPTED the responsibilities of my actions rather than dwelling on them. I don't think I've ever been so happy; been so.... me. I feel more comfortable being me than I ever have. And I feel more comfortable knowing that I am completely unavailable emotionally and have nothing more to give than friendship and my mere presence. So far, people seem completely satisfied, and understanding, with just that. Then, when I'm ready, it'll be a second chance to prove my worth as a caring and loving partner and lover. I will love myself enough to allow others to love me and share my compassion by loving them.
God, that sounds so stupid and cheesy, but that's honestly how I feel. It could be a while until I fully LOVE myself, but that's a wait that I'm looking forward to.
Tonight I hung out with some old friends, old drinking buddies, and even a new member of the Portland group, Erin. I had a fucking blast, and Erin seemed more than happy to see me hanging out and being social. I missed them and now that I'm past the "must-be-willful-not-to-drink" stage, I can comfortably hang out with my friends and be pleasant while enjoying their pleasant company as well. It's exciting.
I've even been so happy that my demeanor at work is even ecstatic. People see it, and I can be my goofy, hyper, talking-too-much self again.
I can breathe again.
I can hope for the best and put forth all of my effort to achieve anything I please.
And now I'm going to smoke....
Anyway, I'm comfortable in the silence and in crowds (well, sometimes) and just hanging out with a few friends. It's delightful.
I'm disappointed that all that's gone on had to go on for me to get to this point and that I've had to lose someone I love very much, but it's something that happens, I guess, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, except focus on what I can do to improve myself and be true to myself and future aquaintances, friends and even lovers.
I've been attracting great people lately, and the amount of good energy surrounding me is overwhelming, but well invited. I hope it keeps rolling in and stays for a while.