(no subject)
Just keep moving. Tap your feet, clap your hands, push your back against the wall and rock forward, that’s what it’s all about. Anything to keep you here, focusing on moving. That way, you’re not crying and you’re not flying off to that fantasy land where everything is perfect and you can have anything and everyone you want. Stay here, in reality, just not here. Anywhere but here or there, just here, in reality. Keep moving.
Turn the music up loud. Not too loud, just loud enough to let the entire neighborhood hear the guitar chords, that way, they can’t hear you when you start to lose it. Don’t let yourself lose it, just bite your lip and keep moving. Any sound is a sign of weakness, any tear that rolls down your face means you’re letting them win, means that you’re losing. Stay away from the crying and more importantly, stay away from the actress, from the ongoing play in your head, where you’re the star and whatever you want to happen, happens. Just focus on moving, that’s where you need to be. Moving.
Throw a few things that you know will break just to satisfy that destructive taste bud. Throw anything that is weaker than yourself, anything that is more vulnerable and easier to break than yourself. Keep moving and stay away from the stage lights.
Listen to the words Chris Martin sings, but not too closely. Hear them, but don’t listen. You know those lyrics are going to make you lose it, and right now, you’re winning this battle. You can be a winner at this, even if you’re mediocre at everything else you do. You can win at shutting out the shit in your brain, at least for right now.
Put on some ratty clothes so that you can feel as if you’re dressed in something less worthless than yourself, anything that makes you feel better than it. Stay away from crying, dreaming, and acknowledging how much you’re really worth. Just keep moving, tap your feet, clap your hands.
In the back of your mind, think about how all you want to soothe you right now is someone that you can call to come hold you, and mean it the way you want it meant. Someone to come be your knight in shining armor, your protector, your savior. He could ride up on his white horse and hold you and kiss you and make you feel the way you want to feel. Anyone to care about you enough to do that. As much as you like to tell yourself that you’re an open person, you have to admit that what you do best isn’t your sport, isn’t your intelligence, isn’t your art - it’s the fact that you can control your emotions to the point where you can shut yourself out, just keep moving.