FIC/ JongHyun/Key- Silent Tears that Hurt - oneshot
It’s been a while since I last seen you cry. You never cried before, unless we won 1st place or a golden disc. It’s terrifying to see you cry because of sorrow and not of joy. Especially when it’s my fault. It’s me who brought you sorrow itsn’t it? It’s me who made you sad and cry…
Of course it’s me, because every time you would look at me I was too busy with other things than noticing that sparkle in your eyes. I was too concerned about others than seeing the pain and disappoint in them as you turned around after i didn’t pay attention. Now those eyes are red, wet, sore. I’m noticing now… but now it’s too late.
With my head hung down i take small steps toward you. You sense it, you always do, and your body suddenly tenses up; your hands quickly want to clean your face from those tears. And soon enough those salty drops disappear from your red face, but I have already seen them. It’s too late, Key.
I took a seat next to you and you turn around showing a fake smile and a bright face. It’s all a lie; it has been a lie for the last four weeks, I know it better than anyone. But i don’t return your smile, even if it’s fake, I can’t. For now I just want to hug you, to tell you I’m sorry, that things will be better, even if they wont. I want to protect you.
I let my hand touch your back slowly. You frown, faking confusion and surprise when in truth you’re dying on the inside, just like me. Why Key? Why are we like this? My arm slowly surrounds your shoulders and soon my hand reached yours. I gently pull into a hug. You keep the silence around. I’m just too sorry to speak.
I let my head on your shoulder, you froze. I’m so sorry, Key! You don’t even know. I feel tears escaping my eyes. How did I end up crying?! I only hugged you… why does it hurts so much? As you tremble again I know you’re crying once again. I can feel tears on my own neck, and once again you’re crying because of me… Why don’t you hit me for it, Key?
Key…
I gently pat your back in addiction to calm you down. I hush silently into your ear. But it’s like you start even harder and you clench tightly on my shirt. Just hit me, let your anger out. But you don’t… Why is this feeling burning and killing me like this? What is this feeling?
As I take a deep breath with your scent I pass a hand through your smooth hair.
I’m sorry…
“Shh… it’s okay! Calm down, please….” I murmur so slowly that I barely hear myself. “Key, please stop this… you’re going sick if your don’t!” I tell you with pain inside my chest. I part away from you and take your face between my hands. It’s so silky and small, so cute, handsome but cuter than that.
I stare straight into your red, wet eyes. You look so hurt Key, why are you doing this? Why are you crying… You keep avoiding my eyes and, as you place your hands around my wrists, I know you want me to let you go. But I can’t Key. I can’t anymore… It’s killing me. Because of me…
“Look at me!”I beg holding even tighter your head. When your raise your eyes, your breath is shaking. “I’m sorry, Key! I’m so sorry for everything! If I would have just….”but I can’t finish because I feel like I’m chocking. It hurt Key.
“You don’t have to apologize over something it’s not your fault!” you manage to speak in a slow voice and for the first time your voice isn’t as sweet and cheerful as I know it. It’s sad, pained.
It is my fault…
“I just hope you’ll be happy! If she makes you happy then everything is perfect!” you show a fake faded smile and pull apart of me. My hands doesn’t reaches you anymore… they are fading on the mattress stroking slowly the material. A sigh…
“You don’t worry over me, JongHyun… it’s just that I’m still in shock. It’s not pleasant to find out from the papers that you have someone… I’m your best friend! You didn’t tell me…”
“I was unsure… I didn’t even knew if this will last,” I reply you because I feel this huge need to tell you, to explain what happened. I don’t want you to think at me with hate, I don’t Key…
“But you should have told us. We’re SHINee, we’re a family…” Key, why do these words hurt? Why? For me it’s not just a family, for me it’s…. “It’s okay, really. Just let me accommodate with this… “and you once again wipe the tears away from your face. “Next time just tell me first. That’s what friends do!” But Key, why does it sounds so wrong? Why your lie does hurt so much in my heart?
But Key…
You stand up from the bed and intent to leave me behind all alone. Just like I once let you… But that won’t happen again… I also stand up and catch your arm, not letting you pass. There’s a question on your face. Actually there are so many unspoken questions that I’m afraid to look at you.
I wrap my arms around you like a child hugs his mother. Why are you emanating so much warmth Key? You respond my hug and I smile sadly. Even after this, you… Why are there so much lies between us?
I won’t let you behind again, Key. I won’t let you cry again because of me. I won’t forget that I have to protect you, Key. I won’t… you’re my treasure; I won’t lose you again like before.
I love you…
But through all these lies around us, let me be the one who watches over you. Let me be the one who sees the love into your eyes, but can’t respond to it because of all these lies. Now that I already broke that heart that beat for me, until I can fix it, let me be the friend you need; the one who’ll protect our link.
I won’t leave you behind this time…
Let me be the one who silently loves you back, Key! The one that can’t be near you but you have his heart entirely. Let me love you silently Key… at least it won’t hurt so much anymore.
I promise!