Yuto x Yamada; if i never knew you part ii
Title: if i never knew you
Pairing: Nakajima Yuto x Yamada Ryosuke
Rating: PG
Warnings: Yamada going crazy and having mental break downs.
Notes: See this post for original notes and details.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Written: July 15-July 23 2008
part i
In a lucid dream, the dreamer is fully aware that they are dreaming. Now, this is a pretty common occurrence, especially near the end of a dream, when you realize there’s no way in a thousand years that that could happen. But lucid dreaming is special. A lucid dreamer is not only aware of this from the beginning, but can walk around freely in their own dream. It’s like having time to play while still getting reenergized for the next day.
Yamada must have been dreaming again.
“Yuto…” he whispered like he had done so many times in the past month, only this time Yuto was there and standing in front of him with that beautiful smile that made Yamada’s heart throb.
Yuto’s eyes widened in that sense of wonder and amazement that looked nothing short of adorable and childish on him. “You know my name! How do you know my name?”
Yamada cowered at the suspicious and accusatory look on Yuto’s face, not use to such a dark expression on his face. Why was Yuto acting so indifferently to him? Did he hate him now? “Yu-yuto… I… I…”
“Idiot!” Yuto’s head turned just in time to meet the slap of a school bag and an angry teenage girls face. “You’re wearing your uniform, it has your name on the side.”
“… oh yeah,” Yuto chuckled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “Sorry about jumping on you like that, I-”
“And don’t be so familiar with Yamada Ryosuke, you idiot!” The girl smacked him again.
“Stop hitting me! Who’s Yamada Ryosuke?” Yuto scowled, glaring at the girl.
“He’s only one of the biggest idols in Japan! God, do you live under a rock or something?”
“Shut up!”
As quickly as it had been lit the flame went out.
Imagine lying on a comfortable bed with a heavy pipe on top of you for days, not heavy enough to crush and kill you but heavy enough to hurt. A lot. And then imagine someone coming to try and lift it off of you, and succeeding to lift it for a couple of inches, a couple of minutes, only to drop it back on you out of sheer exhaustion.
Yamada imagined that it must have felt something like this.
“S-sorry. You look like…” he breathed in deeply, but even that made his chest hurt. “Like someone. Sorry to have bothered you, I should get going.” Yamada stood up and wiped at his burning eyes, chiding himself for getting his hopes up. “Please excuse me.”
Defeat gripping at him heavily, Yamada grabbed his things to leave, ducking his head down low to hide the tears dripping down his cheeks. This boy who looked like Yuto, sounded like him, had his name… wasn’t him. Would he ever get his Yuto back? Yamada reached for the plate of cupcakes, his hand trembling as he picked them up. Would Yuto ever come back to him? Yamada began to think, really think, of what would happen if Yuto never came back.
His eyes widened and he imagined months, years without Yuto… never Yuto, ever again.
The world began to spin and he sat down shakily, feeling like he was about to throw up.
“Woah! Are you okay?” The not-his-Yuto said, sounding worried, and sat down next to him. “You don’t look so good… should we call someone?”
He sounds so much like him… “No! Please, just… go away!” He wanted this not-Yuto far away from him, he never wanted to see the boy so daring enough to steal his best friends face.
“But you’re really pale!” Not-his-Yuto shot back, pushing back some of his hair and touching their foreheads together. “You don’t have a fever… do you feel sick?”
Yes, I do. Yamada weakly pushed not-his-Yuto away and rubbed at the skin not-his-Yuto’s forehead had touched, trying to soothe the hot burn that had been produced at the touch. “I’m fine! Just… just a bit tired. I’m going home, I’ll take a nap.” Yamada swallowed back the heavy lump of a lie- he wouldn’t sleep, not for days now, when there was the chance to meet Yuto in his sleep.
“At least come and get something to drink! We’ll treat you.” Not-his-Yuto is stubborn, like Yuto, but in a different way. Yuto would have invited himself along to walk Yamada home, then would have spent the rest of the afternoon nursing him better. “Come on, please…”
Not-his-Yuto doesn’t really give him time to respond, just takes his bag from him and the tray of cupcakes and slides an arm through his, pulling him to his feet. Yamada nearly collapsed against him before he remembered how to use his legs. “Don’t worry about it, I’m okay…” he mumbled, even though he could barely get himself to wrench his grip away from not-his-Yuto’s.
“Well, then at least come celebrate Yuto’s birthday with us. Just one drink, ne? We know a really good place.” For the first time Yamada noticed the other person, the girl who had probably spoke up earlier and yelled at not-his-Yuto. He turned to her, eyes wide; she was quite pretty, really, very cute, just Yuto’s type. “He won’t leave you alone until you do,” she added helpfully, smiling a bit apologetically.
Ignoring not-his-Yuto’s whining, Yamada swallowed. “But…”
Yamada knew he was lost when not-his-Yuto looked at him pleadingly, because after a month of not seeing that face and saying no to it, Yamada no longer had the heart to deny it.
“Okay. I guess it wouldn’t hurt.”
Not-his-Yuto was a lot like his Yuto. Actually, Yamada would think they were the same person if it didn’t hurt too much to think about that.
Not-his-Yuto (and perhaps he should stop making that distinction, because it wasn’t like Yuto was ever his to begin with!) chattered the entirety of the walk to wherever he was taking them, mostly about things, places, and people Yamada didn’t know, which hurt so much Yamada almost left right then. It hurt to think Yuto, whether it was the same Yuto or not, could be so happy without him and their friends. That Yuto’s bright smile could be just as bright even when everything was different.
They ended up at a coffee place Yamada had seen before but never been in, and it made him frown a bit because Yuto never liked coffee. He almost wished this Yuto was exactly the same as his Yuto, if only because the differences hurt more.
“Ohayou!” Yuto called out in his loud, almost obnoxious way when they stepped through the door, but Yamada could immediately see what had brought on such a familiarity with the shop.
The café was small and cozy, and currently empty and decorated with streamers and balloons and a huge banner that read HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUTO! The lone patron of the shop was probably the owner, Yamada figured- she stood behind the bar, a large, beautifully decorated cake in front of her, and called out, “Happy Birthday, Yuto-kun!” to them.
“The place looks awesome, Yurina-san!” The girl (Yamada realized he still didn’t know her name) gushed, rushing over to study the cake. “Way more than his lug-head deserves.”
“Oi!” Yuto laughed and went to join them, but at the last second reached back to grab Yamada’s arm and tug him along. Yamada nearly stumbled in his surprise, and instead of looking up at the strange faces and surroundings kept his eyes locked on where Yuto’s fingers wrapped around his wrist, remembering the times and days when his Yuto would do the exact same thing to get Yamada to come with him.
”It hurts,” he thought, but he wasn’t sure if he was referring to the tightness around his wrist or his heart.
“Who’s this, Yuto-kun? A new friend?” the shop owner asked politely, a warm smile on her face that almost forced Yamada to smile back.
“Yamada Ryosuke. He’s a famous idol, you know!” He said, making the girl sigh (“you didn’t know that 10 minutes ago, baka!”) and Yamada giggle.
“Oh really? How exciting!” Yurina laughed, winking at Yamada.
“Yeah, I don’t know why he’d want to hang around boring old Yuto when he could be with Yabu-kun and Takaki-kun! Are they as hot as they look on the television?” the girl asked, and if it wasn’t for the tease in her voice Yamada would worry about being stuck with another obsessed fan.
“Misae! Don’t ask stupid stuff like that! He’ll think we brought him along so we could get dirt out of him and want to leave!” Yuto shouted, scowling.
Yuto and the girl (Misae, Yamada had caught) continued to argue, with Yurina laughing in the background, and, as someone looking in from the outside, Yamada smiled, wondering if this is what life would be like if he wasn’t an idol.
“I should really get going,” Yamada said after his third piece of cake, which really is delicious. But it was really the fifth time he had gone through that; each time, Yuto pouted and sent him a pleading look, and hypnotized Yamada into sitting back down.
But finally Yuto seemed to relent, in a way. “I should, too. Here, I’ll walk with you. Where do you live?”
Yamada panicked. “Oh, no, please don’t bother. It’s-”
Yuto smiled. “I’ll walk as far as it’s convenient. Where do you live?”
Yamada frowned, but didn’t want to admit his real reason for refusing Yuto. But nonetheless he relented and told him, hiding a wince at the way Yuto’s face brightened. “Hey, that’s right on the way! We probably take the same train too, right? Don’t worry about it, it’s more fun together, right?”
Yuto’s words went over Yamada’s head- he was still focusing on the added similarity between his Yuto and this Yuto. If he lived in the same house… Yamada thought he would get sick. “Uhm. Yeah, okay.”
Beaming, Yuto gathered the bags of presents he had gathered and stood up. “Bye Yurina-san, Misae-chan, thank you for the party!”
“Thank you for having me,” Yamada added politely, bowing to the two women and hiding a smile at the breathless giggle that he assumed came from Misae. She had tried to act cool, but Yamada could tell she had her fangirl tendencies as well.
“Please, come back!” Yurina insisted, giving him the same warm smile from earlier. “Have a good day, Yuto-kun, Yamada-kun.”
After more goodbyes and promises of coming back, Yamada left the shop with Yuto in tow, running to catch up to him. “Hey… thanks for coming,” Yuto said. “That was probably kind of boring, but I don’t want you to think I just invited you because you’re an idol.”
Yamada frowned a bit and shook his head, still in too much of a state of confusion to think straight. “No, it’s okay. It was… fun.”
“You probably don’t do stuff like this often, huh…”
Yamada sighed inwardly, because this Yuto had just as much tact and sensitivity as his Yuto did. “No, I don’t,” he said flatly, hoping a cold tone would get Yuto to drop the topic.
It did make Yuto flinch a bit. “Well… thanks for coming, anyway. It was fun.”
“Un.”
It was decidedly uncomfortable while they walked on. Because Yuto was quiet, and Yamada wasn’t use to him being quiet, and Yamada so badly wanted to hug him or jump him or something that would be very inappropriate for someone he just met. Especially since this Yuto probably wasn’t use to guys hugging each other.
“Hey… are you going to be on television?”
Yamada blinked a bit, and Yuto chuckled sheepishly and added, “I mean. You’re an idol, right? So you must appear sometimes…”
“Oh. Yeah. Two days from now, actually.”
“Cool, I’ll watch. I want to see how Yamada-kun looks performing.”
Yamada blushed deeply, a mixture of anger, sadness, and pleasure rising up in him, because it reminded him too much of his current situation- he didn’t want Yuto watching if he couldn’t be in it, and there was no way he could be in it. “Oh. You don’t have to…”
“But I want to!” Yuto said stubbornly. “I bet you look really cool, huh?”
“Not really,” Yamada mumbled, wishing Yuto would just drop this topic already. He remembered times when Yuto would praise his work and overall obsess over him like a fangirl, and suddenly felt as if he didn’t deserve any of it. “Not at all.”
“Nah, Yamada-kun is definitely the type of person that drives the fans crazy!” Yuto insisted, grinning. “I can just tell. Some guys have all the luck!”
Yamada sighed and gave up, because Yuto never really understood at all. “Yeah, I suppose.”
They walked in silence again, and Yamada tried not to focus on the person next to him, thinking of only the train station and his home and his bed. He’d wake up tomorrow and never see Yuto again and go on with this half-life of his.
Half-life… that was a good description of it, he thought absently. He was living, he was going on with all of his daily routines, but he felt dead on the inside. He would have never guessed that the absence of his best friend would affect him like this… then again, he never would have guessed he’d have to go through a time where Yuto was absent like this.
“You know…” Yamada jumped and his heart ached a bit at the sudden voice, and he scolded himself for behaving so stupidly. “I almost auditioned for it.”
“For what?”
“For your agency. You’re a Johnny, right? I almost went to one of the auditions, a long time ago.”
Yuto didn’t even notice that Yamada had stopped walking, or that he had turned pale and white and sickly. He laughed and went on. “I probably wouldn’t have made it anyway… but who knows, we could have been in the same group together! Isn’t it funny? … Yamada-kun? Yamada-kun?”
Yamada didn’t hear Yuto’s almost desperate calls, or even feel him shaking his shoulders.
This was his Yuto. This was the same Yuto that he used to idolize as a junior, the Yuto who had reached out his hand to him and became his best friend, the Yuto that was always by his side whenever he needed someone. But it wasn’t… it wasn’t at all.
Yuto had the chance to join the jimusho. The Yuto he knew took that chance…
And then all of a sudden, that changed. The past changed, Yuto didn’t take that chance… and now everything was different. But why did he know all of this? How did any of this make sense?
A torrent of thoughts stormed throughout his mind, images of Yuto in the jimusho, laughing with him and having fun, images of Yuto from just minutes ago, laughing at something Misae said. Yuto always wondered what life would be like if they weren’t idols… and this was it.
“Why… why didn’t you join…” Yamada whispered, feeling sick again and almost a bit crazy. I think I am going crazy.
Yuto looked a bit nervous and assumed Yamada had been talking to him. “I-I don’t know. It just didn’t appeal to me…”
Yamada ignored him and the tears running out of his eyes, the hurt and pain that suddenly ripped at his heart and every vein in his body. “Why didn’t you want to be with me…”
If Yuto had never met me… this is what my life would be like. No. This is what my life is like.
Sometimes, authors write pages and pages of their story and then suddenly decide to go back and change something. In this case, a character. They decide to change one thing about one character, but that one thing has a ripple effect. It doesn’t stop at that character, it goes on to the rest of the characters, the events in the book, the plot in the book, until the book is no longer the same at all.
Just from that one character.
Yamada didn’t realize until now just how much one detail could affect his life. All it took was one event that didn’t even happen to him, and everything changed, forever.
It had been almost a week since that day, and Yamada was beginning to hope that maybe he really did dream it all up. Which would be good- he developed shakes just thinking about it.
And then he met Yuto again, in the exact same place, and the fragile cover up he had made in his mind shattered.
“Yamada-kun!”
No. No no no no no please I can’t deal with this. But Yamada forced a smile on his face. “Hello, Nakajima-kun.”
Yuto smiled brightly and showed no signs of remembering Yamada’s little breakdown the other week. “Sorry for yelling your name out like that,” Yuto laughed sheepishly, as if belatedly remembering that screaming out an idols name in public wasn’t a smart idea, “But I was hoping I’d get to see you again. How have you been?”
Yamada ignored the little flutter in his heart. “… okay.”
Yuto smiled, but Yamada could tell there was something he wanted to say, because he had that look on his face that he got when he was ready to explode with some juicy information. He didn’t have to wait long to find out. “I watched you on Music Station the other night, man you were so cool! I was… inspired! I mean, your whole group is really good, but you… you’re just awesome! Where’d you learn to dance and sing like that? And you looked so cool, too, so different from how you do now! In fact, don’t laugh, but I enjoyed it so much I went out and bought your single, but I had to tell my friends it was for Misae, ‘cause they started making fun of me…”
The more Yuto talked, the sicker Yamada felt, as he remembered the way Yuto gushed over him after a performance and showered him with praise. Before he knew what he was doing, he opened his mouth, feeling like he was going to throw up, and instead shouted, “Shut up! Just stop it already, shut up!”
Yuto looked like he had gotten smacked. “Y-yamada-kun…”
“What do you know! Stop making me out to be some god, I’m not!” His eyes had that familiar burning sensation again, and he wasn’t quite sure who he was talking to now. “You’re the perfect one, you’re the one I wanted to be like! So stop idolizing me, I’m not better than you!”
“What are you talking about, Yamada-kun?” Yuto asked, utterly confused. “I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said all of that, y-you probably don’t want another crazy fan after you, right? I-”
“Just leave me alone!” Yamada was half in hysterics now, screaming and causing a ruckus, and for a moment Yuto looked uncertain, and leaving seemed like a good option. “Why won’t you leave me alone? I just… I want to forget! Why won’t you let me forget…” Yamada’s tears were so heavy now he was sure he was talking more to himself than anything, and he sank to the ground in defeat, burying his face in his hands.
“Yamada-kun!” Yuto ignored how Yamada had just screamed at him and kneeled down, placing his hands on his shoulders. “Yamada-kun, what’s wrong? What’s going on?”
Ignoring the oddness of it (the entire situation, really) and everything his mind was screaming, Yamada clung to Yuto and buried his head against his shoulder, sobbing into the strange Yuto’s jacket. Not sure what to do with a hysterical idol, Yuto awkwardly wrapped his arms around the smaller boy and held him close.
Unaware of his surroundings, Yamada cried and moaned, letting out the burning question that had been on the tip of his tongue for weeks.
“Why did you leave me, Yuto…”
Existence is a strange concept. The more that Yamada looked at Yuto, the new Yuto, and the more he thought about it, the more tempting it was to call his Yuto a figment of his imagination.
Life would be so much easier that way.
… to be continued
PREVIOUS PART | NEXT PART
Pairing: Nakajima Yuto x Yamada Ryosuke
Rating: PG
Warnings: Yamada going crazy and having mental break downs.
Notes: See this post for original notes and details.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Written: July 15-July 23 2008
part i
In a lucid dream, the dreamer is fully aware that they are dreaming. Now, this is a pretty common occurrence, especially near the end of a dream, when you realize there’s no way in a thousand years that that could happen. But lucid dreaming is special. A lucid dreamer is not only aware of this from the beginning, but can walk around freely in their own dream. It’s like having time to play while still getting reenergized for the next day.
Yamada must have been dreaming again.
“Yuto…” he whispered like he had done so many times in the past month, only this time Yuto was there and standing in front of him with that beautiful smile that made Yamada’s heart throb.
Yuto’s eyes widened in that sense of wonder and amazement that looked nothing short of adorable and childish on him. “You know my name! How do you know my name?”
Yamada cowered at the suspicious and accusatory look on Yuto’s face, not use to such a dark expression on his face. Why was Yuto acting so indifferently to him? Did he hate him now? “Yu-yuto… I… I…”
“Idiot!” Yuto’s head turned just in time to meet the slap of a school bag and an angry teenage girls face. “You’re wearing your uniform, it has your name on the side.”
“… oh yeah,” Yuto chuckled sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “Sorry about jumping on you like that, I-”
“And don’t be so familiar with Yamada Ryosuke, you idiot!” The girl smacked him again.
“Stop hitting me! Who’s Yamada Ryosuke?” Yuto scowled, glaring at the girl.
“He’s only one of the biggest idols in Japan! God, do you live under a rock or something?”
“Shut up!”
As quickly as it had been lit the flame went out.
Imagine lying on a comfortable bed with a heavy pipe on top of you for days, not heavy enough to crush and kill you but heavy enough to hurt. A lot. And then imagine someone coming to try and lift it off of you, and succeeding to lift it for a couple of inches, a couple of minutes, only to drop it back on you out of sheer exhaustion.
Yamada imagined that it must have felt something like this.
“S-sorry. You look like…” he breathed in deeply, but even that made his chest hurt. “Like someone. Sorry to have bothered you, I should get going.” Yamada stood up and wiped at his burning eyes, chiding himself for getting his hopes up. “Please excuse me.”
Defeat gripping at him heavily, Yamada grabbed his things to leave, ducking his head down low to hide the tears dripping down his cheeks. This boy who looked like Yuto, sounded like him, had his name… wasn’t him. Would he ever get his Yuto back? Yamada reached for the plate of cupcakes, his hand trembling as he picked them up. Would Yuto ever come back to him? Yamada began to think, really think, of what would happen if Yuto never came back.
His eyes widened and he imagined months, years without Yuto… never Yuto, ever again.
The world began to spin and he sat down shakily, feeling like he was about to throw up.
“Woah! Are you okay?” The not-his-Yuto said, sounding worried, and sat down next to him. “You don’t look so good… should we call someone?”
He sounds so much like him… “No! Please, just… go away!” He wanted this not-Yuto far away from him, he never wanted to see the boy so daring enough to steal his best friends face.
“But you’re really pale!” Not-his-Yuto shot back, pushing back some of his hair and touching their foreheads together. “You don’t have a fever… do you feel sick?”
Yes, I do. Yamada weakly pushed not-his-Yuto away and rubbed at the skin not-his-Yuto’s forehead had touched, trying to soothe the hot burn that had been produced at the touch. “I’m fine! Just… just a bit tired. I’m going home, I’ll take a nap.” Yamada swallowed back the heavy lump of a lie- he wouldn’t sleep, not for days now, when there was the chance to meet Yuto in his sleep.
“At least come and get something to drink! We’ll treat you.” Not-his-Yuto is stubborn, like Yuto, but in a different way. Yuto would have invited himself along to walk Yamada home, then would have spent the rest of the afternoon nursing him better. “Come on, please…”
Not-his-Yuto doesn’t really give him time to respond, just takes his bag from him and the tray of cupcakes and slides an arm through his, pulling him to his feet. Yamada nearly collapsed against him before he remembered how to use his legs. “Don’t worry about it, I’m okay…” he mumbled, even though he could barely get himself to wrench his grip away from not-his-Yuto’s.
“Well, then at least come celebrate Yuto’s birthday with us. Just one drink, ne? We know a really good place.” For the first time Yamada noticed the other person, the girl who had probably spoke up earlier and yelled at not-his-Yuto. He turned to her, eyes wide; she was quite pretty, really, very cute, just Yuto’s type. “He won’t leave you alone until you do,” she added helpfully, smiling a bit apologetically.
Ignoring not-his-Yuto’s whining, Yamada swallowed. “But…”
Yamada knew he was lost when not-his-Yuto looked at him pleadingly, because after a month of not seeing that face and saying no to it, Yamada no longer had the heart to deny it.
“Okay. I guess it wouldn’t hurt.”
Not-his-Yuto was a lot like his Yuto. Actually, Yamada would think they were the same person if it didn’t hurt too much to think about that.
Not-his-Yuto (and perhaps he should stop making that distinction, because it wasn’t like Yuto was ever his to begin with!) chattered the entirety of the walk to wherever he was taking them, mostly about things, places, and people Yamada didn’t know, which hurt so much Yamada almost left right then. It hurt to think Yuto, whether it was the same Yuto or not, could be so happy without him and their friends. That Yuto’s bright smile could be just as bright even when everything was different.
They ended up at a coffee place Yamada had seen before but never been in, and it made him frown a bit because Yuto never liked coffee. He almost wished this Yuto was exactly the same as his Yuto, if only because the differences hurt more.
“Ohayou!” Yuto called out in his loud, almost obnoxious way when they stepped through the door, but Yamada could immediately see what had brought on such a familiarity with the shop.
The café was small and cozy, and currently empty and decorated with streamers and balloons and a huge banner that read HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUTO! The lone patron of the shop was probably the owner, Yamada figured- she stood behind the bar, a large, beautifully decorated cake in front of her, and called out, “Happy Birthday, Yuto-kun!” to them.
“The place looks awesome, Yurina-san!” The girl (Yamada realized he still didn’t know her name) gushed, rushing over to study the cake. “Way more than his lug-head deserves.”
“Oi!” Yuto laughed and went to join them, but at the last second reached back to grab Yamada’s arm and tug him along. Yamada nearly stumbled in his surprise, and instead of looking up at the strange faces and surroundings kept his eyes locked on where Yuto’s fingers wrapped around his wrist, remembering the times and days when his Yuto would do the exact same thing to get Yamada to come with him.
”It hurts,” he thought, but he wasn’t sure if he was referring to the tightness around his wrist or his heart.
“Who’s this, Yuto-kun? A new friend?” the shop owner asked politely, a warm smile on her face that almost forced Yamada to smile back.
“Yamada Ryosuke. He’s a famous idol, you know!” He said, making the girl sigh (“you didn’t know that 10 minutes ago, baka!”) and Yamada giggle.
“Oh really? How exciting!” Yurina laughed, winking at Yamada.
“Yeah, I don’t know why he’d want to hang around boring old Yuto when he could be with Yabu-kun and Takaki-kun! Are they as hot as they look on the television?” the girl asked, and if it wasn’t for the tease in her voice Yamada would worry about being stuck with another obsessed fan.
“Misae! Don’t ask stupid stuff like that! He’ll think we brought him along so we could get dirt out of him and want to leave!” Yuto shouted, scowling.
Yuto and the girl (Misae, Yamada had caught) continued to argue, with Yurina laughing in the background, and, as someone looking in from the outside, Yamada smiled, wondering if this is what life would be like if he wasn’t an idol.
“I should really get going,” Yamada said after his third piece of cake, which really is delicious. But it was really the fifth time he had gone through that; each time, Yuto pouted and sent him a pleading look, and hypnotized Yamada into sitting back down.
But finally Yuto seemed to relent, in a way. “I should, too. Here, I’ll walk with you. Where do you live?”
Yamada panicked. “Oh, no, please don’t bother. It’s-”
Yuto smiled. “I’ll walk as far as it’s convenient. Where do you live?”
Yamada frowned, but didn’t want to admit his real reason for refusing Yuto. But nonetheless he relented and told him, hiding a wince at the way Yuto’s face brightened. “Hey, that’s right on the way! We probably take the same train too, right? Don’t worry about it, it’s more fun together, right?”
Yuto’s words went over Yamada’s head- he was still focusing on the added similarity between his Yuto and this Yuto. If he lived in the same house… Yamada thought he would get sick. “Uhm. Yeah, okay.”
Beaming, Yuto gathered the bags of presents he had gathered and stood up. “Bye Yurina-san, Misae-chan, thank you for the party!”
“Thank you for having me,” Yamada added politely, bowing to the two women and hiding a smile at the breathless giggle that he assumed came from Misae. She had tried to act cool, but Yamada could tell she had her fangirl tendencies as well.
“Please, come back!” Yurina insisted, giving him the same warm smile from earlier. “Have a good day, Yuto-kun, Yamada-kun.”
After more goodbyes and promises of coming back, Yamada left the shop with Yuto in tow, running to catch up to him. “Hey… thanks for coming,” Yuto said. “That was probably kind of boring, but I don’t want you to think I just invited you because you’re an idol.”
Yamada frowned a bit and shook his head, still in too much of a state of confusion to think straight. “No, it’s okay. It was… fun.”
“You probably don’t do stuff like this often, huh…”
Yamada sighed inwardly, because this Yuto had just as much tact and sensitivity as his Yuto did. “No, I don’t,” he said flatly, hoping a cold tone would get Yuto to drop the topic.
It did make Yuto flinch a bit. “Well… thanks for coming, anyway. It was fun.”
“Un.”
It was decidedly uncomfortable while they walked on. Because Yuto was quiet, and Yamada wasn’t use to him being quiet, and Yamada so badly wanted to hug him or jump him or something that would be very inappropriate for someone he just met. Especially since this Yuto probably wasn’t use to guys hugging each other.
“Hey… are you going to be on television?”
Yamada blinked a bit, and Yuto chuckled sheepishly and added, “I mean. You’re an idol, right? So you must appear sometimes…”
“Oh. Yeah. Two days from now, actually.”
“Cool, I’ll watch. I want to see how Yamada-kun looks performing.”
Yamada blushed deeply, a mixture of anger, sadness, and pleasure rising up in him, because it reminded him too much of his current situation- he didn’t want Yuto watching if he couldn’t be in it, and there was no way he could be in it. “Oh. You don’t have to…”
“But I want to!” Yuto said stubbornly. “I bet you look really cool, huh?”
“Not really,” Yamada mumbled, wishing Yuto would just drop this topic already. He remembered times when Yuto would praise his work and overall obsess over him like a fangirl, and suddenly felt as if he didn’t deserve any of it. “Not at all.”
“Nah, Yamada-kun is definitely the type of person that drives the fans crazy!” Yuto insisted, grinning. “I can just tell. Some guys have all the luck!”
Yamada sighed and gave up, because Yuto never really understood at all. “Yeah, I suppose.”
They walked in silence again, and Yamada tried not to focus on the person next to him, thinking of only the train station and his home and his bed. He’d wake up tomorrow and never see Yuto again and go on with this half-life of his.
Half-life… that was a good description of it, he thought absently. He was living, he was going on with all of his daily routines, but he felt dead on the inside. He would have never guessed that the absence of his best friend would affect him like this… then again, he never would have guessed he’d have to go through a time where Yuto was absent like this.
“You know…” Yamada jumped and his heart ached a bit at the sudden voice, and he scolded himself for behaving so stupidly. “I almost auditioned for it.”
“For what?”
“For your agency. You’re a Johnny, right? I almost went to one of the auditions, a long time ago.”
Yuto didn’t even notice that Yamada had stopped walking, or that he had turned pale and white and sickly. He laughed and went on. “I probably wouldn’t have made it anyway… but who knows, we could have been in the same group together! Isn’t it funny? … Yamada-kun? Yamada-kun?”
Yamada didn’t hear Yuto’s almost desperate calls, or even feel him shaking his shoulders.
This was his Yuto. This was the same Yuto that he used to idolize as a junior, the Yuto who had reached out his hand to him and became his best friend, the Yuto that was always by his side whenever he needed someone. But it wasn’t… it wasn’t at all.
Yuto had the chance to join the jimusho. The Yuto he knew took that chance…
And then all of a sudden, that changed. The past changed, Yuto didn’t take that chance… and now everything was different. But why did he know all of this? How did any of this make sense?
A torrent of thoughts stormed throughout his mind, images of Yuto in the jimusho, laughing with him and having fun, images of Yuto from just minutes ago, laughing at something Misae said. Yuto always wondered what life would be like if they weren’t idols… and this was it.
“Why… why didn’t you join…” Yamada whispered, feeling sick again and almost a bit crazy. I think I am going crazy.
Yuto looked a bit nervous and assumed Yamada had been talking to him. “I-I don’t know. It just didn’t appeal to me…”
Yamada ignored him and the tears running out of his eyes, the hurt and pain that suddenly ripped at his heart and every vein in his body. “Why didn’t you want to be with me…”
If Yuto had never met me… this is what my life would be like. No. This is what my life is like.
Sometimes, authors write pages and pages of their story and then suddenly decide to go back and change something. In this case, a character. They decide to change one thing about one character, but that one thing has a ripple effect. It doesn’t stop at that character, it goes on to the rest of the characters, the events in the book, the plot in the book, until the book is no longer the same at all.
Just from that one character.
Yamada didn’t realize until now just how much one detail could affect his life. All it took was one event that didn’t even happen to him, and everything changed, forever.
It had been almost a week since that day, and Yamada was beginning to hope that maybe he really did dream it all up. Which would be good- he developed shakes just thinking about it.
And then he met Yuto again, in the exact same place, and the fragile cover up he had made in his mind shattered.
“Yamada-kun!”
No. No no no no no please I can’t deal with this. But Yamada forced a smile on his face. “Hello, Nakajima-kun.”
Yuto smiled brightly and showed no signs of remembering Yamada’s little breakdown the other week. “Sorry for yelling your name out like that,” Yuto laughed sheepishly, as if belatedly remembering that screaming out an idols name in public wasn’t a smart idea, “But I was hoping I’d get to see you again. How have you been?”
Yamada ignored the little flutter in his heart. “… okay.”
Yuto smiled, but Yamada could tell there was something he wanted to say, because he had that look on his face that he got when he was ready to explode with some juicy information. He didn’t have to wait long to find out. “I watched you on Music Station the other night, man you were so cool! I was… inspired! I mean, your whole group is really good, but you… you’re just awesome! Where’d you learn to dance and sing like that? And you looked so cool, too, so different from how you do now! In fact, don’t laugh, but I enjoyed it so much I went out and bought your single, but I had to tell my friends it was for Misae, ‘cause they started making fun of me…”
The more Yuto talked, the sicker Yamada felt, as he remembered the way Yuto gushed over him after a performance and showered him with praise. Before he knew what he was doing, he opened his mouth, feeling like he was going to throw up, and instead shouted, “Shut up! Just stop it already, shut up!”
Yuto looked like he had gotten smacked. “Y-yamada-kun…”
“What do you know! Stop making me out to be some god, I’m not!” His eyes had that familiar burning sensation again, and he wasn’t quite sure who he was talking to now. “You’re the perfect one, you’re the one I wanted to be like! So stop idolizing me, I’m not better than you!”
“What are you talking about, Yamada-kun?” Yuto asked, utterly confused. “I-I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said all of that, y-you probably don’t want another crazy fan after you, right? I-”
“Just leave me alone!” Yamada was half in hysterics now, screaming and causing a ruckus, and for a moment Yuto looked uncertain, and leaving seemed like a good option. “Why won’t you leave me alone? I just… I want to forget! Why won’t you let me forget…” Yamada’s tears were so heavy now he was sure he was talking more to himself than anything, and he sank to the ground in defeat, burying his face in his hands.
“Yamada-kun!” Yuto ignored how Yamada had just screamed at him and kneeled down, placing his hands on his shoulders. “Yamada-kun, what’s wrong? What’s going on?”
Ignoring the oddness of it (the entire situation, really) and everything his mind was screaming, Yamada clung to Yuto and buried his head against his shoulder, sobbing into the strange Yuto’s jacket. Not sure what to do with a hysterical idol, Yuto awkwardly wrapped his arms around the smaller boy and held him close.
Unaware of his surroundings, Yamada cried and moaned, letting out the burning question that had been on the tip of his tongue for weeks.
“Why did you leave me, Yuto…”
Existence is a strange concept. The more that Yamada looked at Yuto, the new Yuto, and the more he thought about it, the more tempting it was to call his Yuto a figment of his imagination.
Life would be so much easier that way.
… to be continued
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