[Yukari is normally a heavy sleeper but even she isn't able to miss the way Hakkai tears away. The way he pushes himself out of her embrace like her touch burns him.]
Hakkai?
[But her voice is low and quiet and he is already in the other room. Perhaps he doesn't hear her. Or perhaps he does.
He's had a dream, clearly. Her expression is grim as she picks up the Hitomi.]
* * *
[Ah.
So that's how it is.
Bitch, she thinks, somewhat irrationally. But how irritating, for her husband to still be tormented by this woman. That her corpse should still be warm to him, those bloody hands pulling him into her world. Whatever she once was, now she's dead, and she has nothing to offer but the misery of her circumstance. A ravenous thing that tears out hearts, takes and takes and gives nothing. Eats his life, his happiness, and leaves him hollow with nothing but a forest of dead things.
Oh, but she is quite the opponent, isn't she? How to exorcise this woman, Hakkai's sister and lover who still has his heart in her teeth? It's unacceptable for her to occupy such a position. It just won't do. But Hakkai, being the sentimental sort, is really rather attached to her, even if she is frankly undeserving of his love for being such a deplorable emotional leech. Honestly. Yukari has no particular use for someone who causes her husband undue emotional distress.
What to do, what to do. Reassurances that Yukari won't die (can't die, truly) are ultimately empty, because Hakkai is not even close to foolish enough to think that a woman like Kanan could even stand before her, much less kill her. No, that's not the problem. The problem is that Hakkai doesn't think he deserves Yukari. Doesn't think he deserves anything good, anything at all but his past with his broken sister and a thousand dead youkai. His loss and his crime, which he holds close to his heart like he might hold his own child. Singing lullabies to his beloved guilt.
Yukari has no patience for it. Wishes she could tear that away from him and toss it aside, like the useless thing it is. Is thinking she might do just that. If she can, but she won't fail. She won't accept that.
She slips into a yukata but doesn't bother to tie it shut. It's more for the night chill than any especial sense of modesty. And she follows Hakkai out into the next room, silent on bare feet. Stands in the door, watching impassively for a moment. Weighing the situation. Her voice is soft and sweet when she speaks. Only a single word. One that she repeats often.]
[Hakkai has thrown on one of his yukata from a basket of folded laundry near the door. He shuffles into the main room of the house like he's sleepwalking, but doesn't stay there. Many times when the nightmares come he'll make himself a little tea, but tonight he throws open the shoji door that opens into the garden and sits out on the porch, cross-legged.]
You watched it.
[Not a question. He knows the answer, after all.]
She's right you know. I haven't been keeping in her in my heart like I once did. I've been selfish.
[The word is carefully neutral. She walks over to where he sits and kneels behind him, resting against the curve of his spine until she is snug against his back. He is very warm, and she presses into that warmth almost unconsciously. Her arms wrap around him, linking together. Secure. And not letting go.]
For denying her the love you once gave?
Hm.
Do you imagine she is terribly troubled by this?
[It's cruel, she knows. To say it that way. She doubts the kiss she places on the nape of his neck will soften the blow at all.
But Yukari is not kind and gentle. Not like Kanan at all.]
I so rarely speak to dead people when I'm awake, I'm afraid I've no idea how she'd feel. You're the one who keeps such company, what do you think?
[She's being cruel but Hakkai's good at deflecting, good at burrowing into himself with hollow little jokes such as that one. He smiles, but it's not a smile at all. She knows and he knows she knows but he can't help it. He just can't show her that hurt openly.]
[Feigned nonchalance? Yukari had sort of been hoping for something violent. But then, Hakkai has never been that easy to crack, has he?]
Oh, I just find your definition of selfish interesting, when it involves forgetting about a woman who neither knows nor cares what you have in your heart.
[There. There's a slight twitch of his eyelid that indicates that yes, she's found a button and she's pushing it rather emphatically. But still, he smiles for his wife. His wonderful, beautiful, perfect --]
That may be, darling, but that's not really the point.
[Ah, there we are, Hakkai. Don't think you can hide that from your wife. She's watching closely, after all.]
Not the point?
Well, I don't know. Precisely what definition of selfishness are we working under? Because it seems to me that the word "selfish" is best defined as "doing something to the detriment of others for one's own benefit."
To whose detriment is it, for you to move on with your life?
[Her voice might sound casual to an onlooker, but there is a sharp edge for Hakkai's careful ear.]
[He speaks sweetly, but each word is a brick he aims firmly at himself.]
She was my world, and I would have done anything to get her back. Forgetting her... my love is truly shallow.
I didn't kill because I thought I could get her back. I knew she wouldn't want me back if I became a monster, but I did it anyway because I was that angry she'd been taken. It was only ever about how I felt.
And then I had the gall to survive when she didn't. And moved on at the soonest possible juncture.
[And it's not just about Yukari, of course, but the warmth of friendship he cautiously, and then wholeheartedly found himself a part of. Even after these years, he can't forgive himself.]
Re: [Action]necro_fantasiaSeptember 1 2009, 04:06:49 UTC
[She sighs, exasperated. She loves him dearly, but sometimes he is so very tiring.]
All of this is irrelevant. The only thing that's important is this - who is it who benefits from your self-imposed suffering? And if the answer is "no one," which it very obviously is, how do you justify your behavior?
I don't enjoy seeing you unhappy. If your sister makes you unhappy, I would rather she be gone from your mind.
There are plenty of things people do that are of no benefit to them, but they must do it anyway.
[His voice is low, dangerous. And what he should have said - what he meant was - 'there are plenty of things that humans do.'
And he knows she's right, really, but he can't give up Kanan. Even if she hurts, and she does, she hurts even more than the deep scar in his tissue when it rains. She's a dull throb, a thorn in his side. But that's what is left. Beneath the admiration for her, the gratefulness for having met her, he's consumed by the guilt of losing her.
And if he forgets that guilt it's as good as forgetting her. And he can't allow himself that.]
Re: [Action]necro_fantasiaSeptember 2 2009, 23:00:18 UTC
[There is a pause. Because though he does not say it, she senses his meaning. It happens, sometimes - these reminders. Of how very different they are. Because even if Hakkai is a youkai, he was once human, and he holds to human convention.
When she sighs again, it is less annoyed and more resigned.]
I forget how young you are, sometimes.
[Yukari doesn't know if she mourned the dead when she was a young girl. She has forgotten everything about those days. But now, having lived so long, the death of humans is to her as common as the passing of days, and it does not bother her overmuch.]
Ah. Well, it will get easier for you, if you should live to be so old.
[She laughs dryly, and does not say, Which you will. She can hardly let it be otherwise, after all. He's her husband, isn't he?]
Hakkai?
[But her voice is low and quiet and he is already in the other room. Perhaps he doesn't hear her. Or perhaps he does.
He's had a dream, clearly. Her expression is grim as she picks up the Hitomi.]
* * *
[Ah.
So that's how it is.
Bitch, she thinks, somewhat irrationally. But how irritating, for her husband to still be tormented by this woman. That her corpse should still be warm to him, those bloody hands pulling him into her world. Whatever she once was, now she's dead, and she has nothing to offer but the misery of her circumstance. A ravenous thing that tears out hearts, takes and takes and gives nothing. Eats his life, his happiness, and leaves him hollow with nothing but a forest of dead things.
Oh, but she is quite the opponent, isn't she? How to exorcise this woman, Hakkai's sister and lover who still has his heart in her teeth? It's unacceptable for her to occupy such a position. It just won't do. But Hakkai, being the sentimental sort, is really rather attached to her, even if she is frankly undeserving of his love for being such a deplorable emotional leech. Honestly. Yukari has no particular use for someone who causes her husband undue emotional distress.
What to do, what to do. Reassurances that Yukari won't die (can't die, truly) are ultimately empty, because Hakkai is not even close to foolish enough to think that a woman like Kanan could even stand before her, much less kill her. No, that's not the problem. The problem is that Hakkai doesn't think he deserves Yukari. Doesn't think he deserves anything good, anything at all but his past with his broken sister and a thousand dead youkai. His loss and his crime, which he holds close to his heart like he might hold his own child. Singing lullabies to his beloved guilt.
Yukari has no patience for it. Wishes she could tear that away from him and toss it aside, like the useless thing it is. Is thinking she might do just that. If she can, but she won't fail. She won't accept that.
She slips into a yukata but doesn't bother to tie it shut. It's more for the night chill than any especial sense of modesty. And she follows Hakkai out into the next room, silent on bare feet. Stands in the door, watching impassively for a moment. Weighing the situation. Her voice is soft and sweet when she speaks. Only a single word. One that she repeats often.]
Hakkai.
Reply
You watched it.
[Not a question. He knows the answer, after all.]
She's right you know. I haven't been keeping in her in my heart like I once did. I've been selfish.
Reply
[The word is carefully neutral. She walks over to where he sits and kneels behind him, resting against the curve of his spine until she is snug against his back. He is very warm, and she presses into that warmth almost unconsciously. Her arms wrap around him, linking together. Secure. And not letting go.]
For denying her the love you once gave?
Hm.
Do you imagine she is terribly troubled by this?
[It's cruel, she knows. To say it that way. She doubts the kiss she places on the nape of his neck will soften the blow at all.
But Yukari is not kind and gentle. Not like Kanan at all.]
Reply
[She's being cruel but Hakkai's good at deflecting, good at burrowing into himself with hollow little jokes such as that one. He smiles, but it's not a smile at all. She knows and he knows she knows but he can't help it. He just can't show her that hurt openly.]
Reply
Oh, I just find your definition of selfish interesting, when it involves forgetting about a woman who neither knows nor cares what you have in your heart.
Reply
That may be, darling, but that's not really the point.
[--bitch of a wife. ^_^]
Reply
Not the point?
Well, I don't know. Precisely what definition of selfishness are we working under? Because it seems to me that the word "selfish" is best defined as "doing something to the detriment of others for one's own benefit."
To whose detriment is it, for you to move on with your life?
[Her voice might sound casual to an onlooker, but there is a sharp edge for Hakkai's careful ear.]
Reply
She was my world, and I would have done anything to get her back. Forgetting her... my love is truly shallow.
I didn't kill because I thought I could get her back. I knew she wouldn't want me back if I became a monster, but I did it anyway because I was that angry she'd been taken. It was only ever about how I felt.
And then I had the gall to survive when she didn't. And moved on at the soonest possible juncture.
[And it's not just about Yukari, of course, but the warmth of friendship he cautiously, and then wholeheartedly found himself a part of. Even after these years, he can't forgive himself.]
Reply
All of this is irrelevant. The only thing that's important is this - who is it who benefits from your self-imposed suffering? And if the answer is "no one," which it very obviously is, how do you justify your behavior?
I don't enjoy seeing you unhappy. If your sister makes you unhappy, I would rather she be gone from your mind.
Reply
[His voice is low, dangerous. And what he should have said - what he meant was - 'there are plenty of things that humans do.'
And he knows she's right, really, but he can't give up Kanan. Even if she hurts, and she does, she hurts even more than the deep scar in his tissue when it rains. She's a dull throb, a thorn in his side. But that's what is left. Beneath the admiration for her, the gratefulness for having met her, he's consumed by the guilt of losing her.
And if he forgets that guilt it's as good as forgetting her. And he can't allow himself that.]
Reply
When she sighs again, it is less annoyed and more resigned.]
I forget how young you are, sometimes.
[Yukari doesn't know if she mourned the dead when she was a young girl. She has forgotten everything about those days. But now, having lived so long, the death of humans is to her as common as the passing of days, and it does not bother her overmuch.]
Ah. Well, it will get easier for you, if you should live to be so old.
[She laughs dryly, and does not say, Which you will. She can hardly let it be otherwise, after all. He's her husband, isn't he?]
Reply
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