Full of Selfy Loathing and Pity
What to say? What to do?
I never know.
I'm not a good friend.
Conflict? What conflict? I avoid it. Almost always.
I opt out. I dodge. I don't log in. I abandon. I never know.
I make things worse. I destroy things. I never fix them.
You know what's worse?
I still want to hermit myself away. To hide. To escape. To not look back. To let go of everything. And just not move forward.
I feel so apathetic towards it all. Detached. Uninvolved. Which brings up the point - am I worth it? Should I really be considered a friend?
I have issues. Ones that I don't even fully recognize. How did they develop? Was it always this way? Was it because my parents divorced? Did that have any effect?
Or am I just a bad person with a less than desirable personality?
I hardly ever ask to hang out. I hardly ever send out invitations to do something. I usually have to be asked to do something.
Am I worth that?
Why do people care about me? Why?
Because I don't feel I'm worth their time.
Is that it? Am I telling the truth? Is that the underlying truth, or is that just another excuse for how I behave?
I feel so fake. So empty. But at the same time, I'm so content. So fulfilled. Why should I need other people? I isolate myself. Myself should just be fine.
Yet I stare at my cellphone. Waiting for someone to text me - hardly ever texting first. Elated when someone does. Disappointed if it's just a question or inquiry.
I never take the first step.
I'm to scared too.
Rejection.
I am afraid to hear the word no.
No is my biggest fear.
They say it's the worse someone can say. And it breaks my heart.
I hate feeling rejection. Is that the cause of my disconnection?
Maybe.
Do I only seek people out for self satisfaction? For comfort?
Maybe.
I don't know myself, but everyone seems to have their own opinion on me. How I act. How I do things.
But why. Why bother with someone like me?
I sit here. Crying. Alone. Knowing few, if anyone, will ever read this. None of my friends know this account. I have shown it to no one.
Is it because I isolate myself, or because I want someone who doesn't know me to read this? To care.
But I don't return the favour. Or do I? I care. I do. I have to prove it, but I have no way to do so.
If I show this to anyone that considers some of this true, it's labeled self pity. Likely because it is. Maybe? I don't know. I don't try to garner pity from people. Not consciously.
I'm selfish. I whine. I'm spoiled. Despite my parents divorcing, I have a good relationship with them both. My mother is clinically depressed, and goes off on rants to panic attacks which scare the shit out of me. I have a loving older sister, a brother in law and a niece and nephew I love both. I have money. My mum is a bit strapped for cash and is too proud to accept a lot of government welfare whereas my father makes a good paycheck. I own a cat.
My life is not hard. It's not difficult to live. It's way better than most.
I sit here and complain about my issues, when I know my best friend is not doing so well.
I disappear off msn for almost a month, knowing this but I forget it.
Because I like to isolate myself. I also forgot MSN existed half the time, because I hate the new layout, ect about it.
I am not a good friend. I have issues. I never take the first step unless forced.
I screw a lot up. I tend to let that sit.
I don't know what to do, how to act, who to talk to.
I just sit.
And watch the world burn around me.
I want to escape.
I want to so badly.
I just want to run away. I want to find a hole and hibernate for a few years. I want to be safe.
If I ran... I would be okay, I think.
And that's what makes me a terrible person.
Burn world, burn. I'll just keep running and fanning the flame.
Because that's the easy thing to do.
I hate myself for it, but I never change.
I never know.
I'm not a good friend.
Conflict? What conflict? I avoid it. Almost always.
I opt out. I dodge. I don't log in. I abandon. I never know.
I make things worse. I destroy things. I never fix them.
You know what's worse?
I still want to hermit myself away. To hide. To escape. To not look back. To let go of everything. And just not move forward.
I feel so apathetic towards it all. Detached. Uninvolved. Which brings up the point - am I worth it? Should I really be considered a friend?
I have issues. Ones that I don't even fully recognize. How did they develop? Was it always this way? Was it because my parents divorced? Did that have any effect?
Or am I just a bad person with a less than desirable personality?
I hardly ever ask to hang out. I hardly ever send out invitations to do something. I usually have to be asked to do something.
Am I worth that?
Why do people care about me? Why?
Because I don't feel I'm worth their time.
Is that it? Am I telling the truth? Is that the underlying truth, or is that just another excuse for how I behave?
I feel so fake. So empty. But at the same time, I'm so content. So fulfilled. Why should I need other people? I isolate myself. Myself should just be fine.
Yet I stare at my cellphone. Waiting for someone to text me - hardly ever texting first. Elated when someone does. Disappointed if it's just a question or inquiry.
I never take the first step.
I'm to scared too.
Rejection.
I am afraid to hear the word no.
No is my biggest fear.
They say it's the worse someone can say. And it breaks my heart.
I hate feeling rejection. Is that the cause of my disconnection?
Maybe.
Do I only seek people out for self satisfaction? For comfort?
Maybe.
I don't know myself, but everyone seems to have their own opinion on me. How I act. How I do things.
But why. Why bother with someone like me?
I sit here. Crying. Alone. Knowing few, if anyone, will ever read this. None of my friends know this account. I have shown it to no one.
Is it because I isolate myself, or because I want someone who doesn't know me to read this? To care.
But I don't return the favour. Or do I? I care. I do. I have to prove it, but I have no way to do so.
If I show this to anyone that considers some of this true, it's labeled self pity. Likely because it is. Maybe? I don't know. I don't try to garner pity from people. Not consciously.
I'm selfish. I whine. I'm spoiled. Despite my parents divorcing, I have a good relationship with them both. My mother is clinically depressed, and goes off on rants to panic attacks which scare the shit out of me. I have a loving older sister, a brother in law and a niece and nephew I love both. I have money. My mum is a bit strapped for cash and is too proud to accept a lot of government welfare whereas my father makes a good paycheck. I own a cat.
My life is not hard. It's not difficult to live. It's way better than most.
I sit here and complain about my issues, when I know my best friend is not doing so well.
I disappear off msn for almost a month, knowing this but I forget it.
Because I like to isolate myself. I also forgot MSN existed half the time, because I hate the new layout, ect about it.
I am not a good friend. I have issues. I never take the first step unless forced.
I screw a lot up. I tend to let that sit.
I don't know what to do, how to act, who to talk to.
I just sit.
And watch the world burn around me.
I want to escape.
I want to so badly.
I just want to run away. I want to find a hole and hibernate for a few years. I want to be safe.
If I ran... I would be okay, I think.
And that's what makes me a terrible person.
Burn world, burn. I'll just keep running and fanning the flame.
Because that's the easy thing to do.
I hate myself for it, but I never change.