drowning
lately I'm letting it all fall apart.
why i entrust so much faith into what is seemingly the most unlikely scenario is beyond me. I'm setting myself up for pain every time, and every time I'm more and more surprised my the expected outcome. the definition of insanity, right? they say to always have faith, but I'm applying that to the wrong part of my life. I'm so DONE with being confused. or am i? ill say stop and i wont say i love you, but that's clearly not enough. it obviously hasn't worked this far.
the thing i don't understand is how you can do this to me over and over, and how dare you make me believe that i deserve it. like a broken record it starts out sounding and feeling so good. you're so good at what you do. why are you so good. logic tells me that every statement you make is just some sort of deep down projection rooted from your alcoholism and prior failed relationships. why cant you get that i love you. i don't say it, cause then you'd win. you're an ego maniacal control freak with a lighthearted, pure disposition.
what my heart tells me challenges that in whole. you must hurt, it says to me. this is raw and honest right now. you need to drink to be you, because its how you were so much before. it is a non negotiable staple in your life, your undecided fate. take the upper hand, it tells me. take it and run.
when i run, i always trip on the curb.
I've had too many scraped knees from you, and each one of my ribs cracks every time your by my side. you've left my eyes yellow and red, and my stamina has been reduced. i want me back, but i think you've thrown out the map. every time i try harder. i love you. can you not see all I've done? maybe it's all just been in vain. that would make sense. together we are poster children for better living through chemical dependency. i was always told to make haste with my feelings.
with every drag i inhale our past, and then delicately exhale misguided thoughts. situations that never exist take up 50% of my head, and the other 50 in failed instances. in writing, this all seems so easy to figure out, but then emotions have to complicate it. maybe next time ill read the fine print before i sign.
now I'm stuck with my withered shell. an excuse for what i cannot do. my enamel is gone, my throat burnt with the bile of my regurgitated heart. or maybe it was my stomach. either way my lungs are failing too. my brain is shutting down, blood flow slows, and tears fall. pull back your hair and take a deep breath, because the worst is almost over. there's something so fatal about that. a lack of acceptance in the air continuously poisons me. the bunker I've built for emotional warfare like this has Saxony carpeting, gold and burgundy curtains, and a kitchenette. the walls are draped with the strongest moral fibers but i seemed to have forgot to install a door handle. can you see how contrived this is? how i am now?
or maybe the way i act is just a non negotiable staple in my own life, never being content in because the unexpected regularity is all i know how to deal with.
maybe we just share our mothers health.
why i entrust so much faith into what is seemingly the most unlikely scenario is beyond me. I'm setting myself up for pain every time, and every time I'm more and more surprised my the expected outcome. the definition of insanity, right? they say to always have faith, but I'm applying that to the wrong part of my life. I'm so DONE with being confused. or am i? ill say stop and i wont say i love you, but that's clearly not enough. it obviously hasn't worked this far.
the thing i don't understand is how you can do this to me over and over, and how dare you make me believe that i deserve it. like a broken record it starts out sounding and feeling so good. you're so good at what you do. why are you so good. logic tells me that every statement you make is just some sort of deep down projection rooted from your alcoholism and prior failed relationships. why cant you get that i love you. i don't say it, cause then you'd win. you're an ego maniacal control freak with a lighthearted, pure disposition.
what my heart tells me challenges that in whole. you must hurt, it says to me. this is raw and honest right now. you need to drink to be you, because its how you were so much before. it is a non negotiable staple in your life, your undecided fate. take the upper hand, it tells me. take it and run.
when i run, i always trip on the curb.
I've had too many scraped knees from you, and each one of my ribs cracks every time your by my side. you've left my eyes yellow and red, and my stamina has been reduced. i want me back, but i think you've thrown out the map. every time i try harder. i love you. can you not see all I've done? maybe it's all just been in vain. that would make sense. together we are poster children for better living through chemical dependency. i was always told to make haste with my feelings.
with every drag i inhale our past, and then delicately exhale misguided thoughts. situations that never exist take up 50% of my head, and the other 50 in failed instances. in writing, this all seems so easy to figure out, but then emotions have to complicate it. maybe next time ill read the fine print before i sign.
now I'm stuck with my withered shell. an excuse for what i cannot do. my enamel is gone, my throat burnt with the bile of my regurgitated heart. or maybe it was my stomach. either way my lungs are failing too. my brain is shutting down, blood flow slows, and tears fall. pull back your hair and take a deep breath, because the worst is almost over. there's something so fatal about that. a lack of acceptance in the air continuously poisons me. the bunker I've built for emotional warfare like this has Saxony carpeting, gold and burgundy curtains, and a kitchenette. the walls are draped with the strongest moral fibers but i seemed to have forgot to install a door handle. can you see how contrived this is? how i am now?
or maybe the way i act is just a non negotiable staple in my own life, never being content in because the unexpected regularity is all i know how to deal with.
maybe we just share our mothers health.