(no subject)
there is something beautiful to in a hot, stuffy livingroom, filled with people who are happily drunk and filled with pasta. thank you all so much, lix had an amaxing birthday and i'm never been happier to see your pretty faces all together.
however, i've been torn lately. it's embarrassing, but now the thing that signals me, telling me i'm about to start my period, is the overwhelming urge to be irrational, impractical...adam got drunk and touchy last night, starting fights and i think i handled it well. but now i'm left with all these questions...i've been dreaming about a beautiful wedding with this man that i love but if i'm so very happy, why am i finding myself naked in a pool with another boy, fighting off advances? he says i like to drive 99 feet on a 100 foot road towards danger and get out at the last second and just look at it. danger. it's that thing i've always done, that thing that gets me into trouble, that thing i do that hurts people, gives ideas, leads people on when i don't mean to. but i guess ignorance is still no excuse. he grabbed me and tried to kiss me. we watched stars. we rescued a tiny tiny bunny from drowning and i held it and dried it and our eyes met and now i'm more confused than ever.
what is it that makes me want to wander? it's so foolish to feel this way once a month, to not be in control of my "hormones" emotions, brain. i feel hijacked.
i've finally lost interest in my job of five years, in progressing, in realizing dreams. i can only be grateful i haven't made the one mistake i still fear i'm so close to making. i've guarded my heart so closely, knowing what i'm capable of and i'm still fighting the urge to call him and ask him to see me. he won't. he says he wants to be my friend but really he wants another chance. they all do. just keep on recycling and somehow one will become what you want.
lix and i found a dreamhouse and now i'm panicky we won't get it. that she won't get it. i hate feeling rejection on all sides.
however, i've been torn lately. it's embarrassing, but now the thing that signals me, telling me i'm about to start my period, is the overwhelming urge to be irrational, impractical...adam got drunk and touchy last night, starting fights and i think i handled it well. but now i'm left with all these questions...i've been dreaming about a beautiful wedding with this man that i love but if i'm so very happy, why am i finding myself naked in a pool with another boy, fighting off advances? he says i like to drive 99 feet on a 100 foot road towards danger and get out at the last second and just look at it. danger. it's that thing i've always done, that thing that gets me into trouble, that thing i do that hurts people, gives ideas, leads people on when i don't mean to. but i guess ignorance is still no excuse. he grabbed me and tried to kiss me. we watched stars. we rescued a tiny tiny bunny from drowning and i held it and dried it and our eyes met and now i'm more confused than ever.
what is it that makes me want to wander? it's so foolish to feel this way once a month, to not be in control of my "hormones" emotions, brain. i feel hijacked.
i've finally lost interest in my job of five years, in progressing, in realizing dreams. i can only be grateful i haven't made the one mistake i still fear i'm so close to making. i've guarded my heart so closely, knowing what i'm capable of and i'm still fighting the urge to call him and ask him to see me. he won't. he says he wants to be my friend but really he wants another chance. they all do. just keep on recycling and somehow one will become what you want.
lix and i found a dreamhouse and now i'm panicky we won't get it. that she won't get it. i hate feeling rejection on all sides.