I stole this survey from Lacey, and other things
a general update on life...
Things with Brent are better, but after the fights I always feel nervous...especially when hes leaving depressing lyrics as his away message....maybe they arent depressing and I'm just misinterpretting, or just interpretting something that means nothing, hell, I dont know...it doesnt help that I am going back and reading his old diary entries...at least they dont have the effect they did when I first found them (the plunging darkness of depression and anger)...but still, its an attack on my self esteem to read how he wasnt "as turned on as he should be" by certain body parts of mine right in the height of our "dating" or whatever it was....he wants me to stop referring to it as "when we were sleeping together" and say "when we were seeing each other"....because its 'less crass',...which is a valid point, but i feel like its a lie, i mean teh first couple of weeks or so we defintely werent dating, i was paying for my food when we went to get something to eat, and he did not let me stay over...and yes, things changed...and yes, they are different now, but that doesnt mean we have to deny what did happen because its not how he feels now...i read his old entries and part of him most defintely wanted to end things and he was (whether hell admit it or not) in love with someone else....I was his substitute, for whatever reason...part of it may be because he really thought i was on the rebound....and I wasnt, but it doesnt change what was....
i dont know, and part of me says that it doesnt really matter now, things are great (most of the time) and I just need to let it lie...but i cant...its hard, and i know he doesnt understand that...if i try to talk to him about it, nothing good will come from it...alexis thinks that its cuz he has a guilt complex about it...and i just dont know...i dont know if its that he does feel guilty, and because theres nothing he can do to take away those words or how he felt, he lashes out of frustration...or if he really, really believes that he did nothing wrong and im making a mountain out of a molehill...
either way, it doesnt matter...either way, im still scared...but i cant talk about that either...god forbid i doubt his love for me when its written in black and white that he wanted to break up with me just a couple of weeks before he asked me to be "official"...
im really not angry...its just he scares me so...if something happened, it would be like ripping my heart out of my chest...i dont think i could ever be whole again...this relationship has so much potential to be everything, and therefore it has the potential to turn me into nothing....
i want to run, i feel the urge sometimes, but i know i could never leave him...he makes me too happy, when hes around....hes my only sanity sometimes...and really, hes not all that bad...
oh sorry, that turned into something that i didnt intend....
in other news, classes are good...i enjoy business law more than you can imagine...and my others arent too bad, although i need to stop missing calculus so much...
im sick, sore throat and and also in my ear...im going to the health center soon...
im also going home in a couple weeks because dennis will be in from basic training...and ive really missed him...actually im going to houston to pick up my sister from the airport (shes flying out to his graduation)...staying with amelia and then driving home saturday...and then back here sunday...it will be fun, i hope....
my car is finally fixed...needed new brakes...
alright, survey time
Open up iTunes and fill out this survey, no matter how embarassing the responses might be.
How many songs: 874
Sort by song title
First Song: "1- Everyone has AIDS" Team America Soundtrack
Last Song: "Your Winter" by Sister Hazel
Sort by time:
Shortest Song: 0:43 "Katrina's Poem" from 10 Things I Hate About You
Longest Song: 1:18:43 "Never Scared (full Album)" by Chris Rock
Sort by album:
First album: ...Somwhere More Familar by Sister Hazel
Last album: Winter Songs EP by Matt Pond PA
Top Five Most Played Songs:
1) "Good Riddance" by Green Day (15)
2) "Ammarillo by Morning" by George Straight (13)
3) "Tipsy" by the JKwon (13)
4) "Like A Stone" by Audioslave (11)
5) "I Just don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" by Colin Hay (10)
First song that comes up on Shuffle: “Austin" by Blake Shelton
Search the following and state how many songs come up:
Death? 0
Life? 17
Love? 49
Hate? 7
You? 136
Sex? 4
Things with Brent are better, but after the fights I always feel nervous...especially when hes leaving depressing lyrics as his away message....maybe they arent depressing and I'm just misinterpretting, or just interpretting something that means nothing, hell, I dont know...it doesnt help that I am going back and reading his old diary entries...at least they dont have the effect they did when I first found them (the plunging darkness of depression and anger)...but still, its an attack on my self esteem to read how he wasnt "as turned on as he should be" by certain body parts of mine right in the height of our "dating" or whatever it was....he wants me to stop referring to it as "when we were sleeping together" and say "when we were seeing each other"....because its 'less crass',...which is a valid point, but i feel like its a lie, i mean teh first couple of weeks or so we defintely werent dating, i was paying for my food when we went to get something to eat, and he did not let me stay over...and yes, things changed...and yes, they are different now, but that doesnt mean we have to deny what did happen because its not how he feels now...i read his old entries and part of him most defintely wanted to end things and he was (whether hell admit it or not) in love with someone else....I was his substitute, for whatever reason...part of it may be because he really thought i was on the rebound....and I wasnt, but it doesnt change what was....
i dont know, and part of me says that it doesnt really matter now, things are great (most of the time) and I just need to let it lie...but i cant...its hard, and i know he doesnt understand that...if i try to talk to him about it, nothing good will come from it...alexis thinks that its cuz he has a guilt complex about it...and i just dont know...i dont know if its that he does feel guilty, and because theres nothing he can do to take away those words or how he felt, he lashes out of frustration...or if he really, really believes that he did nothing wrong and im making a mountain out of a molehill...
either way, it doesnt matter...either way, im still scared...but i cant talk about that either...god forbid i doubt his love for me when its written in black and white that he wanted to break up with me just a couple of weeks before he asked me to be "official"...
im really not angry...its just he scares me so...if something happened, it would be like ripping my heart out of my chest...i dont think i could ever be whole again...this relationship has so much potential to be everything, and therefore it has the potential to turn me into nothing....
i want to run, i feel the urge sometimes, but i know i could never leave him...he makes me too happy, when hes around....hes my only sanity sometimes...and really, hes not all that bad...
oh sorry, that turned into something that i didnt intend....
in other news, classes are good...i enjoy business law more than you can imagine...and my others arent too bad, although i need to stop missing calculus so much...
im sick, sore throat and and also in my ear...im going to the health center soon...
im also going home in a couple weeks because dennis will be in from basic training...and ive really missed him...actually im going to houston to pick up my sister from the airport (shes flying out to his graduation)...staying with amelia and then driving home saturday...and then back here sunday...it will be fun, i hope....
my car is finally fixed...needed new brakes...
alright, survey time
Open up iTunes and fill out this survey, no matter how embarassing the responses might be.
How many songs: 874
Sort by song title
First Song: "1- Everyone has AIDS" Team America Soundtrack
Last Song: "Your Winter" by Sister Hazel
Sort by time:
Shortest Song: 0:43 "Katrina's Poem" from 10 Things I Hate About You
Longest Song: 1:18:43 "Never Scared (full Album)" by Chris Rock
Sort by album:
First album: ...Somwhere More Familar by Sister Hazel
Last album: Winter Songs EP by Matt Pond PA
Top Five Most Played Songs:
1) "Good Riddance" by Green Day (15)
2) "Ammarillo by Morning" by George Straight (13)
3) "Tipsy" by the JKwon (13)
4) "Like A Stone" by Audioslave (11)
5) "I Just don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" by Colin Hay (10)
First song that comes up on Shuffle: “Austin" by Blake Shelton
Search the following and state how many songs come up:
Death? 0
Life? 17
Love? 49
Hate? 7
You? 136
Sex? 4