Final Words Last Forever
Today, my mother had a kenipsion about me missing the whole band final. She seriously flipped. Apparently new I have a GPA of between 2.7 and 2.5. So yeah, I am really disappointed in myself, because I know I can do better. I know that I can do this, but I just need to get everything together. Oh yeah, I'm grounded so I can think about my priorities. Pretty much school comes before everything else. I can understand that, but CAP is important to me too. When I was on the phone with mom, the last thing she said to me was, "well your enlisting and going to Iraq anyway so you don't need good grades". I hate it when she says that. She sounds disappointed, mad, sad, and unsure. She doesn't want me to go, and I know she doesn't, but she uses it as a defense mechanism. She hids behind that all the time. whenever she talks about it, she acts like she wants me to go and die, because the tone of voice she uses is that of indifference. It is so annoying. She doesn't know why I want to go, and what I want to do, and she never will. It takes a lot of guts to sign up and ship out, she thinks it is just a "grunt" thing. She says that I'll get walked on, and used, and whatever else comes to her mind. I don't care, when is she gunna get it. I want to be a medic, I am going to be putting people back together, holding their guts in, keeping them from bleeding to death, putting their limbs into plastic bags. That is a honorable thing to do. I know that the training is hard, thats why I want to do it. I am ready to do my part, and she is holding me back. How can I opperate to my full ability if I have her weighing me down? She cannot put guilt on me for doing what I want to do? I hate it! She never supports me! Yeah she will spend money left and right for me, she will house and cloth and feed me. She can love me til the day she dies, but she will never support me or believe in me. That is the problem that I face. I am not good enough for this family because what I want to be is too extreme, too unfeminine, too unHuntoon for her. I don't fucking care! When I was little she said that I could be whatever I wanted. I guess her thinking of me a a vet, cartoonist, and physical therapist is a lot better than a bloody field medic. I know that if I get shipped out, everything is going to change with me. I am going to become more sarcastic, more cynicle, I am have even more morbid humor. I will be blind to reality. I guess my quest isn't just to serve my country, but to just get the fuck away from what I live with eveyday. Kinda like, I've seen the dragon's layer, now lets see the fucking beast. I know everything will be hard for you guys (all my friends), my family, my pets, and whoever my boyfriend is (if I have one). I cannot explain why I want to do what I want to do. It feels right, it feels like I have to do it. That is why I am going to do it.