(no subject)
Apparently we all long for a place to belong... and for many people, that place starts off with their family
I wonder some times that I feel so lost, due to lack of family in my life
I honesty I didn't really realize that families aren't like mine until recently.
But it really wasn't until I was filled with this incredible feeling of jealousy, did I realize that maybe family is something imperative that I lack.
I suppose that we are only as good as our support system... but what if we don't really have one?
perhaps it could be the fact that I am now in my early 20's beginning to really grasp the intensity of what it is going to be like to live the rest of my life as a minority...
this is something that scares me for not only myself but the partner of which I will share my life with and our children
sometimes I think that maybe it isn't even fair to bring a child into the world with such a stigma at birth
This sense of the 'lost' that I seem to be suffocated with everyday might really be my lack of feeling like I belong ....
I really do believe that MY family is not what I personally need to live this life... because they are not the kind of people who will aid me, my partner or children for that matter ,in building and maintaining loving trusting connections with others.... they are not like me in anyway... are my parents even sure that Im not the one who was adopted? if that were the case my life would make a lot more sense.
My mind has recently been toying with this idea of 'created or chosen family' .... I believe that this is something that is going to be imperative to my life.... to surround myself with individuals who understand and care for me and my partner... people who share the same kind of spirit .... I truly do believe that having a mental / spiritual / intellectual / emotional connection with an individual, is gravely more important than blood.
but then you are left with this feeling of 'what now?' What do I do with all this blood that is connected to me? I would never want to hurt those individuals in my family who love me... but it is hard to fake a relationship with no soul... I would rather not attempt to do so....
perhaps this is where my inner drive to move far from everyone I know comes from... sometimes I wonder if existing so far anyway from anything I've ever know.... and anyone who has ever known me, would strip away all the assumptions of daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, step-daughter, acquaintance, friend, lover.... and leave me to create or truly discover who I really am... not what has been inflicted upon me.
I wonder some times that I feel so lost, due to lack of family in my life
I honesty I didn't really realize that families aren't like mine until recently.
But it really wasn't until I was filled with this incredible feeling of jealousy, did I realize that maybe family is something imperative that I lack.
I suppose that we are only as good as our support system... but what if we don't really have one?
perhaps it could be the fact that I am now in my early 20's beginning to really grasp the intensity of what it is going to be like to live the rest of my life as a minority...
this is something that scares me for not only myself but the partner of which I will share my life with and our children
sometimes I think that maybe it isn't even fair to bring a child into the world with such a stigma at birth
This sense of the 'lost' that I seem to be suffocated with everyday might really be my lack of feeling like I belong ....
I really do believe that MY family is not what I personally need to live this life... because they are not the kind of people who will aid me, my partner or children for that matter ,in building and maintaining loving trusting connections with others.... they are not like me in anyway... are my parents even sure that Im not the one who was adopted? if that were the case my life would make a lot more sense.
My mind has recently been toying with this idea of 'created or chosen family' .... I believe that this is something that is going to be imperative to my life.... to surround myself with individuals who understand and care for me and my partner... people who share the same kind of spirit .... I truly do believe that having a mental / spiritual / intellectual / emotional connection with an individual, is gravely more important than blood.
but then you are left with this feeling of 'what now?' What do I do with all this blood that is connected to me? I would never want to hurt those individuals in my family who love me... but it is hard to fake a relationship with no soul... I would rather not attempt to do so....
perhaps this is where my inner drive to move far from everyone I know comes from... sometimes I wonder if existing so far anyway from anything I've ever know.... and anyone who has ever known me, would strip away all the assumptions of daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, step-daughter, acquaintance, friend, lover.... and leave me to create or truly discover who I really am... not what has been inflicted upon me.