(no subject)
In many ways, I hate my days off. I have nothing productive to fill them with except my own thoughts, which are scary enough. I've no friends, being online 24/7 is not really an option and masturbating several times until you're ejaculating pure salt gets old real quick. So, right now I'm feeling very asexual, very alone and very bored. I do have things I could be doing, really. But I really need to talk with Kerry. I need to spill my guts about everything. I've been holding back recently because she's having some turmoil at work. Now that has passed, she now has two weeks to study for her teaching programme. She's planning to change careers from social work to teaching. I know it will come across as classic avoidance reasoning, but how can I possibly let her know my inner turmoil when she's under such pressure at the moment. She needs to pass that test. So, I will wait. Not avoid. Just wait.
This won't be a "I'm breaking up with you" talk. It will be purely me telling her how I feel, my fears, my doubts about moving to America. There will be tears on both sides, for sure. Discussion. Long awkward silences. Each of us trying to pick and choose our words carefully so as not to skewer the knife further into the heart. I know we share the blame for not talking about this sooner, but I feel the intensity of guilt weighing heavy on my shoulders. I'm not looking for sympathy. It's just plain fact.
It's also plain fact and pure and utter sadness that my doubts don't stem from Kerry herself at all. She's the most wonderful person I've ever met and we just gel and connect on so many levels. None of this is her fault. It's me. Such a cliche. It's not you, it's me. Well, this time, it really IS me. Some days I just feel totally broken and socially maladjusted that I wonder just how I'm going to cope with worklife in America. How hard everything seems. I had always thought of this as a joint venture, that we were in this together. In a sense, we are, but as filthwizard pointed out to me, we're not in the same boat. Kerry's not changing anything about her life. I'm changing absolutely everything about mine. New country, new continent, new culture, new job, new environs, new worries, no friends (really, no friends at all). A whole culture that I have to come to grips with. No more good old National Health Service. Hello extortionate health and car insurance. And this is all even IF I get a green card.
Which brings me to another point. How will I get my Green Card? By marriage. Does the commitment aspect worry me? Perhaps. Not consciously. Maybe it hasn't fully sunk in. We haven't actually discussed marriage, but I think we both know it's there. Almost like a formality. Which it is really, if I'm to stay in the States. It kind of takes the romance out of the whole thing. It's all meant to be a bit of a surprise question, no?
I called Kerry on the morning of her brother's wedding and towards the end of the call, she noted how the whole event just made her think of us and us being together. And there was silence. A long one. I know I was meant to fill the void, to step up to bat, to reassure and everything. But I couldn't. I assured her that everything would go O.K. "With the wedding today?" - "Yeah" - "O.K.. yea, you're right." I felt like such a bastard.
I think I have to stop typing for now.
This won't be a "I'm breaking up with you" talk. It will be purely me telling her how I feel, my fears, my doubts about moving to America. There will be tears on both sides, for sure. Discussion. Long awkward silences. Each of us trying to pick and choose our words carefully so as not to skewer the knife further into the heart. I know we share the blame for not talking about this sooner, but I feel the intensity of guilt weighing heavy on my shoulders. I'm not looking for sympathy. It's just plain fact.
It's also plain fact and pure and utter sadness that my doubts don't stem from Kerry herself at all. She's the most wonderful person I've ever met and we just gel and connect on so many levels. None of this is her fault. It's me. Such a cliche. It's not you, it's me. Well, this time, it really IS me. Some days I just feel totally broken and socially maladjusted that I wonder just how I'm going to cope with worklife in America. How hard everything seems. I had always thought of this as a joint venture, that we were in this together. In a sense, we are, but as filthwizard pointed out to me, we're not in the same boat. Kerry's not changing anything about her life. I'm changing absolutely everything about mine. New country, new continent, new culture, new job, new environs, new worries, no friends (really, no friends at all). A whole culture that I have to come to grips with. No more good old National Health Service. Hello extortionate health and car insurance. And this is all even IF I get a green card.
Which brings me to another point. How will I get my Green Card? By marriage. Does the commitment aspect worry me? Perhaps. Not consciously. Maybe it hasn't fully sunk in. We haven't actually discussed marriage, but I think we both know it's there. Almost like a formality. Which it is really, if I'm to stay in the States. It kind of takes the romance out of the whole thing. It's all meant to be a bit of a surprise question, no?
I called Kerry on the morning of her brother's wedding and towards the end of the call, she noted how the whole event just made her think of us and us being together. And there was silence. A long one. I know I was meant to fill the void, to step up to bat, to reassure and everything. But I couldn't. I assured her that everything would go O.K. "With the wedding today?" - "Yeah" - "O.K.. yea, you're right." I felt like such a bastard.
I think I have to stop typing for now.