黃子華棟篤笑搞0野金句 - so Funny!!
Wong Zhi Wa is this HK actor who does some stand up comedy. I will try to translate as much as I can. Some of them I don't totally understand what he means, and some I just don't know how to translate. He is having a stand up comedy show in Toronto on Oct 29th, but it's already all sold out! Also, I won't be here in Toronto.
愛情 (love)
戀愛唔係Part time，你唔可以話：「愛？做完咪走ｌａｗ！」(Love is not part-time, you can't say, "Love! Once you're finish, you're done")
戀愛係一盤生意，你要二十四小時諗住佢。(Love is a business, you have to think about it 24/7)
自己生意，冇所謂Part time正職。 (My own business, sure no problem, make parttime your full time)
人地放假或者過年過節，你更加要開OT添。(While others take holidays, you have to do over time)
行花市啦行海滂啦睇戲食飯啦...
你有乜野競爭對手呢？(What kind of opponents you have?)
我冇競爭對手既！ (I don't have any!!)
你估你係專利巴士公司呀？ (You think you have the "way"? - meaning, you think you have the girl entirely without putting much effort?)
港巴都執左啦！
有冇考慮結婚？(Have you thought about marriage?)
咁就要向公眾交代，咁就即係上市啦！(That means I have to make it public, that means we're going on the stock market!)
所以，「中學生應否談戀愛」唔係問題，(So, "Should highschool students have relationships?" is not the real question.)
問題係「人類應否有兩份全職工作？」(The question is, "Should mankind have two jobs?")
你再拍拖，需要知會你老闆：(If you want to have a relationship, you need to inform your boss)
「老細，我出面搵左一份戀愛，(Boss, I am finding a relationship)
我真係好需要呢份戀愛gar，(I really need this relationship)
不過公司Ｄ野我會照做，我兼顧到gar la。」(But I will keep doing my job, I can take care of it)
然後你老闆會話：「咁你不如搵多份愛情，咪直情唔駛番呢份工ｌａｗ。 (Then your boss will say, "why don't you find another relationship, then you don't have to do this job".)
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女人偉大 (Women are the greatest)
黃:係愛情之中,女人最偉大! (In a relationship, women are the greatest)
男人o既犧牲,就為o左追求美麗, (Men's sacrifice is to obtain beauty)
而女人o既犧牲,就只係得倒一個麻甩佬! (But the women's sacrifice, is just to get a "jerk")
而最偉大既係佢地根本唔覺得係犧牲. (The greatest thing about them, is that they don't feel it is sacrifice)
如果你話俾一個女人聽,喂,你男朋友有口臭! (If you tell the girl, your b/f has bad breath)
張:車.人梗有局部缺點o既! (Girl: no one is perfect)
黃:佢仲有臭狐同香港腳喎!(Your man has bad BO and Hong Kong foot)
張:咁佢咪好平均咯! (Girl: that's a good balace)
黃:佢鼻鼾聲好勁喎! (His snoring is very loud)
張:我男朋友一定係夢見我,我開心. (Girl: My b/f must be dreaming about me, I'm happy)
黃:佢屙尿亂o甘啡! (He pees all over the place)
張:好壯呀! (Girl: That's strong)
黃:佢唔洗手喎! (He doesn't wash his hands)
張:邊有男人洗手o架! (Girl: which man does?)
黃:我有! (Me!)
張:姆型! (Girl: Fag)
黃:佢重講粗口呀! (He swears)
張:但係佢心地好! (Girl: But he has a good heart)
黃:佢係電梯度食煙喎! (He smokes in the elevator)
張:公眾場合都唔俾食咯,佢咪呢埋一邊食囉,你地重想點呀! (Girl: If he can't smoke in public, he's gonna smoke somewhere else, what else do you want?)
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責任何在? (Whose responsibility?)
如果你話我聽,因為我唔靚仔,所以唔可以做戲, (If you tell me, I'm ugly, that's why I can't be a movie star)
你唔應該話我聽! (Don't tell me)
因為唔關我事,我唔應該負呢個責任,你應該同我父母講, (Because it's not my business, I'm not responsible for it, you should talk to my parents)
係佢地攪成我咁o既. (It's them who make me this way)
如果你要罰,應該罰佢地. (If you're going to punish, you should punish them)
以後,邊個醜樣,就罰佢爸爸,媽媽唔準做戲! (From now on, whoever's ugly, their dad and mom should be punished by not being able to be a movie star)
或者剩係做茄哩啡! (or the background supporting actors)
我唔係一個唔負責任o既人,為我爸爸媽媽果短短一剎o既快感, (I'm not an irresponsible person, just because my dad and mom had the short period of fun)
我已經負責負o左廿幾年. (I already took it for 20 some odd years)
你估做我好易做呀? (You think it's easy to be me?)
我細個讀書唔好,或者唔合格,我冇要父母負責. (When I was young and couldn't pass, I didn't make my parents take the responsibility)
我自己簽晒o的成績表o既, (I signed all the grade reports)
每當我爸爸媽媽有爭執鬧交o既時候, (Whenever my dad and mom fought)
我有冇叫佢地為o左我o既童年著想,忍下對方? (Did I tell them to tolerate each other for the sake of my childhood?)
冇! (No!)
我叫佢地出街鬧! (I told them to fight outside)
我大個O左,唔知應該信邊個宗教,唔知做人為嘜, (When I got older, don't know which religion to follow, don't know why I live)
唔知人生事業o既方向都冇要求又母照顧我 (Don't know where to go with my career, I didn't ask my mom to take care of me)
反而係我調番轉頭,提醒佢地: (In return, I remind them)
你地要搵錢呀,積穀防飢呀,唔係第日老來無依無靠呀! (Remember to make more money, save up, 'cause when you get old, you'll have no one to take care of you)
嘜野都係我! (Everything is me!)
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男仔唔駛靚仔 (Guys don't have to be good looking)
靚仔係唔係真係o甘重要呀? (Is being good looking that important?)
有o的人話男人唔駛靚仔o既,有才華o米得囉. (some said, you don't have to be good looking, you just have to have talent)
係,你有冇試過帶你o既才華去落disco識女仔呀? (Yes, have you ever tried to go down to the disco to meet girls?)
人地o的靚仔一行入去,唔洗二十分鐘,就已經同的女仔互相問問題: (The good looking ones get in, in just 20 min, they already asked the girl:)
[你度定我度?] (Your place or mine?)
我帶住我o既才華入到去,幾難先搵到個女仔肯比個機會我. (I bring my talent into the disco, it's so hard to get a girl to give me a chance)
唔係比機會我交換問題,而係比機會我天才表演. (Not to give me a chance to ask the question, but give me the chance to show my talent)
唱歌跳舞做話劇講大話功夫表演,成套歡樂今宵一個人做一次...... (Sing, dance, perform how to lie, the whole nine yards, one man show performing only once)
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演戲天份 (Acting talent)
我從小就知道,我係一個偉大既演員.(Since I was little, I know I am a great actor)
人地細個成班細路群埋,鐘意玩扮結婚,扮爸爸媽媽. (The other little ones like to get together, play getting married, act as dad and mom)
我細個,就鐘意扮姦夫淫婦. (While I was little, I like to act "adultrous husband and wife")
但係唔知係o米我個樣比較老實,我係從來都無機會扮奸夫. (But I think it's because I'm more honest, I have never acted as the adultrous husband)
每次我都係扮淫婦......既老公. (Everytime, I act as the adultrous wife.... 's husband)
雖然係o甘,雖然,我亦都係全班人之中最細個個. (Even though that's the case, even though I was the youngest in the group)
但係我已經可以將一個妒忌o既男人心態表現得淋漓盡至. (I can portray the jealous man's feelings very well)
當然,我的朋友個個都讚我,話我天生出黎,就係戴綠帽既. (of course, all my friends prasie me, saying that since I was born, I am destined to "wear the green hat" or be cheated on)
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死亡 (Death)
細個o個陣,我係唔怕死o既. (While I was little, I'm not afraid of death)
我覺得,係以前o的人先會死o既. (I think, only the people from before dies)
係歷史書裡面o既人至會死. (It's only the people in History dies)
好多人唔明歷史有嘜用,歷史o米話你聽邊o的人死o左囉. (A lot of people don't understand what history is for, History is to tell you who died)
我從來未睇過一本歷史書有提到黃子華呢個名,我點會死呀. (I have never seen a history book that mentioned the name "Wong Zhi Wa", how could I die?)
最緊要係,就算死都唔係嘜o野一回事. (the important thing is, even if I die, it's nothing)
細個o個陣隔離陳師奶成日叫佢老公:[咁多人去死你仲唔去死?] (While little, the neighbour Mrs. Chan always said to her husband, "So many people die, why don't you die?"
然後去完番o黎,阿陳師奶又會話:[死番o黎勒,唔死多陣添?] (When Mr. Chan comes come, Mrs. Chan would say, "You're home now? (using death in place of going out), why not 'die' for a while longer?)
所以我一路都認為,去死,即係去街,同埋一定唔會去好遠. (So I always thought, to die, is to go out, also, it won't be for long)
因為阿陳生每次都好快就返黎o既. (Because Mr. Chan always came home really fast)
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愛情 (Love)
白雪公主,幾甘純潔無瑕. (Snow white, really pure and white)
但係諗真o的,白雪公主,識得o個個係王子,灰姑娘識o個個又係王子, (but think about it, Snow white, she met a prince. Cinderella, she also met a prince)
有個有特殊嚐好,鐘意錫青蛙o既女人錫o左隻青蛙一啖, (The one who has the weird habbit, the one who likes to kiss the frog, kissed the frog)
隻青蛙變出黎o既又係王子! (the frog changed into, yet, a prince)
有冇人諗過根本個王子係同個人呢? (Has anyone thought that, those princes were the same prince?
根本呢個王子都不知幾花心,周圍溝女. (Actually, this prince is a player, getting different girls)
仲無良到扮青蛙去溝添! (Even worse is that he will even pretend to be a frog!)
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改名 (choose names)
改名,只係o的父母係將自己o既主觀意願套係o的仔女身上. (Choose names, it's the parent's subjective idea placing onto the children)
所以大部份女仔唔係叫美嘜就係麗嘜. (That's why a lot of girls' names are beauty this, beauty that)
男仔唔係叫阿堅,就係阿強,一唔係就叫阿祥. (The boys' names are, strength this, strong that)
o甘我地係o米好美麗,好堅好強好長呢? (So did we grow up to be really beautiful and strong?)
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黑白不明 (Not distingusihing between black and white)
我非常欣賞鄧小平o既「黑貓白貓,捉到老鼠就是好貓.」(I admire Dung Xiao Ping's "black cat, white cat, if it can catch a mouse then it's a good cat"
我老友阿雄個老婆生仔,生左個黑人出o黎,我都係o甘對佢講: (My friend's wife had a kid, gave birth to a black kid, I said the same thing to him)
「黑仔,白仔,快高長大就係你個仔啦!」 (Black kid, white kid, once it grows up then it's your kid)
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失戀 (Getting dumped)
失戀係會令人成長o既. (Getting dumped can make you grow up)
我失戀之前,一向都覺得世界上所有問題都有答案. (Before I got dumped, I always thought there's an answer to everything)
點解我地每日都要8點鐘起身返工呀? (Why do we have to get up to go to work everyday?)
因為夠鐘o羅! ('cause it's time)
點解我地有夠鐘呢樣o野呀? (Why is it time?)
因為我地唔用浮動上班時間o羅. (Because we don't have flexible work time)
點解呢個世界有戰爭? (Why is there war in this world?)
因為我地有武器羅. ('cause we have weapon)
o甘點解我地要有武器呀? (why do we have weapon?)
因為佢地有武器o羅. ('cause they have weapon)
一切都有答案,直到我失戀. (Everything has an answer, until I got dumped)
阿珍,點解你唔愛我? (Jenny, why don't you love me anymore?)
阿珍比o左一個經典既答覆我,佢話: (Jenny gave me this classic answer, she said:)
愛情係冇點解o架,係唔可以解釋o架,唔好問啦.(記緊這句啦) (Love has no answers, you can't explain it, don't ask - remember that)
如果番學阿sir問我o野都可以o甘答就好o勒! (If I go to school and the teacher ask me, it'll be great if I can use this answer)
黃子華,物体燃燒點解需要氧氣呀? (Wong Zhi Wa, why do you need oxygen to make something burn?)
阿sir,係冇點解o架,係唔可以解釋o架,唔好問我啦! (Sir, there's no why, you can't explain it, please don't ask me)
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隆胸 (Boob job)
葉子微簡直為演藝界創下新標準. (Yip Zi Mei - a chinese porn star - set a standard to the performance world)
以後的女仔想做明星,又唔洗睇樣,又唔洗睇演技,去磅啦!!!(加強語氣) (From now on, girls who want to be a star, don't have to look good, or act well, just add pounds - have boob job!)
得入去磅一磅就得o勒. (Stuff it up, and weigh it, done)
[開黎六斤半,片酬係六千五蚊一日,小姐做唔做?] (6.5 lbs, your daily salary is $6500, do you want to do it Miss?)
[開黎八斤有疤痕,八千減一千疤痕費,即係7千蚊一日.] (8lbs with scar (meaning had a bood job), $8000 minus $1000 scar fee, meaning $7000 daily salary.
你話幾客觀呢! (How objective!)
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愛滋論 (AIDS talk)
為何無人提及大陸收番香港呢? (Why doesn't anyone talk about China getting HK back?)
其實即是有愛滋一樣, (It's the same as AIDS)
你係唔係走去驗先, (So you're going to get yourself tested)
我驗o左你係唔係可以醫番好我先, (If I get myself tested, can you cure me?)
唔係o架o麻,我咪唔去驗o羅, (You can't, so I don't get myself tested)
咪當自己無o羅,如果有就等發出來咪死o羅,係咪先?(高半聲!) (I'll just pretend I don't have it, if it comes out, then I just die, right?)
同樣大陸要收番香港這問題都係o架o麻, (It's the same thing as China getting HK back)
係唔係講下佢會唔收先, (If we talk about it, does it mean China is not going to take HK back?)
係唔係我帶安全套佢唔收, (If I put on condom, China won't take HK back?)
我見客又帶,連食飯都帶3個, (I meet my clients I wear one, even having dinner, I put on 3)
唔係啦!!(低半語) (No)
大家來做個大o架粒住香港!! (Why don't we make a big one and cover HK with it!)
唔係架o麻,你講唔講, (It's not like that, whether you talk about it or not)
佢要收就收架啦!! (China still has to take HK back)
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放假 (Vacation)
黃:一般人都會好珍惜每年一度o既年假! (A lot of people treasure this once a year time)
張:今年我要去夏威夷游o下水. (Cheung: This year, I'm going to Hawaii to swim)
黃:如果你決定去夏威夷,你就要預忖出沉重代價!前四後六! (If you want to go to Hawaii, you have to pay big price, Before 4, After 6)
張:我講緊係年假,唔係產假呀,子華!(真係呀....) (Cheung: I'm talking about Vacation, not maternity leave! Sheesh)
黃:前四後六既意思係,係你放假之前個四個禮拜,同你放假之後六個禮拜, (Before 4, After 6 means, The four weeks before and 6 weeks after your vacation)
都要做到仆街!(死未)因為無論你放幾耐假,你o既o野始終係你做番. (you have to work like a dog! Dead yet? 'cause it doesn't matter how long you go for your vacation, whatever is yours to do, you have to do it)
張:係你既始終係你o既! (Cheung: Well, what's yours is yours)
黃:唔單止,放完假,唔係你既都會變成係你o既! (Not just that, once you're done with your vacation, what's not yours is now yours - I think he means you may get fired)
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金勞 (Gold Rolex = Gold Lo)
點解要帶金勞?? (Why wear Gold Lo?)
唔帶勞,有乜資格同人講,時間係寶貴? (If you don't wear Lo, what status do you have to say, my time is prescious?)
我既時間點值錢呀?(你話係唔係先) (How is my time prescious? Well, don't you think?)
o拿,支時針圍住行一個圈,12個鐘,十幾皮o野,即係為皮幾o野一個鐘 (See, the short hand runs one round, 12 hours, $10000, that means a few thousand for an hour)
你一個鐘值幾錢o丫? (How much money does your hour cost?)
幾舊水? (A few hundred?)
我點同你一齊食飯呀,大家時間觀念o甘唔同! (How can we sit together during dinner time? Our views on time is so different)
唔單止o甘,你帶勞,表示你個人有幽默感. (Not only that, if you wear Lo, that means you have humour - or sarcasm)
勞力士,有邊個靠勞力搵食o既人帶得起勞力士o丫? (Rolex, who uses their own hard work can wear Rolex? - The word "hard work" is the same first two chinese characters used for the name Rolex)
越帶勞力士o既人就越表示佢唔洗用勞力! (The people who wears Rolex are the ones who don't need to work hard)
呢D,就叫做幽默感o勒. (This, is called humour/sarcasm)
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女愛情觀 (A girl's view on love)
吳:女仔對愛同鐘意有很大既分別,如果個女仔知道個男仔鐘意佢呢, (A girl's view on like and love are very different. If a girl knows that a guy likes her)
她都會同佢去o下街,睇o下戲,食o下飯,但想做進一步既野就唔得o勒. (She will go out with him, watch a movie, have dinner, but if you want to go one step further, then she won't)
而女仔知道個男仔愛她時係絕對可以付出更多.(But if a girl knows a guy loves her, there is a lot of giving)
在女仔心目中,鐘意等於"幫襯",鋪鋪清唔好找我更多好處,(In a girl's mind, like means 'get your service' - I don't know what that last line is)
但愛在女仔心中等於"收購", (But love in a girls mind means 'to buy the business'
收購包括"注資",以後"合併"......(係呀...係呀!) (To buy the business means "bring the money in", then "merge")
所以女仔要男仔把佢o既愛注資落o黎,把護口注資落o黎,最重要o既係把錢資落o黎. (If a girl needs a guy's love to come in, need the account to come in, then needs to get the money to come in)
然後去買 Joyce啦,Panda 啦,Gueeo啦,買到一身都o係, (then spend it all on Joyce, Pnada, or Gueeo (brand names) from head to toe)
等佢認為可拱固佢自己既價值,但佢地是絕對無得倒男方o既同意架!! (So she thinks she can secure her own value/status that way, but they never had the guy's agreement to begin with)
o拿!!我宜家同你地講呀,你地o既黑箱作業,(Now I'm telling you, whatever you're doing right now)
很容易破壞男方o既經濟o架!!!(你們都很有共鳴o拿) (it's very easy to destroy the men's finance!! you guys agree)
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男愛情觀 (A man's view on love)
吳:男仔對愛就很隨便,愛同鐘意都無分別, (Men's view on love is easy, there's no dif between like and love)
只要佢知道妳鐘意佢,立即可帶妳番屋企,或去妳屋企, (As long as he knows you like him, immediately he can take you back to his place, or your place)
係唔係男仔心中無愛呢?我覺得又唔係o可.(Is it because there's no love in a guy's heart? Well, I don't think so either)
係佢地比其他人更清楚愛o既定義, (They understand the meaning of love more than others)
愛係乜呢?跟耶蘇既講法係: (What is love? As Jesus said:)
愛係恆久忍耐又有恩賜 (Love is tolerance and blessing)
愛係不張狂,不大喚,不作害羞的事 (Love is not drama, not doing something shameful)
忘記別人的錯. (Forget other people's wrong doings)
你話o勒作為小小男人o既我地怎可隨隨便便同你講聲愛呀!! (Being little men like us, how can we easily say "love"?)
所以以後有人同你講愛, (So from now on, if someone say "love" to you)
一就是他講大話(加強語氣),二就是有個耶蘇係你面前呀. (They either must be lying, or Jesus is in front of you)
但耶穌主張愛人如己,博愛o架!!(But Jesus prefers love others as you love yourself, go for it!)
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紅館 (This is a venue in HK where singers have their concerts)
依家做歌星,好犀利,因為有紅磡体育館. (If you are singers now a days, it's easy, 'cause there's the venue)
因為呢樣o野,做歌星,可以o係一晚. (Because of this venue, being a singer, you just need one night)
就賺晒你o地朝九晚五一世人都搵唔到o既錢啦!! (then you can earn the same amount of money as the entire lifetime earnings as those who work 9-5)
o的人話,我真係唔明張國榮點解要退休,(點解?) (Some people say, I don't understand why Leslie Cheung retired, why? - Leslie Cheung actually passed away. He came back to work, and then he commited suicide a while back, this standup comedy was done before that)
佢一晚已經搵o左你一世搵o既野, (He only needs to work one night, then that's your entired lifetime of earing)
佢一晚已經做o左你一世人要做既野, (He only needs to work one night, then he's done all that you ever needed to do in your lifetime)
仲有乜野可以做呀?? (What else is there to do?)
唔退休做乜? (Why not retire?)
做五場,已經輪迴五次! (Perform 5 times, reborn 5 times)
做三十場,輪迴三十次,如來佛祖都話:洗唔洗??? (Perform 30 times, reborn 30 times, - then it's some budda talk)
o的人話,唔係既,佢唔拾得退休既!佢最後個場演唱會,佢自己都o咸o架. (Some people said, nah, he misses! He cried during his last show)
佢係o咸,不過唔係為自己o咸,o係為o左你o地o咸呀: (Yeah he cried, but hed wasn't crying for himself, he cried for you)
[我就退休勒,我聽日就唔洗DO勒,.你地聽日仲要番九點,唔好遲到呀!!] (I'm retiring, I don't have to DO (work) tomorrow, you still have to go to work at 9, don't be late!)
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迷惘 (Lost)
o係公司,老闆會同我講: (In the office, my boss said to me)
[你番o黎唔係訓就o係去廁所,你當呢度係屋企呀,呢度係公司呀.] (Why are you here if all you do is sleep and go to washroom, where do you think you are at home? It's the office)
我番到屋企,阿媽又會話: (I go home, and my mom said)
[你仲當呢到係你屋企咩,你番o黎唔係霸住個廁所就剩係識訓!] (You still pretend this is home? All you do is hog the washroom and know how to sleep)
[o甘...o甘我番屋企又唔訓覺又唔去廁所,番公司又唔去廁所唔訓,o甘我呢o的o野去邊到做呀?] (Then.. If I go home and can't go to sleep and can't go to washroom, and if I go to the office and can't go to washroom and can't go to sleep, then where am I supposed to do these things?)
不過後o黎我諗過自己又係過份o的o既,於是我就痛改前非. (But, after I reflected upon these, I have changed)
以後番屋企我就剩係訓覺,番公司就剩係去廁所. (From now on, when I go home I sleep, when I go to the office I go to washroom)
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十八歲 (18 yo)
點解十八歲先至係合法年齡呢? (Why is 18 the legal age?)
因為到o左十八歲,係法律上我地就要對自己負責任 (Because once I'm 18, I'm responsible in the name of law)
多餘,唔通十八歲之前,我地就唔洗對自己負責o羊? (BS, so does that mean, before I'm 18, I don't have to be responsible?)
唔通十八歲之前,我就可以隨時撲出馬路: (So before I'm 18, I can rush onto the street)
[我唔信呀,我17歲半o乍,你敢撞死我?] ("I don't believe you, I'm only 17.5, you brave enough to run me over?")
唔通十八歲之,前我o係油麻地踩完個紋身佬一腳,個紋身佬會話: (So before I'm 18, if I stepped onto a foot of a man who has tattoos all over his body, the man will say:)
[死o靚仔,你未夠十八歲,我忍你!] (Punk, you're not 18 yet, I'll be tolerant!)
[唉,十八歲既最大好處,就係你到o左一個合法既做愛年齡.] (Well, the best thing about being 18 is, is that you are legal to have sex)
我想請問,有邊個做愛係因為合法先做o架.(I want to ask, who has sex because it's their legal age?)
我以為大部份人做愛係為o左快感同高潮? (I thought many people who have sex is for the feeling and for the orgasm?)
抑或你想話我聽,十八歲之前做愛係冇高潮o既. (Maybe you wanted to tell me, before you're 18, there's no orgasm when you have sex)
十八歲之前做愛係白做既! (then having sex before 18 is a waste of time!)
o甘樣十八歲就具有特別意義o勒! (if that's the case, then being 18 has more meaning)
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拜年 (New years sayings - during chinese new years, you're supposed to go to other people's house to say good things to them)
呢幾年,拜年既賀詞之中,最流行係邊句? (These few years, there are a few popular sayings)
祝你------不勞而獲.(唔係o卦?) (Hope you... earn something without work, no way?)
恭喜人地發財當然好,但係發財,都要有方法. (Wishing people wealth is good, but getting the wealth.. well needs a tactic)
有邊一個方法,好得過不勞而獲?(係o米) (which tactic is better than, you don't need to work? right)
不勞而獲o既方法就係唔洗方法,唔洗方法就係最好o既方法. (The tactic to Not having to work is you don't need one, if you don't need one, then it's the best tactic)
我地想發財,已經想到到o左一個禪o既景界! (We wanted to get rich, we've already thought about this into a whole new level)
不勞而獲既然可以成為新年賀詞,我期待係未來幾年, (Not having to work and getting rich making into the Chinese best wishes... I wish in the next few years)
我地話人蛇鼠一窩,即係讚佢合群,話人非奸即盜,即係話佢勇敢! (this I don't know how to translate, but it's so funny. He used this line saying "snake/mice together" and he means it as team work, and then something about theft for meaning brave)
o華,真羨慕你呢個家庭,真係蛇鼠一窩非奸盜. (Wow, I admire your whole family - having good team work and brave)
梗係,唔係我地點會陷家富貴! (Of course, if not, how can my whole family be damned)
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用家炒家 (I don't know how to translate this)
好多人結婚,最初就以為自己係婚姻o既用家. (A lot of people get married, at first they thought they were the "user" of the marriage)
後來先發覺自己係感情o既炒家,於是想離婚. (Then they realize that they are gamblers of feelings, so they want a divorce)
但係離婚又要攪幾年,睇住周街都係新盤靚盤, (But you need a few years to get the divorce, so all you see are the newer and better properties)
自己個盤又放唔出,幾難受! (but you can't let go of your own property! How tough!)
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兒童教育 (Kid's education)
我一向都認為,我地成日o厄o的細佬仔,懶係nice o甘對佢地,(I always thought, we're way too nice to the kids)
講到呢個世界乜o野都好好o甘,o甘係唔o岩o既,(何解?) (always saying how good this world is, it's not right, why?)
細個我同媽媽搭飛機,睇見廁所既水係藍色,我未見過, (When I was young, I got onto the airplane with my mom, saw that the toilet bow water is blue, I've never seen it)
咪走去問媽媽o個o的係乜? (I asked my mom why?)
媽媽話:[係天空.] (My mom said, "it's the sky")
所以我就成為世界上第一個食迥天空o既人. (So I became the first one in the world who ate the sky.. - I think that's what he said)
細個的大人成日講童話講白雪公主.(你都聽過啦.!) (When you're young, you heard snow white, you've heard it right?)
佢地講既就係白雪公主又靚又好人,好值得去追求. (They said, Snow white is pretty and a good girl, she's worth it to pursue)
但係冇講到我地唔係白馬王子! (But they didn't say I'm not Prince Charming on a white horse!)
邊個人至係白馬王子呀? (Who is Prince Charming on a white horse?)
起碼有隻白馬啦. (You at least need a white horse)
o甘就即係馬主啦,你係唔係呀? (That means it's the horse onwer, right?)
講o的唔講o的好危險o架. (Just say one bit and not the other is very dangerous)
即係等如你同個細路仔講: (It's like if you tell this kid)
[小明呀,飛出窗口好過引o既,成個香港望o西o架,浮下浮下.....] (Hey, if you fly out the window, you can see HK, you'll just float and float)
但係唔同佢講:[不過你落到下個陣,會快過搭電梯好多!] (But you don't tell the kid, "But once you get really close to the ground, it's going to be faster than the elevator!")
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打架 (Fight)
我唔同人打架既。 (I don't fight with other)
真係，我咁大個人，從來冇同人打過架。 (It's true, up til now, I have never fought with someone)
因為我不嬲覺得，如果你同人打架，如果個個人一睇落去就好打過你，咁無理由咁笨。 (Because I always thought, if you're going to fight with someone, and if you see that person is more fit than you.. well it's just stupid)
咁如果o個個人睇落去已經唔夠你打，而佢都要同你打，咁佢梗係有秘密武器啦。 (but if you look at the person and he's weaker than you, but he still wants to fight you, then he must have some secret weapon)
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讀書 (Going to school - literally, it means reading, but in chinese, it also means going to school)
我讀咁多年書，從來冇一個老師話過俾我聽，讀書係為乜。(I've been to school so many years, never had a teacher tell me, why I have to go to school)
但係我自己識諗，我終於想通：(But I thought about it, I understood)
讀書係為左升班。 (Going to school is to go to the next grade)
但係後來有個阿ｓｉｒ同我地班同學講左句野，又令我再諗過。 (But later on there's a Sir who said something to me and my classmates, which made me think again)
有一日，佢同我地講：「你地成班都唔掂，不如你地成班申請留班讀好Ｄ書啦！」 (That day, he said, "Your whole class is useless, why don't you apply to the school so you can stay in this grade for another year so you can get better grades")
我讀書係為左升班，依家留班係為左讀好Ｄ書...？ (I'm going to school is to get to another grade, now I'm staying the same grade to get better grades?)
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文明 (Civilization)
我一向覺得，人類既歷史上最偉大既三大發現分別係： (I always think, mankind has three great discoveries)
第一：牛頓發現地心吸力。 (First, Newton's Law of Gravity)
第二：愛恩斯坦發現相對論。 (Second, Einstein's Theory of Relativity)
第三：就係唔知邊本雜誌發現自瀆對人體冇害。(Third, don't know which magazine said, masturbation is not harmful to human)
排名不分先後。 (Not in specific order)
http://home4u.hongkong.com/_H4U/education/secondaryschool/weapon/wong.html
愛情 (love)
戀愛唔係Part time，你唔可以話：「愛？做完咪走ｌａｗ！」(Love is not part-time, you can't say, "Love! Once you're finish, you're done")
戀愛係一盤生意，你要二十四小時諗住佢。(Love is a business, you have to think about it 24/7)
自己生意，冇所謂Part time正職。 (My own business, sure no problem, make parttime your full time)
人地放假或者過年過節，你更加要開OT添。(While others take holidays, you have to do over time)
行花市啦行海滂啦睇戲食飯啦...
你有乜野競爭對手呢？(What kind of opponents you have?)
我冇競爭對手既！ (I don't have any!!)
你估你係專利巴士公司呀？ (You think you have the "way"? - meaning, you think you have the girl entirely without putting much effort?)
港巴都執左啦！
有冇考慮結婚？(Have you thought about marriage?)
咁就要向公眾交代，咁就即係上市啦！(That means I have to make it public, that means we're going on the stock market!)
所以，「中學生應否談戀愛」唔係問題，(So, "Should highschool students have relationships?" is not the real question.)
問題係「人類應否有兩份全職工作？」(The question is, "Should mankind have two jobs?")
你再拍拖，需要知會你老闆：(If you want to have a relationship, you need to inform your boss)
「老細，我出面搵左一份戀愛，(Boss, I am finding a relationship)
我真係好需要呢份戀愛gar，(I really need this relationship)
不過公司Ｄ野我會照做，我兼顧到gar la。」(But I will keep doing my job, I can take care of it)
然後你老闆會話：「咁你不如搵多份愛情，咪直情唔駛番呢份工ｌａｗ。 (Then your boss will say, "why don't you find another relationship, then you don't have to do this job".)
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女人偉大 (Women are the greatest)
黃:係愛情之中,女人最偉大! (In a relationship, women are the greatest)
男人o既犧牲,就為o左追求美麗, (Men's sacrifice is to obtain beauty)
而女人o既犧牲,就只係得倒一個麻甩佬! (But the women's sacrifice, is just to get a "jerk")
而最偉大既係佢地根本唔覺得係犧牲. (The greatest thing about them, is that they don't feel it is sacrifice)
如果你話俾一個女人聽,喂,你男朋友有口臭! (If you tell the girl, your b/f has bad breath)
張:車.人梗有局部缺點o既! (Girl: no one is perfect)
黃:佢仲有臭狐同香港腳喎!(Your man has bad BO and Hong Kong foot)
張:咁佢咪好平均咯! (Girl: that's a good balace)
黃:佢鼻鼾聲好勁喎! (His snoring is very loud)
張:我男朋友一定係夢見我,我開心. (Girl: My b/f must be dreaming about me, I'm happy)
黃:佢屙尿亂o甘啡! (He pees all over the place)
張:好壯呀! (Girl: That's strong)
黃:佢唔洗手喎! (He doesn't wash his hands)
張:邊有男人洗手o架! (Girl: which man does?)
黃:我有! (Me!)
張:姆型! (Girl: Fag)
黃:佢重講粗口呀! (He swears)
張:但係佢心地好! (Girl: But he has a good heart)
黃:佢係電梯度食煙喎! (He smokes in the elevator)
張:公眾場合都唔俾食咯,佢咪呢埋一邊食囉,你地重想點呀! (Girl: If he can't smoke in public, he's gonna smoke somewhere else, what else do you want?)
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責任何在? (Whose responsibility?)
如果你話我聽,因為我唔靚仔,所以唔可以做戲, (If you tell me, I'm ugly, that's why I can't be a movie star)
你唔應該話我聽! (Don't tell me)
因為唔關我事,我唔應該負呢個責任,你應該同我父母講, (Because it's not my business, I'm not responsible for it, you should talk to my parents)
係佢地攪成我咁o既. (It's them who make me this way)
如果你要罰,應該罰佢地. (If you're going to punish, you should punish them)
以後,邊個醜樣,就罰佢爸爸,媽媽唔準做戲! (From now on, whoever's ugly, their dad and mom should be punished by not being able to be a movie star)
或者剩係做茄哩啡! (or the background supporting actors)
我唔係一個唔負責任o既人,為我爸爸媽媽果短短一剎o既快感, (I'm not an irresponsible person, just because my dad and mom had the short period of fun)
我已經負責負o左廿幾年. (I already took it for 20 some odd years)
你估做我好易做呀? (You think it's easy to be me?)
我細個讀書唔好,或者唔合格,我冇要父母負責. (When I was young and couldn't pass, I didn't make my parents take the responsibility)
我自己簽晒o的成績表o既, (I signed all the grade reports)
每當我爸爸媽媽有爭執鬧交o既時候, (Whenever my dad and mom fought)
我有冇叫佢地為o左我o既童年著想,忍下對方? (Did I tell them to tolerate each other for the sake of my childhood?)
冇! (No!)
我叫佢地出街鬧! (I told them to fight outside)
我大個O左,唔知應該信邊個宗教,唔知做人為嘜, (When I got older, don't know which religion to follow, don't know why I live)
唔知人生事業o既方向都冇要求又母照顧我 (Don't know where to go with my career, I didn't ask my mom to take care of me)
反而係我調番轉頭,提醒佢地: (In return, I remind them)
你地要搵錢呀,積穀防飢呀,唔係第日老來無依無靠呀! (Remember to make more money, save up, 'cause when you get old, you'll have no one to take care of you)
嘜野都係我! (Everything is me!)
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男仔唔駛靚仔 (Guys don't have to be good looking)
靚仔係唔係真係o甘重要呀? (Is being good looking that important?)
有o的人話男人唔駛靚仔o既,有才華o米得囉. (some said, you don't have to be good looking, you just have to have talent)
係,你有冇試過帶你o既才華去落disco識女仔呀? (Yes, have you ever tried to go down to the disco to meet girls?)
人地o的靚仔一行入去,唔洗二十分鐘,就已經同的女仔互相問問題: (The good looking ones get in, in just 20 min, they already asked the girl:)
[你度定我度?] (Your place or mine?)
我帶住我o既才華入到去,幾難先搵到個女仔肯比個機會我. (I bring my talent into the disco, it's so hard to get a girl to give me a chance)
唔係比機會我交換問題,而係比機會我天才表演. (Not to give me a chance to ask the question, but give me the chance to show my talent)
唱歌跳舞做話劇講大話功夫表演,成套歡樂今宵一個人做一次...... (Sing, dance, perform how to lie, the whole nine yards, one man show performing only once)
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演戲天份 (Acting talent)
我從小就知道,我係一個偉大既演員.(Since I was little, I know I am a great actor)
人地細個成班細路群埋,鐘意玩扮結婚,扮爸爸媽媽. (The other little ones like to get together, play getting married, act as dad and mom)
我細個,就鐘意扮姦夫淫婦. (While I was little, I like to act "adultrous husband and wife")
但係唔知係o米我個樣比較老實,我係從來都無機會扮奸夫. (But I think it's because I'm more honest, I have never acted as the adultrous husband)
每次我都係扮淫婦......既老公. (Everytime, I act as the adultrous wife.... 's husband)
雖然係o甘,雖然,我亦都係全班人之中最細個個. (Even though that's the case, even though I was the youngest in the group)
但係我已經可以將一個妒忌o既男人心態表現得淋漓盡至. (I can portray the jealous man's feelings very well)
當然,我的朋友個個都讚我,話我天生出黎,就係戴綠帽既. (of course, all my friends prasie me, saying that since I was born, I am destined to "wear the green hat" or be cheated on)
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死亡 (Death)
細個o個陣,我係唔怕死o既. (While I was little, I'm not afraid of death)
我覺得,係以前o的人先會死o既. (I think, only the people from before dies)
係歷史書裡面o既人至會死. (It's only the people in History dies)
好多人唔明歷史有嘜用,歷史o米話你聽邊o的人死o左囉. (A lot of people don't understand what history is for, History is to tell you who died)
我從來未睇過一本歷史書有提到黃子華呢個名,我點會死呀. (I have never seen a history book that mentioned the name "Wong Zhi Wa", how could I die?)
最緊要係,就算死都唔係嘜o野一回事. (the important thing is, even if I die, it's nothing)
細個o個陣隔離陳師奶成日叫佢老公:[咁多人去死你仲唔去死?] (While little, the neighbour Mrs. Chan always said to her husband, "So many people die, why don't you die?"
然後去完番o黎,阿陳師奶又會話:[死番o黎勒,唔死多陣添?] (When Mr. Chan comes come, Mrs. Chan would say, "You're home now? (using death in place of going out), why not 'die' for a while longer?)
所以我一路都認為,去死,即係去街,同埋一定唔會去好遠. (So I always thought, to die, is to go out, also, it won't be for long)
因為阿陳生每次都好快就返黎o既. (Because Mr. Chan always came home really fast)
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愛情 (Love)
白雪公主,幾甘純潔無瑕. (Snow white, really pure and white)
但係諗真o的,白雪公主,識得o個個係王子,灰姑娘識o個個又係王子, (but think about it, Snow white, she met a prince. Cinderella, she also met a prince)
有個有特殊嚐好,鐘意錫青蛙o既女人錫o左隻青蛙一啖, (The one who has the weird habbit, the one who likes to kiss the frog, kissed the frog)
隻青蛙變出黎o既又係王子! (the frog changed into, yet, a prince)
有冇人諗過根本個王子係同個人呢? (Has anyone thought that, those princes were the same prince?
根本呢個王子都不知幾花心,周圍溝女. (Actually, this prince is a player, getting different girls)
仲無良到扮青蛙去溝添! (Even worse is that he will even pretend to be a frog!)
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改名 (choose names)
改名,只係o的父母係將自己o既主觀意願套係o的仔女身上. (Choose names, it's the parent's subjective idea placing onto the children)
所以大部份女仔唔係叫美嘜就係麗嘜. (That's why a lot of girls' names are beauty this, beauty that)
男仔唔係叫阿堅,就係阿強,一唔係就叫阿祥. (The boys' names are, strength this, strong that)
o甘我地係o米好美麗,好堅好強好長呢? (So did we grow up to be really beautiful and strong?)
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黑白不明 (Not distingusihing between black and white)
我非常欣賞鄧小平o既「黑貓白貓,捉到老鼠就是好貓.」(I admire Dung Xiao Ping's "black cat, white cat, if it can catch a mouse then it's a good cat"
我老友阿雄個老婆生仔,生左個黑人出o黎,我都係o甘對佢講: (My friend's wife had a kid, gave birth to a black kid, I said the same thing to him)
「黑仔,白仔,快高長大就係你個仔啦!」 (Black kid, white kid, once it grows up then it's your kid)
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失戀 (Getting dumped)
失戀係會令人成長o既. (Getting dumped can make you grow up)
我失戀之前,一向都覺得世界上所有問題都有答案. (Before I got dumped, I always thought there's an answer to everything)
點解我地每日都要8點鐘起身返工呀? (Why do we have to get up to go to work everyday?)
因為夠鐘o羅! ('cause it's time)
點解我地有夠鐘呢樣o野呀? (Why is it time?)
因為我地唔用浮動上班時間o羅. (Because we don't have flexible work time)
點解呢個世界有戰爭? (Why is there war in this world?)
因為我地有武器羅. ('cause we have weapon)
o甘點解我地要有武器呀? (why do we have weapon?)
因為佢地有武器o羅. ('cause they have weapon)
一切都有答案,直到我失戀. (Everything has an answer, until I got dumped)
阿珍,點解你唔愛我? (Jenny, why don't you love me anymore?)
阿珍比o左一個經典既答覆我,佢話: (Jenny gave me this classic answer, she said:)
愛情係冇點解o架,係唔可以解釋o架,唔好問啦.(記緊這句啦) (Love has no answers, you can't explain it, don't ask - remember that)
如果番學阿sir問我o野都可以o甘答就好o勒! (If I go to school and the teacher ask me, it'll be great if I can use this answer)
黃子華,物体燃燒點解需要氧氣呀? (Wong Zhi Wa, why do you need oxygen to make something burn?)
阿sir,係冇點解o架,係唔可以解釋o架,唔好問我啦! (Sir, there's no why, you can't explain it, please don't ask me)
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隆胸 (Boob job)
葉子微簡直為演藝界創下新標準. (Yip Zi Mei - a chinese porn star - set a standard to the performance world)
以後的女仔想做明星,又唔洗睇樣,又唔洗睇演技,去磅啦!!!(加強語氣) (From now on, girls who want to be a star, don't have to look good, or act well, just add pounds - have boob job!)
得入去磅一磅就得o勒. (Stuff it up, and weigh it, done)
[開黎六斤半,片酬係六千五蚊一日,小姐做唔做?] (6.5 lbs, your daily salary is $6500, do you want to do it Miss?)
[開黎八斤有疤痕,八千減一千疤痕費,即係7千蚊一日.] (8lbs with scar (meaning had a bood job), $8000 minus $1000 scar fee, meaning $7000 daily salary.
你話幾客觀呢! (How objective!)
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愛滋論 (AIDS talk)
為何無人提及大陸收番香港呢? (Why doesn't anyone talk about China getting HK back?)
其實即是有愛滋一樣, (It's the same as AIDS)
你係唔係走去驗先, (So you're going to get yourself tested)
我驗o左你係唔係可以醫番好我先, (If I get myself tested, can you cure me?)
唔係o架o麻,我咪唔去驗o羅, (You can't, so I don't get myself tested)
咪當自己無o羅,如果有就等發出來咪死o羅,係咪先?(高半聲!) (I'll just pretend I don't have it, if it comes out, then I just die, right?)
同樣大陸要收番香港這問題都係o架o麻, (It's the same thing as China getting HK back)
係唔係講下佢會唔收先, (If we talk about it, does it mean China is not going to take HK back?)
係唔係我帶安全套佢唔收, (If I put on condom, China won't take HK back?)
我見客又帶,連食飯都帶3個, (I meet my clients I wear one, even having dinner, I put on 3)
唔係啦!!(低半語) (No)
大家來做個大o架粒住香港!! (Why don't we make a big one and cover HK with it!)
唔係架o麻,你講唔講, (It's not like that, whether you talk about it or not)
佢要收就收架啦!! (China still has to take HK back)
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放假 (Vacation)
黃:一般人都會好珍惜每年一度o既年假! (A lot of people treasure this once a year time)
張:今年我要去夏威夷游o下水. (Cheung: This year, I'm going to Hawaii to swim)
黃:如果你決定去夏威夷,你就要預忖出沉重代價!前四後六! (If you want to go to Hawaii, you have to pay big price, Before 4, After 6)
張:我講緊係年假,唔係產假呀,子華!(真係呀....) (Cheung: I'm talking about Vacation, not maternity leave! Sheesh)
黃:前四後六既意思係,係你放假之前個四個禮拜,同你放假之後六個禮拜, (Before 4, After 6 means, The four weeks before and 6 weeks after your vacation)
都要做到仆街!(死未)因為無論你放幾耐假,你o既o野始終係你做番. (you have to work like a dog! Dead yet? 'cause it doesn't matter how long you go for your vacation, whatever is yours to do, you have to do it)
張:係你既始終係你o既! (Cheung: Well, what's yours is yours)
黃:唔單止,放完假,唔係你既都會變成係你o既! (Not just that, once you're done with your vacation, what's not yours is now yours - I think he means you may get fired)
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金勞 (Gold Rolex = Gold Lo)
點解要帶金勞?? (Why wear Gold Lo?)
唔帶勞,有乜資格同人講,時間係寶貴? (If you don't wear Lo, what status do you have to say, my time is prescious?)
我既時間點值錢呀?(你話係唔係先) (How is my time prescious? Well, don't you think?)
o拿,支時針圍住行一個圈,12個鐘,十幾皮o野,即係為皮幾o野一個鐘 (See, the short hand runs one round, 12 hours, $10000, that means a few thousand for an hour)
你一個鐘值幾錢o丫? (How much money does your hour cost?)
幾舊水? (A few hundred?)
我點同你一齊食飯呀,大家時間觀念o甘唔同! (How can we sit together during dinner time? Our views on time is so different)
唔單止o甘,你帶勞,表示你個人有幽默感. (Not only that, if you wear Lo, that means you have humour - or sarcasm)
勞力士,有邊個靠勞力搵食o既人帶得起勞力士o丫? (Rolex, who uses their own hard work can wear Rolex? - The word "hard work" is the same first two chinese characters used for the name Rolex)
越帶勞力士o既人就越表示佢唔洗用勞力! (The people who wears Rolex are the ones who don't need to work hard)
呢D,就叫做幽默感o勒. (This, is called humour/sarcasm)
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女愛情觀 (A girl's view on love)
吳:女仔對愛同鐘意有很大既分別,如果個女仔知道個男仔鐘意佢呢, (A girl's view on like and love are very different. If a girl knows that a guy likes her)
她都會同佢去o下街,睇o下戲,食o下飯,但想做進一步既野就唔得o勒. (She will go out with him, watch a movie, have dinner, but if you want to go one step further, then she won't)
而女仔知道個男仔愛她時係絕對可以付出更多.(But if a girl knows a guy loves her, there is a lot of giving)
在女仔心目中,鐘意等於"幫襯",鋪鋪清唔好找我更多好處,(In a girl's mind, like means 'get your service' - I don't know what that last line is)
但愛在女仔心中等於"收購", (But love in a girls mind means 'to buy the business'
收購包括"注資",以後"合併"......(係呀...係呀!) (To buy the business means "bring the money in", then "merge")
所以女仔要男仔把佢o既愛注資落o黎,把護口注資落o黎,最重要o既係把錢資落o黎. (If a girl needs a guy's love to come in, need the account to come in, then needs to get the money to come in)
然後去買 Joyce啦,Panda 啦,Gueeo啦,買到一身都o係, (then spend it all on Joyce, Pnada, or Gueeo (brand names) from head to toe)
等佢認為可拱固佢自己既價值,但佢地是絕對無得倒男方o既同意架!! (So she thinks she can secure her own value/status that way, but they never had the guy's agreement to begin with)
o拿!!我宜家同你地講呀,你地o既黑箱作業,(Now I'm telling you, whatever you're doing right now)
很容易破壞男方o既經濟o架!!!(你們都很有共鳴o拿) (it's very easy to destroy the men's finance!! you guys agree)
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男愛情觀 (A man's view on love)
吳:男仔對愛就很隨便,愛同鐘意都無分別, (Men's view on love is easy, there's no dif between like and love)
只要佢知道妳鐘意佢,立即可帶妳番屋企,或去妳屋企, (As long as he knows you like him, immediately he can take you back to his place, or your place)
係唔係男仔心中無愛呢?我覺得又唔係o可.(Is it because there's no love in a guy's heart? Well, I don't think so either)
係佢地比其他人更清楚愛o既定義, (They understand the meaning of love more than others)
愛係乜呢?跟耶蘇既講法係: (What is love? As Jesus said:)
愛係恆久忍耐又有恩賜 (Love is tolerance and blessing)
愛係不張狂,不大喚,不作害羞的事 (Love is not drama, not doing something shameful)
忘記別人的錯. (Forget other people's wrong doings)
你話o勒作為小小男人o既我地怎可隨隨便便同你講聲愛呀!! (Being little men like us, how can we easily say "love"?)
所以以後有人同你講愛, (So from now on, if someone say "love" to you)
一就是他講大話(加強語氣),二就是有個耶蘇係你面前呀. (They either must be lying, or Jesus is in front of you)
但耶穌主張愛人如己,博愛o架!!(But Jesus prefers love others as you love yourself, go for it!)
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紅館 (This is a venue in HK where singers have their concerts)
依家做歌星,好犀利,因為有紅磡体育館. (If you are singers now a days, it's easy, 'cause there's the venue)
因為呢樣o野,做歌星,可以o係一晚. (Because of this venue, being a singer, you just need one night)
就賺晒你o地朝九晚五一世人都搵唔到o既錢啦!! (then you can earn the same amount of money as the entire lifetime earnings as those who work 9-5)
o的人話,我真係唔明張國榮點解要退休,(點解?) (Some people say, I don't understand why Leslie Cheung retired, why? - Leslie Cheung actually passed away. He came back to work, and then he commited suicide a while back, this standup comedy was done before that)
佢一晚已經搵o左你一世搵o既野, (He only needs to work one night, then that's your entired lifetime of earing)
佢一晚已經做o左你一世人要做既野, (He only needs to work one night, then he's done all that you ever needed to do in your lifetime)
仲有乜野可以做呀?? (What else is there to do?)
唔退休做乜? (Why not retire?)
做五場,已經輪迴五次! (Perform 5 times, reborn 5 times)
做三十場,輪迴三十次,如來佛祖都話:洗唔洗??? (Perform 30 times, reborn 30 times, - then it's some budda talk)
o的人話,唔係既,佢唔拾得退休既!佢最後個場演唱會,佢自己都o咸o架. (Some people said, nah, he misses! He cried during his last show)
佢係o咸,不過唔係為自己o咸,o係為o左你o地o咸呀: (Yeah he cried, but hed wasn't crying for himself, he cried for you)
[我就退休勒,我聽日就唔洗DO勒,.你地聽日仲要番九點,唔好遲到呀!!] (I'm retiring, I don't have to DO (work) tomorrow, you still have to go to work at 9, don't be late!)
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迷惘 (Lost)
o係公司,老闆會同我講: (In the office, my boss said to me)
[你番o黎唔係訓就o係去廁所,你當呢度係屋企呀,呢度係公司呀.] (Why are you here if all you do is sleep and go to washroom, where do you think you are at home? It's the office)
我番到屋企,阿媽又會話: (I go home, and my mom said)
[你仲當呢到係你屋企咩,你番o黎唔係霸住個廁所就剩係識訓!] (You still pretend this is home? All you do is hog the washroom and know how to sleep)
[o甘...o甘我番屋企又唔訓覺又唔去廁所,番公司又唔去廁所唔訓,o甘我呢o的o野去邊到做呀?] (Then.. If I go home and can't go to sleep and can't go to washroom, and if I go to the office and can't go to washroom and can't go to sleep, then where am I supposed to do these things?)
不過後o黎我諗過自己又係過份o的o既,於是我就痛改前非. (But, after I reflected upon these, I have changed)
以後番屋企我就剩係訓覺,番公司就剩係去廁所. (From now on, when I go home I sleep, when I go to the office I go to washroom)
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十八歲 (18 yo)
點解十八歲先至係合法年齡呢? (Why is 18 the legal age?)
因為到o左十八歲,係法律上我地就要對自己負責任 (Because once I'm 18, I'm responsible in the name of law)
多餘,唔通十八歲之前,我地就唔洗對自己負責o羊? (BS, so does that mean, before I'm 18, I don't have to be responsible?)
唔通十八歲之前,我就可以隨時撲出馬路: (So before I'm 18, I can rush onto the street)
[我唔信呀,我17歲半o乍,你敢撞死我?] ("I don't believe you, I'm only 17.5, you brave enough to run me over?")
唔通十八歲之,前我o係油麻地踩完個紋身佬一腳,個紋身佬會話: (So before I'm 18, if I stepped onto a foot of a man who has tattoos all over his body, the man will say:)
[死o靚仔,你未夠十八歲,我忍你!] (Punk, you're not 18 yet, I'll be tolerant!)
[唉,十八歲既最大好處,就係你到o左一個合法既做愛年齡.] (Well, the best thing about being 18 is, is that you are legal to have sex)
我想請問,有邊個做愛係因為合法先做o架.(I want to ask, who has sex because it's their legal age?)
我以為大部份人做愛係為o左快感同高潮? (I thought many people who have sex is for the feeling and for the orgasm?)
抑或你想話我聽,十八歲之前做愛係冇高潮o既. (Maybe you wanted to tell me, before you're 18, there's no orgasm when you have sex)
十八歲之前做愛係白做既! (then having sex before 18 is a waste of time!)
o甘樣十八歲就具有特別意義o勒! (if that's the case, then being 18 has more meaning)
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拜年 (New years sayings - during chinese new years, you're supposed to go to other people's house to say good things to them)
呢幾年,拜年既賀詞之中,最流行係邊句? (These few years, there are a few popular sayings)
祝你------不勞而獲.(唔係o卦?) (Hope you... earn something without work, no way?)
恭喜人地發財當然好,但係發財,都要有方法. (Wishing people wealth is good, but getting the wealth.. well needs a tactic)
有邊一個方法,好得過不勞而獲?(係o米) (which tactic is better than, you don't need to work? right)
不勞而獲o既方法就係唔洗方法,唔洗方法就係最好o既方法. (The tactic to Not having to work is you don't need one, if you don't need one, then it's the best tactic)
我地想發財,已經想到到o左一個禪o既景界! (We wanted to get rich, we've already thought about this into a whole new level)
不勞而獲既然可以成為新年賀詞,我期待係未來幾年, (Not having to work and getting rich making into the Chinese best wishes... I wish in the next few years)
我地話人蛇鼠一窩,即係讚佢合群,話人非奸即盜,即係話佢勇敢! (this I don't know how to translate, but it's so funny. He used this line saying "snake/mice together" and he means it as team work, and then something about theft for meaning brave)
o華,真羨慕你呢個家庭,真係蛇鼠一窩非奸盜. (Wow, I admire your whole family - having good team work and brave)
梗係,唔係我地點會陷家富貴! (Of course, if not, how can my whole family be damned)
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用家炒家 (I don't know how to translate this)
好多人結婚,最初就以為自己係婚姻o既用家. (A lot of people get married, at first they thought they were the "user" of the marriage)
後來先發覺自己係感情o既炒家,於是想離婚. (Then they realize that they are gamblers of feelings, so they want a divorce)
但係離婚又要攪幾年,睇住周街都係新盤靚盤, (But you need a few years to get the divorce, so all you see are the newer and better properties)
自己個盤又放唔出,幾難受! (but you can't let go of your own property! How tough!)
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兒童教育 (Kid's education)
我一向都認為,我地成日o厄o的細佬仔,懶係nice o甘對佢地,(I always thought, we're way too nice to the kids)
講到呢個世界乜o野都好好o甘,o甘係唔o岩o既,(何解?) (always saying how good this world is, it's not right, why?)
細個我同媽媽搭飛機,睇見廁所既水係藍色,我未見過, (When I was young, I got onto the airplane with my mom, saw that the toilet bow water is blue, I've never seen it)
咪走去問媽媽o個o的係乜? (I asked my mom why?)
媽媽話:[係天空.] (My mom said, "it's the sky")
所以我就成為世界上第一個食迥天空o既人. (So I became the first one in the world who ate the sky.. - I think that's what he said)
細個的大人成日講童話講白雪公主.(你都聽過啦.!) (When you're young, you heard snow white, you've heard it right?)
佢地講既就係白雪公主又靚又好人,好值得去追求. (They said, Snow white is pretty and a good girl, she's worth it to pursue)
但係冇講到我地唔係白馬王子! (But they didn't say I'm not Prince Charming on a white horse!)
邊個人至係白馬王子呀? (Who is Prince Charming on a white horse?)
起碼有隻白馬啦. (You at least need a white horse)
o甘就即係馬主啦,你係唔係呀? (That means it's the horse onwer, right?)
講o的唔講o的好危險o架. (Just say one bit and not the other is very dangerous)
即係等如你同個細路仔講: (It's like if you tell this kid)
[小明呀,飛出窗口好過引o既,成個香港望o西o架,浮下浮下.....] (Hey, if you fly out the window, you can see HK, you'll just float and float)
但係唔同佢講:[不過你落到下個陣,會快過搭電梯好多!] (But you don't tell the kid, "But once you get really close to the ground, it's going to be faster than the elevator!")
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打架 (Fight)
我唔同人打架既。 (I don't fight with other)
真係，我咁大個人，從來冇同人打過架。 (It's true, up til now, I have never fought with someone)
因為我不嬲覺得，如果你同人打架，如果個個人一睇落去就好打過你，咁無理由咁笨。 (Because I always thought, if you're going to fight with someone, and if you see that person is more fit than you.. well it's just stupid)
咁如果o個個人睇落去已經唔夠你打，而佢都要同你打，咁佢梗係有秘密武器啦。 (but if you look at the person and he's weaker than you, but he still wants to fight you, then he must have some secret weapon)
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讀書 (Going to school - literally, it means reading, but in chinese, it also means going to school)
我讀咁多年書，從來冇一個老師話過俾我聽，讀書係為乜。(I've been to school so many years, never had a teacher tell me, why I have to go to school)
但係我自己識諗，我終於想通：(But I thought about it, I understood)
讀書係為左升班。 (Going to school is to go to the next grade)
但係後來有個阿ｓｉｒ同我地班同學講左句野，又令我再諗過。 (But later on there's a Sir who said something to me and my classmates, which made me think again)
有一日，佢同我地講：「你地成班都唔掂，不如你地成班申請留班讀好Ｄ書啦！」 (That day, he said, "Your whole class is useless, why don't you apply to the school so you can stay in this grade for another year so you can get better grades")
我讀書係為左升班，依家留班係為左讀好Ｄ書...？ (I'm going to school is to get to another grade, now I'm staying the same grade to get better grades?)
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文明 (Civilization)
我一向覺得，人類既歷史上最偉大既三大發現分別係： (I always think, mankind has three great discoveries)
第一：牛頓發現地心吸力。 (First, Newton's Law of Gravity)
第二：愛恩斯坦發現相對論。 (Second, Einstein's Theory of Relativity)
第三：就係唔知邊本雜誌發現自瀆對人體冇害。(Third, don't know which magazine said, masturbation is not harmful to human)
排名不分先後。 (Not in specific order)
http://home4u.hongkong.com/_H4U/education/secondaryschool/weapon/wong.html