broken but not shattered.
i haven't had a chance to just let go in a while, so now that i'm free at work and i am semi interested in writing my thoughts i'll do just that.
jenn and i are no longer friends. we have known each other 6 long years and have been through so much but it's run it's course. i don't stay friends with people for very long, and i would say it's me but it's not. aside from jenn and nicole i haven't had any friends much longer than a couple of years. i don't talk to nicole that often, and the fact that she's "in love" with me has made me question her friendship intentions in the past. regardless, she has always been there for me when i've needed her, to unload on or cuddle with... jenn hasn't. she's certainly shown her true colors in the last few days, and the last few months leading up to the end.
last night on the phone she unleashed a rage i've never seen from her and told me 'fuck you'. we've said it i'm sure, but never like this... never like she really meant it. all the while, her live in shouting in the background... something about towing my car after offering to let me keep it there. whatever. we can call everything a big misunderstanding... but what i cannot is how i have been treated by someone so close to me, someone i consider family.
i wrote her a letter early morning yesterday before any more shit had gone down... explaining to her my views and how i could not keep our friendship afloat one-sided. i've voiced concern to her, as you well know if you read my journal and i haven't received any kind of anything. no change in her actions or idea of our friendship. no offer to hang out, no concern for a solid friendship any more.
i thought after the explosion last night i would tear the letter up, but i want her to have it. i still feel the same and even though she most likely will dispose of it herself, i can be fine knowing i at least tried to say my peace. i can blame it all on the relationship she now holds dearest, but it comes down to her and i - what she sees important. what she doesn't realize is that this time is one time too many. you can only say i'm sorry to me so many times before i say good bye to you.
maybe the last few months has made me a bit numb to the situation. losing a good friend considered family is much like death in a way, at least it feels like it. i am also sorta glad we haven't been close for months, it makes it a wee bit easier. i never thought she would react the way she has, i never thought she would take sides, i never thought she would betray and hurt me. i never ever EVER thought she would see me in pain and turn her back to me the way she has for months on end.
i cannot blame any one but her... and i will no longer allow a painful anything in my life.
jenn and i are no longer friends. we have known each other 6 long years and have been through so much but it's run it's course. i don't stay friends with people for very long, and i would say it's me but it's not. aside from jenn and nicole i haven't had any friends much longer than a couple of years. i don't talk to nicole that often, and the fact that she's "in love" with me has made me question her friendship intentions in the past. regardless, she has always been there for me when i've needed her, to unload on or cuddle with... jenn hasn't. she's certainly shown her true colors in the last few days, and the last few months leading up to the end.
last night on the phone she unleashed a rage i've never seen from her and told me 'fuck you'. we've said it i'm sure, but never like this... never like she really meant it. all the while, her live in shouting in the background... something about towing my car after offering to let me keep it there. whatever. we can call everything a big misunderstanding... but what i cannot is how i have been treated by someone so close to me, someone i consider family.
i wrote her a letter early morning yesterday before any more shit had gone down... explaining to her my views and how i could not keep our friendship afloat one-sided. i've voiced concern to her, as you well know if you read my journal and i haven't received any kind of anything. no change in her actions or idea of our friendship. no offer to hang out, no concern for a solid friendship any more.
i thought after the explosion last night i would tear the letter up, but i want her to have it. i still feel the same and even though she most likely will dispose of it herself, i can be fine knowing i at least tried to say my peace. i can blame it all on the relationship she now holds dearest, but it comes down to her and i - what she sees important. what she doesn't realize is that this time is one time too many. you can only say i'm sorry to me so many times before i say good bye to you.
maybe the last few months has made me a bit numb to the situation. losing a good friend considered family is much like death in a way, at least it feels like it. i am also sorta glad we haven't been close for months, it makes it a wee bit easier. i never thought she would react the way she has, i never thought she would take sides, i never thought she would betray and hurt me. i never ever EVER thought she would see me in pain and turn her back to me the way she has for months on end.
i cannot blame any one but her... and i will no longer allow a painful anything in my life.