Ehhh
so yeah i'm gonna update i guess...i must be bored enough or something. last night was fun and interesting...for those of you who WERE there they should know what i'm talking about...I really hate my parents right now...they are making me do shit i don't wanna do...like go to dinner with them to their friends house...yippy yippy yeay yeay...i had to go to the store with my mom today and to another one of their friends house what fun! my dad is pissing me off because he thinks i'm becoming a goth only he can't say it to my face my mom has to tell me...plus he keeps telling me that he's proud of me and shit about volleyball and yet he can't even attempt to make it to some of my games or even attempt to help me outside of volleyball practice even though i've asked him...what a great father...plus he keeps yelling at me because aparently its my fault we don't have that much money anymore and we can't pay our fucking bills so now he works all the time and blames it all on me on the fact that he is never home and always at work. then he tells me that i'm not trying hard enough with my school work even though he doesn't even know that i actually am trying...and the other day when i tried being nice with like helping out with the dog and dinner and cleaning he yelled at me because i didn't do it right...what the fuck is there to mess up!!!??? Then my sisters are all on my case...mackenzie because i'm not trying hard enough to look like a girl, meagan because she is just being the normal bitch she is and can't keep her mouth shut about anything and that i need to grow up and act more like her well i'm sorry but if i ever start acting like her please somebody shoot me cause i should be shot! alicia because i'm not helping out mom and dad enough so its putting stress on them plus she is yelling at me that i can't take good pictures because the ones i did in photography suck...well what the fuck does she know!? Then i'm getting aggitated with one of my friends because they are totally ignoring two of their friends...and then mike isn't helping situations at all...i mean fuck wouldn't u think he'd at least try to come to a few of my volleyball games or at least go with me to the football game so he can actually see me this weekend but NO!!! That would be wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much to ask for now wouldn't it? I mean he can eat dinner late or early one night to see me play but i guess thats asking a little much. I just wanna get away from all this stress of school, parents, sister, friends, boyfriends...but now i have no where to go. I can't go to my old get away because i just can't anymore and i don't have anyother way of going anywhere else. I will be getting away for like 2-4 days at the end of september but i'll be getting away with my mom, the twins, alicia, and alyson. What a great get away...not!!! I just don't know how much more of this i can take...i mean i can only do sssssssssssooooooooooooooo much to try to get this shit off my mind. I'm sorry but i'm not gonna work out longer than i have been just to try to get this off my mind cuz that is all that has been working lately cuz i'm taking my anger out on my body and i don't wanna over do it but i dunno maybe thats the only option i've got...who knows...I have a team dinner tomorrow night that i'm not looking forward to, i have to go to church tomorrow morning and youth group starts up again...fun fun...plus its the twins' 20th b-day tomorrow (SCARY AS FUCK!!!) so i have to be nice to them and watch everyone eat because i don't eat chicken and thats what we are having! YEAY YEAY so i'll probably just eat at the dinner but my luck i won't eat that food either. hell by the time volleyball is over i'll be down to eating like one meal a day...i mean if i keep leaving my id at home and not eating dinner cuz dinner is nasty that leaves breakfast which i miss half the time anyway...sounds like a plan to me! I'm so annoyed with everything now...like everything just isn't right! i mean i can't do anything right, nothing seems to be the way it used to be...i just wanna go back to when i was a kid when the only worry you had was if you were gonna get in trouble for something as small as leaving a toy in the front yard...if only we could be that care free again and not have to deal with the fucking preps, jocks, geeks, teachers, man i'd be so happy...and yet i wouldn't be but you know what...i give up i'll just walk around not caring anymore cuz what is there to care about?? Nothing is worth the time anymore it seems like...so unless you can give me one good thing to care about i'm careless...I just don't know if anything is even worth my time anymore...i just seem to piss everyone off. thats all i'm good for anymore...is pissing people off. they should make a job out of that...pissing people off. I'd be the perfect person for the job. Why do i keep doing this...i should be happier than what i am...i mean i'm on a volleyball team so thats good...i'm going to miss two days of school because i'm going to chicago for aly's $300 photo shoot so thats good, i'm not sick so thats good, none of my family is in Iraq so thats good, i'm no longer not able to play because of an injury so thats good, none of my friends are dying (that i know of) so thats good,I still have my job so thats good, i have a boyfriend so thats good i guess...but why am i so unhappy?? I can't seem to figure this out...i don't know why i feel the way i do. I should be happy...i have both of my parents still together, my parents aren't alcoholics, my sisters aren't in trouble with the law, i don't have a kid or the burden of an abortion on my hands, i have a beautiful niece, i have some great friends...and yet for some reason something is keeping me from being happy about all those things...and i can't figure out what it is or why! I am tired of laying in bed at night wondering what would happen if i died in my sleep, or if i died the next day in a school shooting or in a car accident,or if i died in the hospital bed from an asthma attack during volleyball, or if i died because i did get pregnant and i didn't get an abortion and there were complications and i died...those things keep coming to mind and i can't stop it...I'm just so lost and confused...I wanna be myself again...i wanna be the person i was so long ago...but i can't seem to make that happen...i just can't