whats in my head..."venting"

[monikikis]

ok yeah...ill admit it, i'm used to the easy way through life cuz i like enjoying life, i'll admit i havent had to work for many things in my life cuz things have always been handed to me, but now that i have to its kinda scary all the responsabilities i'm going to have to overtake, actually very scary for me, i have this huge fear of failure...i understand some people enjoy working and staying busy, but i like not having my planner filled with things to do. but i also hate my parents paying for me to live in my apt this summer, worrying on how and when exactly i'm going to pay them back after they had to dish out ALOTA money for my eldest brother for his graduation and europe trip. It is my fault cuz i spent my time waiting and hoping financial aid would send me a check to pay for summer, which it didnt, cuz i used all my money up during fall and spring. see again being spoiled and not having to work for things. yes thats my fault that i have to pay them back cuz i waited so long to get a job, and it conflicts with my hate to ask for money...a position i put myself in (which makes me mad at myself). it's not only rent i'm worried about, but gorceries through those months, gas prices going up, a stupid book im going to have to buy, i just finished paying for defensive driving, and still wanting to go out with the one group of friends who actually invite me out these days (which im very thankful for cuz without them i'd never leave my house). I do think about camille every day and what happened that night. it changed how i view life and how it can come and go at anytime so easily, and how much pain so many people go through when it does. Living in fear of ever having to go through something like that again. i hate worrying about my friends when im not with them in fear of losing another one. and now that fear of losing a friend has spread into a fear of losing my family...i worry about everyone that means something to me. i hate that i spend the majority of my days alone and all those people i do care about are out living their lives without me in them and dont seem to care that i'm not there. seeing that i'm not as important to them as i once was and how they dont need me as much as they used to, but as we grow older i guess that happens. But still every night before i go to bed i thank God every day for them, in hopes that He leads all of them to do what is best in their lives, and if that means me not being in their lives as much as i used to, then so be it, i just hope for the best for them. i thank God for my family cuz without them i wouldnt have anyone else to go out of their way to talk to me just to see how my day went, to worry about me, and are willing to talk to me about my problems cuz they do care about me and understand i do have problems of my own even though i dont always show it. cuz if you dont ask, how would you know. without them i would be nothing. My life that i live may look to be SIMPLE and it may look like i dont do anything, but trust me just cuz you dont see my life as complicated or easy, try looking inside my head. i feel like an annoyance, like i can never do anything right or the right thing anymore. i used to love to please people and make them happy, or just at least make them smile, and it seems like as the days go by it gets harder and harder to do that...
sorry that was so long...i guess i just needed to vent...