Answers
All I want is to know what the "right answer" is. I cannot seem to accept that there is no one answer that is right and all others are wrong. Even while typing this, I'm trying to figure out what I think I must be most needing to do. I go to church and it reminds me that I need to stop worrying about all of the different parts of my life, because they're secondary, but as soon as I'm gone I'm thinking about them all over again.
Logically, I think I should stay here until sometime this summer, and then move to Tulsa. But then, also logically, I remember how frustrated I am here so often and think I should move to Tulsa now. Then I think about how running away from problems is bad and so I should stay. But then I think about how unproductive I'm feeling here, and maybe if I got away I could be a bit more productive. It just keeps going around and around and around and I'm thinking myself to death and my brain is so confused I don't know what emotions I'm actually feeling. I want someone to give me the answer, but then when they do I think about their biases and why they might give me that reason, so I don't accept it. Or they tell me it's something I just have to figure out for myself. Which is true. I'm just terrified of making the wrong decision.
Part of me really wants to mess up big time somehow, just so I can see that life goes on anyway. But then I start in with the "what if...?"s.
Logically, I think I should stay here until sometime this summer, and then move to Tulsa. But then, also logically, I remember how frustrated I am here so often and think I should move to Tulsa now. Then I think about how running away from problems is bad and so I should stay. But then I think about how unproductive I'm feeling here, and maybe if I got away I could be a bit more productive. It just keeps going around and around and around and I'm thinking myself to death and my brain is so confused I don't know what emotions I'm actually feeling. I want someone to give me the answer, but then when they do I think about their biases and why they might give me that reason, so I don't accept it. Or they tell me it's something I just have to figure out for myself. Which is true. I'm just terrified of making the wrong decision.
Part of me really wants to mess up big time somehow, just so I can see that life goes on anyway. But then I start in with the "what if...?"s.