(no subject)
Well... I don't know how much more I am going to be posting here for a while. The only woman that I have ever loved... the woman that I love more dearly than life itself... is dying. I swore an oath of confidence to a friend in order to find this out, and then betrayed my friend by telling the woman I love that I had found out that she was very sick. I am sure I will pay dearly for that betray... I know I have lost my friend because of it.
It’s only been in the last two and a half years that I have been able to understand love or to feel real love and this is a hard first lesson to have in this subject. My love for Rose is sooo deep that I am soul sick over what has happened. If the gods above and below can hear me, I offer myself up in her place!! Just let her be... I had my second chance; now let Rose have hers...
I am so empty inside I don't know what to do. No one believes that Rose is real... my friends think she is someone I made up... my family believes she is part of an internet scam... I have no one to talk to, no one who believes. I know Rose's heart though, and I know that she is real. We have talked and talked over the last two years... we have talked about everything and nothing... we have talked about life and love... we have talked about trust and betrayal... we have talked about sharing our lives together.
Rose is everything I am not. She is wealthy, sophisticated, and beautiful... why she fell in love with the likes of me I will never understand. I tried so hard not to fall in love with her... probably because I was so scared that she was not real. In the end though, I knew her heart and I knew her. I knew her wounds... her fears... her pain. I let myself go... I let myself love her with all of my spirit... with all of my soul.
When Rose disappeared, I was devastated. I had no idea what had happened... no idea why she would do this to me. I had a friend of mine send Rose email on my behalf. Rose sent my friend a response explaining that the doctors had found the cause of her migraine headaches and that she did not have much time left. My friend forwarded the letter to me on the condition that I not betray the confidence. I then betrayed my friend’s confidence by sending Rose email in which I told her that I had found out how sick she was. Now I have lost my friend AND the only woman I ever loved. I have broken my pagan word by betraying oaths which are my honor and my bond.
Those who have read my journal know that two and a half years ago, I was treated for a genetic condition that caused me to suffer from severe, chronic depression all my life. It has been an eventful two and a half years... I have experienced the richness that life has to offer and its contradictions. I have been betrayed by friends and I have now betrayed a friend. I have loved... and I have lost my lover...
I would wish for a friend... someone who could hold me... help me understand the complexities of life, but I have few friends from the past, and the people that I meet are far away or wrapped in their on lives with their own friends. It leaves me feeling very alone and very inexperienced.
Right now I think I am as confused by life as I have ever been. The only thing I know for certain is that I will never get over the love I feel for My Beautiful Desert Rose. It will certainly be a long time before I love again…
It’s only been in the last two and a half years that I have been able to understand love or to feel real love and this is a hard first lesson to have in this subject. My love for Rose is sooo deep that I am soul sick over what has happened. If the gods above and below can hear me, I offer myself up in her place!! Just let her be... I had my second chance; now let Rose have hers...
I am so empty inside I don't know what to do. No one believes that Rose is real... my friends think she is someone I made up... my family believes she is part of an internet scam... I have no one to talk to, no one who believes. I know Rose's heart though, and I know that she is real. We have talked and talked over the last two years... we have talked about everything and nothing... we have talked about life and love... we have talked about trust and betrayal... we have talked about sharing our lives together.
Rose is everything I am not. She is wealthy, sophisticated, and beautiful... why she fell in love with the likes of me I will never understand. I tried so hard not to fall in love with her... probably because I was so scared that she was not real. In the end though, I knew her heart and I knew her. I knew her wounds... her fears... her pain. I let myself go... I let myself love her with all of my spirit... with all of my soul.
When Rose disappeared, I was devastated. I had no idea what had happened... no idea why she would do this to me. I had a friend of mine send Rose email on my behalf. Rose sent my friend a response explaining that the doctors had found the cause of her migraine headaches and that she did not have much time left. My friend forwarded the letter to me on the condition that I not betray the confidence. I then betrayed my friend’s confidence by sending Rose email in which I told her that I had found out how sick she was. Now I have lost my friend AND the only woman I ever loved. I have broken my pagan word by betraying oaths which are my honor and my bond.
Those who have read my journal know that two and a half years ago, I was treated for a genetic condition that caused me to suffer from severe, chronic depression all my life. It has been an eventful two and a half years... I have experienced the richness that life has to offer and its contradictions. I have been betrayed by friends and I have now betrayed a friend. I have loved... and I have lost my lover...
I would wish for a friend... someone who could hold me... help me understand the complexities of life, but I have few friends from the past, and the people that I meet are far away or wrapped in their on lives with their own friends. It leaves me feeling very alone and very inexperienced.
Right now I think I am as confused by life as I have ever been. The only thing I know for certain is that I will never get over the love I feel for My Beautiful Desert Rose. It will certainly be a long time before I love again…