so this is my first time
Title: Because It Sucks But I did it Anyway
Pairing: Jinru of course but if you squint your eyes, you'll see Junda and a slight hint of Kokame
Notes: this is my first fic so it's too cheesy (lol) it hasn't been edited so forgive me if it has a lot of mistakes, could you inform me if you find them, they're just hiding out there.
Warning: this fic is a hopeless romantic-ish so sorry, i'll write a pron next time
POV: First person (maru)
Disclaimer: I don't own these boys. Nor do I think that these incidents are true, but I really won't mind if they were. Some of the lines in this fic are from the translations of magazine articles and interviews.
Under the star-filled sky, I cried my eyes out.
It was believed that the lamentations of the heart, once whispered into the wind, are carried into the heavens. The sky then sends rain that the grieving soul may find comfort. It drenches the flesh that the child's tears may be no more and the pain the heart carries be washed away.
If only I can bathe in the rain forever. I need to be numb. If only I can bask under this cold shower until my soul grows calm; just enough time until I can smile beside him again.
=-=-=-=-=
Finally, a night all to myself, with a pen in hand, I start to scribble my thoughts.
"Yuichi, open up?" a loud voice startled me out of my creative trance. "I know you're in there," he continued followed by sharp knocks on the door.
"Coming!" just when I'm all hyped up. "What are you doing here?" I asked upon seeing who came to disturb my peace.
He just smiled and went past me - Jin being him and all. What do I expect?
I close the door behind me. "So, what brings you here? This is one of our few day offs you know." He just pretended not to hear me. Instead, he lodged himself on the couch.
"I give up," he declared.
"Ya right," I muttered as I fetched a few drinks and a couple of snacks. "I've heard that one before."
It had always been like this. He gets into a relationship with a person he fancied. They fight; often, it's because the other party can't tolerate his childishness; he's too straightforward and outright stubborn for their liking. He then talks to me. I, in turn, become the world's shock-absorber and instant stand-up comedian. But I can't leave him as he is. I can't shove him away. He easily gets lonely and I pity to see him in that state. Plus, he already grew on me so I really don't mind anymore.
"It's gonna be along night then?" he just smirked. "So what happened?" I asked as I opened a bottle, marking the beginning of the conversation - one that's been heard too many times. Yet, I listened to him like the good 'living diary' that I am.
After a few more bottles and snacks, a whole lot of talking, laughing and whining, he ended up sleeping on the couch. He looked contended; he easily recovers. I can't help but smile as I knelt beside him.
"You really are stupid. I'm just here you know? Why do you have to go after them and end up like this? Then, I end up grieving with you?" I muttered as I stroked his hair.
'Where the hell did that come from?!'
I quickly snatched my hand away upon the realization of what just slipped from my mouth. I tried to reason out, "It's just the booze talking."
'We're just friends. Right?'
=-=-=-=-=-=
1998, 2nd day of audition
"Are my eyes swollen?"
'Who the hell is he? How am I supposed to know what his normal eyes look like?'
"Yeah, a bit."
'What a jerk.'
--------------------writer's bloc---------------------
So that was the first chapter. I edited some parts. After rereading it, I found a lot of errors. Gawd I'm really poor in grammar. Sorry if I still left out some. I know it's kind of sad; I'll try my best not to write anything this depressing anymore after finishing this lot.
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"You're too close. You're breathing on me," I shoved him away. "I'm trying to read a book."
"What? Why? I'm trying to read too."
"It's annoying. GO find your own book."
With that, he walked away irritated. He then slumped on the nearest chair and displayed him most guilt-inflicting pout - damn, it gets to me every time. I walked to him, a smirk forming on his face. He won again.
"Bakanishi!" I turned as I make a grab for his collarbone. "Ha!" I beamed. He looked annoyed. We ended up running around the room, much to other's annoyance.
"You're too noisy," Tatsuya shouted, obviously annoyed from being woken from his nap.
We just giggled in response. "What is it this time? What'd we do? You don't have to be all worked up," Jin answered back.
"Then stop bickering and fooling around like lovers," Tatsuya scolded.
"As if that's gonna happen. It's Yuichi we're talking about," he answered in his matter-of-fact tone. "If it's you, I might consider hahaha..." he trailed off as he made his way to tease Tatsuya.
"Oi!" Junno suddenly piped in, noticing something other than the game he was playing. Eyes turned to him.
"Just now, Junno had that Ueda-is-mine look on his face neh?" teased Kame who finally broke the conversation between him and Koki.
"You guys an item huh. Junno, you're too easy," Koki chimed in.
Tatsuya turned a bright shade of pink then gave them a scowl which made Koki, Kame and Jin burst out in giggles. Junno gave his trademark smile before turning to me. "Yuichi, are you alright? You look pale."
Normally, I would've made fun of them already, but right then, I felt cold. Everything was lost in oblivion. It felt like a gallon of ice-cold water had just been splashed straight to my face. Right then, I needed to be alone.
I nodded to him in reply. "I'll be outside if you need me." I forced a smile and left. It was a lame excuse. but during that time, anything that could get me out of the room was good enough.
I headed for the balcony, taking long strides while keeping my tears at bay. I don't know what got into me. Usually, I'd be dismissing the thought and be all giddy again. But it hurts to hear him say that.
'I'll never be good enough.' Damn, I'm pathetic! I'm a guy for Pete's sake, I shouldn't be even thinking about this. "You're friends, period." I spoke out loud, as if saying it would make a difference. I spoke as if trying to convince my heart to stop being weird.
"He got to you then?" Junno spoke, startling me. I hurriedly wiped my tears and put on a smile.
"Do you need anything?" I asked, trying to be as innocent-sounding as I can be.
"Even the best liar can't pull that off. Besides, I already knew. We've been friends long enough for me to tell," he spoke as he brought my head to his shoulder; I end up crying like a girl.
"Why didn't I just fell for you Jun-chan?" I spoke in between sobs.
"Tat-chan would kill you if he heard that." I smiled; thank God I had friends there.
After a lot of tears and whining, I finally calmed down. "So you guys are really together then, you and Tat-chan I mean?" I asked, intrigued by his statement earlier.
He just smiled at me. "We should go back," he suggested instead. "I don't want Tat-chan worrying again." We made our way back to the room. He gave an encouraging look before opening the door. I took a deep breath.
"Oi Yuichi, where’ve you been? You didn't come back so I ate your food."
"Baka!"
'Sigh, here we go again.'
If this is the only way to be beside you, then let it be. If only through this can I be part of your life, then by all means, I will do it. As long as I can keep the waves from breaking the dam, I'll be fine.
'Don't worry, I'm right here. As long as you need me, I'll be by your side.'
--------------------writer's bloc----------------------
I'm having quite a hard time with the next chapters.
I know what I want to achieve but I can't get there.
Was it ok?
Well as long as at least a person reads this,
I think I'll keep on writing.
I have to finish it anyway.
I don't want to leave anything hanging.
So here it goes. Sigh....
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"I'm going to LA to study English." All the laughter and chatting that had filled the room died down as five pairs of eyes turn to look at Jin. When no one spoke, he leaned on the wall and continued before anyone could raise an objection. "I'll be back after the end of the semester. I already talked to the administration regarding my hiatus and they gave me the go signal, I'd be having a press conference on the 13th."
No one spoke. Everyone was bewildered. I froze on my chair, the news hitting me like a hard-kicked soccer ball that made its goal. Nothing registered in my head after his first few words. Everything seemed distant, hollow, and unreal.
"It's not funny. Drop the act." Koki was first to break the silence. He dropped into a chair trying to stop him from breaking into an outburst.
"I'm not kidding," he meekly replied. "Neither do I lie."
"What the hell are you talking about?" spoke Tatsuya who already lost his temper. "What are you thinking?"
"Tat-chan, calm down." Junno interjected as he placed a comforting hand on Tatsuya's shoulder. "Let him explain."
"No!" Tatsuya shouted. "What about KAT-TUN? All your friends, fans?" He had already started pacing back and forth to relieve the tension that was building up.
"It's not as if I'm gonna be gone forever. I just need enough time to study English. I'm gonna be back in no time," he tried explaining.
"But we've just debuted. It had just been six months. We can't afford to lose a member during these times," Kame argued. "You're the one who kept pushing us to work harder. You're the one who literally shoves us new ideas then now, you're leaving? What the hell has gone up to your head? You're the front man and you know that. The hell, we all know that. KAT-TUN isn’t KAT-TUN if we're not six." Kame, obviously pissed with Jin's sudden decision, rattled on.
"Have you thought about the consequences? Don't you know that this is gonna affect the group? You're being selfish." Ueda started again, Junno sat him on a chair to keep him from attacking Jin.
Koki stood up. "Who do you think you are? You think you're so great that you can just make sudden decisions like that." He now grabbed at Jin's shirt. "You're so childish..."
"Stop it." I spoke, my voice deep and calm. I was serious. Whatever they planned to do or say was abruptly stopped. Koki let go of Jin's shirt and slumped back on his chair.
It was unusual for me to be all serious. In those rare events, they knew better than to argue. Even if I wasn't the leader of the group, I was still the oldest.
"He's old enough to decide for himself, He knows the difference between right and wrong. He's aware of the consequences." It was hard to speak, harder still to defend him. But I like him enough to try and swallow the lump that has formed in my throat. I like him enough to let him fulfil his dreams.
"Besides, it's not as if he's gonna enjoy leaving. He easily gets lonely you know. In fact, he'll most probably get homesick after a few days. But he's gonna go anyway. Once he decides to do something, he puts his all into accomplishing it. Nothing's gonna stop him. In turn, he's trusting us to continue what we have started, get better and make the most of our time. After all, we've only just begun. We have a long way to go." I tried my best to sound calm. A weak smile crept into my lips. I bowed and let the hair cover my eyes.
"But why now?" Koki hushed, trying to argue.
"If not now, then when? We're not growing any younger. We only have so much time to spare." Junno replied, defending Jin at the same time saving me the trouble of opening my now parched mouth.
"If I don't do it now, then when? Even if I postpone this, I would eventually do it. I've already decided and I want to do this. I know I'll cause you trouble. You may think I'm rushing things, but I'm not. I thought this through. It isn't just a whim. I have always wanted to learn other languages and visit other countries. I hope you'll understand," Jin concluded.
"Uhmm...excuse me? I'm really sorry to disturb you. But..." a voice not belonging to any of KAT-TUN startled us as an old man walked forward. "We're closing the studio, would you mind taking your conversation to another place? We still have to clean up for the shooting tomorrow."
"We'll be going now," Kame answered as he made a grab for his bag and left. Koki followed, giving the rest an understanding yet pained look before finally stepping out.
"Jun-chan, I'd be waiting in the car," Tatsuya said then also left.
Junno approached Jin and gave him an encouraging smile before saying, "I'll be there on the press con." He followed Ueda out of the building.
Silence fell on us. I felt uneasy. I wanted to scream at him for being so damn arrogant and selfish. I couldn't. Instead, I stood up and dragged my feet towards the door.
"Yuichi, you'll be there right, at the press conference?"Jin spoke in hushed tones, making me stop in my tracks. "You'd be with me right? I need you there during the announcement. And I need to speak with you." I just closed my eyes, trying to comprehend what he just said.
I can't say I wasn't half expecting him to talk, but I was surprised with his words. Did he really meant what he said?
I didn't dare look at his eyes lest I end up crying again. I wanted to hug him and tell him that it'll be alright; to encourage him and give him a warm smile but instead, I just nodded and left.
The moment I left the room, I walked aimlessly. My mind was afar. I broke into a sprint. I ran like I've never ran before. Before I knew it, rain was already pouring hard. Little drops of water sprayed on my face.
... If only I can bathe in the rain forever. I need to be numb. If only I can bask in this cold shower until my soul grows calm; just enough time until I can smile beside him again.
'He's leaving and there's nothing I can do.'
October 13, 2006
I was late again.
Actually, I was having second thoughts with regards to going there. The voice message he sent me the day he dropped the news was the only thing that forced me to go. Not that it was some sort of blackmailing, that was more of Ueda's thing, but it was strange. It was the first time he asked nicely.
"Uhmmm... Yuichi? Are you there? I guess you're busy huh? Uhm, would you go to the conference? I need you there. I know you're busy with work and with all the commotion I've caused but I really need you there... I need to talk to you too. Uhmm... well that's it then. Good night."
I wasn't busy, nor was I asleep; I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to him just then, Besides, I wanted to hear his voice. Call me stupid, sentimental, melodramatic, but I don't want to spoil it. I'm naive. Because I was too busy crying over the message and the new, I end up being late.
When I arrived at the meeting place (I asked Junno to meet him before we go to the venue), the tall guy was already there. He was holding out a paper. I looked at him anxiously.
"Tat-chan wants to tell you he's sorry because he can't make it but he wants you to do your best in supporting the guy you were crying over." Junno read a message from his phone wearing an encouraging yet mischievous smile.
"Eh?"
"Ah, you didn't know?" he spoke upon sensing my confusion.
'Tatsuya knew?'
"He was the one who sent me to look for you at the balcony. Oh, and we gathered at my house last night. Koki called you but you weren't answering. Everyone was worried about you. Anyway, they asked me to give this to you," he replied as he handed me the paper he was holding. Apparently, the rest of the group wrote a message for the pop idol. I scanned the contents of the message as we walked towards the conference room.
The voices from the room grew louder as we quickly made our way through the building. My heart thumped loudly in my ears, deafening the voices of the numerous reporters who decided to feast upon the famous singer. But as soon as the distance lessened, I forced my heart to shut itself in a corner. Right now, Jin needed me to support him through this. I can't show any weakness. I took a deep breath and looked at Junno who nodded in reply. We entered the room packed with media men. He was already answering question after question. He looked tired, weary from the stupid questions and accusation those media people were hurling at him, We made our way through the crowd to the source of all the commotion.
A slight glimmer formed in his swollen eyes and smile formed on his dried lips upon seeing, thankful that we came. We stood by him, on each side, making the people back off a little and giving the guy between us a little area to breathe, I turned my head away from him, still trying to concentrate on the questions being thrown, trying my best to answer them clearly so as to shut them off. We replied to their comments and questions making it less of a hassle on Jin's part.
"I was surprised." I really was.
"Since Akanishi wants to go, it's his call. All we can really do is support him."
"It's not like he's quitting or anything," I answered, irritated by the nonsense most of them were saying.
"...if you really want to go, then go." I looked at him for the first time after the confrontation.
"Too close..." he spoke, finally laughing. Somehow, it lightened the tension and we were able to tease each other again.
"...the members have a message. May I?"
I hastily read the message from each member. More questions were asked, rumours clarified and messages given. Before long, the press conference came to a close. We stepped outside and headed for the parking lot.
"Thanks for coming, Junno, Yuichi." he told both of us.
"I already told you I'd be coming right?" Junno replied. "But I have to get along. I promised Tat-ch... Tatsuya I'll come over. He's still a little down but he's coming to his senses," he continued. Then, the first T of KAT-TUN gave of his signature smile and left, leaving us both shaking our heads.
"So they really are together then," Jin spoke as he looked at Junno before turning to me. "We should probably also go right? I'm starving," he spoke as he tugged my arm to the direction of his car.
After a good 20 minutes of chit-chat in his car, we arrived at a soccer field. We just talked as we watched the students running around the field. We were both at ease with the conversation; no mentioning of his hiatus. Nothing big nor melodramatic, just simple and normal talk between friends. When night fell, Jin decided to take me home. The car stopped just in front of my apartment.
"Thanks for coming to the press con today. I know you're busy." It was the first time the subject was brought up after the conference. Here we go...
"When did I ever reject you? Indefinite status huh?" I knew it was random, but I asked anyway. I looked at him, slowly removing the smile I had to wear the whole day long. "When are you coming back?"
"I don't know. Things may come up. I don't want to make any promises."
"When? Give me a date." I needed him to promise; just something to look forward to.
There was a long pause before he spoke. "The program lasts up to six months. I'd be back exactly after six months."
"I'll be waiting 'til then." I smiled at him. Before I could open the door, he took me by the arm and hugged me.
"Thanks for keeping me company. I knew it was hard on you to pretend like everything's alright. You even laughed with me and literally spent the entire day just to make me happy. I know it's gonna be tough but I know you can do it. I know you're gonna look after them but don't forget to take care of yourself as well. I'm really gonna miss you." I felt my face burning It was as if all the blood in my body was strapped in my face. Emotions collided in my brain that had somehow started to malfunction. If I could make it last a lifetime, I would but I couldn't. He slowly retracted his hands as he realized how awkward the situation was for me.
I just looked at him in the eye and smiled before alighting the vehicle. I waved at him as he drove past me. When the red lights of the car were already behind shadows, I decided to go inside the house. I headed to my bed and hugged a pillow. The bedside clock read 1:00 am but I didn't care. I stared into nothingness as I let myself slowly digest what just happened. Before I knew it, tears were streaming down from my face. I wanted to support him, I really do. But somehow, it felt wrong. Something is now missing in my life, like a hole was drilled right through my body. I couldn't breathe. I knew he'd be back; he never fails to keep his promise. But he'll be gone for a good six months, seemingly out of reach.
"I'll really miss you too. Don't worry; I'll try to be ok until you get here. Please be safe." I spoke out loud hoping the wind would carry the message to the one person I now hopelessly think about. I would definitely miss him - his voice, those undying habits, his occasional randomness, the unbearable teasing and naughtiness, even his mere presence. "I love you." I whispered as the night hushes me into slumber; a cold breeze caressing my face.
When Jin left, I decided to keep myself busy. I needed a distraction from my daily reminiscing and worrying so I focused on work. It wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be. Being and working with the rest of KAT-TUN made a hole lot of difference. I concentrated on improving my beat boxing and singing. I took up regular voice lessons and practices. Work took most of my time. I dedicated myself to it. Although I gave a portion of my time to him, like mailing him or calling him or sometimes chatting online. There would always be that moment everyday when I find myself thinking about him. When you're so used with someone whose talking or plainly fooling around with you, you find yourself missing them badly. After all, it's hard to forget something that is special to you.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
New York
"Long time no see," Jin greeted us. He looked thin and untidy, not that he was dirty, just that he wasn't giving off the aura he once did. His unkempt hair hang loosely on his pale face. He looked flushed, almost sick. I looked at him with concern, He just smiled; tension decreasing by a notch.
"What the hell!" Koki spoke, half-surprising everyone in the room. “Do you know how much trouble you caused? Do you know how worried we were?" he continued before glancing at me.
'What the heck is this guy trying to imply?!"
"I'm sorry," Jin replied.
"You better be. You were all around the news. It's either you got someone pregnant and decided to go into hiding or that you got mad at me for working alongside YamaPi or that you just broke with your BOYFRIEND and needed a time off. It was messy." Kame voiced out. "But, I think, almost everything's already clarified. And things have been going smoothly so I don't think you should get all worked up."
"But honestly Jin, you made it big in the news. Imagine your hiatus being bigger news than one about the earthquake or the economic status of the country. You've become really popular and controversial," Junno piped in.
Jin heaved a sigh. "Well, I don't know what to say but, I'm sorry."
"You better be; you never sent us mails. People were getting worried sick about you." Ueda spoke. From the tone of his voice, I was sure he was trying to drag me into the conversation. I declined and pretended not to notice.
"Anyway, let's start talking about concert." I broke their conversation before it gets out of hand. We came there to talk about the live and not to chat our hearts out.
After two long days of planning, we finally had things done and complete. At last, we were given time to enjoy ourselves; a couple of days of freedom from the media's eyes. I was extremely happy to be there. When we went there years before for our first photo book, I fell in love with Time Square Plaza. It had that magnetic and romantic feel I couldn't get enough of - something Jin and me had in common. We made the most out of our time there. We watched plays travelled a little and had a photo shoot. Work can't be completely shrugged of can it?
On the night of out departure back to Japan, Jin asked me out. He just wanted to catch up on old times and wanted to talk to someone without being scolded at every other minute. I felt happy even though a nagging voice at the back of my head told me otherwise. Before I could think twice, Jin had already shoved me into the car. We went to a cafe' to get a drink and have a snack before settling at the park, Time Square. It wasn't anything big really; just chat between pals whose making up for the last time. Sitting there beside him, I felt happy. I know they were just simple conversations but I'm shallow anyway.
"Thanks for being on my side. Those mails you sent me really made my day. I was really sick once. I felt really homesick that I was already crying, and then you sent that mail. I wasn't able to understand your message, stupid encoding error. But you called anyway. Thanks for being such a good friend."
friend
Reality bit me hard.
I thought being friends with him and being able to stay by his side would be enough. I was wrong. The yearning to be the center of his attention grew. I hated it whenever Jin would call the other members without telling me. I especially got pissed when Kame flaunted their phone conversation the night before Jin's press conference. 'He just had to say it in his letter!'The reporter’s inquiry regarding their 'talk' fuelled my anger to the point where I wanted to throw a rock at them. I knew then that something's terribly wrong.
When he called me 'friend' I felt something break. I knew that I had to stop. He's like a burning candle that continually entices me. It's pretty to look at, comforting almost. Yet I know that I have to keep my distance. If I draw too near, I'd burn. I won't be able to break free without being hurt.
-----------writer's bloc----------
I’m such a self-proclaimed writer. aright... I need to finish this before my exams!
and to think I haven't even tweaked my lj journal. I have such a horrible layout!
anyone willing to teach me how to customize it? ah, I’m babbling again...
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"When Akanishi suddenly went away, it didn't feel right and I missed him... I wanted him to come back soon..."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I stared into the TV screen. A female reporter was standing at the exit of the airport along with a dozen more. A group of young ladies had decided to gather around the entrance of the airport. Everyone was anxiously waiting for a young guy to arrive.
After what seemed like hours of waiting, a young adult, nearly on his 20's walked past the door. He was wearing a black jacket and white shirt. His fingers were busy fiddling with his phone. A sunglass kept him from being blinded by the simultaneous flashing of cameras while music from his iPod kept him from the deafening screams of a multitude of ladies that awaited his return.
I continued to stare blankly at the TV screen. It continued to hum but no sound penetrated my ears. I don't know what happened to me, I just new that my heart was skipping a beat.
buzz... my phone which was in silent mode suddenly vibrated.
"I'm back...I'm home. Exactly six months ^^,"
I received a phone call from him asking me to come pick him up at the airport, date, time and flight number included. I refused. I told him I had a taping for Shonen club and that I couldn't get off work.
It was the first time I rejected him and I felt my knees literally shaking when I finally turned the receiver off. It took all my might to stop myself from giving in. I had to it if I am to move on.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
He hugged me from behind. "Can it be me?" I wished I told him he can. I loved the warmth of his body close to mine. His arms draping my body. He felt so close and I wanted to bask in the moment. I wanted him to hold me more. But it was abrupt. "I guess it can't be me." His voice quivered. Was it just me or did he sound sad?
'It can be you.'
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
We all attended his press conference and continued to prepare for the concerts. I found it hard to dodge his question and invitations which are becoming frequent. He's too persistent. And not to mention I still had to put up a show during concerts. Come to think of it, I feel more free during concerts. On an ordinary day, I had to act somewhat indifferent towards him. Damn why did he has to be so damn sweet? He's making it harder for me to move on.
"I love you... I missed you... Let's go grab a drink together ok?" he said during our letter segment at the concert. I was shocked. My mind was in frenzy. It was a good thing the lights shifted. Otherwise, he could have seen my expression - a mix of delight and uncertainty. I swear my cheeks were burning. I'm sure they turned scarlet.
"Oi Jin, what was that all about earlier? A love confession to Maru?" Kame asked after the concert. He seems amused by the little speech Jin delivered. Jin didn't reply and continued to stare at us.
"So what does it feel to receive a confession from the guy you're in love with?" Kame now turned to me.
'Does the whole world know of my feelings for Jin?'
"What are you talking about?" I answered completely exasperated by the question. I was caught of guard. It felt like a talk show and I was in the unfortunate hot seat. "Jin confessing his love? As if that would happen!" I answered, hoping that would change the topic altogether. I turned to stare out of the window. Rain was slowly pouring, it tainted the bus's windows but it didn't matter.
Junno and Tatsuya were already sleeping at the back of the bus, comfortably leaning at each other. Koki was busy massaging Kame's back. Koki's a real good friend to Kame, too good maybe? I have to observe them more. They may already hooked up for all I know.
After what seemed like hours of silence, Jin stood up from where he was sitting (which was just two seats ahead of me) and stared, "Why Yuichi? You think no one loves you?" I just shrugged in response.
'What is he thinking? What the hell is he talking about? What's this expression, I haven't seen it before? I can't quite place him.’ I turned to my side and feigned sleep. I didn't want to continue the conversation. His actions and words are confusing me.
"Well I'm sure someone does." he mumbled. It was almost inaudible but I heard it quite clear.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Tatsuya and I just finished had our radio program that day - R-ONEKAT-TUN. It was a cold evening so Tat-chan decided to call Junno to give us a ride home. Junno was more than willing. I'm guessing Tatsuya won't be spending the night in his house. When Tatsuya and me got of work and out the building, Jin and Junno were there, talking.
"You asked him to come!" I immediately shot at Tatsuya.
"I didn't. Why would I?" His first statement was kind of cold. He never likes it when people accuse him of something. But he got over it quickly as he asked amusedly, "Why? Don't you like that he's here?" I didn't bother answer since we were already near the two; instead I just glared at him.
"Oi Jin! What are you doing here?" Tatsuya greeted Jin when we got there.
"I was with Junno when you called. He told me you asked for a ride. I just wanted to do you two a favor; I'm bringing Yuichi home so you two can go out or something." Jin replied with a sly smile plastered in his face.
"Really? How unusually nice of you Jin. Better take good care of him, he's so sickly lately. Uhmm, about the same time you left for LA." Tatsuya smiled mischievously as he gave out pointers at Jin as if I was a kid. All the while, Junno just leaned back at his car and watched us. The whole thing felt like a poorly written skit. I swear this is all a set-up to get me to talk to Jin and I'm betting Jin didn't even have a clue why he was here.
"I’m fine really. You don't need to ask someone younger than me to look after me." I told Tatsuya in the coldest voice I could manage.
"Sure, I'd take care of him. You two go ahead on your date." Jin answered as if I didn't interfere. I just wasted my breath, really. The other two didn't need any more encouragement. They were already on the car, waving at us as they drove off. Great! Now, I'm in a pool of emotions again.
Jin took me by the arm and dragged me to his car. He didn't talk nor did I. But his cold hands were already digging in my arms. "No I'm fine really; I can just take the train. My house is nowhere near yours." I half-heartedly spoke, trying to at least get his attention. He didn't reply and just shoved me in the car. "Shut up," was his reply.
We went straight to his apartment. I didn't dare say anything after my first attempt. Sure Jin is sweet but he is scary when provoked. He got out of the car and opened my door. He didn't speak; I followed him. I knew I was in for it.
He went to the kitchen as I settled on the couch. My heart was beating so fast it could burst any moment. 'What the heck am I doing here? Just what had gotten in him? He's not usually like this.' Something broke in the kitchen followed by pounding. It sounded like a glass just hit the floor. I immediately stood up to investigate. Jin was there head bowed down over the sink; a broken glass lay by his feet. Blood was trickling on his toes but Jin didn't seem to mind. He was too busy pounding on the metal sink that lay before him. I ran to his side and tried to drag him out of the kitchen. He just shrugged me off and backed away making him step on the broken glass.
Panic got the better of me as I saw more blood. I always hated blood. Seeing it on Jin's feet made it so much more terrifying. I rushed to his side and pulled him out of the mess. I swept the floor after sitting him on the couch. It was a good thing he decided to clean up his own wounds. After calming my senses and cleaning up his kitchen. I went into the living room and sat beside Jin.
"You really should be more careful. I know you're clumsy and stuff but you don't need to push me around like that. You're acting really weird lately. What happened?" I decided to broke the silence. I knew I wanted to get over him but he still pulls me close and I'm unable to break free from him.
"Really? Cause all the while I thought you were acting weird," he sounded bitter.
"No I wasn't."He stared at me with cold eyes. "I was just really busy. And anyway, what does my attitude have anything to do with your problem?"another excuse.
"Everything!" he looked at me straight in the eyes. I wanted to turn my head away but found it impossible to do so. "When I came home, during the press conference, why did you tell them you missed me and wanted me to come back soon? Were you lying then?" Jin asked in a calm but very sad voice. I was surprised, I was so sure he was going to yell or something. I wasn't able to process any word he said; all I knew is that it broke my heart to see him like that.
"No, I really did miss you and wanted you to come back."
"Then why the hell are you avoiding me? You go to the extent of lying just so as to get away from me? Pi told me you didn't have a shoot the day of my arrival and Kame said you weren't with him when I called you the other day. Why do you keep on lying to me? You never do that! Not answering calls? What the hell! Tell me if you're mad at me, straight to my face! Tell why you're so damn angry." Jin stood, he was shouting. His shadow was hovering over me. He still looked me in the eye though and I him.
"I'm not mad at you. I can't be mad at you." It was barely inaudible as the words were muffled by sobs. Dammit! I bowed my head in embarrassment. I was crying again for umpteenth time. All because Jin is here and shouting at me. My mind was in a haze and I couldn't think straight. I knew I wanted to move on but him being mad at me is just unthinkable.
He must have felt guilty for shouting at me because he now sat on the coffee table, directly in front of me. "Then tell me what's wrong." his voice was soft and mingled with concern.
I looked up at him. No words came out from my mouth. I don't think any word or words for that matter can really describe or explain the way I felt. I want him by my side at the same time I want to push him away. It was a weird tangle of emotions. But I wanted to tell him. My chest was aching painfully.
Before I knew it, I had already leaned forward and pressed my lips on his. I pulled away immediately. I wasn't able to look at his face.
"Sorry. Please pretend it didn't happen. I promise I won't bother you again." It was a whisper in between sobs.
I didn't know what would happen next all I knew was I had to leave as soon as possible and forget everything that happened. I had to go back to being old' plain Nakamaru by tomorrow and had to act as just another guy in the band.
However, as I headed for the door, I felt warm arms embracing me from behind. "Is it okay if it's me?" His voice was silky, tempting almost. He held me tight and reached for my hand as he rested his head on my shoulder. I shrugged him off, turned around and kissed him. His lips were soft against mine, his breath heavy and alluring. Tongues collided with each other. It wasn't rough; just nice comforting feeling. When the kiss finally broke, I whispered.
. . .
"Baka! It had always been you."
-.-.-.-.-
A/N aka writer's bloc
.well, I wrote up a continuation with this but it's NC-17
.the whole thing was kind of a hopeless-romantic and I didn't
.want to spoil the theme so I’d be posting it apart from
.the story, but it's far from being finished so...
!and I just read something that made me happy!
-call me stupid but I just found out that one of jin's dog is named maru, dunno but that made me smile :) (I think everybody knows it already, but hey I’m a newbie :))
*oh well, I’m just babbling here sorry, won't happen again