Greener on the other side?
I like to think of myself as a pretty mature person the vast majority of the time, or at least very outwardly in control of myself. So why I am still so fucking prone to jealousy for stupid reasons? Currently it's 2 things:
1. Mild case of a cappella envy. The Harmonics' spring show was Friday night, and it was pretty awesome. They're Stanford's "hard rock" themed a cappella group, and the group other than Mixed Co I seriously wanted to be in. As luck of the draw had it, this year Mixed Company wanted 4 new tenors, and the Harmonics didn't need any, but had I gotten called back to both groups, it would have been a very tough choice which to rank first. Anyway, the show was really impressive, as is the album they just released, and it's temporarily really dampened my enthusiasm about Mixed Co. Hopefully it won't last - I don't expect it to. Odds are extremely good we'll get a better crop of newbies in auditions next year than this year's group (that includes me), we have an album year coming up and a lot to be excited about, and right now there are even signs that the two people I really want to stay in Mixed Co next year (our best guy and girl soloists by far) who are still iffy about it are leaning slightly more toward staying. But it's still frustrating to see other groups who simply get to work with more raw talent - if you're perceived as better, you get the better singers in auditions, and there's this wonderful little cycle going on. I don't know if I even have the right to be frustrated since I'm nothing special in the raw talent department myself. (Except my sense of rhythm apparently, as I've been surprised to learn this year.) Nor would I be frustrated if Mixed Co was just generally mediocre... but we have a history of performing some of the most sophisticated and difficult arrangements out of all the Stanford a cappella groups, and you need good singers to pull that off, dammit. Can we get a little affirmative action going on? =)
2. The usual relationship envy. This is the one that I really hate... because I've been feeling it on and off for years, and not much has changed in my outlook. I know how to keep things to myself, deal just fine with people, even have fun with them. But when I'm by myself (as right now - roommates are off on a river rafting trip with some of their high school friends), that jealousy of other people and their relationships - romantic or close friendships - just rises to the surface invariably. The romantic envy's the worst; I get extremely jealous of people who are dating friends of mine who I wouldn't actually want to date myself, and then beat myself up for how irrational that is. I can't really see myself in an actual relationship with (insert unspecified girl's name here) - I just don't think it'd work. But I like her and care about her a lot and every time I see her I want to be affectionate, want to cuddle, kiss her, and, you know, other things spring to mind too. And that's just one more extreme case. Then there are the friends I'm not even terribly attracted to... but seeing them with other people produces the same reaction in me. Not all the time or even a lot of the time, but I can't get rid of the feeling. It's not healthy to be bitter when people around me, people I like a lot, are happy. It's not just romantic relationships, either - it bugs me, on some level, whenever my friends talk about their best friends, or about how awesome or wonderful or fun someone else is. Cause I want to, once in a while, be the one they're describing that way.
The bottom line is I wish I understood what my problem is. Not with dating per se - I'm well aware I make very little effort on that front. But with getting to know people and getting them to like me in the most general sense. My close friends like me a lot (as far as I can tell)... but it takes me a very long time to make close friends. I just hit this barrier.... And I don't know how to change that. I'm unpretentious, probably to a fault. I don't assume that anything I say to you is going to be interesting, or that any attention I give you is going to be welcome - I leave it up to you to make that judgment. I'm never going to be caught acting like I think I'm hot stuff. Is that a mistake?
People who are constantly dating casually bug me a lot. Not because I want to be like them - I've written here about my thoughts on dating before. The reason they bug me is they seem to have the ability to make people like them. And I just don't. I mean, I'm a likable person. I have utter confidence that almost anyone who gets to know a bit about me while like, rather than dislike, me. I just don't know how to make that first connection happen - you can't like, or dislike, or have any opinion toward, someone you've never had a conversation beyond small talk with. But what am I supposed to do? As far as I can tell, I'm doing exactly what the people who are more socially successful than I am do. I act friendly, greet people, ask them how they're doing, what they've been up to, show interest. I put my personality, interests and ideas on display - if you visit my room or read my facebook profile or look at the articles I taped up outside the door, you'll learn plenty of interesting things about me. What else am I supposed to be doing? What's the missing piece?
I get puzzling comments once in a while, to the effect that I'm tough to get to know, that I'm reserved, that I put up a "wall" with people I've just met and don't let them see the real me. I'm baffled by that, because as far as I can tell, that couldn't be more wrong. Is it my self-image that's inaccurate?
Okay.
Anyway, that was a bit of 3 am venting. On the whole, life is good - particularly when I'm spending it with friends and not textbooks, which just happened not to be the case this evening. One more week here, pretty low-key finals week, I'm not too worried. Then it's off to Minnesota, where the grass most certainly is greener on that side of the Rockies... cause it's been raining for weeks.
1. Mild case of a cappella envy. The Harmonics' spring show was Friday night, and it was pretty awesome. They're Stanford's "hard rock" themed a cappella group, and the group other than Mixed Co I seriously wanted to be in. As luck of the draw had it, this year Mixed Company wanted 4 new tenors, and the Harmonics didn't need any, but had I gotten called back to both groups, it would have been a very tough choice which to rank first. Anyway, the show was really impressive, as is the album they just released, and it's temporarily really dampened my enthusiasm about Mixed Co. Hopefully it won't last - I don't expect it to. Odds are extremely good we'll get a better crop of newbies in auditions next year than this year's group (that includes me), we have an album year coming up and a lot to be excited about, and right now there are even signs that the two people I really want to stay in Mixed Co next year (our best guy and girl soloists by far) who are still iffy about it are leaning slightly more toward staying. But it's still frustrating to see other groups who simply get to work with more raw talent - if you're perceived as better, you get the better singers in auditions, and there's this wonderful little cycle going on. I don't know if I even have the right to be frustrated since I'm nothing special in the raw talent department myself. (Except my sense of rhythm apparently, as I've been surprised to learn this year.) Nor would I be frustrated if Mixed Co was just generally mediocre... but we have a history of performing some of the most sophisticated and difficult arrangements out of all the Stanford a cappella groups, and you need good singers to pull that off, dammit. Can we get a little affirmative action going on? =)
2. The usual relationship envy. This is the one that I really hate... because I've been feeling it on and off for years, and not much has changed in my outlook. I know how to keep things to myself, deal just fine with people, even have fun with them. But when I'm by myself (as right now - roommates are off on a river rafting trip with some of their high school friends), that jealousy of other people and their relationships - romantic or close friendships - just rises to the surface invariably. The romantic envy's the worst; I get extremely jealous of people who are dating friends of mine who I wouldn't actually want to date myself, and then beat myself up for how irrational that is. I can't really see myself in an actual relationship with (insert unspecified girl's name here) - I just don't think it'd work. But I like her and care about her a lot and every time I see her I want to be affectionate, want to cuddle, kiss her, and, you know, other things spring to mind too. And that's just one more extreme case. Then there are the friends I'm not even terribly attracted to... but seeing them with other people produces the same reaction in me. Not all the time or even a lot of the time, but I can't get rid of the feeling. It's not healthy to be bitter when people around me, people I like a lot, are happy. It's not just romantic relationships, either - it bugs me, on some level, whenever my friends talk about their best friends, or about how awesome or wonderful or fun someone else is. Cause I want to, once in a while, be the one they're describing that way.
The bottom line is I wish I understood what my problem is. Not with dating per se - I'm well aware I make very little effort on that front. But with getting to know people and getting them to like me in the most general sense. My close friends like me a lot (as far as I can tell)... but it takes me a very long time to make close friends. I just hit this barrier.... And I don't know how to change that. I'm unpretentious, probably to a fault. I don't assume that anything I say to you is going to be interesting, or that any attention I give you is going to be welcome - I leave it up to you to make that judgment. I'm never going to be caught acting like I think I'm hot stuff. Is that a mistake?
People who are constantly dating casually bug me a lot. Not because I want to be like them - I've written here about my thoughts on dating before. The reason they bug me is they seem to have the ability to make people like them. And I just don't. I mean, I'm a likable person. I have utter confidence that almost anyone who gets to know a bit about me while like, rather than dislike, me. I just don't know how to make that first connection happen - you can't like, or dislike, or have any opinion toward, someone you've never had a conversation beyond small talk with. But what am I supposed to do? As far as I can tell, I'm doing exactly what the people who are more socially successful than I am do. I act friendly, greet people, ask them how they're doing, what they've been up to, show interest. I put my personality, interests and ideas on display - if you visit my room or read my facebook profile or look at the articles I taped up outside the door, you'll learn plenty of interesting things about me. What else am I supposed to be doing? What's the missing piece?
I get puzzling comments once in a while, to the effect that I'm tough to get to know, that I'm reserved, that I put up a "wall" with people I've just met and don't let them see the real me. I'm baffled by that, because as far as I can tell, that couldn't be more wrong. Is it my self-image that's inaccurate?
Okay.
Anyway, that was a bit of 3 am venting. On the whole, life is good - particularly when I'm spending it with friends and not textbooks, which just happened not to be the case this evening. One more week here, pretty low-key finals week, I'm not too worried. Then it's off to Minnesota, where the grass most certainly is greener on that side of the Rockies... cause it's been raining for weeks.