...Walking Contradiction...
I never understood this term or witnessed it as much so, until last night...First off, last night was the weirdest crappiest night. Ok so after a boring, bullshit superbowl at my sis' I come home. My dad and his friends are smokin' in the garage while my mom is busy entertaining my dad's friends' wives...Anyway so after a night of farce socializing and phony assyrian bullshit my dad asks me the dreaded, "How do you feel about your life" question..which actually means, "Tell me things that you like and appreciate over and over so I can love myself even more than I already do and assume total control over you." So of course the mixed emotions in my head are wild like...Should I do it? Should I tell him all the things I've been holding in: How much I hate him. How I can't touch anything of his or listen to anything he likes because it reminds me of him. How everytime I hear him open the front door I want to slip out before it shuts again. I look at my..ok pause..as I'm writing this my dad storms in saying, "Answer the phone on the first ring! I don't care where you are, if you have to go to the bathroom take it in there with you!"...except with nicer language, what a great way to add to the feel of this post...anyways, so I look at my mom and mouthe, "Should I do it?" and she just shrugs. But something inside of me tells me, even if I do he won't understand, he won't change, and it'll just make things worse for my mom...So of course I'm hella hesistant and he's like, "Lemme put it this way, on a scale of 1-10...how would you rate our family, financially, and how good of parents we are?" and shit...omg I was like fuuuuuck I dunno what to say. I just can't bullshit it is so hard for me to not speak my true feelings, but I had to. So I say some bullshit like an 8 cuz you know everythings so great and I love my life..I actually said that "I love my life.." I could not have been more of a liar..I hated it..I hate having to lie to someone who can't handle the truth and who I really am.
Last night my dad told me I was his favorite child...can you believe that? I was in shock...I was like favorite to yell at? I was so confused. OMG and then get this...so one of my dad's friends had a son that was killed in a drive-by like 6 years ago, and so of course he's still sad because that was his only child and the only person he had. When he leaves these are the first words outta my dad's mouth, "He always so negative, he ruins my mood...oh shit I forgot to mention about how we have 3 houses..." I was seriously just stunned I stared at him, so disgustingly like how are you related to me...and he was like what??
OK and with all this and much more this is where my topic comes into play. A walking contradiction. My father. So last night my dad was like, "Monet you know God has been so good to me and I know I'm just supposed to tell you this and not force you, but you are not being good to God...forget about me and mom, God is the only way you will get what you want in life...You have to believe in him like I do, I talk to him like he's my friend...If you have a good heart and are kind like me, he will give you what you want." I HAVE FOUND JESUS! MY father the "good-hearted, kind" person is tellin me that if I service God life will be easy like it has been for him. First off I don't believe that I have to pray every night and give thousands of dollars to the church so God can "bless" me...I couldn't believe what I was hearing. So then he makes me take Bismah(an assyrian thing..kinda like incense that you take to every religious picture in the household...and pray)...so he makes ME the most unreligious person in my family do it. As he follows me and corrects me and tells me to bend on my knees and pray. I was like, "I am not going on my knees...If you're not supposed to force me why are you making me do this?" I felt so wrong doin this..like this is not me, this won't do anything. Then I started to think, WTF wait...my dad is the most mean-spirited, insensitive, and selfish person I have ever met, but he prays..gives money to the churches..and recognizes God everyday. And look at him, he has a hard-working wife, 3 good kids, 3 houses, 2 cars, a big family....how? how? how? Is it because he's "religious"...I am at a loss for words. If I become this person will my life become everything I want it to be...not only that but I actually am a good person so woo bonus points...I just don't understand. How can someone like him be so happy?? And it's not just him, it's like his whole family, they are all bad people and think that just because they portray a surface of religious intent..they will be SAVED!
Everything used to surprise me, now I expect it...I don't like it...
--Monet--
Last night my dad told me I was his favorite child...can you believe that? I was in shock...I was like favorite to yell at? I was so confused. OMG and then get this...so one of my dad's friends had a son that was killed in a drive-by like 6 years ago, and so of course he's still sad because that was his only child and the only person he had. When he leaves these are the first words outta my dad's mouth, "He always so negative, he ruins my mood...oh shit I forgot to mention about how we have 3 houses..." I was seriously just stunned I stared at him, so disgustingly like how are you related to me...and he was like what??
OK and with all this and much more this is where my topic comes into play. A walking contradiction. My father. So last night my dad was like, "Monet you know God has been so good to me and I know I'm just supposed to tell you this and not force you, but you are not being good to God...forget about me and mom, God is the only way you will get what you want in life...You have to believe in him like I do, I talk to him like he's my friend...If you have a good heart and are kind like me, he will give you what you want." I HAVE FOUND JESUS! MY father the "good-hearted, kind" person is tellin me that if I service God life will be easy like it has been for him. First off I don't believe that I have to pray every night and give thousands of dollars to the church so God can "bless" me...I couldn't believe what I was hearing. So then he makes me take Bismah(an assyrian thing..kinda like incense that you take to every religious picture in the household...and pray)...so he makes ME the most unreligious person in my family do it. As he follows me and corrects me and tells me to bend on my knees and pray. I was like, "I am not going on my knees...If you're not supposed to force me why are you making me do this?" I felt so wrong doin this..like this is not me, this won't do anything. Then I started to think, WTF wait...my dad is the most mean-spirited, insensitive, and selfish person I have ever met, but he prays..gives money to the churches..and recognizes God everyday. And look at him, he has a hard-working wife, 3 good kids, 3 houses, 2 cars, a big family....how? how? how? Is it because he's "religious"...I am at a loss for words. If I become this person will my life become everything I want it to be...not only that but I actually am a good person so woo bonus points...I just don't understand. How can someone like him be so happy?? And it's not just him, it's like his whole family, they are all bad people and think that just because they portray a surface of religious intent..they will be SAVED!
Everything used to surprise me, now I expect it...I don't like it...
--Monet--