(no subject)
i want to be alone
ya know, i think greta garbot was amazing and brilliant. and when she said i want to be alone- i mean thats just so direct and powerful on many levels. i can't get over it. i love words.
but, i do want to be alone. i want to live with theater in my little world of dance and no broken foot and a voice of my own. i dont like voice lessons. they're degrading. and i know theyre just teaching me things that i need to know and will make me stronger. but i feel like all the time, im wrong. and i dont like feeling wrong. because im not the best. and that just accentuates it in my heart and mind.
i want to live alone. i dont want to live with my mother watching my every move. i had to go downstairs to my stoop to have a conversation with a friend last night because she was yelling at my father on the phone. i want to cry when im with her. about EVERYTHING. she makes me so unhappy. and i want to cry when i have moments with her when i can put all that shit away. but then she finds some way to break it. to ruin it. to keep it professional/legit mother daughter relationship.
i wish i were to be a lawyer. that way, she wouldn't have to watch my every move. i could be the boring one in the family.
i fucking hate you!
she sais im not coming here next summer. OVER MY DEAD FUCKIN BODY! i'm a senior next year, once i graduate im fucking gone! gone! ALONE! i'm going to teach dance during the year and work at books and books and im going to pay for my summer on my own. i'm going to get a job working for al and then im going to dance when im not at work. and i'll see friends later. but mom, you make me so unhappy. i dont want you with me every moment of my life. i'm sorry you do. and i'm sick of you treating me like glass. because every moment that i mess up, you act like i do it on purpose. and every single day that i do or say something wrong, you judge me.
have a nice day you fucking bitch.
FIREWORKS!
i got this wonderful idea. i was thinking of a place where my brother, friends, and i would see the best fireworks. well me loves, i went to staten island tonight. i saw THE EAST SIDE, THE WEST SIDE, AND JERSEY fireworks from the dock. and it was soooo beautiful. i loved it. thats where im going every year. :)
note- when i left manhattan, i kinda got homesick for a bit. like i wantedto go back to the city. i was excited for SI and all this stuff. but it hurts to leave the city for a little bit. i think theres something wrong with me.
i love it here. please dont take me away from it to make yourself happy. because you usually do that.
ya know, i think greta garbot was amazing and brilliant. and when she said i want to be alone- i mean thats just so direct and powerful on many levels. i can't get over it. i love words.
but, i do want to be alone. i want to live with theater in my little world of dance and no broken foot and a voice of my own. i dont like voice lessons. they're degrading. and i know theyre just teaching me things that i need to know and will make me stronger. but i feel like all the time, im wrong. and i dont like feeling wrong. because im not the best. and that just accentuates it in my heart and mind.
i want to live alone. i dont want to live with my mother watching my every move. i had to go downstairs to my stoop to have a conversation with a friend last night because she was yelling at my father on the phone. i want to cry when im with her. about EVERYTHING. she makes me so unhappy. and i want to cry when i have moments with her when i can put all that shit away. but then she finds some way to break it. to ruin it. to keep it professional/legit mother daughter relationship.
i wish i were to be a lawyer. that way, she wouldn't have to watch my every move. i could be the boring one in the family.
i fucking hate you!
she sais im not coming here next summer. OVER MY DEAD FUCKIN BODY! i'm a senior next year, once i graduate im fucking gone! gone! ALONE! i'm going to teach dance during the year and work at books and books and im going to pay for my summer on my own. i'm going to get a job working for al and then im going to dance when im not at work. and i'll see friends later. but mom, you make me so unhappy. i dont want you with me every moment of my life. i'm sorry you do. and i'm sick of you treating me like glass. because every moment that i mess up, you act like i do it on purpose. and every single day that i do or say something wrong, you judge me.
have a nice day you fucking bitch.
FIREWORKS!
i got this wonderful idea. i was thinking of a place where my brother, friends, and i would see the best fireworks. well me loves, i went to staten island tonight. i saw THE EAST SIDE, THE WEST SIDE, AND JERSEY fireworks from the dock. and it was soooo beautiful. i loved it. thats where im going every year. :)
note- when i left manhattan, i kinda got homesick for a bit. like i wantedto go back to the city. i was excited for SI and all this stuff. but it hurts to leave the city for a little bit. i think theres something wrong with me.
i love it here. please dont take me away from it to make yourself happy. because you usually do that.