love
this is for no one, or anyone, it doesn't really matter... just a place for me to write what I feel. I love someone very much. I've watched him for a long time. I talked with him, and found him to be a good man. Now I don't know what to do, I think I fucked it up. I think maybe he is pretending to care now.. but maybe not. I don't know, I don't know how to find out. I need to be close to him. I don't know the options for being close and not being too close. there is close or not close, those seem to be the only options here. I think... if I say.. ok, we can't be close anymore, and he stays, I will want to be close to him again... so I'm fucked. If I tell him we can still be close, as close as he likes, how do I know why he stays? so I'm fucked.
I want to write him a letter, but I know too many men like that, that would lie and say, oh no, I love you and this is what I want, I want to be with you.. blah blah blah... how did I end up here. I was doing what was right, I was adhering to the principals of my religion, then all of a sudden everything went haywire. Where is my heart taking me, and why?
He says I think too much. I worry too much.. he tells me everything will be ok, and he will not leave me. I just don't know.. and right now am too fragile to find out. I'm fucked.
I stopped taking my meds. I'm fucked. He makes me feel normal, like I don't need the meds, and that I am so happy.. not elated.. not euphoric.. but just happy.. and I seem to be getting the rest of my life in order because there is someone there to be close to, and to love, and hope that he loves me... but that they are not just words but real feelings. fuck. I'm too fucking fragile. what happened to me? I used to be strong. I used to be able to handle anything, good or bad, just ease through it.. sure it was hard inside, but on the outside, no one ever knew a struggle even took place. Now, oh how my face shows the pain and the struggle.. I get overwhelmed easily, and end up flying off the handle at those that show any form of disrespect.
I'm fucked. I know it. I did it. I did it to myself again.. and I even have choices with others to marry that I didn't fuck anything up with, but I want him. what the fuck? why?
God I need a new brain.. and a new heart.. hell, just let me start over from birth, maybe I won't fuck up so much. wouldn't that be nice.. only if you got to choose who your parents were before you were born to them. 3h, paradise, if we ever get there... maybe it will be like that. 3h. can we ever even make it there, we are all human and the majority of us fuck everything up all the time. we just go on, some fret, some don't, some do the exact same fuckup again and again. At least I change the scenery from time to time.. rofl..
Take my meds, don't take my meds? feel, or don't feel? live or just exist? I am not fucking stable at all. Fuck I wish I had my car.
Yeah, there are some things I guess I need to show him, to explain better to him, then maybe he will run away from me on those merits. He already knows I'm insane, and he is insane too.. so it works out well. But the other matters, how will he take them? will he call me a heretic? will he even understand the concepts? we have a language problem.. he doesn't speak english well, and my french.. ha!! what french, I haven't spoken french since I was 7 or 8.
He can't speak spanish, and I can't speak berber or arabic, we definitely have a language problem. His english is good, but there are so many words he tells me in french that I know how to translate them.. how much of what I say does he miss?
Damn! The reality is that I know what I need to do, but I'm not ready to do it. And by doing so, I may miss out on something else that might be better and more what I need. So how do I get strong and do the right thing? I guess it's back to the meds. I hate just existing though.. can't there be meds that still let you feel, but make you strong again, bring you back to good? Why do they have to take all emotions away.. I hate not feeling anything. But not feeling anything, there is no real way to fuck anything up.. how can you? you don't feel anything, so nothing is based on emotion.. it's all just based on what needs to be done today. prepare for what needs to be done tomorrow, and finish what needed to be done yesterday.. that takes up the entire day, and you go to sleep with a med, cuz the meds you took during the day.. well, they leave you lifeless but not tired. Not sleepy tired.
I know what I have to do.. so I guess I'll do it.. and start my meds again.. bummer.. life sucks, even when you are happy.. for a little bit anyway.
I want to write him a letter, but I know too many men like that, that would lie and say, oh no, I love you and this is what I want, I want to be with you.. blah blah blah... how did I end up here. I was doing what was right, I was adhering to the principals of my religion, then all of a sudden everything went haywire. Where is my heart taking me, and why?
He says I think too much. I worry too much.. he tells me everything will be ok, and he will not leave me. I just don't know.. and right now am too fragile to find out. I'm fucked.
I stopped taking my meds. I'm fucked. He makes me feel normal, like I don't need the meds, and that I am so happy.. not elated.. not euphoric.. but just happy.. and I seem to be getting the rest of my life in order because there is someone there to be close to, and to love, and hope that he loves me... but that they are not just words but real feelings. fuck. I'm too fucking fragile. what happened to me? I used to be strong. I used to be able to handle anything, good or bad, just ease through it.. sure it was hard inside, but on the outside, no one ever knew a struggle even took place. Now, oh how my face shows the pain and the struggle.. I get overwhelmed easily, and end up flying off the handle at those that show any form of disrespect.
I'm fucked. I know it. I did it. I did it to myself again.. and I even have choices with others to marry that I didn't fuck anything up with, but I want him. what the fuck? why?
God I need a new brain.. and a new heart.. hell, just let me start over from birth, maybe I won't fuck up so much. wouldn't that be nice.. only if you got to choose who your parents were before you were born to them. 3h, paradise, if we ever get there... maybe it will be like that. 3h. can we ever even make it there, we are all human and the majority of us fuck everything up all the time. we just go on, some fret, some don't, some do the exact same fuckup again and again. At least I change the scenery from time to time.. rofl..
Take my meds, don't take my meds? feel, or don't feel? live or just exist? I am not fucking stable at all. Fuck I wish I had my car.
Yeah, there are some things I guess I need to show him, to explain better to him, then maybe he will run away from me on those merits. He already knows I'm insane, and he is insane too.. so it works out well. But the other matters, how will he take them? will he call me a heretic? will he even understand the concepts? we have a language problem.. he doesn't speak english well, and my french.. ha!! what french, I haven't spoken french since I was 7 or 8.
He can't speak spanish, and I can't speak berber or arabic, we definitely have a language problem. His english is good, but there are so many words he tells me in french that I know how to translate them.. how much of what I say does he miss?
Damn! The reality is that I know what I need to do, but I'm not ready to do it. And by doing so, I may miss out on something else that might be better and more what I need. So how do I get strong and do the right thing? I guess it's back to the meds. I hate just existing though.. can't there be meds that still let you feel, but make you strong again, bring you back to good? Why do they have to take all emotions away.. I hate not feeling anything. But not feeling anything, there is no real way to fuck anything up.. how can you? you don't feel anything, so nothing is based on emotion.. it's all just based on what needs to be done today. prepare for what needs to be done tomorrow, and finish what needed to be done yesterday.. that takes up the entire day, and you go to sleep with a med, cuz the meds you took during the day.. well, they leave you lifeless but not tired. Not sleepy tired.
I know what I have to do.. so I guess I'll do it.. and start my meds again.. bummer.. life sucks, even when you are happy.. for a little bit anyway.