another day in the life
Life is so hard. We experience so many problems on so many different levels. It's a wonder any of us make it out alive.. Oh.. I guess we dont. lol
I moved the boys to their Dad's, so now it's just Jessica and I. Jessica is going through something.. and I just don't know what to do for her.
I try so hard.. I remember what it was like to be 14, and it wasn't easy. I hated life, I loved my animals, and found it very hard to deal with humans.. humans are mean. Most can't be trusted, they all have an agenda. If they feel bad about themselves, they try to make other people feel worse, so they can feel better about themselves. Teen years are very hard.. we go through changes in our bodies, emotions are high and tense, we don't understand our parents, and we don't think they understand us. We think we know so much, but really know so little. We think we have an understanding of the world, but our world is so small at that age, that we don't have a clue what's really out there. We think we are invincible, yet so fragile at the same time. We think we are old enough, and that 50 is ancient.. and hope we don't live to be 60 or 65, because that is just too old to do anything or be anything of value.
I think about all of those things when I relate to my children.. and because of this.. I am more tolerant about my children's feelings and thoughts, than most of their friend's parents.
Jessica, though, is going through something... that I just can't identify with. She is a very social person, I never was. Her social life is everything to her.. but unfortunately, I don't approve of her social life. It isn't that I don't approve of her friends.. really.. they are very confused children too. I see some of them have parents that don't give a damn what the kids do, and some that blame everything that goes bad in their lives, on their children.. I see lots of things in these kids.. and I feel bad for them.. but they have no tools to cope with what is going on, and parents that are not interested in helping them cope. This is where it becomes a problem for me.. as these kids are showing Jessica a way 'to cope' that is not good, not healthy, and ... just not right.
Jessica is doing drugs, and cutting herself.
The cutting herself.. is an issue.. as she has two friends that cut themselves.. or 'used to ' as Jessica says... but I have a big issue with this.. as I do believe that these two friends, taught her about cutting.. I don't think she came up with this on her own as a way to cope. Not only do I believe that this has something to do with them.. but after the first Baker Act.. she promised not to cut herself.. a few days later.. there were a few new cuts.. but these were different.. not her 'style' of cutting. She told me her friend did it.. but on 'accident'. Now, last weekend.. I find out that not only did the friend not do it on 'accident', but that Jessica was not the only one she cut. So now, when this friend is upset.. instead of cutting herself, she has resorted to cutting her friends.
Jessica wants to have fun and thinks that everything is more fun.. on drugs. Jessica doesn't know how to deal with her anger, so she cuts herself. Now.. the issues here.. Her dad does drugs, her brother does drugs, her friends do drugs... so how can I tell her 'drugs are bad'.. and when I do try to talk to her about drugs.. she goes right into.. 'you take drugs!!'.. I take psych and asthma drugs.. and try to explain that these are prescribed to me.. [and that she also has psych drugs prescribed to her, which she refuses to take.. but will take street drugs instead] but I don't know if she really doesn't see the difference, or she just uses that as an excuse, because she knows that it upsets me.
Well, Jessica and I got into a fight Wednesday night. I had gone to take a nap, and my x was here. She and he were supposed to lay the carpet in the two small rooms that will now become our office and sewing room. Well, while I was asleep, she left.. and he did nothing to stop her.. and didn't bother to wake me until she had been gone for 2 hours, and had come home. I spoke with her about where she was, what she was doing, and why she had not helped her dad.. well mostly, the answers were 'I don't know'. She had taken my cigarettes, and I asked her where they were, she told me her room.. so I went to get them.. and found what looked like valentines M&Ms, so I ate one.. YUCK!! they weren't M&M's. So I asked her what they were, and she told me Skittles.. while watching me spit out the one I ate! Come to find out they are what is called Triple C's.. a flu med.. over the counter that the kids take to 'trip' on. We argued about drugs, and she stated that I could not get her to stop doing drugs, she was going to do whatever the hell she wanted to do, and I couldn't stop her.. Well.. Sekhmet in me came roaring out.. and I grabbed her by both sides of her head, and screamed in her face.. YOU ARE 14, I DO HAVE SOME CONTROL OVER WHAT YOU DO WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT AND THE DRUGS ARE GOING TO STOP HERE AND NOW!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??? She cried, said she understood.. and went to her room.
She came back an hour later, and asked if she could go talk to a friend down the street.. well it was 1130 at night, and I told her no.. I also know she does drugs with this kid.. maybe it's just pot.. but still the answer was no. We talked for a bit.. she cried.. went to take a shower and went to bed. About an hour later.. I went to check on her.. found that she had sliced up her legs pretty bad, and had taken 14 Triple C's [not sure of the time of the Triple C's, possibly just b4 I found them in her room, cuz I took all I saw and put them in the toilet]. Called 911, and she went to the hospital.
Well, in the last month.. or just over, Jess has been called in for a 'dead body in the ditch' in Saint Cloud.. overdosed.. thank God she wasn't dead.. the next week, she tried to kill herself... and was baker acted again.. and now this..
So... it's just another day in the life....
I moved the boys to their Dad's, so now it's just Jessica and I. Jessica is going through something.. and I just don't know what to do for her.
I try so hard.. I remember what it was like to be 14, and it wasn't easy. I hated life, I loved my animals, and found it very hard to deal with humans.. humans are mean. Most can't be trusted, they all have an agenda. If they feel bad about themselves, they try to make other people feel worse, so they can feel better about themselves. Teen years are very hard.. we go through changes in our bodies, emotions are high and tense, we don't understand our parents, and we don't think they understand us. We think we know so much, but really know so little. We think we have an understanding of the world, but our world is so small at that age, that we don't have a clue what's really out there. We think we are invincible, yet so fragile at the same time. We think we are old enough, and that 50 is ancient.. and hope we don't live to be 60 or 65, because that is just too old to do anything or be anything of value.
I think about all of those things when I relate to my children.. and because of this.. I am more tolerant about my children's feelings and thoughts, than most of their friend's parents.
Jessica, though, is going through something... that I just can't identify with. She is a very social person, I never was. Her social life is everything to her.. but unfortunately, I don't approve of her social life. It isn't that I don't approve of her friends.. really.. they are very confused children too. I see some of them have parents that don't give a damn what the kids do, and some that blame everything that goes bad in their lives, on their children.. I see lots of things in these kids.. and I feel bad for them.. but they have no tools to cope with what is going on, and parents that are not interested in helping them cope. This is where it becomes a problem for me.. as these kids are showing Jessica a way 'to cope' that is not good, not healthy, and ... just not right.
Jessica is doing drugs, and cutting herself.
The cutting herself.. is an issue.. as she has two friends that cut themselves.. or 'used to ' as Jessica says... but I have a big issue with this.. as I do believe that these two friends, taught her about cutting.. I don't think she came up with this on her own as a way to cope. Not only do I believe that this has something to do with them.. but after the first Baker Act.. she promised not to cut herself.. a few days later.. there were a few new cuts.. but these were different.. not her 'style' of cutting. She told me her friend did it.. but on 'accident'. Now, last weekend.. I find out that not only did the friend not do it on 'accident', but that Jessica was not the only one she cut. So now, when this friend is upset.. instead of cutting herself, she has resorted to cutting her friends.
Jessica wants to have fun and thinks that everything is more fun.. on drugs. Jessica doesn't know how to deal with her anger, so she cuts herself. Now.. the issues here.. Her dad does drugs, her brother does drugs, her friends do drugs... so how can I tell her 'drugs are bad'.. and when I do try to talk to her about drugs.. she goes right into.. 'you take drugs!!'.. I take psych and asthma drugs.. and try to explain that these are prescribed to me.. [and that she also has psych drugs prescribed to her, which she refuses to take.. but will take street drugs instead] but I don't know if she really doesn't see the difference, or she just uses that as an excuse, because she knows that it upsets me.
Well, Jessica and I got into a fight Wednesday night. I had gone to take a nap, and my x was here. She and he were supposed to lay the carpet in the two small rooms that will now become our office and sewing room. Well, while I was asleep, she left.. and he did nothing to stop her.. and didn't bother to wake me until she had been gone for 2 hours, and had come home. I spoke with her about where she was, what she was doing, and why she had not helped her dad.. well mostly, the answers were 'I don't know'. She had taken my cigarettes, and I asked her where they were, she told me her room.. so I went to get them.. and found what looked like valentines M&Ms, so I ate one.. YUCK!! they weren't M&M's. So I asked her what they were, and she told me Skittles.. while watching me spit out the one I ate! Come to find out they are what is called Triple C's.. a flu med.. over the counter that the kids take to 'trip' on. We argued about drugs, and she stated that I could not get her to stop doing drugs, she was going to do whatever the hell she wanted to do, and I couldn't stop her.. Well.. Sekhmet in me came roaring out.. and I grabbed her by both sides of her head, and screamed in her face.. YOU ARE 14, I DO HAVE SOME CONTROL OVER WHAT YOU DO WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT AND THE DRUGS ARE GOING TO STOP HERE AND NOW!! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??? She cried, said she understood.. and went to her room.
She came back an hour later, and asked if she could go talk to a friend down the street.. well it was 1130 at night, and I told her no.. I also know she does drugs with this kid.. maybe it's just pot.. but still the answer was no. We talked for a bit.. she cried.. went to take a shower and went to bed. About an hour later.. I went to check on her.. found that she had sliced up her legs pretty bad, and had taken 14 Triple C's [not sure of the time of the Triple C's, possibly just b4 I found them in her room, cuz I took all I saw and put them in the toilet]. Called 911, and she went to the hospital.
Well, in the last month.. or just over, Jess has been called in for a 'dead body in the ditch' in Saint Cloud.. overdosed.. thank God she wasn't dead.. the next week, she tried to kill herself... and was baker acted again.. and now this..
So... it's just another day in the life....