Meh meh meh!
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
About life, money, love, my future, health, loss, God - or the lack there of, my so-called business, my soul-sucking job at an evil corporation, how I grew up, and just general 30-something-I don't know what the fuck I'm doing or where I'm going-shit.
It's really too much to talk about here, but I'll try to put all of those points above in a short sentence or two.
Life - life sucks right now. Where the hell am I going? What am I doing, and the fact that it's slowly fading away from me, and I'm not a happy person. Life is about happiness, and love, and I barely have any of those. It's quite depressing.
Money - the bane of my whole existence. I want some, so I can live a simple, happy life. I don't ask for much! But what I do want, takes a bit of money. I hate the fact that I need money, but I need it to be happy.. screw those people that said money doesn't make you happy. It does. It gets me an appartment out of this hell-hole, it gets me things I enjoy, like going to dinner once in a while with my sister, and best friend, and you know.. shoes, pants, and shirts without holes in them. That's happiness! Oh and taking care of my little kitteh Seven, who deserves her shots, and being spayed, and deserves going to the vet, and a long long life cuz I love her so much <3. Oh and buying my sister a desk and a bed. She deserves those things, cuz I love her more than anybody else in this world, and want to do good by her.
Love - well we all know what that's all about. Meh.
My future - non existant at this point, but I'm trying to figure it out. That part unfortunately doesn't come without the money part.
Health - I'm still fat. I don't want diabetes. I take meds for some weird ass things that no one has ever heard of.. shit like that. It's confusing and stresses me out cuz I want to eat well, but can't sometimes because of.. well MONEY again.
Loss - I miss my Nana. I miss my ex (still). I miss who and how I used to be. Sigh.
God - I'm seriously leaning towards being an atheist. Maybe I shall write my views on how I now see this world in another update. I just really don't think that God exists anymore, and that is also a loss.
My so-called business - I'm trying to start a business, and I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but if I don't take a risk, I can't get a reward. I'm just stressed, and worried, but trying to GO FOREWARD.
My soul-sucking job at an evil corporation - well that's pretty self explanitory really. (See description of job.) I fucking hate it there. Love my customers, love SOME people who work there, and I like my job and what I do.. but working there is STEALING MY SOUL. I'm not joking.
How I grew up - Well my business has to do with what I love and need to do all the time - organize.. have ORDER physically and mentally. And it's making me think of how I grew up and how fucking wrong it was, and how my sister has now gone through, and is going through the same thing (all be it a lesser version) but still. I watch Hoarders, and Hoarding: Buried Alive, and cry sometimes, because I KNOW how that was. I know how it was to sleep on a pile of clothes. I know how it was to have no friends over EVER - MY ENITRE CHILDHOOD (Except for ONE TIME, and it was ONE GIRL FRIEND, and it never happened again until I was 17.) I know how it was to have cockroaches in my food, over my body, in my ears, their poop still over some books I own because they are cherished books from my childhood. ETC. I could go on and on. But the point of that is that I am still going through some of that - minus the cockroaches - and my sister is too, and it's abnormal, and the only way to get out of that cycle, is to get the fuck out of this hell hole, and take my sister with me.. but again, I need MONEY.
Basically all of that equals general 30-something-I don't know what the fuck I'm doing or where I'm going-shit. Yeah.
So yay I'm gonna go finish cleaning up my room, cuz I re-organized a bunch of stuff, re-did a wall full of butterflies, and I'm gonna go watch a good movie to get all of this off my mind for a few hours!
About life, money, love, my future, health, loss, God - or the lack there of, my so-called business, my soul-sucking job at an evil corporation, how I grew up, and just general 30-something-I don't know what the fuck I'm doing or where I'm going-shit.
It's really too much to talk about here, but I'll try to put all of those points above in a short sentence or two.
Life - life sucks right now. Where the hell am I going? What am I doing, and the fact that it's slowly fading away from me, and I'm not a happy person. Life is about happiness, and love, and I barely have any of those. It's quite depressing.
Money - the bane of my whole existence. I want some, so I can live a simple, happy life. I don't ask for much! But what I do want, takes a bit of money. I hate the fact that I need money, but I need it to be happy.. screw those people that said money doesn't make you happy. It does. It gets me an appartment out of this hell-hole, it gets me things I enjoy, like going to dinner once in a while with my sister, and best friend, and you know.. shoes, pants, and shirts without holes in them. That's happiness! Oh and taking care of my little kitteh Seven, who deserves her shots, and being spayed, and deserves going to the vet, and a long long life cuz I love her so much <3. Oh and buying my sister a desk and a bed. She deserves those things, cuz I love her more than anybody else in this world, and want to do good by her.
Love - well we all know what that's all about. Meh.
My future - non existant at this point, but I'm trying to figure it out. That part unfortunately doesn't come without the money part.
Health - I'm still fat. I don't want diabetes. I take meds for some weird ass things that no one has ever heard of.. shit like that. It's confusing and stresses me out cuz I want to eat well, but can't sometimes because of.. well MONEY again.
Loss - I miss my Nana. I miss my ex (still). I miss who and how I used to be. Sigh.
God - I'm seriously leaning towards being an atheist. Maybe I shall write my views on how I now see this world in another update. I just really don't think that God exists anymore, and that is also a loss.
My so-called business - I'm trying to start a business, and I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but if I don't take a risk, I can't get a reward. I'm just stressed, and worried, but trying to GO FOREWARD.
My soul-sucking job at an evil corporation - well that's pretty self explanitory really. (See description of job.) I fucking hate it there. Love my customers, love SOME people who work there, and I like my job and what I do.. but working there is STEALING MY SOUL. I'm not joking.
How I grew up - Well my business has to do with what I love and need to do all the time - organize.. have ORDER physically and mentally. And it's making me think of how I grew up and how fucking wrong it was, and how my sister has now gone through, and is going through the same thing (all be it a lesser version) but still. I watch Hoarders, and Hoarding: Buried Alive, and cry sometimes, because I KNOW how that was. I know how it was to sleep on a pile of clothes. I know how it was to have no friends over EVER - MY ENITRE CHILDHOOD (Except for ONE TIME, and it was ONE GIRL FRIEND, and it never happened again until I was 17.) I know how it was to have cockroaches in my food, over my body, in my ears, their poop still over some books I own because they are cherished books from my childhood. ETC. I could go on and on. But the point of that is that I am still going through some of that - minus the cockroaches - and my sister is too, and it's abnormal, and the only way to get out of that cycle, is to get the fuck out of this hell hole, and take my sister with me.. but again, I need MONEY.
Basically all of that equals general 30-something-I don't know what the fuck I'm doing or where I'm going-shit. Yeah.
So yay I'm gonna go finish cleaning up my room, cuz I re-organized a bunch of stuff, re-did a wall full of butterflies, and I'm gonna go watch a good movie to get all of this off my mind for a few hours!