vindication
i hum it. the sounds of the song swims in my head, the words lapping up from the unconscious ocean onto my conscious beaches.
'hope...dangles on a string...'
i don't know if it is just one thing. the intensity of his voice as he beelches and you can't help but to worship the words. cuz it's so true.
and we all go through some vindication. it comes in different forms: hazing, confessionals, fasting, self imposed isolation, survival. i know i had to prove myself recently. and it hurted to do it, because i don't believe it. vindication seems to force a level of guilt on you, when shouldn't people always have the benefit of the doubt? but, our human nature always thinks lesser of our own kind.
but it also hurts, because you're voicing your faults. before, what wasn't so perfect about me i could keep to myself, as if it was a fable. if i didn't read it out loud, it wouldn't be true. the trolls won't exist under the bridge until i aknowledge it. and when that moment comes for you to apologize and admit these faults, they become solidified. they stare you down, in your way like the ka'ba.
so now what?
learning something new about myself still amazes me, because what i learn about myself is constantly something i've known for a while, just never cared or was too chicken to admit to.
so now i remind myself of my faults, and training myself in behavior to do things to keep me from regressing. i carry a purse with all my important belongings, like a special kid and their i.d. tag. i force myself out of bed so that i won't be late to my classes, i am paying for them. i take time out of my schehdule to tell people that i love that i love them. or emailing, since i don't have a phone still. i'm only taking 4 classes, and cutting back on my work, because i cannot do everything and i have to sleep like everyone else. and then another 203 other things.
because at the end of the day, i'll still might not be able to find my rings because i forgot where i had placed it.
'i told you to put all your jewlry into the white plastic jar after you're done with it lisa!'
'sorry lisa'
and then i try again the next day. because the odd thing about life is it seems everyone single problem will releat itself, some in closer intervals than others. i mean, how many fuqing times do i have to go to the financial aid office to resolve loan issues? and then it's been every semester. the first two weeks are dedicated to getting that pretty loan, before i am deregistered, in which i have to get re-registered, to get back into class to tell the professor that i can't be in class yet, cuz i have to deal with some loose ends. because shit really does happen. and i wonder why, for what reasons?
and these problems makes me wonder about myself. what am i doing? why am i doing this shit again? can i really not join the ranks of normal human beings? will i never sleep before 1 in the morning? and that's where vindication comes into play. it's not proof for other people about my character, but reminders about myself to me. self written letters. reminders of things that i already knew, or things i have already known about but never solidified.
i have to remember that things will always come up. problems will always come up. issues, drama, questions, curiousities, longings. two sayings pops into my head:
you can't make choices without constraints, because then everything would be possible. courtesy of beverlee.
there's too many new mistakes to make to repeat the same mistakes
even though when these 'faults' are solidified and they become blocks, they don't get in my way. they're now stepping stones so that i may stand higher to see the horizon.
'hope...dangles on a string...'
i don't know if it is just one thing. the intensity of his voice as he beelches and you can't help but to worship the words. cuz it's so true.
and we all go through some vindication. it comes in different forms: hazing, confessionals, fasting, self imposed isolation, survival. i know i had to prove myself recently. and it hurted to do it, because i don't believe it. vindication seems to force a level of guilt on you, when shouldn't people always have the benefit of the doubt? but, our human nature always thinks lesser of our own kind.
but it also hurts, because you're voicing your faults. before, what wasn't so perfect about me i could keep to myself, as if it was a fable. if i didn't read it out loud, it wouldn't be true. the trolls won't exist under the bridge until i aknowledge it. and when that moment comes for you to apologize and admit these faults, they become solidified. they stare you down, in your way like the ka'ba.
so now what?
learning something new about myself still amazes me, because what i learn about myself is constantly something i've known for a while, just never cared or was too chicken to admit to.
so now i remind myself of my faults, and training myself in behavior to do things to keep me from regressing. i carry a purse with all my important belongings, like a special kid and their i.d. tag. i force myself out of bed so that i won't be late to my classes, i am paying for them. i take time out of my schehdule to tell people that i love that i love them. or emailing, since i don't have a phone still. i'm only taking 4 classes, and cutting back on my work, because i cannot do everything and i have to sleep like everyone else. and then another 203 other things.
because at the end of the day, i'll still might not be able to find my rings because i forgot where i had placed it.
'i told you to put all your jewlry into the white plastic jar after you're done with it lisa!'
'sorry lisa'
and then i try again the next day. because the odd thing about life is it seems everyone single problem will releat itself, some in closer intervals than others. i mean, how many fuqing times do i have to go to the financial aid office to resolve loan issues? and then it's been every semester. the first two weeks are dedicated to getting that pretty loan, before i am deregistered, in which i have to get re-registered, to get back into class to tell the professor that i can't be in class yet, cuz i have to deal with some loose ends. because shit really does happen. and i wonder why, for what reasons?
and these problems makes me wonder about myself. what am i doing? why am i doing this shit again? can i really not join the ranks of normal human beings? will i never sleep before 1 in the morning? and that's where vindication comes into play. it's not proof for other people about my character, but reminders about myself to me. self written letters. reminders of things that i already knew, or things i have already known about but never solidified.
i have to remember that things will always come up. problems will always come up. issues, drama, questions, curiousities, longings. two sayings pops into my head:
you can't make choices without constraints, because then everything would be possible. courtesy of beverlee.
there's too many new mistakes to make to repeat the same mistakes
even though when these 'faults' are solidified and they become blocks, they don't get in my way. they're now stepping stones so that i may stand higher to see the horizon.