The Next Fork In The Road, Part 2
The Next Fork In The Road - http://monaboyd-month.livejournal.com/104149.html
Pairing - BB/DM
Rating - to be determined - currently PG13, but knowing me very likely to wind up NC-17. I can sense a Part 3 is inevitable. (I'm outrageous...)
Disclaimer - all fiction & fantasy.
I spent awhile trying to understand what Billy's intense pain was all about - why something they had both always known would cause such a dramatic change in their lives and/or relationship should everyone's cards be visible, so to speak. I have never done this before either, but I thought the idea quite intriguing. So - with encouragement from blackbird_song, and the format of her leading story line, here goes my attempt at one possibility.
Dom was unsure how long he had been riveted where he stood, unable to move or react to Billy's sudden explanation. In the mere blink of an eye, he had almost forgotten to breathe, his mind unable to comprehend exactly what had changed or what else would surely follow.
Glancing up at last he saw Billy continuing to stride away toward the shoreline, his shoulders slumped from the effort and apparent burden of all he had recently endured.
"Billy!" he yelled, his voice nearly lost in the winds so common near the ocean.
"Billy!" he tried again, breaking into a run.
Billy slowed to a stop as Dom grabbed his arm from behind and forced him to turn around.
"Billy," he repeated, desperate now for his response. "Are - are you leaving me?" he managed, mounting fear evident in his eyes.
Billy looked back at him with brimming eyes, tears threatening to overflow at any moment. Dom had only seen Billy cry a handful of times, and most of those had been while in character. This burst of emotion was unusual for him, not because he was uninvolved or uninterested in everyone he cared about, but rather because not since he had lost both parents within a short time years ago had so much been at stake for him in one single turn of events.
"Billy, please," Dom all but whispered, his own terror beginning to overwhelm him, his fingers clutching desperately at Billy's shoulders. "Please don't," he repeated, his own voice almost inaudible.
Billy shook his head vigorously, not waiting for him to finish, but not trusting himself to form words quite yet. He grabbed onto Dom where they stood, one hand twisting into his shirt collar, the other anchoring itself in a handful of cloth near his belt line.
Unable to look at him quite yet, Billy's eyes fell to the sand at their feet, tiny waves brushing the top of their shoes where they stood in the early evening tide. He struggled for several moments just to swallow, his breath becoming ragged as though he had been running uphill as he attempted to squelch the tears before they could fall.
He shook his head in one final effort, looking up as a single tear fell from the corner of one eye.
"No," he managed, his voice firm, but broken by the strain. "Christ no, Dom, not if you'll have me anyway."
Dom planted his forehead against Billy's, waves of relief washing over him, his knees beginning to quiver, unable to react further or move beyond the moment. He ran one hand over Billy's head, smoothing his hair in some frantic attempt to help him, still reeling and recuperating from his own intense fear.
For years they had steered their way together through the uncertainties of acting, making movies, music, and this generally rough and tumble business. They had shared almost everything there was to share with another human being, from the intoxicating highs of success to the deep lows of disappointment, sometimes at opposing points in time. Through all of it there remained the constant anchor they had in one another, their endless bond of friendship, and the eventual tumble into love, with which they had both struggled at different points in time. Now facing the ultimate crossroad, Billy had come to terms with himself and his own sometimes badly managed priorities. He had faced himself directly head on at last, stared down the demons separating him from his deepest intentions, and emerged on the far side of his struggle determined to live differently thereafter. He was ready to accept his own ultimate happiness if he could find the courage to pursue it. His greatest remaining fear was embedded in the worry he had waited too long to be assertive, and too many things long postponed might not be possible to fulfill.
"Ok, so she knows," Dom tried with some uncertainty, attempting to move forward, his eyes still focused on Billy, but some sense of confidence beginning to return. "I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted, but apparently it's what we need to deal it."
He paused then, studying his face before continuing.
"So what the fuck happened, Billy?"
Billy looked up at him then, trepidation apparent on his face before replying. His cheeks were beginning to color slightly, his discomfort clear even before he could speak.
"I said something really stupid, Dom, even for me," he began, glancing down as though searching for the courage to continue. "Suffice it to say I used the wrong name at the wrong moment," he finished, blushing fully. "Yeah, I couldn't explain that one away very well, now could I?"
Dom stared at him for several seconds, the comprehension of Billy's confession washing over him. His eyes softened as he understood Billy's overall reluctance, followed by a sudden burst of discomfort as he tried to imagine himself in the same situation.
"Oh, Billy," he offered, cupping his face with both hands, fixing him in place as his own mind whirled, searching for some potentially comforting explanation. He simultaneously understood there was truly nothing to offer that could make that predicament immediately better for anyone. They stood together then, momentarily quiet but both of them thinking furiously as the sun lowered itself in the sky, the waves digging deeper into the shoreline where they stood.
"It's not that I'm ashamed of what I said," Billy added suddenly, breaking the silence, "but I am worried sick about my son, Dom. What if I've done something so damaging that I've ruined my relationship with him? I couldn't bear that," he added, his voice fading.
"Nor could I," Dom thought helplessly.
"What do you mean?" Dom forced himself to ask anyway. "Why would you think that?"
Billy worked to calm himself, fortified now by the fact that Dom stood in this moment with him, the pent up frustration and worry that had been hounding him for weeks still overwhelming but at last having somewhere else to go.
"Because," he began before pausing again, as though carefully weighing his choice of words, "because I wanted a child, and I wanted to be in control," he tried to explain. "I wanted things that weren't really entirely possible, and I was self-focused in the way I went about it," he concluded.
Dom remained quiet, waiting patiently and allowing him the opportunity to explain further.
"I was with you because I wanted to be," Billy continued, "but biology is biology, yet - I tried to have it all. I'll never forgive myself if I lose my son's respect as a result, because he will in all likelihood eventually understand how truly dishonest I was with both you and his mother."
Billy did look away then, his eyes wandering toward the horizon to take in the glow of the new sunset where the sky turned rosy and orange.
"So what now?" Dom asked quietly, almost unable to think for himself. "What do you want me to do, Billy?"
Billy looked at him then, fatigue and worry heavily evident in his eyes, but taking a deep breath, he continued.
"I'm here to give you the chance to tell me what you want first," he said, his tone having grown steady and stronger. "As I said, I was dishonest with you as well," he added, "and although I hope you can feel how much I love you, I haven't ever given you the chance to tell me if you wanted the same things I do. You didn't deserve to be shelved until I could put together a child with someone else. It was wrong of me, and I'm sorry, but it's too late to do anything about that now."
"I want you!" Dom blurted out, his mind still scrambling to understand the full scope of all Billy was asking of him. "I can be a right selfish bastard, too, Billy," he argued, "but I can't lose you."
Billy didn't answer immediately, his eyes locked with Dom in a virtual tug of war of hope and understanding.
"And I'll help you in any way I can with Jack," he added, desperate to make himself totally clear. "You must know that, Billy."
Billy smiled at him then, familiar green eyes lighting up as they always did when he was content with himself and the world around him. Determined to keep him happy, Dom smiled broadly in return despite the raw edges of worry still carving away at his heart.
"I'll do anything for you," Dom emphasized, his thoughts and subsequent words beginning to flow quickly now. "We've both made mistakes, but I don't care about any of that now. Please, please stay, and I can promise you we'll sort this thing out."