Fic: "White Lies"
Title: White Lies
Special Thanks to tarteaucitron for the beta.
Disclaimer: I harbor no delusions that this actually happened, and neither should you. Also the only payment I get out of this is hours of entertainment, so.
Summary: Some people find out the hard way.
It is just a fact of the universe that those little white lies we tell each other, and ourselves, slowly take us over, take over our lives until they consume us, change us, become us. Eat and shape and add and subtract and bend us until we are something else. Until we believe them.
And then they come apart and because they are us, so do we.
Not everyone is aware of this fundamental working of the universe. Some people find out the hard way.
*
“I love you, Bill,” Dom says for the first time, but Billy doesn't actually think he means it, well, like that. He thinks nothing of his reply in kind, merely returning to his morning newspaper until the thickening silence sues for his attention. Slowly, he looks up.
“No,” Dom amends, fidgeting in a fashion appropriate only to small children and people named Dom. “I mean, uh -"
And really? Billy may have been okay if only he hadn't looked, hadn't seen the discomfort, the pain, true and deep and too old on a face that has always been so young and vibrantly optimistic. The worst part is that he has put it there.
He can't help it. It just slips out. “Yeah,” he says and tries not to bite his lip. “I love you too.”
It is only a little white lie.
*
It is something of a whirlwind courtship. After all, it isn't that Billy is unattracted to Dom; he is actually quite good-looking for a bloke and if the relationship bears a rather closer relationship to lust than love Billy only feels slightly guilty. Unaccountably, he thinks. Because Dom is attractive - and flexible - and they are both consenting adults.
And so what if Dom is in love with him? It isn't Billy's fault, and he is giving as good as he gets - and then some! There is nothing wrong with that (lies), with this (lies), with them (lies). It isn't like he's using him or anything. (Is it?)
And the lie grows.
*
“I love you,” Billy says one day without really meaning to, and finds himself vaguely surprised to discover that it's true.
Dom glows and grumbles happily and snuggles closer like he always does. “I know,” he says cheekily, and because of their mutual love of Star Wars, then finishes up with a saccharine, “I love you, too.”
It is strange, but for a second Billy wants to take back all of those other I-love-yous, those fibs (lies) and say, No, this one. Just this one, like this, always. This time I mean it.
But he can't do that because then Dom will know about the other times (lies), and Dom will be hurt, impossibly hurt, maybe broken, and Dom will leave him.
So Billy doesn't say anything and that, too, is a lie.
*
It changes (us) (them) (everything).
*
Being with Billy is a lot like those dreams where you think you can fly, so it isn't any wonder that Dom wants to spend every waking moment with him. It never crosses his mind that he is, in reality, afraid of heights. Somehow, it does not occur to him that he should be afraid of this.
Not at first, anyway. When Billy starts appearing in Dom's dreams he is absolutely terrified. This isn't the sort of thing he can keep a secret; he doesn't know when he stopped thinking of Billy as his other half and started casting him in the role of other half, but. What's done is done and Dom isn't very good at keeping secrets, or at least not his own.
So he steels himself and waits for the right moment, open heart and mind and mouth.
*
Dom has always known Billy doesn't really love him. Not Like That. But Dom appreciates a good deed and really, people - including himself - are inherently selfish. It won't do either of them any good to call Billy's bluff so he goes along with it.
They play a surprisingly good happy couple. Partly this is because they are, after all, actors. Partly it is because they have lots of practice being the very best of friends.
It seems like they have everyone fooled - including themselves.
But after a while, Dom gets tired of hearing empty I-love-yous.
*
He starts with the ominous “We have to talk.” But he can't put Billy through all of the shite he'd make up for anyone else, about how it just isn't working out, about it's not you it's me, so he swallows his heart and says, “I don't - I'm not in love with you any more.” His delivery is gentle but firm and, he knows, altogether convincing. Dom is a good actor.
It is just a fact of the universe that those little white lies we tell each other, and ourselves, slowly take us over, take over our lives until they consume us, change us, become us. Eat and shape and add and subtract and bend us until we are something else. Until we believe them.
And then they come apart and because they are us, so do we.
It is only a little white lie.
Special Thanks to tarteaucitron for the beta.
Disclaimer: I harbor no delusions that this actually happened, and neither should you. Also the only payment I get out of this is hours of entertainment, so.
Summary: Some people find out the hard way.
It is just a fact of the universe that those little white lies we tell each other, and ourselves, slowly take us over, take over our lives until they consume us, change us, become us. Eat and shape and add and subtract and bend us until we are something else. Until we believe them.
And then they come apart and because they are us, so do we.
Not everyone is aware of this fundamental working of the universe. Some people find out the hard way.
*
“I love you, Bill,” Dom says for the first time, but Billy doesn't actually think he means it, well, like that. He thinks nothing of his reply in kind, merely returning to his morning newspaper until the thickening silence sues for his attention. Slowly, he looks up.
“No,” Dom amends, fidgeting in a fashion appropriate only to small children and people named Dom. “I mean, uh -"
And really? Billy may have been okay if only he hadn't looked, hadn't seen the discomfort, the pain, true and deep and too old on a face that has always been so young and vibrantly optimistic. The worst part is that he has put it there.
He can't help it. It just slips out. “Yeah,” he says and tries not to bite his lip. “I love you too.”
It is only a little white lie.
*
It is something of a whirlwind courtship. After all, it isn't that Billy is unattracted to Dom; he is actually quite good-looking for a bloke and if the relationship bears a rather closer relationship to lust than love Billy only feels slightly guilty. Unaccountably, he thinks. Because Dom is attractive - and flexible - and they are both consenting adults.
And so what if Dom is in love with him? It isn't Billy's fault, and he is giving as good as he gets - and then some! There is nothing wrong with that (lies), with this (lies), with them (lies). It isn't like he's using him or anything. (Is it?)
And the lie grows.
*
“I love you,” Billy says one day without really meaning to, and finds himself vaguely surprised to discover that it's true.
Dom glows and grumbles happily and snuggles closer like he always does. “I know,” he says cheekily, and because of their mutual love of Star Wars, then finishes up with a saccharine, “I love you, too.”
It is strange, but for a second Billy wants to take back all of those other I-love-yous, those fibs (lies) and say, No, this one. Just this one, like this, always. This time I mean it.
But he can't do that because then Dom will know about the other times (lies), and Dom will be hurt, impossibly hurt, maybe broken, and Dom will leave him.
So Billy doesn't say anything and that, too, is a lie.
*
It changes (us) (them) (everything).
*
Being with Billy is a lot like those dreams where you think you can fly, so it isn't any wonder that Dom wants to spend every waking moment with him. It never crosses his mind that he is, in reality, afraid of heights. Somehow, it does not occur to him that he should be afraid of this.
Not at first, anyway. When Billy starts appearing in Dom's dreams he is absolutely terrified. This isn't the sort of thing he can keep a secret; he doesn't know when he stopped thinking of Billy as his other half and started casting him in the role of other half, but. What's done is done and Dom isn't very good at keeping secrets, or at least not his own.
So he steels himself and waits for the right moment, open heart and mind and mouth.
*
Dom has always known Billy doesn't really love him. Not Like That. But Dom appreciates a good deed and really, people - including himself - are inherently selfish. It won't do either of them any good to call Billy's bluff so he goes along with it.
They play a surprisingly good happy couple. Partly this is because they are, after all, actors. Partly it is because they have lots of practice being the very best of friends.
It seems like they have everyone fooled - including themselves.
But after a while, Dom gets tired of hearing empty I-love-yous.
*
He starts with the ominous “We have to talk.” But he can't put Billy through all of the shite he'd make up for anyone else, about how it just isn't working out, about it's not you it's me, so he swallows his heart and says, “I don't - I'm not in love with you any more.” His delivery is gentle but firm and, he knows, altogether convincing. Dom is a good actor.
It is just a fact of the universe that those little white lies we tell each other, and ourselves, slowly take us over, take over our lives until they consume us, change us, become us. Eat and shape and add and subtract and bend us until we are something else. Until we believe them.
And then they come apart and because they are us, so do we.
It is only a little white lie.