It's ALIVE.
Um, hi everyone.
Wow, it's been a long time. I've been in regular or quasi-sort-of-intermittent touch with some of you so I trust The Internets in general knows I'm still alive and stuff. :) But I got a bug up my ass tonight and figured I'd pop on with an update-y thing.
Man, like. You guys.
It's REALLY fucking hard to get back into posting and reading LJ when you've been gone for a while and it gets harder the longer you go. I'm in a fic-reading and TV-watching place but not so much interested in Fandom right now. If that makes sense. I initially checked out because it started to be more annoying and crazy-making than anything and my philosophy is to get the hell gone when it stops being fun. Otherwise you become one of Those People who start trouble and do nothing but bitch and moan. So I bailed! TEMPORARILY. A hiatus, if you will. I do this sometimes, if my fannish history is anything to go by. I bail for about a year and take a break, but I always return. Like a good addict. :-D
Then I've been, as they say, "working on me" and it's hard for me to tolerate the Audience aspect of LJ during that. Too many people WATCHING was making me twitchy and I couldn't deal. I've decided that I can't promise return comments, even though it makes me feel like a shithead, because then I decide that I MUST reply, then it feels like work instead of fun, then I run away and hide, and then I don't post at all. Which is a totally unproductive vicious circle.
So let's see. Life of Mona.
- I remain in utter, ridiculous love with Supernatural and I've not in any way given up on writing fic for it. In fact, I have one that's starting to come together (meaning, it'll be a few more months before it's done, based on my record *sigh*) that takes place between season 3 and 4. If it comes together the way I want it to, I might even love it. *zips lips* And that's all I have to say about that.
- I'm sort of at a loss, fannishly, beyond that. The end of SGA sucks, not because I was loving the show -- because the show kind of always sucked more than it rocked -- but because the fandom hasn't been outputting as much. Which is the way of things. But sad nonetheless.
- I've been concentrating on getting My Life together these past months and that's going slowly but surely. There's been a lot of financial planning on Boy's and my part and it's WEIRD Y'ALL. *handflaps all around* But it makes me feel pretty stable and, dare I say it, adult. Also, we had the kitchen remodeled a few weeks ago and the end result is lovely (even if I can't really reach the microwave - god, don't ask).
- The ten year anniversary of my mom's death came and went this April and....Well, it hit me a lot harder than I ever expected. I don't really have a lot to say about it except that it really brought home how much I've changed in the past ten years, how much of that change was brought about because of her death, and how it's less about sadness that she's dead and more about sadness that I don't know if she'd recognize me anymore. I don't mourn HER as much anymore as I mourn her absence in the past decade of my life. I've actually been going through a lot of deep parental shit these past few months and it makes me tired. Speaking of which...
- Right now there's shit with my father - he sent me an email (after two unreturned phone calls and one or two emails over the past eight months) that made my vision go white to the horizon with rage and I finally snapped. I finally fucking snapped and sent him back a message saying basically, "STFU, you have no right, you are not entitled to my time or to any relationship with me. I'm a 29 yr old woman who's been doing it without your help all my life, not a naughty teenager who stayed out too late. I'm not interested in repairing this 'relationship' because it never existed to begin with. Contact me via this email address if you have 'important' things to tell me. Fuck you very much." That was last Thursday and I've yet to get anything back from him. Oh yeah, I'm SO important. *eyeroll* So that's been srsly on my mind and affecting my mental state. Therapy has taught me that my inner 5 yr old is mourning him and deeply hurt by his non-response while the rest of me expected it and is relieved by it. Ktmagik called it - he's delusional and my email does not fit in with his delusional little world so he's ignoring it.
If, uh, you aren't familiar with my lack-of-relationship with my father, trust me when I tell you that there isn't one. I would eat my favorite pair of shoes if he doesn't have either Narcissistic or Histrionic Personality Disorder and I'm so done with his self-centered bullshit, I can't even express.
I think this is the shortest version of The Email Story I've managed yet! Woo! \o/
- I really, deeply loathe my job. Not because it's awful or hard but because it's MIND-BENDINGLY BORING and remains UTTERLY unfulfilling to me on ANY level. But my debt-repayment plan keeps me in it for another year or so before going back to school and I will make it through. I will. Right now I'm just really happy to HAVE a job. Our salaries are remaining at 2008 levels but no one's gotten laid off (yet - *crosses fingers*). I can live with it, even if my brain might melt out my ears someday soon.
- I realize in re-reading this that I'm making life sound a lot worse than it is. I'm actually doing really well outwardly, and doing a lot of deep thinking and working-through internally, and it's all good and productive adult-type-shit. If you know what I mean. *grins*
I think that's it! Just a quick drive-by-ish type thing to say that I think of everyone here often and I hope I can get myself back into the habit of this thing they call LJ soon. If/when I ever move to Dreamwidth or anything like that - I'll definitely be letting everyone know. I love all y'all crazy bitches! Keep on.
Omg, also. THREE DAY WEEKEND WOOT WOOT. \o/
Wow, it's been a long time. I've been in regular or quasi-sort-of-intermittent touch with some of you so I trust The Internets in general knows I'm still alive and stuff. :) But I got a bug up my ass tonight and figured I'd pop on with an update-y thing.
Man, like. You guys.
It's REALLY fucking hard to get back into posting and reading LJ when you've been gone for a while and it gets harder the longer you go. I'm in a fic-reading and TV-watching place but not so much interested in Fandom right now. If that makes sense. I initially checked out because it started to be more annoying and crazy-making than anything and my philosophy is to get the hell gone when it stops being fun. Otherwise you become one of Those People who start trouble and do nothing but bitch and moan. So I bailed! TEMPORARILY. A hiatus, if you will. I do this sometimes, if my fannish history is anything to go by. I bail for about a year and take a break, but I always return. Like a good addict. :-D
Then I've been, as they say, "working on me" and it's hard for me to tolerate the Audience aspect of LJ during that. Too many people WATCHING was making me twitchy and I couldn't deal. I've decided that I can't promise return comments, even though it makes me feel like a shithead, because then I decide that I MUST reply, then it feels like work instead of fun, then I run away and hide, and then I don't post at all. Which is a totally unproductive vicious circle.
So let's see. Life of Mona.
- I remain in utter, ridiculous love with Supernatural and I've not in any way given up on writing fic for it. In fact, I have one that's starting to come together (meaning, it'll be a few more months before it's done, based on my record *sigh*) that takes place between season 3 and 4. If it comes together the way I want it to, I might even love it. *zips lips* And that's all I have to say about that.
- I'm sort of at a loss, fannishly, beyond that. The end of SGA sucks, not because I was loving the show -- because the show kind of always sucked more than it rocked -- but because the fandom hasn't been outputting as much. Which is the way of things. But sad nonetheless.
- I've been concentrating on getting My Life together these past months and that's going slowly but surely. There's been a lot of financial planning on Boy's and my part and it's WEIRD Y'ALL. *handflaps all around* But it makes me feel pretty stable and, dare I say it, adult. Also, we had the kitchen remodeled a few weeks ago and the end result is lovely (even if I can't really reach the microwave - god, don't ask).
- The ten year anniversary of my mom's death came and went this April and....Well, it hit me a lot harder than I ever expected. I don't really have a lot to say about it except that it really brought home how much I've changed in the past ten years, how much of that change was brought about because of her death, and how it's less about sadness that she's dead and more about sadness that I don't know if she'd recognize me anymore. I don't mourn HER as much anymore as I mourn her absence in the past decade of my life. I've actually been going through a lot of deep parental shit these past few months and it makes me tired. Speaking of which...
- Right now there's shit with my father - he sent me an email (after two unreturned phone calls and one or two emails over the past eight months) that made my vision go white to the horizon with rage and I finally snapped. I finally fucking snapped and sent him back a message saying basically, "STFU, you have no right, you are not entitled to my time or to any relationship with me. I'm a 29 yr old woman who's been doing it without your help all my life, not a naughty teenager who stayed out too late. I'm not interested in repairing this 'relationship' because it never existed to begin with. Contact me via this email address if you have 'important' things to tell me. Fuck you very much." That was last Thursday and I've yet to get anything back from him. Oh yeah, I'm SO important. *eyeroll* So that's been srsly on my mind and affecting my mental state. Therapy has taught me that my inner 5 yr old is mourning him and deeply hurt by his non-response while the rest of me expected it and is relieved by it. Ktmagik called it - he's delusional and my email does not fit in with his delusional little world so he's ignoring it.
If, uh, you aren't familiar with my lack-of-relationship with my father, trust me when I tell you that there isn't one. I would eat my favorite pair of shoes if he doesn't have either Narcissistic or Histrionic Personality Disorder and I'm so done with his self-centered bullshit, I can't even express.
I think this is the shortest version of The Email Story I've managed yet! Woo! \o/
- I really, deeply loathe my job. Not because it's awful or hard but because it's MIND-BENDINGLY BORING and remains UTTERLY unfulfilling to me on ANY level. But my debt-repayment plan keeps me in it for another year or so before going back to school and I will make it through. I will. Right now I'm just really happy to HAVE a job. Our salaries are remaining at 2008 levels but no one's gotten laid off (yet - *crosses fingers*). I can live with it, even if my brain might melt out my ears someday soon.
- I realize in re-reading this that I'm making life sound a lot worse than it is. I'm actually doing really well outwardly, and doing a lot of deep thinking and working-through internally, and it's all good and productive adult-type-shit. If you know what I mean. *grins*
I think that's it! Just a quick drive-by-ish type thing to say that I think of everyone here often and I hope I can get myself back into the habit of this thing they call LJ soon. If/when I ever move to Dreamwidth or anything like that - I'll definitely be letting everyone know. I love all y'all crazy bitches! Keep on.
Omg, also. THREE DAY WEEKEND WOOT WOOT. \o/