(no subject)
I am so lonely here. So lonely. And without cause. I am surrounded by amazing caring people and I can't reach out. What the fuck. Why can't I trust people? Or why won't I let myself trust people?
I wish someone from home was here. I wish Stewart or Kimberly or Leslie or one person from my past life was here in the dorm with me, in band with me. Someone I could lean on, someone I didn't have to ask to pay attention to me, someone I felt comfortable crying on. I want to cry so badly.
I trusted Luke. I asked him to read my autobiography, hoped he'd understand me and who and why I am, hoped maybe I could grow to be good friends with him. And now...well now he has a girlfriend who came out of the blue and he's all wrapped up in that. I am happy for him, but I'm a selfish bitch...even if I wasn't sure how to respond, it was nice to know someone in the world who didn't have to for blood or for past friendship loved me, and now I'm feeling pretty damn alone. Feels like everyone is so depressed here, and none of us talk to each other about the important things. People are either glowing in new or rekindled relationships, and I don't want to fuck that up, or dealing with terrible things and hiding tears and just generally way more deserving of a shoulder to cry on and someone to keep them from feeling alone than I am.
Picnic Day was lovely though. That I will say. I think I'm just overstressed and tired from that still, worrying about alcohol use and figuring out who I am. I'm so homesick, missing my sister especially and my friends. It has not been so long since spring break, but it feels like ages since I've been around people who I could hug without a reason, without asking, been around people who would tease me and hold my hand until I could relax enough to sleep. I hate these late nights where I keep myself up for being too tired. I am so tired right now.
Ugh, such a nattering nabob of negativity. Just needed to vent because it was a positive alternative to breaking down and crying. I can't wait for my own room next year, hopefully somewhere I can feel safe and block out the world when I don't want to deal with it. Somehow five feet square of a three person room doesn't feel safe and cozy enough to protect me sometimes. Sometimes the only way to beat loneliness is to face it, to seek being alone for a little bit. Perhaps that's why I love walking to class so much, why I resist the bike culture so fiercely.
Goodnight, kiddos. I love you so much. I miss you so much I don't know what to do with myself.
I wish someone from home was here. I wish Stewart or Kimberly or Leslie or one person from my past life was here in the dorm with me, in band with me. Someone I could lean on, someone I didn't have to ask to pay attention to me, someone I felt comfortable crying on. I want to cry so badly.
I trusted Luke. I asked him to read my autobiography, hoped he'd understand me and who and why I am, hoped maybe I could grow to be good friends with him. And now...well now he has a girlfriend who came out of the blue and he's all wrapped up in that. I am happy for him, but I'm a selfish bitch...even if I wasn't sure how to respond, it was nice to know someone in the world who didn't have to for blood or for past friendship loved me, and now I'm feeling pretty damn alone. Feels like everyone is so depressed here, and none of us talk to each other about the important things. People are either glowing in new or rekindled relationships, and I don't want to fuck that up, or dealing with terrible things and hiding tears and just generally way more deserving of a shoulder to cry on and someone to keep them from feeling alone than I am.
Picnic Day was lovely though. That I will say. I think I'm just overstressed and tired from that still, worrying about alcohol use and figuring out who I am. I'm so homesick, missing my sister especially and my friends. It has not been so long since spring break, but it feels like ages since I've been around people who I could hug without a reason, without asking, been around people who would tease me and hold my hand until I could relax enough to sleep. I hate these late nights where I keep myself up for being too tired. I am so tired right now.
Ugh, such a nattering nabob of negativity. Just needed to vent because it was a positive alternative to breaking down and crying. I can't wait for my own room next year, hopefully somewhere I can feel safe and block out the world when I don't want to deal with it. Somehow five feet square of a three person room doesn't feel safe and cozy enough to protect me sometimes. Sometimes the only way to beat loneliness is to face it, to seek being alone for a little bit. Perhaps that's why I love walking to class so much, why I resist the bike culture so fiercely.
Goodnight, kiddos. I love you so much. I miss you so much I don't know what to do with myself.