(no subject)
Hello world. I do indeed still exist, and I miss writing, so I'm going to try starting it up again. I worry about drama and all that from past experiences, but it's good to have somewhere to get my emo-ness and repetitiveness and angriness out, so if you don't want to read my honest and fleeting opinions of stuff, tough luck.
Wasn't a huge fan of Valentine's Day this year. I got an email from Luke with a song attached and I keep thinking about it. I haven't matured emotionally, love-life-wise, at all in college. It scares me to see and feel the same trends that fucked me over in high school. Yes there were amazing times, but there were also many things I hoped to escape in college, especially in IS. Valentine's Day seemed like everyone was having drama and pairing up or reveling in their pre-existant pairings. I don't want to say I'm jealous, I'm just frustrated with how everyone still seems so superficial about love. The older bandsmen all seem to have these intense, healthy, wonderful relationships, and all of us freshmen are just running around in one big soap opera. It's silly. I'd like to meet someone who magically knows me as a close friend already and is incredibly attractive and wonderful and makes me smile without being so forward he scares me away, someone who I don't start to like merely because he likes me and I don't want to hurt him by not liking him. Pretty straightforward, no?
I miss everyone from high school. It worries me how bad I've been at keeping in touch with people. Seems almost like the closer we were in high school, especially senior year, the less well I've done at keeping tabs on you. I mean, we are all busy and wrapped up in our own schools and worlds, but they're my friends. They are people who made up the entirety of my world, and now I don't even know if I could have a five minute conversation with some of them. Growing up and growing apart is so sad and scary. I'm not very good at missing people. It hurts to feel like so many parts of you are gone and to know that many of them you'll never be with again.
Yay for three day weekends and French and clarinet though. I've been playing in three performing groups this quarter, and I love it though sometimes it reminds me of the crazy business and stress from high school. I laugh because this Friday night was clarinet road trip for the marching band. We went to Sacramento and saw a dinner theater production of "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change." For a tiny theater with a rowdy audience and a low budget, it was an awesome production. I love the title too....makes you think about life I guess, and about how elusive perfection and happiness are. Yay deep thoughts ^_^. Anyway, the reason I laugh...I laugh because of the crazy things we did after the play. We came back to Davis and did some drinking and all sorts of fun bonding activities which were actually really nice. They blindfolded us to drive the freshmen to the play and back, so when we got back to Julianne's and were waiting for everyone we were still in our blindfolds. I think my car was one of the first back - anyway, they gave us drinks while we were waiting. It was a funny feeling drinking with a blindfold on. Rather dangerous, I've decided...I was thirsty and couldn't see how quickly I was draining my glass, which is rather dangerous for someone who tries to drink moderately and not get sick drunk or hung over. Anyway, yeah spent a night drunk, playing with huge foreplay dice and ending up kissing another girl from the section, and making off-color jokes about section members. It was fun; I felt really relaxed and all. Interesting though, knowing the people in my dorm are exceptionally homophobic sometimes and don't drink. They'd have been so scandalized to see me. I'd kind of like to scandalize them though...it's awkward but fun being the "rebellious" one. Silly too...the kiss with the girl from my section, meaningless as it was, was the first time I'd been kissed in a year. Weird to think about relationships and how quickly time passes and what and whom you remember, and who you forget. Parts of high school still seem so immediate, but other parts of it feel so long ago and get all fuzzy when I'm trying to remember them.
On Thursday night we went to look at a house for next year. I'm planning to live with 7 other girls from my dorm. I'm a little bit worried because I do things like I just wrote about (get drunk, kiss girls, play in the cult that is band, come home late, try not to act too girly or too responsible very often) and the other girls are for the most part more conservative and more normal than I am. Then again, they are all incredibly sweet wonderful supportive people, and I live in the same room or right next door to them this year without an issue. Anyway, the house is gorgeous and huge - 5 bedrooms, 5 baths. The kitchen is this tiny little hallway, but we'll survive. I think it's still bigger than my parents' kitchen. (^_^ Not that hard to find a kitchen bigger than my parents', though.) It's exciting to think about having a house. We'll be renting, but still...it will be OUR space. The house has orange trees in the back and we're allowed pets. My friend who lives there now has a rat, and seeing her made me want to get a rat again. It's been a long time since I've had pets, but maybe by now I'd be mature and responsible enough to actually clean the rat's cage once in a while and all that. Something to think about. Regardless of whether we have pets or not, I am so excited for next year. Then again, I'm still excited for the rest of this year. I'm curious to see how everything works out. College feels like time is passing so much more quickly than it did in high school. I can't believe I'm already halfway through my freshman year, reconciled to the fact that I am 18 years old - a legal adult - and to the fact that I am in college and renting my first house. At once I feel very old and very young.
Whew, I think that's enough writing for right now. I love you all so much, and thanks for bearing with me and my spontaneous decision to "write again." We'll see how this goes.
Happy Presidents' Day!
...and happy birthday, John. I love you and miss you still.
Ariel
Wasn't a huge fan of Valentine's Day this year. I got an email from Luke with a song attached and I keep thinking about it. I haven't matured emotionally, love-life-wise, at all in college. It scares me to see and feel the same trends that fucked me over in high school. Yes there were amazing times, but there were also many things I hoped to escape in college, especially in IS. Valentine's Day seemed like everyone was having drama and pairing up or reveling in their pre-existant pairings. I don't want to say I'm jealous, I'm just frustrated with how everyone still seems so superficial about love. The older bandsmen all seem to have these intense, healthy, wonderful relationships, and all of us freshmen are just running around in one big soap opera. It's silly. I'd like to meet someone who magically knows me as a close friend already and is incredibly attractive and wonderful and makes me smile without being so forward he scares me away, someone who I don't start to like merely because he likes me and I don't want to hurt him by not liking him. Pretty straightforward, no?
I miss everyone from high school. It worries me how bad I've been at keeping in touch with people. Seems almost like the closer we were in high school, especially senior year, the less well I've done at keeping tabs on you. I mean, we are all busy and wrapped up in our own schools and worlds, but they're my friends. They are people who made up the entirety of my world, and now I don't even know if I could have a five minute conversation with some of them. Growing up and growing apart is so sad and scary. I'm not very good at missing people. It hurts to feel like so many parts of you are gone and to know that many of them you'll never be with again.
Yay for three day weekends and French and clarinet though. I've been playing in three performing groups this quarter, and I love it though sometimes it reminds me of the crazy business and stress from high school. I laugh because this Friday night was clarinet road trip for the marching band. We went to Sacramento and saw a dinner theater production of "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change." For a tiny theater with a rowdy audience and a low budget, it was an awesome production. I love the title too....makes you think about life I guess, and about how elusive perfection and happiness are. Yay deep thoughts ^_^. Anyway, the reason I laugh...I laugh because of the crazy things we did after the play. We came back to Davis and did some drinking and all sorts of fun bonding activities which were actually really nice. They blindfolded us to drive the freshmen to the play and back, so when we got back to Julianne's and were waiting for everyone we were still in our blindfolds. I think my car was one of the first back - anyway, they gave us drinks while we were waiting. It was a funny feeling drinking with a blindfold on. Rather dangerous, I've decided...I was thirsty and couldn't see how quickly I was draining my glass, which is rather dangerous for someone who tries to drink moderately and not get sick drunk or hung over. Anyway, yeah spent a night drunk, playing with huge foreplay dice and ending up kissing another girl from the section, and making off-color jokes about section members. It was fun; I felt really relaxed and all. Interesting though, knowing the people in my dorm are exceptionally homophobic sometimes and don't drink. They'd have been so scandalized to see me. I'd kind of like to scandalize them though...it's awkward but fun being the "rebellious" one. Silly too...the kiss with the girl from my section, meaningless as it was, was the first time I'd been kissed in a year. Weird to think about relationships and how quickly time passes and what and whom you remember, and who you forget. Parts of high school still seem so immediate, but other parts of it feel so long ago and get all fuzzy when I'm trying to remember them.
On Thursday night we went to look at a house for next year. I'm planning to live with 7 other girls from my dorm. I'm a little bit worried because I do things like I just wrote about (get drunk, kiss girls, play in the cult that is band, come home late, try not to act too girly or too responsible very often) and the other girls are for the most part more conservative and more normal than I am. Then again, they are all incredibly sweet wonderful supportive people, and I live in the same room or right next door to them this year without an issue. Anyway, the house is gorgeous and huge - 5 bedrooms, 5 baths. The kitchen is this tiny little hallway, but we'll survive. I think it's still bigger than my parents' kitchen. (^_^ Not that hard to find a kitchen bigger than my parents', though.) It's exciting to think about having a house. We'll be renting, but still...it will be OUR space. The house has orange trees in the back and we're allowed pets. My friend who lives there now has a rat, and seeing her made me want to get a rat again. It's been a long time since I've had pets, but maybe by now I'd be mature and responsible enough to actually clean the rat's cage once in a while and all that. Something to think about. Regardless of whether we have pets or not, I am so excited for next year. Then again, I'm still excited for the rest of this year. I'm curious to see how everything works out. College feels like time is passing so much more quickly than it did in high school. I can't believe I'm already halfway through my freshman year, reconciled to the fact that I am 18 years old - a legal adult - and to the fact that I am in college and renting my first house. At once I feel very old and very young.
Whew, I think that's enough writing for right now. I love you all so much, and thanks for bearing with me and my spontaneous decision to "write again." We'll see how this goes.
Happy Presidents' Day!
...and happy birthday, John. I love you and miss you still.
Ariel