Hope & Pain (Chapter 12/12)
Title: Hope & Pain
Author: Me^.^
Pairing: Tegoshi/Masuda
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, romance
Summary: Tegoshi lived behind and armour, a smile that prevented him from getting enemies. But eventually, he would let someone inside, smiling genuinely at that special person.
Notes: English is my second language, mistakes will occur even though I try to not make them^^
Comments are love ^.^<333
Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10
Chapter 11
*~*~*~*~*~*
He thought it was a dream at first, because it didn’t feel real. But when he opened his eyes, he realized that it wasn’t a dream. It was reality that hit him, along with all the scars and pain. If he had known that this was the past he had forgotten, then he had preferred to not know anything about it. He remembered it all now, suddenly, without any kind of warning. He almost wished he hadn’t. It hurt to know what kind of past he had; lonely, bullied, outcast, unloved. But he was also happy. Happy because he remembered his time with Masuda, their first meeting, their growing bond, the friendship that turned to love. But that happy feeling was suppressed by the sad memories, his dead parents, his work-mates who bullied him at work and the relatives that hated him. He understood fully again how much Masuda had meant to him, how much he still meant. It was thanks to him that he was where he was today, not lonely and weak anymore, but happy and strong, despite all the sadness that crossed his life. He turned around to look at Masuda, who was still asleep, lying beside Tegoshi on the hotel-bed. It hurt to remember their fight, their last encounter before Tegoshi had his accident. He felt ashamed, he had been so selfish, concentrating on his own pain only, not ever considering how Masuda felt. But on the other hand, they had solved it now. He didn’t have to think about it anymore, Masuda had forgiven him after all.
Tegoshi stretched his hand out to touch Masuda’s cheek lightly, feel the soft skin under his fingers. He understood once again how much he loved Masuda, how much he meant to him. He snuggled closer, resting his head on Masuda’s chest, closing his eyes and listening to his heartbeats. That was the only thing that could calm him down at the moment, when the panic was lingering in his heart, just waiting to burst out. He didn’t want to go back now, to that place where he was hated, despised. He didn’t want to go back to a place where Masuda couldn’t follow him. The tears started to fall when he thought about it, that he had to leave Masuda once again. He flinched when he felt a hand patting his head lightly, and hugged Masuda, sobbing softly. Masuda just caressed his back, drawing his hands over Tegoshi’s skin, calming him down with just that small motion. “What’s the matter?”
Tegoshi shook his head and sobbed. “I don’t want to go back.”
Masuda sat up slightly, hugging Tegoshi tightly. “I know. I don’t want you to leave either.”
“I don’t want to return to a place where people hate me.” Masuda tightened his grip, not saying anything. “It hurts, Massu. It hurts to remember.”
Masuda loosened his grip and stared at Tegoshi, eyes wide with surprise. “Yuya, do you…do you remember?”
Tegoshi nodded before looking down slightly. “But I almost wish I wouldn’t have gotten my memory back. It hurts. I don’t want to go back, not to that place.”
Masuda held him close again, placing a kiss on his cheek. “Then stay here.”
Tegoshi hid his face in Masuda’s chest. “Can I?”
Masuda just nodded. “The project I’m a part of will end next year. Will you stay here with me until then?”
Tegoshi didn’t have to reconsider; there was only one option in his mind. “I will.”
Maybe it was hasty and unconsidered, but it didn’t matter. Tegoshi would do anything to stay here by Masuda’s side instead of returning to that despicable place, a place he hated. If he had Masuda by his side, he would get through anything, even moving to a whole new country, to a place where no one knew him. That was a lot better than going back to that fucking company anyway, where everyone judged him. Tegoshi tightened his grip around Masuda and kissed his collarbone. “I’ll stay here with you. And wherever you’ll go, I will follow.”
Masuda closed the distance between their faces and Tegoshi felt their lips meet, soft and gentle. As long as he had this close at hand, he would sacrifice anything. He had nothing to lose by staying here; he would lose the one important thing he had in his life if he left.
It wasn’t easy to go back now, when he knew the truth. Koyama liked him, and Shige too, but everyone else either disliked him or didn’t care about him at all. They would return to Japan tomorrow, and Tegoshi would follow. He needed to at least go to his boss and tell him that he was quitting and pick up his things. But that was all; he wouldn’t stay longer than needed. But it wouldn’t be fair to not tell Koyama and Shige about it, that his memories had returned and that he had met Masuda. He wanted to tell them, because they honestly cared for him.
He had spent the entire day with Masuda, they had gone shopping and eaten lunch together, taking back some of the time together they had lost. But now Tegoshi was on his way to dinner with his work-mates. He felt nervous, because he was like a new person now when he knew his entire past again. The mood was awkward when he sat down by the same table as Shige and Koyama. “Did you have a nice evening yesterday?” Tegoshi did his best to ignore the tension and spoke like nothing had happened. None of them said anything at first, but at last, Koyama was the one who spoke up. “Yesterday ended up as a real mess.”
Shige looked down at the table, sighing. “I will break his heart.”
Tegoshi felt rather confused, and just gazed at the other two, sort of being able to figure out what had happened. “Wait…you two…did it?”
Koyama nodded slightly, and Shige looked like he wanted to die. “After one or two too many drinks, we finally ended up in bed.”
Tegoshi just stared at them. “Do you like each other?”
Koyama nodded, but at the moment he looked like he wished that these feelings inside him would vanish. “I have liked Shige for a really long time, but he has Nishikido-kun. This may ruin their relationship.”
Shige sighed deeply. “I don’t know what to do.”
Tegoshi decided to speak up frankly what he thought. “You have to tell him. It would be awful to lie to him when you have betrayed him like this.”
Shige nodded, closing his eyes and hiding his face in his hands. Tegoshi softened his tone and patted Shige’s shoulder. “And if you want to be with Koyama, then you have to break up with Ryo, right?”
Shige looked up at him and then moved his gaze to Koyama, whose eyes were filled with tears. “You’re right, Tegoshi.”
Tegoshi nodded slightly. “If you want to be with the one you love you always have to sacrifice something.” Koyama and Shige nodded. Tegoshi smiled. “Me too. To be with the one I love, I also have to sacrifice something.”
The other two looked up with wide eyes. “What do you mean?”
Tegoshi smiled widely. “I met Masuda yesterday, by coincidence.”
Shige grabbed his shoulder and started at him. “Are you serious?”
Tegoshi nodded. “I want to be with him, because he makes me feel complete. Even my memories have returned.”
Koyama and Shige looked shocked, they just stared at him with their mouths open. Tegoshi looked at them and smiled slightly. “I don’t want to leave him. I will return to Japan with you tomorrow, but then I will go here again as fast as possible.”
Koyama’s eyes started to fill up with tears, and he patted Tegoshi’s shoulder. “That’s wonderful…That you met him, that you remember.”
Shige smiled at him. “I’m glad for your sake. I will miss you, but I want you to be with Masuda if he makes you that happy.”
Tegoshi nodded, smiling. “He does.”
It felt good to have his friends’ reliance, because he would miss them. But he had to sacrifice something to be with Masuda, and he wouldn’t part from them forever, he would still have the chance to meet them. He smiled before standing up, walking away to get some privacy. When he found a silent corner of the restaurant he picked up his phone from his pocket and dialled the number to Masuda, eager to hear his boyfriend’s voice again. After the small ‘click’, he heard that familiar voice on the other side, and he was sure he never would get tired of that voice. “Massu, I have told Shige and Koyama now.”
“What did they say?”
Tegoshi smiled. “They’re happy for our sake.”
“That’s great. Send them my greetings.”
“I will.”
There was a short silence before Masuda spoke again. “Yuya…are you sure about this? You will leave everything just to be with me.”
“Massu, I have already made my decision. It’s not forever, and you’re the only thing in the world that I won’t survive without.”
“Then it’s fine. I felt like I had to ask.”
Tegoshi smiled, Masuda was so caring. It made him warm on the inside to think about it. “My flight leaves 10 am tomorrow. Will you make it?”
Masuda cursed on the other side of the line. “Fuck, I have work then. I’ll see if I can make up some excuse.”
“You don’t have to, this isn’t a farewell. We’ll see each other soon enough again, right?”
“I can never see you enough…”
Tegoshi laughed. “Is it so? Then I’ll make sure to come back here as soon as possible.”
Masuda made an agreeing sound. “Just tell me when you’re arriving, and I’ll be there to pick you up.”
“Okay. I’ll miss you until then.”
“Me too. Are you sure you don’t want me to see you off?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. You have work after all, and I don’t want to disturb you then.” He wanted Masuda to come truth to be told, but it was fine like this too. “And I’ll call you as soon as we land in Japan. I’ll call you every day if you want to.”
“Sounds good. I wish I could have made you company tonight, but I doubt we would’ve slept much, and I need to lock fresh tomorrow…”
Tegoshi laughed. “We can make up for it later on, can’t we?”
“Yeah, I guess. I love you, Yuya.”
Tegoshi smiled. “I love you too. See you soon, I’ll call you.”
“Have a nice trip. I love you.”
“I love you.”
There was a nice and warm feeling inside Tegoshi that remained even when he shut his phone. It was that feeling that only Masuda could make him feel, the feeling of total satisfaction. His decision was the right one, he was sure of it now. He couldn’t wait to see Masuda again, to feel his warmth and hear his voice. With a smile on his face he returned to Koyama ad Shige.
****
“We’re there now!” Koyama looked at Tegoshi, who sat in the backseat of Koyama’s car. Tegoshi nodded and opened the door, stepping out of the car. Shige had already taken his suitcase out of the boot and handed it to Tegoshi. Tegoshi smiled at him. “You don’t have to look so sad, I’ll come here and visit, I promise.”
Shige nodded. “There were so many things I should’ve done for you.”
Tegoshi shook his head. “Don’t think about it now, I’m fine, aren’t I?”
Shige nodded slightly. “I will miss you.”
Tegoshi smiled. “Me too. But I will eventually come back, so don’t be sad.”
Koyama threw an arm around Shige’s shoulder and smiled. “He will be happy over there, Shige.”
Shige nodded before smiling towards Tegoshi, who returned it. “Well, I better go then. My plane takes off soon, and I have to check in.”
Koyama smiled. “We’ll follow you inside and say goodbye. You don’t have to act so distant, we’re your friends after all.”
Tegoshi nodded and started to walk towards the entrance of the building, Koyama and Shige following. He felt excited and nervous, but most of all happy. He had been in Japan for two weeks, to get rid of his apartment, quit his job and get some other paper-work done. But now he was finally on his way to New York again, to Masuda. He couldn’t wait to see him again, two weeks had felt like an eternity. But now his wait would soon be over, one day in the airplane, and then he would be able to see Masuda again. He couldn’t wait, time couldn’t go on fast enough it felt like.
When Tegoshi was done checking in, they decided to go to the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee and just talk for a while. Tegoshi understood now how much he would miss his two friends, how close they had become during Tegoshi’s amnesia. He wanted to properly thank them for all they had done, because they had done hell a lot for him. If they hadn’t been by his side all this time, he most surely wouldn’t have endured it. But he had now, thanks to them.
“Hey, guys.”
They looked at him. “What?” Koyama smiled. Tegoshi bit his lip before smiling at them. “I just want to say thanks before we part. Thank you, for all you have done. I wouldn’t have made it without the two of you.”
Shige shook his head and hit Tegoshi in the arm lightly. “Of course we’ll be here for you, from now on too. Just call, anytime.”
Tegoshi nodded, with a smile on his face. “You too. I don’t want to lose contact with you just because we’ll be living in different countries.”
The other two just nodded before they heard the message that reported that the passengers on the flight to New York were going to board now. Tegoshi smiled before rising. “I guess that’s it then.”
Shige embraced Tegoshi tightly, fighting to hold back the tears. “I will miss you badly. Make sure to be happy over there.”
Tegoshi nodded. “I will. And you too.” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Be happy with Koyama. I always thought that the two of you were meant for each other.”
Shige pulled back, smiling. “I will.”
Tegoshi turned to Koyama, smiling widely, soon feeling the older man’s arms wrap around him. “I’m sure Masuda will take good care of you. Make sure to come here and visit.”
Tegoshi broke the embrace and looked Koyama in the eyes. “I will.”
He smiled at the other two before grabbing his bag. “I’ll be off then. I’ll call you as soon as I reach New York, okay?”
Shige nodded, not able to hold the tears back anymore. “Be happy, Tegoshi.”
Tegoshi smiled widely. “I’m sure I will.” He took a deep breath before looking at Koyama and Shige one last time, smiling. “Bye-bye!” He waved before turning around, walking towards the airplane that would take him to the one thing that meant the most to him in the world. He smiled when he heard Koyama and Shige’s calls, wishing him luck, and he turned around to wave one last time before they disappeared from his vision. He walked forward, excitement rising in his chest. He would be there soon. Soon, he would be with Masuda again, where he belonged.
****
Tegoshi slowly opened his eyes, feeling a terrible pain in his butt. Many hours in the airplane seemed to show themselves now. Tegoshi hadn’t even noticed that he had fallen asleep, but he wished he hadn’t woken up. It was boring to just sit there and look at the landscape underneath them. His music-player had run out of battery a long while ago and now he was left with nothing to do at all. He wished that they would land soon, but reality was harsh, there were still many hours left until they would reach their destination. Tegoshi looked out the window; gazed at the landscape he could see underneath, green and blue regions, small enough for Tegoshi to be unable to identify them. Not that he cared all that much, he just wanted to reach USA and get off this plane, meet Masuda. But he was far from there, and he just had to make time pass in some way. He leaned his head backwards and closed his eyes, trying to drift off again.
It felt like an eternity had passed, but Tegoshi couldn’t help but smile when a voice in the speaker announced that they would arrive in about half an hour. Tegoshi felt really excited, but the nervousness started to creep in his stomach as well. But it was too late to go back now, and he didn’t want to either. This was what he wanted, even though he felt nervous at the moment. When he would see Masuda’s face, everything would feel alright again, he was sure of it. His stomach still twisted when the plane landed though, but the excitement was just as great. His body felt quite numb when he rose from his seat, and the pain in his butt was incredible. He took a deep breath before moving towards the exit, feeling quite frustrated when the people before him in the line was quite slow and obviously in no hurry at all. When he had finally gotten off the plane, the nervousness made him feel sick and dizzy, but he could only continue forward. He thought of Masuda; his smile, his voice, his smell, and suddenly everything felt a little better.
Tegoshi searched for Masuda with his gaze as fast as he entered the airport longue, but he couldn’t find him, there was too many people in the way. Tegoshi was just about to walk in to the big crowd to look for his boyfriend, but then his vision suddenly went black.
“Guess who?”
That voice made Tegoshi’s heart take an extra beat, and he turned around quickly, soon facing the person he loved most in the whole world. Tegoshi had thrown his arms around Masuda’s neck before he was able to speak another word. Masuda just laughed, and Tegoshi’s heart raced when he heard that laugh. “I have missed you, Massu.”
Masuda wrapped his arms around Tegoshi’s waist. “Me too. But now we’ll be able to see each other every day.”
Tegoshi nodded. “God, I have missed you so much.”
Masuda laughed softly. “You make it sound like we’ve been apart for years.”
Tegoshi buried his face in the crook of Masuda’s neck and inhaled his smell. “I have lost you once already; I don’t want it to happen again.”
Masuda nodded. “Well, I have missed you just as much as well, truth to be told.” He loosened his grip around Tegoshi’s waist and looked at him. “You’re so beautiful, Yuya.”
Tegoshi smiled before leaning forward, meeting Masuda’s lips in a soft and tender kiss. Masuda blushed slightly when they parted. “There are people around us…”
Tegoshi smiled sweetly. “Does it matter?”
Masuda was quiet for a short while, having an inner battle against his shyness. He shook his head after a while, smiling. “It doesn’t matter. Everything that matters for me is you.”
Tegoshi smiled before closing his eyes, feeling Masuda’s soft lips against his own once again. He wrapped his arms around Masuda’s neck, deepening the kiss, sighing happily into it. This was where he belonged, in Masuda’s arms. Where he was didn’t really matter, as long as he could be with Masuda he would feel complete and satisfied. It had taken him a lot of time, but he had finally found a person that made his pain fade slowly. And he knew that Masuda would make that pain disappear for good one day. He had hope now, for a bright future full of love and happiness together with Masuda. He broke the kiss and leaned his head on Masuda’s shoulder. “I want to be with you always.”
Masuda kissed Tegoshi’s hair and held him tight. “The same goes for me.” He placed a kiss on Tegoshi’s temple. “I love you.”
Tegoshi smiled and closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth of the one he loved. “I love you too, more than anything. Massu is the only one who makes me this happy.”
Masuda tightened his grip around Tegoshi. “I won’t leave you, ever. I want to make you happy, always.”
Tegoshi smiled. “Me too. I want to be with Massu forever.”
Tegoshi could feel how wet drips landed on his shoulder, and heard how Masuda sobbed quietly. “I love you, Yuya.”
Tegoshi smiled and snuggled closer. “I love you too.”
*~*~*~*~*~*
And that’s it! Shit, this chap turned out reeeeeeeally long XD It took forever to write, sorry for the long delay~
I really had to force myself to sit down and write this, my depressing mood makes me want to just lay on my bed and cry or something…BUT I managed to write anyway, and now I’m actually feeling better ^.^ And to add more happiness, tomorrow I will go shopping! *have turned into a total shopaholic* XD
I have an idea for a new multi-chap, btw ^.^I will write on it soon, but first I’m going to write some other fics that I have promised some people to write and study for all the tests I have at the moment ;___;
Well, finally, thanks to those who have read the entire story and dropped me wonderful comments ^.^<333 You’ve really kept me motivated to write, I hope you liked this last chap as well ^.^