Understanding death
Near the younger girls school there is a cemetery. As we passed it this morning Gaered cried out, “Look, what’s that?!” I looked up the hill and saw a truck with a big wench and large dark box. There were two men digging behind it.
“It looks like they’re preparing a grave,” I said. “Getting ready to place the steel internment box before a burial. They did that for Daddy.”
I’m not sure why I added that bit about their Dad at the end. But that got me to thinking about Kevin’s burial, and of course the fact that he was dead. The problem is his death doesn’t make any sense to me. I just can’t understand it.
It’s not that I don’t understand death. I understand that my Grandma is dead. She was old, she was ready to die. We even talked about it once. Her death came after a long life. It was her time. But Kevin’s death was so unexpected that it does not feel like he died. It feels like he got lost somewhere and I keep forgetting to go look for him. It makes me feel edgy and guilty. No matter how many times I repeat it to myself (”Kevin died, he’s not lost, he’s not coming back, he died...”), the reality fails to integrate into my mind. Sometimes I sit and stare at one spot for several minutes because it feels like there is something I’m forgetting to do, but knowing there really isn’t. The conflict is pulling my mind to pieces. I hope this is normal somehow. I hope that someday it will make sense.
“It looks like they’re preparing a grave,” I said. “Getting ready to place the steel internment box before a burial. They did that for Daddy.”
I’m not sure why I added that bit about their Dad at the end. But that got me to thinking about Kevin’s burial, and of course the fact that he was dead. The problem is his death doesn’t make any sense to me. I just can’t understand it.
It’s not that I don’t understand death. I understand that my Grandma is dead. She was old, she was ready to die. We even talked about it once. Her death came after a long life. It was her time. But Kevin’s death was so unexpected that it does not feel like he died. It feels like he got lost somewhere and I keep forgetting to go look for him. It makes me feel edgy and guilty. No matter how many times I repeat it to myself (”Kevin died, he’s not lost, he’s not coming back, he died...”), the reality fails to integrate into my mind. Sometimes I sit and stare at one spot for several minutes because it feels like there is something I’m forgetting to do, but knowing there really isn’t. The conflict is pulling my mind to pieces. I hope this is normal somehow. I hope that someday it will make sense.